


Lifeline:  Detroit (Part 1)

by Denrhea



Series: Lifeline [1]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety Management, Anxious Katsuki Yuuri, Best Friend Phichit, Comforting Phichit Chulanont, Comforting Victor Nikiforov, Crushing Yuri, Drag Queen Yuuri, Hurt Katsuki Yuuri, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, PTSD, PTSD Katsuki Yuuri, Protective Yuri, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, They are getting help, Yakov and Lilia are still married, Yuuri has a shoe collection, Yuuri in high heels, angry tiger friend, best friend chris, this is the secret life of Yuuri, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-17
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-10-06 11:42:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 55
Words: 114,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10333895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Denrhea/pseuds/Denrhea
Summary: After failing miserably at the GPF, Yuuri drowned his sorrows in champagne.  This led to what Victor refers to as the best and the worst night in his life...a night where he found his life and love and nearly lost him as well.  This is a story of rape recovery.  It is also a story of love and friendship.Note:  I refuse to go into graphic detail on the rape scene because I have no desire to glorify rape as sex.This story is hard hitting but you see all of the triumphs as Yuuri finds his way back from the darkness he disappeared into.  There is plenty of fluff to balance out the angst as well.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This first chapter has Yuuri coming out of a rape situation. If this is a trigger for you, know that it is a hard chapter. 
> 
> This story begins at Sochi, at the close of the banquet.
> 
> This work is FINISHED. You are welcome to leave comments but I may not necessarily reply. I am interacting with the current part being written.
> 
> So excited! Lifeline is now being translated into Portuguese. So look for [Lifeline: Detroit](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11638599/chapters/26177646) now in Portuguese thanks to Dandanyami!

Fluttering consciousness breaks through his thoughts.  Darkness.  No, shadows.  His perception begins to widen slowly.  Can’t move.  _Scream_.  No sound.  Pain.  Someone’s hands.  Voices muffled.  _Need to scream.  Why won’t my voice work?_   Legs moved.  Pressure.  Stretching.  Someone inside.  Another’s hands.  More pain.  Door closes.  Silence.

A tear escapes from his eyes.  Eternity stretches by in its infinite slowness.  Fingers begin to move.  Bound.  He moves his head.  Pulling his eyebrows in, he glares at the offending object forcing his eyes to focus.  Pulling his hands up, he uses his teeth to loosen the knot.  Hands finally free, he lifts the object.  Is that…his tie?  He tosses it in disgust.  He pushes himself up.  Pain.  Tries to stand.  His feet betray him.  Fingers brush against a cool surface.  Phone. 

Opening the screen, he tries to speak.  Nothing.  Pressing the message app, the first message opens up.  _Victor.  That’s right.  He put his number in my phone before I left the banquet._   He focuses on what to say. 

**_H el p me_ **

Send.

Waiting.

Response.

**_Yuuri?  What’s wrong?  Where are you?_ **

_Yuuri.  That’s my name.  Where?_   Looking around for some clue, he spotted the hotel phone.  Pulling it down, he read the numbers on the ID.

**_703_ **

**_On my way!_ **

Waiting.

Door opens. 

Voices.

“Chris!  He’s here!  Yuuri, what…oh, my god!  Yuuri, I’m here.”

Yuuri stared up into cerulean blue eyes.  _How are eyes such a pure color of blue?  Surrounded by silvery wings?  Like…like an angel._   Yuuri opens his mouth to speak.  Nothing comes out.  Reaching for his hands, he squeezes.  Holding those blue eyes, he implores.  _Can you hear me?  Help.   I need help._

“I’ve called the police, Victor.  They are on their way with an ambulance.  They said to stay put.  Hotel is sending security to guard the room.” 

“I’ll call Yakov.  Yuuri, this is Chris.  I need my hand but he’ll hold yours until I can take it back.  Okay?”

_Chris.  I remember him now._   Green eyes looked down at him next to blue.  He held onto the other’s hand.  “It’s going to be okay,” Chris murmured in a soothing voice.  “We’re getting help.  Just hold on.”  He did.  Tightly to his hand.  Voice in the background.  Victor.  Yuuri turned his head to watch him.  Urgent voice.

“Yakov!  You have to find Celestino.  His skater has been attacked.”  Pause.  “Room 703.  Police has been called.”  Another pause.  “Chris is with me.”  Lengthy pause.  “Yes, well, let’s get him safe then we’ll worry about damage control.”  “Agreed.”

Victor disconnected and returned to his side.  “Your coach is on his way.”  Yuuri released Chris’s hand and reached for Victor’s holding it tight.  “Don’t worry.  I’m staying right here.  I won’t leave you.”

Brown eyes filled with fear held onto blue protective eyes.  Even as others entered the space, he didn’t turn.  He allowed Chris to deal with the others.

The police dropped down next to him.  Someone spoke in Russian, voice soothing but Yuuri couldn’t comprehend the words.   He held Victor’s eyes and Victor translated.  “They are telling you that an ambulance is on its way up.  They want to know if you knew your attacker.”

Yuuri slowly shook his head as the words seeped in.  Victor asked the next question.  “Could you recognize them?”  Again Yuuri shook his head.  Victor looked up and said something in Russian to the officer.  Then a gurney entered the scene and paramedics tried to get Victor to move aside.  A guttural whine escaped Yuuri’s lips.  Victor’s eyes widened at the pain he heard in that sound and he strengthened his grasp on the brunette’s hands.  “You’re going to have to work around me,” he stated firmly repeating in Russian for the benefit of the workers. 

Another commotion and the two coaches entered the room.  “Who are you?” one of the officers demanded.  The coaches identified themselves. Celestino went immediately to Yuuri’s side. 

“Yuuri.  We’ve got you.  It’s going to be okay.”  The Italian man’s breath caught when the skater shook his head almost imperceptibly and a tear slipped from the corner.

“He hasn’t spoken since we arrived.  We’ve only had gestures,” Victor explained to the coach.  Turning to Yuuri, he responded, “I have to relinquish you to your coach.”  The younger man’s hand tightened around his.  “I want to stay with you, Yuuri, but I can’t make the necessary decisions for you.  Your coach will have to ride in the ambulance.”  Yuuri still held tight.  Reaching out his other hand, he smoothed the brunette’s hair.  “Do you trust me?”  The boy nodded.  “I’ll follow in a taxi once I finish with the police.  Okay?”  Brown eyes held his for a long time before he finally nodded and let go.  The paramedics began negotiating the stretcher out of the room and towards the elevator.  Celestino followed.

 

* * *

 

 

Yakov placed a hand on Victor’s shoulder.  He had just finished answering a grueling number of questions by the police.  Yakov translated for Chris to another police officer.  They were waiting for Chris’s coach before they called a cab.  “I’ll go with you to the hospital.”

“Thank you, Yakov.  I shouldn’t have let him go up to his room alone.  I should’ve made sure he was safe.”

“Vitya, this is not your fault.”

“I feel like I have some of the blame.”

He felt an arm slip around him and turned to see Chris.  “If that’s the case, then we both should shoulder that blame, Victor.  But Yuuri slipped away from us.  Otherwise, we would have escorted him to his room.”

Victor dropped his head against his friend’s shoulder.  Another man entered the room and Chris waved his coach over.  He quickly discussed what took place that night.  The coach turned to Yakov to discuss damage control.  Finally with a game plan in place, Yakov guided Victor from the room and to the elevator.  Chris looked torn but finally relinquished the task of attending Yuuri to his friend.  “Text me or call me with any news.  Let me know if you need any help.”

“Of course,” Victor responded.

Yakov already had a cab waiting and soon they were on the way to the hospital.  Once they arrived, they quickly found Celestino.  “Yuuri is being examined right now.  They said something about a rape kit.  I-I’ve always trained male skaters.  I’ve never had to deal with…”  His voice faded as he covered his face with his hands.  Yakov took over comforting the other coach, distracting him with the damage control plan.  Victor watched the door to the exam room. 

The door open and the doctor began talking with Celestino.  Victor listened in and waited for the words allowing him to go to the other man.  Finally, the doctor permitted two visitors.  Yakov stated quietly he’d remain outside even as Victor was half way through the door.

Yuuri was dressed in a cloth hospital gown and looked small as he stared up at the ceiling.  His eyes flickered when he turned to see Victor’s approach.  When Victor stepped into his reach, the hands reached out to grab his.  “I’m here,” Victor reassured, smoothing his hair back.  The brown eyes held his.  No words found their way to the surface but he held Victor’s eyes willing him to understand. 

Celestino slipped around to the other side and placed a reassuring hand on Yuuri’s shoulder.  “I’ve rearranged our flights, Yuuri.  We’ve been upgraded to first class to give you more space.”  Celestino met Victor’s gaze.  This was one of the details Yakov had worked out with him.  Victor had stated that if money was a problem, he’d cover the costs.  Yuuri flicked his eyes to Celestino and finally acknowledged him with a nod. 

“You have my number, Yuuri.  Contact me any time, day or night.  If I don’t respond right away, I will as soon as I leave the ice,” Victor’s words washed over him and settled onto the younger skater.  Yuuri lifted his free hand uncertainly and tentatively touched Victor’s face.  _Shit!  When did I start crying?_   He felt the other man’s hand smooth away his tears.  _This was fucking backwards._   He should be reassuring the other man.

Finally, the release papers were brought forward and signed.  The kit would be handed over to the police and any other results would be sent to Yuuri’s physician in the states.  Both Victor and Celestino escorted the young man out and Yakov already had a cab waiting.  He climbed into the front seat allowing the other two to settle in on either side of Yuuri in the back.  As the cab pulled away, Victor looked out the window towards the break of day, silver winter clouds filling the horizon.  Gray.  Very appropriate for the stormy emotions each passenger held at bay.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor continues to reach out to Yuuri even with an ocean between them.

Makkachin ran forward to greet Victor when he arrived home.  His dog and house sitter looked up from his sketchbook and cocked an eyebrow in Victor’s direction.  “Rough trip?”

“You could say that.”  He dropped down next to the other man and peeked at the sketchbook.  “What are you drawing?”

“I’m working on the pieces you commissioned before you left.  Studies on Figure Skaters.  They will look good in this space.”

“Is that my old skates?”

“Yes.  I went through the closet you suggested for inspiration.  These felt significant and their age holds a sense of history.”

“Did you find anything in those old photos?”

“A few but to be honest, your expressions lack sincerity.  I’d like to bring my camera to the rink while you are practicing.”

“Of course.  We should do late evening or early morning before the others arrive.”

“Evenings will work better for me.  As you know, I’m a night owl.”

Victor nodded towards his friend as he stretched backwards.  “Sasha, how long has it been since we dated?”

“At least four years.  I was still in college at the time.  Staying here helped me cut my expenses and made my last year affordable.”

“Why didn’t it work out?”

“You didn’t let me in too deep.  We decided that we made better friends.  I think the same could be said about you and that skater Chris.”

“At least we remained friends.”

Sasha studied the other thoughtfully.  “What happened, Victor?”

Victor flicked his eyes to the other momentarily before returning his gaze to the ceiling.  “I wasn’t there for a friend when he needed me the most.  I came as soon as possible but…I can’t shake the guilt.”

“Is…is your friend okay?” 

“I don’t know,” Victor whispered honestly.

“I know the world sees you as superficial and shallow, Victor, but I know you are fiercely protective of your friends.  Perhaps you need to accept that you can’t always be there for everyone.”

“I want to be there for him now, though, and he’s across the fucking ocean.”

Sasha’s eyes widened.  Victor rarely used profanity and when it slipped out, the emotions ran deep.  “So what are you going to do?”

Meeting his friend’s gaze, he responded, “Wait for an opening.”

 

* * *

 

 

Nationals were approaching and Victor skated distractedly on the rink.  Yakov understood but it still frustrated him.  His commands didn’t carry the harsh edge as in the past.  After the rink cleared, though, Victor would slip back onto the shadowed ice and run back through once again. 

Sasha met him more than once and took some photos.  The ones that captured the artist’s eye, however, were the pensive thoughts along the side of the rink.  The sadness shook him.  He hated to see his ex-lover in this condition.

Victor sent text after text to Yuuri to ask after him, to open the lines of communication.  Yuuri remained silent.  Studying skating news, he learned that Yuuri had withdrawn from Nationals.  That meant it was up to JSF to decide if he would be able to compete in 4CCs and Worlds.  Of course, that also depended on whether or not Yuuri could and would compete. 

On impulse, he called Yuuri’s cell after a week had passed.  The phone rang several times when an unfamiliar voice greeted him.  “Hello?  Victor?”

“Yes.  Who is this?”

“Phichit, Yuuri’s roommate,” he identified.  “Can we talk?”

“Please.  How is he?  What is going on?”

“Well…he’s basically shut down.”  Quiet on the other end and then a slight rustle.  “Sorry.  Yuuri has trouble relinquishing his phone.  It’s become something of a lifeline to him.  Your messages haven’t gone unread, Victor.  He’s just…well, he has trouble responding to them.  He hasn’t…found his words yet.”

Victor considered this a moment before asking, “Besides his words, is he responding to his surroundings?  Daily care?  Skating?”

“He hasn’t been back to the rink.  Honestly, I can’t get him to leave the house.  I have a mutual friend that sits with him when I go to class or practice but, well, Yuuri isn’t comfortable with him.  He becomes agitated and retreats to his room.”

“I’ve been reading articles on rape survival and PTSD.  I want to help.”

“Keep reaching out to him, please.  The only spark of life I see in him is when you send a message.  He’s trying to find his words, Victor.  I know he is.”

“Can you let me talk to him?  I know he can’t respond but maybe my voice will help.”

“Sure.  One moment.”  A shuffle and a sharp crack in the background.  “Here his is.”

“Yuuri, you don’t have to answer me.  I just want you to know I haven’t abandoned you.  You occupy my thoughts.”  Drawing a deep breath, he adds.  “Watch me skate in the upcoming Nationals.”

A rustle then he heard Phichit’s voice.  “He’s nodding vigorously and handed the phone back to me I’m assuming to relay that message.  Victor, it’s a response.  The only true response I’ve seen.”

“I told him to watch me skate in the Nationals.  Can you set that up?”

“Yes.  That’s not a problem.”

“ _Stammi Vicino._   I’m going to skate it for him.  Make sure he knows this.”

“I will.  I promise.”

“Thank you.”

“Victor?”

“Yes, Phichit.”

“Can I send my contact information to you?”

Silence then, “Please do so.”

“And please continue to text him.  And if he answers a call, know he may not be able to speak.”

“I will.  I’ll continue to reach out to him.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri finally starts to reach back to those who are helping him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I linked the song referenced at the end of the chapter along with the credits.

Yuuri pushed himself out of bed heavily.  _I can’t continue like this.  I need to move forward._  He reached for his phone.  A new text from Victor.

 ** _Yuuri!  I sent Phichit the information on my skate.   I can’t wait for you to see it._**   

Yuuri smiled in spite of himself.  A noise from the common space drew his attention.  _Let it be Phichit._   He clutched his phone and moved to stand.  He opened his mouth to call out but no sound escaped.  He tightened his jaw in frustration.   He approached the door and as he widened the gap, he smelled something cooking.  Onions.  Peppers.  Eggs.  Pork, maybe sausage.   Cheese.  Yuuri’s eyes widened.  Omelets!

He committed at this point.  Entering the living space, his eyes met Phichit’s over the counter.  “Oh, did I wake up your appetite?”

Yuuri reached down and touched his tummy and the accompanying growl spoke for itself.  Phichit smiled warmly. 

“No classes and I don’t skate until this afternoon.  I thought I’d linger and make breakfast.”  Phichit served up the first omelet and placed it before Yuuri.  He spotted signs of spinach mingled into the egg mixture.  He breathed in the smell.  “Go ahead,” Phichit encouraged as he added the insides to his omelet.  Soon, he joined him at the bar and made yummy noises.  Yuuri smiled fondly towards his friend.

“Did Victor text again?”

Yuuri nodded, pulling his phone up to share.

“You know, we might get you to shower this morning.”

Yuuri’s smile faded.  _Shower.  Naked.  Vulnerable.  Someone is always here._   His thoughts shortened in his panic. 

Phichit noticed his reaction and drummed his fingers.  “Maybe not.”  Studying Yuuri, he added, “I don’t want to push you into something uncomfortable, Yuuri.  I hope you know this.”

Yuuri moved his food around with his fork.  It’s not that he hadn’t showered.  But the shower drove him over the edge.  He’d scrub his skin until he couldn’t feel their hands anymore.  He couldn’t handle the naked vulnerability of it unless he was alone.  He trusted Phichit.  It was something else entirely.  Pushing his plate back, he moved back to his room.

Phichit called after him.  “Please come back, Yuuri.  You need to eat more than this.” 

After a short while, he heard Phichit run water.  The clatter of dishes followed.  Yuuri curled up on his side drawing his knees towards his chest.  _Help me.  Please.  I don’t know what to do._   Tears flowed once more.  _Where do they even come from anymore?_

 

* * *

 

 

Hours later, Yuuri woke up, his eyes feeling swollen and his head foggy from earlier.  He heard the TV in the other room and knew Craig was there.  He hated being around Craig but the man insisted on helping with Yuuri.  How could he explain how Craig made him feel?  Phichit couldn’t lock himself up in the apartment with him.  That wasn’t fair.

His movements must have alerted Craig to his wakefulness.  The other man approached his door and opened it without warning.  Leaning against the door, he studied Yuuri sitting in the middle of the bed, his hair tussled, the quilt wrapping around his shoulder and pooling around his hips.  The man in the doorway seemed to take particular pleasure in Yuuri’s vulnerability.  His eyes made him feel exposed once more. 

Yuuri unconsciously tightened his hold on his phone.  A buzz jerked his attention away from the man in the door.

**_Yuuri!  If I call, will you FaceTime with me?_ **

_H-help.  Help me._   His fingers hovered over the H.  Craig snorted from his position blocking the door.

“Your precious boyfriend is going to lose interest real quick, Yuuri,” leered Craig.  “I can help you out, though.  Especially if you like it rough.”  Craig stepped into the room and Yuuri drew back tightening himself into a tighter ball.  “It’s not like a man can actually be raped.”

Yuuri’s breath caught.  Fingers of fear covered him.  _It was happening again._   As Craig approached, panic hit hard and he surged forward using the powerful legs and arms graced a figure skater to push himself past the intruder and leaping towards the door of the bedroom.  He ran into the bathroom and locked the door behind him.

He dropped down in the floor in front of the door.  Looking down in his hand, he realized he still held his phone.  Victor’s message still filled the space.  He typed with shaky fingers. 

**_Yyyess_ **

The phone buzzed and he accepted the call.

“Yuuri!  I’m so glad to see you,” Victor’s voice greeted then paused as if assessing the picture before him.  “Yuuri?  Are you okay?” 

Yuuri took a hand and pulled at his hair.  He drew his legs forward and lay on the floor curled into a ball as he stared at the Russian’s face on the screen.  A finger stroked the surface as if reaching for him as tears slipped down his cheeks.

“Are you safe?”

Yuuri considered the words.  He had heard the other man curse earlier then the door close.  No other sound came through.  He slowly nodded.

“Before my mother passed away, she would sing to me when I was afraid.  Would that help?  Would you like to hear a song?  Although, I can’t promise I will sing well.”

Yuuri stroked the screen and nodded.

 

 

> _“Спи, младенец мой прекрасный,_  
>  _Баюшки-баю._  
>  _Тихо смотрит месяц ясный_  
>  _В колыбель твою._  
>  _Стану сказывать я сказки,_  
>  _Песенку спою;_  
>  _Ты ж дремли, закрывши глазки,_  
>  _Баюшки-баю._
> 
> _“Sleep, good boy, my beautiful,_  
>  _Bayushki bayu,_  
>  _Quietly the moon is looking_  
>  _Into your cradle._  
>  _I will tell you fairy tales_  
>  _And sing you little songs,_  
>  _But you must slumber, with your little eyes closed,_  
>  _Bayushki bayu.”_

“Are you alone, Yuuri?”

Yuuri listened once more before nodding.

“Would you like me to sing some more?  While you wait for Phichit?”

This time Yuuri did not hesitate when he nodded.

 

 

> _“The time will come, then you will learn_  
>  _The pugnacious life,_  
>  _Boldly you'll stem your foot into the stirrup_  
>  _And take the gun._  
>  _The saddle-cloth for your battle horse_  
>  _I will sew you from silk._  
>  _Sleep now, my dear little child,_  
>  _Bayushki bayu._  
>    
>  _“You will look like a hero_  
>  _And be a Cossack deep in your heart._  
>  _I will hurry to accompany you,_  
>  _You will just wave your hand_  
>  _How many secret bitter tears_  
>  _Will I shed that night!_  
>  _Sleep, my angel, calmly, sweetly,_  
>  _Bayushki bayu._  
>    
>  _“I will die from longing,_  
>  _I will wait inconsolably,_  
>  _I will pray the whole day long,_  
>  _And at night I'll tell fortunes_  
>  _I will think that you are in trouble_  
>  _Far away in a foreign land._  
>  _Sleep now, as long as you don't know sorrows,_  
>  _Bayushki bayu._
> 
> _“Дам тебе я на дорогу_  
>  _Образок святой:_  
>  _Ты его, моляся богу,_  
>  _Ставь перед собой;_  
>  _Да, готовясь в бой опасный,_  
>  _Помни мать свою..._  
>  _Спи, младенец мой прекрасный,_  
>  _Баюшки-баю_  
>    
>  _“I will give you on your way_  
>  _A small holy icon,_  
>  _And when you pray to God, you'll_  
>  _Put it right in front of you_  
>  _When preparing yourself for the dangerous fight_  
>  _Please remember your mother._  
>  _Sleep, good boy, my beautiful,_  
>  _Bayushki bayu.”_

A noise in the background sounded as Victor wrapped up his song.  “Is that Phichit?”  Pounding on the door answered his question.

“Yuuri?  Are you in there?” Phichit's voice came through full of worry.

Yuuri’s eyes widened and he turned to Victor’s face on the phone nodding.

“I’m going to let you go now,” Victor stated softly.  “I’m here if you need me.  Text or facetime.”

Yuuri watched him disappear from the phone and stared a bit longer before Phichit’s insistent calls shook him back to reality.  He reached up and unlocked the door moving back.

Phichit dropped down where Yuuri curled up immediately and wrapped him up in his embrace.  “I’m so sorry.  I don’t know what happened but I never want you to have to hide in the bathroom.  We’ll find another way.  I promise.”

Yuuri pulled his phone up and typed a message to Phichit.

**_No more craig!!!_ **

“Okay.  Whatever it takes!  When Victor sent me a text to tell me you were terrified, I took off immediately.  I need to send word to Celestino.  I know he is worried.”

Yuuri nodded, sitting up and leaning against the cabinet.

 

* * *

 

 

Celestino insisted on coming over to their apartment.  Yuuri made it clear to both of them that he didn’t want Craig near him.  They put their heads together to make a list of known acquaintances.  Yuuri marked next to the ones he felt comfortable with and added the names Natalia and Ashley to the list. 

“I didn’t think about them.  Natalia’s piano would be soothing to you.  Ashley will bring her dogs, I am sure.  I’ll contact them first and see if they can come.”

Yuuri nodded and offered a small smile of thanks.  While the two men talked, Yuuri retreated to the bathroom.  Their voices formed a comfortable bubble droning in the background.  Dropping his clothes from his body, he reached over and turned the knob for the shower.  Stepping under the steamy spray, he closed his eyes to collect his thoughts.

Once more, Victor came to him when he needed him most.  He focused on the memory of Victor’s voice singing to him as he washed, the words comforting him and rebuilding some of the strongholds that fell earlier.  _I wish you were here.  I’m so glad you were here for me.  I want to tell you.  Why can’t I find my words?_

He tightened his jaw in frustration.  Sighing, he stepped out of the shower and dried off.  The voices from the other room were gone.  Wrapped in a towel, Yuuri peeked his head out the door and found a clean set of pajamas and underwear folded neatly next to the door.  He could now hear Phichit watching a movie in his room.  Is that _The King and the Skater_?  He smiled thoughtfully.  Pulling the clothes into the bathroom, he finished dressing.

He padded over to the door of his friend and roommate and tapped.

“Come in!” invited an eager Phichit.  “Do you want to join me for a movie or two?”

Yuuri nodded and settled in next to Phichit on his bed.  A comfortable silence fell between them.

The phone buzzed and Yuuri found a shadow of a smile.

**_V/ Are you feeling better?_ **

He answered. 

**_Y/ yes_ **

 

* * *

 

NOTES:

Lyrics and translation of “Cossack Lullaby” can be found [here](http://russmus.net/song/11255).

If you wish to hear it sung, listen [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGGQuvrxBZ8).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Men are raped and it is a sad reality that a stigma is still associated with the report of rape by men. In fact, until recently, many laws didn't even acknowledge it was possible.
> 
>  
> 
> Next Chapter we hear more from Victor and Chris reappears on the scene.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor skates for Yuuri as he makes an important decision.

* * *

 

Victor moved into his opening position for _Stammi Vicino, Non Te Ne Andare_.

 _This is for Yuuri._   The opening strains sent him into the initial movements as the words wrapped around him.  He recalls the translation as his thoughts move towards Yuuri, muscle memory taking over the skate.

 

 

> I hear a voice weeping in the distance  
>  Have you maybe been abandoned as well?

_I hear you, Yuuri.  I did not abandon you.  I’m trying to find my way to you._

 

 

> Come now, I'll quickly finish this glass of wine

_If I had to walk away from skating, finish with this life just to be by your side, I will._

 

 

> I’ll start to get ready  
>  Be quiet now

_I don’t want you to be quiet.  I need to hear your voice.  I long to reach you.  I long for you to reach back to me._

 

 

> With a sword I wish I could cut those throats singing about love  
>  I wish I could enclose in ice the hands that write those verses of burning passion

_I want to destroy those that hurt you, Yuuri.  The violence of my thoughts towards them scare me.  I hope they haven’t stolen you away from me before I had the chance to acknowledge these stirrings of emotions._

 

 

> This story that has no meaning  
>  Will vanish tonight together with the stars  
>  If I could see you, eternity will be born from hope

_I need to see you.  I long to rest my eyes on you, to feel you in my arms, to know you are safe.  I long to be your safe haven._

 

 

> Stay close to me, don’t go away  
>  I’m afraid of losing you

_All I want to do at this point is stay close to you, Yuuri.  How can I reach you?  I don’t want to lose you._

 

 

> Your hands, your legs,  
>  My hands, my legs,  
>  And our heartbeats  
>  Are blending together

_When we danced, we were completely connected.  I felt lost in you.  No.  I found myself in you.  Can you find yourself in me?_

 

 

> Let’s leave together  
>  I’m ready now

_Do I need to meet you where you are?  I’m ready now.  Yuuri._

As he tumbled out of the final strains, he already knew a decision had been made.  Yakov will kill him but it didn’t matter.  He had to go to him. 

 

* * *

 

 

He cradled his phone in his hand trying to decide how to breech the conversation when a text from Chris startled him.

**_C/ I saw your skate.  Damn, Victor!_ **

**_V/ I was thinking of him._ **

**_C/ You are still caught up in him.  Is it guilt?_ **

**_V/ It…_ **

Victor paused a moment thinking about that.  If it was guilt, then his motives were selfish.  That would not be good enough for Yuuri.  His eyes widened as if that thought answered his question.

**_V/ No.  It isn’t guilt.  I wanted him before it happened._ **

**_C/ I know.  I could see that at the banquet._ **

**_V/ I’ve never been affected this deeply.  I’m going to go to him._ **

**_C/ I see.  Do you think he wants that?_ **

**_V/ We’ve been texting.  He’s actually replies now.  Phichit says he watches for my words._ **

**_C/ Don’t go all Victor on him._ **

**_V/ What do you mean?_ **

**_C/ When you commit to something, you go full force.  This situation requires…a lighter touch._ **

**_V/ I know that!_ **

**_C/ I just don’t want you to overwhelm Yuuri._ **

**_V/ …_ **

**_C/ I’d give you the same advice if the attack hadn’t occurred._ **

**_V/ Am I really that bad?_ **

**_C/ It’s not bad.  But Yuuri is quiet.  Shy.  I competed against him in one of the earlier competitions and he kept to himself.  His friend Phichit is very protective._ **

**_V/ I’ve noticed.   Phichit seems to think I’m necessary to Yuuri, though._ **

**_C/ Follow your heart, Victor, but use a light touch._ **

 

Victor took a deep breath and searched through his contacts.  He located Phichit’s name.  Phichit said they’d stay up to watch it live and to not worry about the time difference.

“Phichit, did he watch it?”

“Yes.  And…it affected him.”

“It…affected me, too.”  Victor squeezed his eyes shut to dig into his courage.  “Phichit, is there room for one more at your place?”

Silence on the other end as Phichit processed the question.  “In this apartment?  We have an extra room if that’s what you are asking.”

“Yes.  I want to…I want to come there.  It’s killing me to be so far away.  All I do is think about him.”

Phichit again took in this information before responding, “I’ve been having to pull on a number of friends to make ice time and make sure he is safe.  I’m not sure what happened the other night with Craig but he is no longer welcome here.  I even had the locks changed out just in case."  He considered the offer once more before responding, "It could help.”  A pause.  “But what about Europeans and Worlds?”

“Do you think Celestino can spare me some rink time?”

“Of course.  Especially if it was for Yuuri’s sake.  We are all so worried about him.”

“That’s all I need.  And maybe his expert eye.  Yakov won’t be happy but I have to do this.”

“I understand.  Should I tell Yuuri?”

“No.  I don’t know how long it will take to work out the logistics.  I’ll need to get my house sitter to prolong his stay or at least check on it.  Oh, and Makkachin.”

“You can…bring her.”

“You don’t mind?”

“We both know that this could take some time.  I think it would be best if you bring her.  And Yuuri recently lost his dog.  His name was Vicchan.”

“Then it’s settled.  I’ll let you know when the details wrap up.  Please contact me if anything changes with Yuuri in the meantime.”

“Of course.  And…thanks, Victor.  It’s been…hard.  I could use the help.”

“I’ll be there as soon as possible, Phichit.  Just hold down the fort until I arrive.”

“I will!  And I look forward to you coming.  I’ll let Celestino know to expect you as well.”

 

* * *

 

 

The next week passed by with paperwork and coaches talking back and forth.  Yakov didn’t even fight him on this.  “I knew I lost you that night,” he responded to Victor’s request.  “You still skate beautifully but it’s hard to hold your focus.”

“I can’t let him go.  He grabbed hold of something inside of me even before he was attacked.  His turning to me after seems to have cemented it.”

Yakov studied him intently.  “Are you still going to follow through with your commitments?”

“Yes.  Europeans and Worlds.  Celestino has been in contact and said that he’d be happy to help out with our communication and rink time.”

“I need to see film.  You have to keep in contact.”  Yakov ran his fingers through his hair as he studied Victor.  “You’re like a son to me.  I worry about you.”

“I know, Yakov,” Victor whispered.  “I won’t lose touch.”

“Good.  Then let’s figure out how to make this work.” 

 

* * *

 

 

By the end of the week, Victor had everything in place including his house sitter.  “This is long term, Sasha.  But you won’t have to watch Makka.  Make yourself at home and I’ll keep in touch like always.”

Sasha smiled reassuringly.  “Keep watch over your friend.  I’ll make sure all is well here.  Besides, I have several pieces of art to worry about.  Not having to pay rent is a good thing.”

Victor grinned.  “I’m moving quite a bit.  So you should have the space for your things.  If there is anything left in the way, just put them into my room.  The guest room is yours.”

“It will be nice to not be dependent on Lyosha.  He’s been so clingy.  I’d like some personal space for a change.”

“And maybe a quiet place to work?”

Sasha nodded.  “I have several commissions to work on including yours.”

“Good.  I look forward to seeing the progress.  _Skates_ is already at the framers.”

“I’ll pick it up when it is ready.”

“Thank you.  For everything.”

“Of course.  Give me at least a month’s notice before you return?”

“I will make sure you have enough time to find a place.  If notice is short, we might have to share a space but I won’t put you on the streets.”

“Well, that’s good to know.”  Sasha studied Victor for a few moments before continuing.  “I hope your friend is okay.”

“Me, too.  And that I can help reach him.”

 

**Notes:**

The translation for _Stammi Vicino_ was found [here](http://yurionice.wikia.com/wiki/Aria:_Stay_Close_to_Me).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've posted often but this may slow down soon as spring break is coming to a close. Also, I need to give some attention to "Semicolon" and "Lost and Found".
> 
> I love the comments and Kudos. Keep following!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor comes to Detroit!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit longer as it establishes relationships. Enjoy a sneak peek at the layout of their apartment in the link at the end.

* * *

 

Victor arrived in Detroit the next day.  His belongings would arrive in another week.  So it was just his luggage and Makka for now.  Celestino met him and drove him to the apartment shared by Phichit and Yuuri.  “I can’t believe you decided to come here,” Celestino stated, echoing conversations over the past week.

Victor offered a small smile in response as he loaded his luggage.  Makka settled into the back seat of Celestino’s car. “I could either stay in Russia and worry or come here and help.  It may not be much but I get the impression Phichit is overwhelmed.”

“We all are, to be honest.  His parents have talked about him coming home but there has been a decided refusal by Yuuri on this matter.”

“Refusal?  But I thought he wasn’t speaking.”

“Oh, he finds other ways to communicate.  Nods and gestures.  And those eyes.  If you’ve ever seen him skate, you know how strong his nonverbal communication skills.”

“I’ve watched pretty much every video available since Sochi.  I researched him plenty before then, of course.  But…he’s such a beautiful expressive skater.  I looked forward to facing him on the ice.  And meeting him.”

Celestino studied the man next to him as he took the seat next to him.  Turning back to the road, he eased out of parking.  “It won’t be easy.”

“I don’t expect it to be,” Victor confessed.  _I’m scared.  But he is more scared._

They drove in silence for a short period until Celestino turned into a residential district.  “This area surrounds the campus.  Yuuri and Phichit live in an apartment that rents to students.  Their third roommate just graduated so you lucked out.”

“I’m glad to hear that.  How far is the rink from the apartment?”

Celestino considered the thought.  “It’s less than a mile.  However, if you plan to run, you might talk to Phichit.  He has several routes that he and Yuuri mapped out together.”

“Thank you.”  Victor studied the road as he gathered his thoughts.  Finally, he stated, “I’m not here on a whim, you know.”

Celestino took in the information thoughtfully before responding, “I honestly don’t know what to think.  My only concern is for Yuuri in this matter.  I don’t want to see him hurt any more than he’s already gone through.  I’m sure you can understand that.”

“I do.  We want the same things.  I know…the press isn’t friendly about my reputation.”

Celestino laughed bitterly.  “I never listen to the press.  Skating gossip, however, has you in several casual relationships and maybe three committed ones since your teens.  Gossip still has you with Chris.”

“Chris and I dated but that’s been over for some time.  We are better as friends.  However, he is probably my closest friend.  So we are seen together often.”

“You should know…Yuuri hasn’t been in any relationships to my knowledge.  He’s gone on a couple of dates I believe, but nothing that warranted a second date.  He keeps to himself.  The…display at the banquet.  It’s not typical.”

“I know.  I’m not coming into this with those expectations.  For the moment, I just want to be his friend.  He trusts me.  I don’t know why but I want to be worthy of that.”

“Good, because I have no problem shipping your ass back to Russia.”  The warning was there.  Not quite a father’s voice but definitely a protective uncle. 

Victor smiled in spite of himself.  “I’m glad to know he is surrounded by people who care so much for him.  Just know that I feel the same.  I may not have the history with him but that doesn’t mean I don’t share in the same goals.”

They pulled into a parking garage.  “This apartment has a garage attached to it.  There is a bike rack on each floor but I suggest if you get one, you take it inside.”

“Will I need to sign some paperwork?”

“Since you are essentially taking over the rent from the previous roommate, the manager will stop by later to go through the lease with you and hand over the keys.  That lease wraps up in May and you’ll need to decide if you will stay longer at that time.”

“Good.  If I can pay for the rest of the lease period, that would be most convenient.”

“I’m sure the management would like that.  Yuuri and Phichit do that with their sponsor fees.”

 

* * *

 

 Victor stood nervously outside the door.  Celestino watched on with amusement.  “Might as well get it over with.  You’re committed now.”

“Right,” Victor responded with a sharp nod.  He knocked on the door.  He was taken aback when a woman answered.  Glancing at Celestino uncertainly, the coach stepped forward.

“Natalia!  Where’s Phichit?”

“He had to run downstairs to meet the delivery guy.  I’ve just stepped in for a few minutes until he returned.”  Turning to Victor, she took his hand warmly guiding him into the room.  “You must be Yuuri’s friend Victor.  I’m glad to meet you.  I live two doors down should you ever need someone to step in and help out.”

“Oh, nice to meet you.”  Victor found his charm and smiled warmly in return.  She blinked in surprise and blushed before guiding him on into the living room.  “Is Yuuri…” he trailed off not knowing what to ask.

Natalia glanced down a hallway to the left.  “He’s staying in his room today.  I came over with Ashley and about three dogs yesterday.  It seemed to help but sometimes Yuuri needs a break after too much socialization.  Even more these days.”  Her last statement dropped with stronger meaning.  She then noticed the dog hovering behind Victor’s legs.  “Oh, is he yours?”

“Yes.  Makkachin, this is Natalia.”  With a tug of the leash, Makka accepted the invitation to enter the woman’s space.  She knelt down and cooed in greeting and scratching his ears and neck.  Makka happily ate up the attention.  “It’s been a long trip for you.  I know you are exhausted.  Phichit should be back up shortly.  He ordered Chinese to be delivered for your meal.”

“Will you be joining us?”

“If you don’t mind.  I don’t want to tire you out.”

“No, I’m fine.  As long as it is comfortable with Yuuri, that is.”

A rustle by the door and they turned to see the warm friendliness known as Phichit come through the door.  “Victor!  You’re here!  I have food.  Let me get Yuuri.  Are you staying, Natalia?  Celestino?”

“I never turn down free food,” Natalia responded.  Celestino backed out of the invitation stating he needed to return to the rink.

“Okay, you two set it up and I’ll get Yuuri,” Phichit suggested motioning towards the coffee table in the living room.

 

* * *

 

 A knock pulled Yuuri from a dreamless sleep.  Stretching, he pushed himself up from bed.  Switching to the room with its own bathroom seemed to help quite a bit for Yuuri’s comfort levels.  He found his daily care much more attainable.  He opened the door and waved his friend inside as he retreated to the bathroom to wash his face.  “I brought food.  Natalia is joining us.  I hope you don’t mind.”

Yuuri shook his head as he reached for a comb and straightened up his hair before resetting his glasses.  He turned to look at his roommate who nodded with approval.  Since Craig’s threat, he had been pushing himself to take better care.  He still had bad periods but he could tell he was getting better.  Words still remained elusive but he was better at using his phone to communicate with others.

They opened the door and entered the hallway when Makkachin greeted them curiously.  Yuuri drew his brows together in confusion.  Following Phichit into the living space his eyes widened as they rested on Victor.

“Well, hello, Yuuri!  I’m so happy to see you,” he greeted warmly, rising up and walking towards him. 

Yuuri’s mouth opened but the word became stuck.  _Victor!_   He surged forward to those open arms and soon found himself wrapped up in Victor’s embrace.

“I’m here, Yuuri,” he purred softly against Yuuri’s head.  Lifting his chin to look into those brown eyes, he added, “I hope it’s not a terrible shock but what can I say.  I love to surprise people.”

Yuuri tightened his embrace in answer and that seemed to settle Victor.  They joined the other two in the room around the table. 

Natalia grinned and reached out to squeeze his hand.  “I’m so glad your friend is here.  It’s good to see more of that smile.”

Yuuri could feel his blush rising up but nodded in agreement.  They all settled in to enjoy the meal.  Phichit and Victor discussed logistics of his stay while Natalia talked about upcoming classes.  _Oh, classes.  They will start in three days.  Can I…_

Yuuri closed his eyes to fight the panic starting to rise up.  Victor seemed to be in tune with him because he trailed off his conversation and turned his focus on Yuuri.  “Are you alright, Yuuri?”

He reached for his phone.

**_I have classes.  I forgot.  I haven’t left since I’ve gotten back._ **

Victor read the message and then shared it with the others.

Phichit tilted his head thoughtfully before offering options.  “We need to get you to leave the apartment.  However, if you aren’t ready, yet, perhaps we should check out some online options.  It’s not too late to change your schedule.”

**_I need these to graduate._ **

“I know.  It will be fine.  We’ll figure this out.”

Victor reached for his hand, grabbing Yuuri’s attention.  “Perhaps we can start small about leaving the apartment.  Do you think you can help me walk Makka?”

Yuuri studied this man for a moment.  _With you, I think I can.  I am safe with you.  I don’t know how to tell you this but I can try._   He hesitantly nodded.  He was rewarded with a beautiful smile.

“Wonderful.  Let’s put on our shoes and I’ll get Makka’s leash,” Victor invited.

 _Oh, now…umm, okay._   Victor didn’t give him time to change his mind and he soon found himself wearing shoes and holding a leash as Victor grabbed his phone and waved to Phichit.  His roommate watched them leave with shocked eyes.

 

* * *

 

**_C/  Did Victor arrive?_ **

**_P/  Yes.  I’m surprised you didn’t contact him._ **

**_C/  I did.  He seems occupied and isn’t answering._ **

**_P/  He is here…and he got Yuuri to leave the apartment.  He hasn’t been here a day and he already has Yuuri outside._ **

**_C/  Controlling Victor is like holding back a hurricane._ **

**_P/  True…but I don’t think I want to.  Maybe this is a good thing._ **

**_C/  You weren’t sure?_ **

**_P/  I’m not sure of anything these days but I was desperate when the offer was made._ **

**_C/  Well, you can message me if I need to reign him in.  I can’t promise anything but he sometimes listens to me._ **

**_P/  I know what you are saying here.  Yuuri is every bit as stubborn.  Independent.  I know he hates this.  He doesn’t want to be a burden._ **

**_C/  Let Victor work his magic._ **

 

* * *

 

Victor ignored the buzz in his pocket.  He’ll catch up later tonight.  For now, he focused on Yuuri.  They stood outside the apartment in a grassy area set aside for pets.  Bags were even provided to handle the leavings.  After picking up after Makka, they quietly returned to the apartment and rode the elevator to the third floor.  “I hope…you are okay with me being here.”

Yuuri looked across the elevator and met his eyes before nodding.

Victor reached out and took his hands drawing him closer.  “Good because I don’t think I could stay away much longer,” Victor murmured.

Yuuri’s eyes widened and he blushed but he didn’t pull away.

 

They exited the elevator and continued down the hallway to the apartment.  Opening the door, they found Phichit alone and putting away the leftovers.  “Oh, I could have helped with that!”

“It’s fine,” Phichit stated with a smile.  “You’ve had a long trip and so has Makka.  Let’s get you both settled.”  Victor watched Yuuri retreat down the hallway.

Phichit led Victor into the third bedroom and spread his arms.  “This is it.  I found an extra set of sheets and bedding until your things arrive.  It’s not large but there are the common spaces as well.  It doesn’t have an attached bathroom but there is one across the hall.  I moved Yuuri to the room at the end of the hall after…well…”  Phichit trailed off. 

Victor looked around then smiled warmly.  “This will do nicely.  Show me the rest, please.”

Phichit nodded and led Victor across the hall.  “This is basically your bathroom but it is also the one guests use.  Sorry about the set up.”  They exited into the hall and he pointed to the door at the end.  “That is Yuuri’s room.  When he is ready, he’ll invite you in.  He is protective of his space.”

“I understand.”  They moved back to the common space.

“The kitchen should have all the equipment you need.  We share most things but if it is something you don’t share, just put a V on it.  Yuuri’s has a K and I have a P on mine.  We tend to go shopping together once a week.  Celestino will let us use his car for a few hours at that time.”

Turning towards the living area where they ate, he added, “Utilities are included which includes data and cable.  The data is a bit sketchy at times, though.  It likes to cut out when a major paper is due.  So we retreat to the library when that happens.  That door to the right is mine.”

Turning to Victor, he appeared to be choosing his words carefully.  “I know…you feel somehow responsible but if you are just here to assuage your guilt, perhaps this isn’t good for Yuuri.  I don’t want him to be hurt any more than he already has.”

“I have no intention of hurting Yuuri.  Believe me when I say that I’m here for Yuuri.  My needs are secondary.”

“You say that…forgive me, but we’ve been friends for a while.  I’ve been protecting him and watching over him since we met.”

“He’s older, though,” Victor observed.

“Our strengths play well towards each other.  Yuuri struggles with making friends and that comes easily to me.  I can be careless and a bit of a risk taker.  He pulls me in and makes me think.  I miss his words of wisdom.”  The wistfulness in Phichit’s voice is not lost to Victor.

“We’ll get him back, Phichit.  I get the feeling he is trying to come out of himself.”

 

* * *

 

** Notes: **

I’m basing their apartment layout off this set of [apartments](http://www.myprimeplace.com/floorplans/68-Elm-Apartments-Stillwater-3-bedroom-apartment) just off campus at OSU.  I know they are in Detroit but I’m taking a little creative license and this company builds apartments in a number of college towns.  Yuuri actually has his own bathroom (Left side) now but when he was trying to escape Craig, he lived in the middle room and sought refuge in the common bathroom.  Phichit’s room is on the right side.  Victor now has the little room.  Last one to arrive gets the leavings!  We’ll pretend his closet is at least a walk-in.  They come furnished, though, so Victor didn’t have to worry about that.  And all bills paid.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes we're fine until suddenly we aren't.

* * *

 

 

Yuuri shook himself out his cocoon.  He could hear Victor sorting out his room, music playing lightly through the wall.  He couldn’t stop the smile when he heard Victor singing with the lyrics.  _God, is that Beyonce?_   Yuuri shook his head.  _Victor will be an interesting puzzle to figure out.  I wouldn’t mind knowing the man, though.  He already is so much more than the image he presents to the world._

He splashed water on his face and looked at the image presented in the mirror.  He’s looked worse but at the moment he looked more himself than in the past weeks.  I miss myself.  He ran his fingers along the remnants of facial hair.  He’d never grow a full beard not that he wanted to but at the moment he had a rather scruffy appearance. 

Pulling a towel, he stepped into the shower.  _Victor came here for me.  Why am I that important?  Is it because I keep reaching out to him?  No, he kept reaching out to me.  Even in the gap of silence before I answered back, he kept the conversation flowing.  But I’m no one and he’s Victor.  I don’t feel worthy of his time.  Especially now…that they’ve…_

The darkness came out unexpectedly and he dropped down into the corner of a shower.  A keening cry shook loose as he folded in on himself.  The shower pelted against his back as he shrank further into the corner.

The door slammed open.  “Yuuri!”  Victor’s voice.  The sound of the knob on the shower.  The water stopped.  Hands.  A towel wrapped around his shoulders.  He felt the hands pulling him.  He turned and looked up meeting those blue eyes.  _How do those eyes always find me?_ Arms gathered him closer, helping him stand.  He realized the man was talking to him.  _What was he saying?_   He shook his head to clear the roar.

Victor guided him from the shower enclosure and on into the bathroom.  Phichit was waiting with a blanket that he cocooned Yuuri into.  The two men guided him back to his room.  He clung to the man with the blue eyes.  Names.  They were there then gone.  He felt lost.  The man settled him into bed.  He heard the voice.  _What was it saying?_   A song…he’s heard this before.  _Oh…when Craig…_

He looked up towards those eyes trying to force out the name.  Victor.  The voice continued to sing, his voice soothing.  _Cossack’s Lullaby.  That’s what he called it.  His mother sang it to him._

He felt a glass pressed into his hand and turned.  The other man, Phichit, his friend.  He looked at the glass.  Water.  His friend was urging him to drink it with his motions.  He drew the glass to his lips and slowly drank.

The roar began to subside and he could hear more clearly now.  He leaned forward and handed the glass to Phichit and squeezed his hand in gratitude.  Turning to Victor, he could see the worry in those blue eyes.  Victor said something.  Oh, he is calling his dog’s name.  The dog came up and lay beside him.

“Makka, you watch over Yuuri tonight.  He doesn’t need to be alone.”  Victor and Phichit tucked him in and lowered the light.  Phichit left first, hesitating at the door.  Victor remained a while longer carding his fingers through his hair, the action soothing and lulling him to sleep.  He didn’t know when Victor left the room.

 

* * *

 

 

Victor found his way into his room and stretched out across his own bed.  His thoughts rolled around and he felt the strain of the day compete with the exhaustion of travel.  He didn’t know when the tears started rising up from his eyes but soon he felt them sliding down his cheek.  A buzz of his phone brought his attention to the ignored notifications.

Sasha asked if he had landed well and if he could move some things into his old bedroom to make room for studio space. 

**_V/  I’m here.  It’s fine.  Do what you need to do._ **

Sasha must be already awake because he responded fairly quickly.

**_S/  Thank you.  Is everything okay?_ **

Victor mulled that question around.  No, it’s not but he didn’t feel close enough to Sasha these days to express that.  So he lied and told him that he was fine.

Chris’s messages came next asking about his flight, Yuuri, and Detroit.  A few worried texts followed.

**_V/  I’m fine and settling in.  Yuuri seems happy to have me here.  Except, he fell apart on me.  Are you up?_ **

**_C/  Yes.  Skype?_ **

**_V/  Pulling my computer up as we speak._ **

He sent the skype call through and Chris’s face appeared _.  “Mon cher_!  How are you?”

Victor worked on pulling himself under control before answering in French.  “It was good…then it wasn’t.  He seemed happy that I am here.  He even joined me when I took Makka for a short walk.  Then while I was unpacking, he fell apart in the shower.  I…just reacted.  I turned off the water and wrapped him in a towel.  Chris?  What if I cause more harm than good?”

Chris took in his friend’s words and studied his image before responding.  “It’s not an easy path you’ve chosen, my friend.  But I cannot believe you will cause more harm than good.  You got him to go outside?”

“Yes.  He hadn’t left since the…attack.”

“Phichit told me.  You’ve only been there a few hours and you got him to go outside.”

“He fell apart.”

“He is going to fall apart.  He’s trying to piece together the fragments of himself.  The pieces don’t always fit and the entire thing tumbles down.”

“I just…don’t want to hurt him.  He’s been hurt enough.”

“What happened after you gathered him up?”

“I settled him in his bed, well, Phichit and I.  Then called Makka to stay by his side.  He…held onto my hand until he fell asleep.”

“It sounds like you are doing good, Victor.  Remember, use a light touch.  Set small goals and celebrate those.”

Victor processed that information before nodding.  “Thank you, Chris.”  He yawned feeling his journey catch up to him.  “My apologies and good night.”

“Good night, _mon cher_.”

Victor opened up a document and began purging his thoughts before sleep.  “I’m here for better or worse.  Let it be for better.  Yuuri has already left the house since I arrived.  Of course, he also had a break down in the shower.  The _Cossack’s Lullaby_ seems to help calm him as well as Makka.  He doesn’t push me away.  He seems to want me close.  Chris suggested I focus on small goals and celebrate them.  So tomorrow I’ll work with those who care for him to make goals.  I need to also know what others do to calm him.  I long to hear his voice but that might take a while.  Hopefully not too long.”

 

* * *

 

 

Morning filtered into his room in winter gray.  He felt warmth shuffle beside him and turned to find a dog huff towards him.  _Makka_.  He reached out and buried his hand into her fur.  She responded with a small lick on his face and then snuggling up near his neck.  He heard movement towards his door and turned to see Victor leaning against the facing.

Victor’s melodious voice greeted him warmly.  “Good morning, Yuuri.  I know Makka is going to need a walk soon.  Are you up to joining us?”  It was as if the panic from the previous night never occurred.  Or perhaps it wasn’t as startling as Yuuri thought.  Regardless, Victor doesn’t seem to be scared away.  Yuuri nodded slowly and was rewarded with a smile.  “Good!  I’ll leave you to get dressed.  If you think you could handle a run, even better.”  Victor left the room. 

A run.  He hasn’t gone running since before Sochi.  He ran daily before then.  He missed the pound of the pavement and the give of the dirt trails as he lost himself in the music and the motion.  It settled his nerves with the repetitive action that did not require his focus.  It was different from skating and dancing but it helped. 

 

* * *

 

 

Victor walked into the living room dressed in his running pants and a basic t-shirt.  A hoodie hung from his hand as he gathered what he needed.  Phichit watched him curiously before asking his plan.  Victor looked up surprised.  “The immediate answer is I’m going for a walk, maybe a run.  The long term answer is that I’m trying to reestablish his routine.”

Phichit’s eyes widened.  “He’s going with you?”

“I invited him to walk Makka.  Once he accepted, I extended it to the possibility of a run.  As they say in America, the ball is in his court now.”

Victor wasn’t prepared for the younger man to hug him suddenly but he chuckled softly as he accepted and returned the embrace.  He continued in a quiet voice.  “I know you were left to handle this mess but I’m here and I sincerely want to help Yuuri to find his feet and hopefully his voice again.”

Phichit pulled away and looked down at his feet.  “I know.  I realize that now.  I watched…how you handled him last night and realized your sincerity.”  Lifting his gray eyes to meet blue, he added, “I’m sorry…I doubted you.”

“I understand and I’m glad you are protective over him.”  That was all that needed to be said.  Any remaining tension that stood between them drained away.

Yuuri entered the living space dressed to run, his phone in one hand and earbuds in another.  He entered the kitchen and emerged with a piece of fruit and a bottle of water.  He raised his hand as if to signal, “Well?”

Victor grinned in response.  “Come on, Yuuri.”  Yuuri nodded and tossed a bottle of water to Victor, leading the way to the door. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Classes start back up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last post for the night. Enjoy and good night.

* * *

 

“How far do you run, Yuuri?”  Victor asked as he prepared Makka to join him.  Yuuri flashed five fingers to indicate 5k then a “thumbs up” to show or more.  Victor nodded his understanding.  “I may need to call a break if you go more.”

Yuuri grinned and led them to the trail, stretching as they went.  They set an easy pace, running next to each other when the trail permitted and Yuuri taking the lead when it narrowed.  Yuuri ran with one earbud so he could hear Victor but for the most part they were silent. 

“Makka needs a break,” Victor finally called.  Yuuri smirked when he turned to find Victor was gasping for breath.  Victor put out a collapsible dish and poured water for the dog to drink before drinking some for himself.  “Your stamina is amazing, Yuuri.” 

The other grinned in response.  It wasn’t the first time he’d heard that.  They drank generously from their water bottles while Victor caught his breath.  Yuuri turned on the trail thoughtfully.  He missed this and Victor’s presence grounded him enough to face it.  His eyes turned in the direction of the rink. 

“Let’s finish this,” Victor invited.  Yuuri turned to catch his grin.  Motioning, he urged Victor to follow him over the summit.  Perhaps the hilly path he chose was a bit demanding but at this time of the day, it was practically deserted.  Victor followed his steps steadily and had only called halt once so far.  He expected another before the end of the run.

 

* * *

 

 

“I have morning rink time,” Victor stated as they arrived back at the apartment.  “Do you want to join me?”

Yuuri shifted and his face revealed a yearning.  He pulled out his phone and responded.

**_Too crowded._ **

“Perhaps when I return to the ice this evening.  I know you must miss the ice.”

**_Yes_ **

“Then it’s settled.  It will be just the two of us this evening.”  Small goals.  One step at a time.  “If you don’t want to get on the ice, then you can watch.  And maybe record it for Yakov.”

Yuuri looked up surprised and nodded.

**_I can definitely film.  Phichit, too, if needed._ **

Or perhaps not.  “Well, we’ll see how the day goes.  I’ll be back by noon.  You shouldn’t be alone long but Natalia said you can text her if you need her.”

Yuuri watched Victor gather his skates and shifted uncomfortably.  He wanted to join him but he wasn’t ready for everyone else.  And Craig might be there. 

He decided to pull out his laptop and see if he needed anything for class.  The bookstore would be open on the Saturday before classes.  Most of his coursework was now online this quarter and he reached for the computer to log into the virtual classroom.  He flicked through the assignment deadlines and requirements.  He had three classes online and a senior level ballet.  However, his coach contacted his instructor regarding the situation and she agreed to meet with him one on one until he was ready to meet with the class.  Open studio met this afternoon and she sent a message saying she'd be there.  He looked up thoughtfully.  Would Victor go with him?  Is that asking too much?

He made a list of what he needed at the bookstore.  He definitely needed help with that.  He sent a text to Natalia.

**_Y/  If you are free, I need to pick up supplies at the bookstore.  Would you go with me?_ **

**_N/  Of course!  I’ll be there in half an hour.  Do you know what you need?_ **

**_Y/  Yes.  I’m just not sure I can interact.  Thank you._ **

True to her word, Natalia showed up with an empty backpack except for the water bottle tucked in the side pocket.  “Ready?”

Yuuri made sure Makka was settled then turned and nodded grabbing his own backpack.  He showed the list to her as they made their way across campus.  “What are you taking that requires all of those novels?”

**_French Lit_ **

“Upper level elective?”

Yuuri nodded.

“Is it in French?”

He nodded slowly then raised his hand, tilting it back and forth to indicate “somewhat”.

“Well, how many languages does that make for you?”

Yuuri counted on his hand as he thought about it.  Japanese, English, and French with a small amount of Thai.  He could recognize some Russian spoken but struggled speaking it.  That thought struck him funny.  He glanced over to see Natalia giving him a funny look.  He shrugged and pointed towards the building to indicate they arrived. 

The rush for books was not a fun experience for someone who didn’t suffer from anxiety and trauma.  For Yuuri, it was a nightmare.  He grabbed onto Natalia without thinking but she didn’t pull away from him.  She actually placed a comforting hand over his.  “Perhaps we should have brought Makka or one of Ashley’s dogs.”

Yuuri nodded in agreement.  They stood in line for half an hour before they reached the clerk.  “My friend needs these.  He prefers unmarked texts if available.  And I need these.  Cheapest available.”  The clerk eyed Yuuri judgmentally and he tightened his hold on Natalia.  “Is there a problem?” she admonished the clerk sharply. 

“N-no ma’am,” he stuttered and slipped away to fulfill the order.

“I need paper, pencils, pens…you?”

Yuuri nodded.  Soon the clerk returned with the first set of books.  Yuuri’s.  The second set held Natalia’s books and CDs.  “You’d think by now we’d order these online.”  Yuuri nodded in agreement as they made their way to the table of basic supplies.  Those in hand, they found themselves in another line.  Another half hour wait and they were checking out.  The clerk took his credit card and ID and didn’t require Yuuri to speak.  She probably figured he couldn’t speak English.  Natalia grabbed his arm and led him from the crowd.  “Well, that was an adventure.  Do you think you could manage coffee?”

Yuuri looked a bit wilted but then he spotted Phichit across the Student Union and waved at him.  Phichit jogged over to him.  “I can’t believe you came!”

“We both needed books.  So we came together.”

“Have you figured out how you are going to manage dance studio, yet?”

**_I haven’t asked yet but maybe Victor?_ **

“I’m sure he’ll say yes.  He may even stay for the class.”

Yuuri shrugged uncertainly. 

“I was going to grab a coffee but I don’t think Yuuri can do another crowd.  Can he hang out with you until I get back?”

“Sure!  I’m in between classes.  I came over during break at the rink to grab my own books.”

Natalia returned shortly with three cups.  “You know our order well!” Phichit exclaimed.  “Thank you!”

“Least I could do.  You bought dinner.”  She turned to Yuuri with a raised eyebrow.  “Are you ready to head home?”

He nodded with a sigh.  More than ready.

 

* * *

 

 

Shortly after noon, Victor arrived to find Yuuri spread out on the bar with his laptop, two novels, and a notebook.  “I see your day isn’t wasted,” he responded.  Yuuri raised up the first book, Sports Injury and Prevention, and the second, History of Dance and Choreography.  Victor raised an eyebrow.  “I guess I don’t know your major.”

**_BFA in Dance.  My skating counts towards most of my performance requirements._ **

“Oh.  In Russia, I never thought about University.  I mean, I dated an artist for about a year and he lived with me for most of it while he finished up.  But I figured I’d go from skating to choreography and coaching.”

**_This degree prepares me to do the same.  You can train under a coach.  I came to skating through dance._ **

“I came to dance through skating.  So I learned the skill needed to improve myself on the ice.”

**_I love both._ **

Victor nodded.  “I think I’ll shower while you study.”  Victor turned to leave when he felt a hand on his arm and turned to find the phone pressed in his hand.

**_Will you walk with me to my afternoon class?  It’s ballet studio._ **

Victor’s eyes widened but he nodded.  “Anything you need, Yuuri.  Just ask.”

Yuuri nodded with a smile and let him go. 

 

* * *

 

 

When Victor emerged from his shower, Yuuri had cleaned off the bar and was preparing a meal for the two of them.  “Mmm, what have we here?”

**_I wish it was katsudon.  However, I have to win to warrant that reward._ **

Victor tilted his head in surprise.  “Do you not see all the wins you accomplished since I arrived?”  Yuuri shook his head slowly so Victor continued.  “You left the apartment.  You went running.  You started your classes.  You somehow got your books.  And you are planning to go to dance class and possibly the rink tonight.  You should celebrate your victories no matter how small.”

**_I gain weight easily.  I can’t eat katsudon for each of those victories._ **

“Then we’ll find other ways to celebrate.  For now, what is on  the menu.”

_**Grilled chicken breast, rice, and steamed vegetables.** _

“Sounds great!”  Victor watched Yuuri serve up the meal for the two of them.  It was apparent that Yuuri believed in seasoning because he could taste the garlic, ginger, and something else.  “Vkusno!”  Yuuri laughed at his exuberance and joined him in the meal.  They washed dishes afterwards and cleaned the kitchen. 

Yuuri waved Victor to follow him to his room where Victor sat on his bed and watched Yuuri gather his bag together.  Victor observed several different bags organized against the wall.  This one was apparently his dance bag with the dance shoes, tape, and other supplies he gathered.

Yuuri pulled out his phone and typed a message. 

**_It is open studio.  You can join me.  My teacher is evaluating me to make a plan.  Independent study._ **

“Oh.  Let me see if I have my dance gear with me.”

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri led the way to the dance studios.  Victor jogged up to his side and grabbed his hand.  Yuuri drew still and turned to look at the hand than him.  Victor started to let go.  _Maybe I crossed a line.  I’m pushing.  Don’t be too Victor._ Chris’s words echoed in his thoughts but Yuuri nodded and turned his hand to grip his in return.  They continued across campus. 

Every so often Victor paused pulling Yuuri to a halt.  Yuuri smiled indulgently as Victor looked around.  With a tug, Victor would start moving again.  “I’ve never been to a University,” Victor confessed as they drew up to the studio doors.  “Even when I dated Sasha, we had separate lives.  Perhaps that is why it didn’t work out.”  Yuuri tilted his head thoughtfully before taking out his phone.

**_I have no experience in relationships.  I never make it past the first date._ **

Victor raised his eyebrows in surprise.  “But you’re beautiful!” he burst then covered his mouth.

Yuuri blushed and chuckled and tapped some more words on the screen.

**_I don’t know about all that but thank you._ **

“Well, I meant it.  Shall we go in?”  Yuuri nodded and opened the door.

Yuuri led the way to the dressing room.  Victor dressed efficiently before turning to watch Yuuri dress.  He dressed like it was a ceremony laying out each item in an order.  Stripping down, he started with the dance belt.  He followed this with black tights, gathering them efficiently and then sliding them up his legs with expert ease.  He gathered his black t-shirt and pulled it over his head.  Finally, he reached for his ballet slippers.  Victor turned before Yuuri realized, or at least acknowledged the almost voyeuristic watching and slipped out of the room with one thought on his mind _.  I want to put those shoes onto those lovely feet._

Yuuri joined him in the studio phone in hand.  He led Victor across the room and used his phone to make introductions with his instructor.  Victor shook her hand and then retreated to the opposite side of the room to allow them to work though the examination.  He heard her commands as she took Yuuri from the basics to more complex movements.  He became involved in his own stretches and didn’t realize as first that she was summoning him.  “Victor.  Are you here to help him?”

His eyes widened and he nodded stepping forward. 

“Can you partner?”

“It’s been awhile.  My focus has never been ballet and I don’t skate in pairs.”

“We need to add dimension.  I want him to work on partnering movements but he needs a partner.  And there will be a recital at the end of the semester.”

Victor started to shake his head.  “I don’t want to affect his grade.”

“Don’t worry.  You won’t affect the grade.  I will be examining him when it comes to the grade.  But I will work with both of you.  Consider it free ballet instruction.  Deal?”

“I…um…Yurri?  Are you okay with this?”

Yuuri had been stretching at the barre but Victor knew he’d been listening.  He paused at the barre then recentered.  Reaching down with his phone, he typed his response.

**_It is your decision but if you help me with this, I’ll help with your step sequences._ **

Victor’s eyes widened at the offer.  He was envious of those sequences and with World’s coming up, he found himself tempted.  He turned to the instructor.  “If I do this, you need to know I have two major competitions that will cause me to be gone for several days.”

“I am aware.  Yuuri has informed me that you are a figure skater.  I’ve always worked around his competitions.  I have no problem working around yours.”

“I guess…I’m taking ballet,” he surrendered.  Yuuri looked up from the barre where he stretched and Victor spotted the smirk on his face.  _Damn, I’m lost.  He had to have known I was watching him._   Then he realized the significance of that trust, his eyes widening in response.  _Oh, Yuuri._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think we start to see Yuuri's struggle when he went out with Natalia. She makes a great big sister. She is a music and composition major and if you haven't figured it out, the one that composed "Yuri on Ice". She's an OC but I thought she needed a presence in Yuuri's life even if it was minor.
> 
> Also, next chapter, Yuuri back on ice!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri returns to ice...

* * *

 

Yuuri reached for his skate bag and noticed the tremble in his hands.  _What has my nerves on edge?  Victor will be there.  There shouldn’t be anyone else._  He took a steadying breath and flattened his hands against the bag’s surface.

He found Victor in the common space talking with Phichit.  “Yuuri!  Are you ready to go?”

Yuuri drew a deep breath and forced himself to nod, to commit.  Victor studied him before nodding sharply in reply.

“See you later, Phichit!”  Victor wrapped a steadying arm around Yuuri’s shoulder as he guided him out of the room, lending him his strength.  “Phichit made sure the rink will just be for the two of us.  So no one should interrupt us.”  Yuuri realized that was his hesitation.  He still was not ready to see his rinkmates.  He smiled gratefully.

They took the stairs and headed out in a slow jog taking a direct route to the rink.  He wanted to fulfill his promise for Victor and he had noticed the weaknesses in the step sequences during competition.  If Victor dominated during jumps, Yuuri was known as the queen of step sequences and spins. 

He smiled at the feminine attribution.  He had an androgynous physique and delicate mannerisms that sometimes led to the comparison.  It wasn’t an insinuation of weakness.  He knew the power of women in dance.  He admired them and longed for their grace.  Would Victor help him to find it?

They arrived at the rink and Yuuri took a steadying breath.  He felt Victor’s hand squeeze his.   Looking up to meet the other man’s eyes, he nodded.  They continued toward the door and Victor took the key he had been given to let them inside. 

Inside, Yuuri closed his eyes and smelled the clean scent of the ice.  The cold air held a different quality from that outside.  He opened his eyes and followed Victor inside. 

They moved into the dressing room and Yuuri immediately moved towards the back into a more private area.  Victor hesitated until Yuuri looked back in surprise.  Yuuri had certain rituals he used to steady his nerves.  One of those included a methodical approach to his dress.  He laid each item out in order.  There was a sharp control in the movements.    

As he dressed, he was very aware of Victor’s regard.  It should unnerve him.  However, knowing Victor was present provided reassurance…and something else.  He _liked_ Victor’s eyes on him.  That realization startled him and brought a blush up to his cheeks.  If Victor noticed that blush, he did not comment on it.

They moved out to the rink and tied on their skates.  Yuuri noticed that Victor watched the concise tugs and adjustments to the strings, the sharp movements securing the knot, the efficient tucks hiding the tails.  They stood and stepped towards the rink.  At the barrier, they removed the guards.  Yuuri closed his eyes as if gathering courage to step onto the ice the first time.  Then he felt hands in his and it was easy to follow their lead.

At first they made lazy circles as Yuuri regained the feel of the ice.  Then Yuuri let go of Victor’s hand and took off moving into a spin.  Then it happened.  Bubbling up from somewhere deep he laughed, genuinely laughed, as the joy of being on the ice overflowed and wrapped its arms around him like an old lover. 

Victor skated around him catching on his joy.  “This is where you belong, Yuuri.  I’ve missed seeing you on the ice.” 

Yuuri slowed to a stop and stared at him in surprise.

“What?  Did you not know I watched you?”

Yuuri shook his head no.

Victor laughed warmly.  “I noticed you about two years ago and watched you push slowly through the ranks.  I’ve been cheering for you when you succeeded and unconsciously reaching for you when you fell.  There is so much potential in your skating, Yuuri.”

He shook his head and reached for Victor, touching his chest emphatically.  Victor grasped Yuuri’s shoulders and dropped his forehead to the younger man’s forehead.  “Yuuri, _zolotse,_ you should be challenging me at that podium.  I would love to rework your programs for you.  Do you trust me?”

Victor knew those words affected him.  Yuuri’s lips parted, wanting to say the words.  They hung there on the tip of his tongue.  Finally, he dropped his head to Victor’s shoulder as he wrapped him in a hug, feeling Victor’s sharp intake of breath as his forehead cradled into the turn of his neck.  Victor’s arms tightened around him, his lips brushed the edges of his hair. 

Finally, drawing a ragged breath, they pushed away from one another.  “I think we are here to skate,” Victor stated huskily as he pulled his control back in line.  Yuuri nodded.  Soon, Victor ran through one of his flawed step sequences.  Yuuri studied the movements before skating forward to suggest adjustments with his own movements.  Bit by bit, they fine-tuned his sequences until Victor hummed with approval.  Yuuri nodded with satisfaction as well.

“Will you skate yours for me?”

Yuuri frowned nervously but nodded.  Pulling the music up on his phone, he handed it to Victor and slipped into position.  His short program came from _[A Promise](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DS7CmrS-OHQ)_ by Brian Crain.  Moving into position, he knew he had to downgrade the jumps.  Almost a month off skates would show.

He took his starting pose and nodded to Victor.  The first strains of the song sent him into motion and  Yuuri smiled, remembering.  The music wrapped around him as he created beautiful motion, painting a story of a lover reaching out to fulfill a promise that would hold them together in the end.  As he closed onto his final pose he slowly turned to see Victor’s eyes.

“It’s amazing how you create music with the way you move,” he stated breathlessly.  “I want to rebuild that program with you if you will allow me.”

Yuuri skated to Victor’s side and took his phone.

**_I withdrew from Nationals.  I don’t think the JSF want me._ **

“We shall see.  Regardless, do you not want to see what the program can become?”

Yuuri hesitated a moment before nodding.

“It’s been a long evening but tomorrow I’d like to see your long program…as you intended it.  Will you do that for me?”  Victor’s eyes held such hope that Yuuri knew he couldn’t deny him.  He nodded, taking the skate guards from Victor.

“Let’s go home,” Victor murmured from behind. 

A shiver stole up his body with the gentle press of the older man’s hand on the small of his back.  _How had we become so close in a matter of days?_ But really it began before he arrived.  Persistent text messages reaching out to him and not letting him go until finally he came around, until finally he reached back allowing him inside.  _I’m scared but it’s not the same as before.  I know I am safe with you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to figure out what Yuuri originally skated to in the beginning but it wasn’t coming together for me. So I picked something out.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The all knowing Phichit...

 

* * *

 

 

By the time they returned, Victor noticed that Yuuri’s exhaustion as the younger man leaned into his embrace while Victor unlocked the door.  “You’ve had a long day…but I think a good day.  Very busy, though.  So water, shower, and then bed.”  His command was tempered with a smile as he helped Yuuri navigate down the hall.  He grabbed a water bottle and slipped up behind him as Yuuri leaned against the wall.  “Drink.  All of it.  Tomorrow we will structure your time better.”  Yuuri nodded, taking the water bottle and disappearing through his door.  Victor stayed just beyond the door and listened until he heard the water running. 

Slipping in his room, he gathered his sleepwear and moved to follow his own advice.  The heat of the shower hit his tired muscles.  He reveled in the way it worked through his aches and pains.  Finally, he escaped the steam and began to towel off.  Dressed, he exited to the hallway and moved to tap on Yuuri’s door before opening it.  Yuuri rose up in bed and met his eyes.  He reached to the table and lifted the empty water bottle, shaking it to indicate empty.  Victor smiled warmly.  “Good night, then, Yuuri.  Text me or come to my room if you need me.”   The other nodded and snuggled down in his blankets, eyes closed before Victor left the room pulling the door closed behind him. 

He found Makka curled up on a dog bed that wasn’t in the common space before.  Phichit looked up from his phone.  “I hope you don’t mind but Makkachin and I have been spreading the love in the Instagram community.”

Victor laughed and responded, “Not at all.  How was your day?”

“It was good.  Busy getting back into the swing of classes.  I feel like I abandoned Yuuri, though.”

“Don’t stress about it.  You’ve had him in your care for the last month.  You needed a day off…so to speak.”

Phichit grinned.  “So to speak is right!  I am having to rework my schedule now that classes have started.  Running in the morning.  Classes in the mornings three days a week.  Afternoon on the other two.  Rink time goes opposite of those times.”

Victor nodded taking it in.  “I think Yuuri is doing his online courses while I’m out.  I’m…well, I’ve been made his dance partner for his studio ballet.”

Phichit chuckled.  “At least you have some time to spare.  So what’s the schedule look like for you?”

“Morning run.  Ice for three hours.  Two hour break for lunch.  Follow Yuuri to ballet studio for another two hours.  Back home for dinner and some down time.  Then back to the ice for a couple of hours in the evening after it’s cleared.  I’ll have Yuuri with me for the run, of course studio, and evening ice for now.  I want to see him on the ice more but he’s got to build up his stamina and fortitude.”

“You’ve already accomplished so much.  He’s out of the apartment dancing and skating!  I didn’t manage that in a month.”

Victor shook his head.  “I only provided an anchor.  He did those things.  Those are his accomplishments.”

“He wouldn’t have taken those steps without you," Phichit stated softly.  "He was locked down until you broke through his defenses.  Your persistence seems to hold you two close together.”

“I can’t abandon him.  Not when...” Victor drew a shaky breath.  Voicing it was hard.  “He reached out to me when it happened.  I couldn’t leave him.  Not like that.”

Phichit reached out a comforting hand.  “I can’t imagine what it was like to find him.  Have you talked to anyone?”

“Chris…but it’s like we dance around it.  No one calls it what it is.  They say he was “attacked” or the “incident” but never…”  He faded out finding himself unable to say the word.  Drawing a ragged breath, he whispered, “If we say it, it makes it real.  All I want to do is keep him safe.  I’d walk away from everything if that’s what it took.”

“Victor, I’m Yuuri’s friend but because you come to stand with him and support him, I’m also yours.  If you need to talk, I’ll listen.”

“Thank you.  I-I’ll keep that in mind.”

Phichit studied the man as he reached down to stroke Makka’s fur before speaking once more.  “How did today go?”

“We…kept busy.  My goal is to reestablish routine.  I read that was a necessary step in recovery.”

“Do you have other goals?”

“They are selfish,” he murmured.  “I-I want to hear him speak.  I want to watch him walk out that door without having to hold onto someone.  I want him to rejoin his rink mates.  I want to take away his nightmares.”

Phichit regarded him before speaking.  “I don’t think those are selfish.  If Yuuri could speak, I believe those would be his goals as well.”

Victor laughed oddly.  “Are you a psychology major?”

Phichit said nothing for a moment.  “It is something I considered but I’m more of an artist.  I’m a photography major with a minor in dance.  I have taken three Psych courses but nothing to provide any foundation.” 

“I am not so sure.  You’ve got me to talk about things I haven’t put a voice to in a matter of minutes.”

“Only because you needed to voice them.  I just gave them the opportunity.”

Victor nodded soberly.  “It’s the same with Yuuri.  He needed to break those barriers and move forward.  I’m just holding open the door and accompanying him along the journey for as long as he’ll have me.”

Phichit tightened his fist in his lap thoughtfully studying the man before him.  “You aren’t just here out of obligation.  You genuinely care for Yuuri.”

Victor nodded.

“Good.  Because once Yuuri lets someone in, he becomes very attached.”

Victor dropped his gaze to process the information Phichit gave him.  Looking up, he stated, “I think my day has caught up to me as well.  If you’ll forgive me, I’m going to have to call it a night.”

“Of course.  Oh, Ashley is on call in the morning.  She is a vet student and trains dogs for PTSD, anxiety, and other mental disorders.  She had been talking to Yuuri about an anxiety dog but he felt guilty about having Vicchan back home in Hasetsu.”

“I caught a glimpse of a picture of him and his dog on his nightstand.”

“On top of everything else, he’s holding a lot of guilt regarding Vicchan.  His dog passed away a week before Sochi.”

Victor’s eyes widened in surprise.  “I-I didn’t know.”

“There are a lot of things you don’t know.  But all you have to do is ask.  Either of us.  Have you thought about Skype?”

Victor raised his eyebrow.  “With Yuuri?”

“Yes.  It’s one way to possibly get more in depth in conversation.”

“I don’t know why I didn’t consider it.”

“Yuuri and I have had to get creative.  I’ll share anything else as I think of them.  Hopefully we won’t need them for long.”

Victor nodded sighing deeply.

“Go.  Sleep.  You tried to go to bed earlier.”

“Thank you.  Good night, Phichit.”

 

* * *

 

 

NOTES:

[Service dogs](http://usdogregistry.org/?gclid=Cj0KEQjw2LjGBRDYm9jj5JSxiJcBEiQAwKWAC00FC3fNJwCNM8ieJMaVfvj56_1zFLcPRHReUmvJAdwaAiC48P8HAQ) come in varying degrees.  Trainers are sometimes volunteers (like Ashley) and sometimes train for profit.  Most people know about dogs who work with disabilities but never realize that dogs are trained to help in matters such as PTSD (Service), anxiety or mental health (Emotional Support).  Volunteers are also certified trainers but they do not make money off the dog.  Even at that level, though, the dog can run around $1500 or more for expenses alone.  A profit organization charges even more.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor starts to crash.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some big things will be happening over the next three chapters and the next layer of the story has solidified in my thoughts. Keep sending comments and kudos! They keep me writing.

* * *

 

 

Victor arrived after morning practice to find the apartment full of dogs.  Well, three extra besides Makka.  Yuuri looked up as he came through the door.  He was spread out on the couch reading a textbook and making notes.  Victor peeked over his shoulder and noted that he was writing in Japanese, his notebook turned sideways as he worked in columns.  Yuuri lifted his chin and smiled.  Pulling out his phone, he tapped out a message.

**_Ashley had to leave to pick up a friend.  She left her dogs here.  She’ll be back soon._ **

“What are their names?”

He pointed to a dark brown poodle and tapped out “Cocoa”.  The golden retriever was named Lucy and the Australian shepherd was named Max.  Makka seemed pleased to have companions and Victor noted that Yuuri’s stress levels seemed at a minimum.

“Have you eaten?” Victor asked as he stood up from behind Yuuri.  Yuuri nodded, lifting a smoothie container.  “Let me take that while you continue studying.”  Victor hummed a song as he wandered into the kitchen and began preparing his meal.  He found it interesting how well he adapted to living with others.  He’d been on his own since sixteen. 

He rejoined Yuuri after cleaning up and adopted an amused expression when Makka came to sit at his feet.  A knock on the door startled him along with the sound of keys.

“Hey, Yuuri, I’m back.  Oh!”   The woman met his eyes with a pair of warm gold eyes.  She was striking with her dark skin and strong features.  “Hi, I’m Ashley.  Are you Makkachin’s owner?”

“Yes.  Thank you for keeping Yuuri company while I practiced.”

She waved it off.  “Yuuri and I are old friends.  I’ve known him longer than Phichit.  He’d come over and visit when he missed…”  She trailed off as Yuuri stiffened a little but Victor was able to fill in the blanks.  “I am a vet student because I love dogs and that has spilled over into my personal life as I train them for a volunteer organization.”

“Phichit told me your dogs are for PTSD and emotional support.  I did not know this existed.”

“Dogs naturally give comfort to their owners and are often in tune with their levels of distress.  With training, they learn to respond better to their owner’s needs.”

“Makka has supported me through a number of times when I struggled with depression.  In fact, my coach Yakov suggested I adopt a dog because I seemed, well, lost.”

“It’s a good move.  Is Makka a rescue?”

“Yes.  She was only a year old when I got her, though.  Her previous owner had passed away and the relatives didn’t want her.”

“I’m glad she found a good forever home.”

“Thank you.  She’s very much loved.  I have no other family.”

“Oh, then I’m equally glad you found each other.  I understand that you know Yuuri through skating.”

“Yes.”  Victor rested his eyes on Yuuri uncertain how to express their relationship.  More than friends.  Not quite lovers.  Yuuri lifted his eyes to meet his and smiled warmly.  Then Victor’s phone buzzed.

**_Y/  She’s checking to see if you are single._ **

Victor looked up and saw the amused expression in his eyes.  However, he took the hint and continued with a safe route.  “My last boyfriend preferred cats.  When we realized his cat couldn’t live with my dog, it pretty much decided matters.”

“Oh!  You’re gay!”

“Of course.  Didn’t you know?”  He glanced at Yuuri with a mock look of accusation and watched the other man shake with suppressed laughter.

She looked from one to another and then her eyes narrowed at Yuuri.  Grabbing a pillow, she tossed it at him.  “You knew!”

He laughed outright and tapped in his phone.  Victor’s phone buzzed.

**_Y/  She is the one that set me up on a date with a friend.  It turned out to be Natalia.  Nattie picked up right away that I was gay but decided to become friends instead._ **

He turned the phone and showed the message to Ashley.

She groaned.  “This is why I’ll be forever alone!”

Victor laughed.  “I’m sure that’s an overstatement.  You are quite striking.”

“Thank you.  You don’t happen to have any straight friends, do you?”

“Well, I’ve only been here a few days.  Give me another week,” he suggested with a wink. 

She laughed.  “You’re alright.  Why don’t you help me round up my critters and walk me to my apartment?  That way you know where I live in case you need me.”

Victor stood and grabbed a leash.  “I suppose it would be a good time to take Makka out before we hit the studio.”  Turning to Yuuri, he added, “I’ll be back soon then we can go dance.”

Yuuri nodded, dramatically throwing his textbook over his head to indicate he was ready for a study break.

He headed out with Makka and one other dog on leash.  Ashley turned and stated, “I’m just downstairs.”

As they descended, he asked her pointedly, “What do you want to talk about?”

“I just wanted to say…well, Yuuri never goes out with anyone.  He’s rather innocent.  I didn’t know if you knew this.”

“So my regard is obvious.”

“Well, after I realized that you weren’t straight then I picked up on the glances you’d send his way…and the ones he returned.”

“His…regard is obvious,” he stated it as a fact but he still felt himself processing the information.

“Well, with Yuuri, you’d have to know him pretty well.  He’s shy, you know.”

“I’m not going to rush into anything with Yuuri.  In fact, I’d prefer he’d set the pace.”

“Well, I hope you are ready for a slow ride.”

Victor grinned, remembering the banquet.  What his friends didn’t know!

That thought quickly sobered, though, as images of the next scene invaded.  He hated the rape but he also hated that it stole something precious.  A memory, now tainted.

He didn’t realize he had paled until he noticed they stopped at the door and Ashley was regarding him with concern.  “Did I upset you?”

He shook his head.  “No.  It’s just…I was there that night.  And sometimes…the images catch me off guard.”

She drew in a breath and her mouth opened in concern.  “I didn’t realize!  I’m so sorry, Victor!”

“I can deal with it.  I just…need to help Yuuri through it.”

“Well, he seems to appreciate that you are here.  Don’t quit fighting for him.  He’s a good man and the best of friends.”

“I won’t.  Thank you.”  He watched Ashley shuffle her dogs inside and continued down the stairs to walk Makka.  He found a bench to process the shock of the images coming on suddenly and didn’t realize how long he’d been gone until his phone buzzed.

**_Y/  Are you okay?_ **

**_V/  Sorry.  I’ll be up in a minute._ **

**_Y/  That’s fine.  It’s just that I can see you from the window.  Are you okay?_ **

_Am I?  Do I have the right to be not okay?  And how can I burden him with it?_

**_V/  I just became distracted._ **

_Not quite a lie but not the truth either._   He sighed.  _I need to get my thoughts under control._


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Major decisions and deep discussions.

* * *

 

 

It took three days for Celestino to find them on the ice.  He watched from the barrier as Victor coached Yuuri through another jump.  “Good evening,” he called out a greeting.  They both took a break and skated to the barrier.

“Evening,” Victor responded accepting the water bottle.  Yuuri took the other and reached for his phone from Victor’s hand.

“I heard you were back on the ice, Yuuri.  I’m glad to see it.”

Yuuri nodded in response watching his coach uncertainly.

“I’ve been contacted by the JSF.  They want you for 4CC and Worlds if you are interested.”

Yuuri’s eyes widened and he hastily tapped out a message.

**_Why me?  I didn’t compete in Nationals.  I pulled out._ **

“You are still their best shot at winning and they know it.  No one else advanced as far as you did in the Grand Prix.”

**_Where I promptly failed._ **

“You and I know there were extenuating circumstances.  And making it to the finals is not a failure.”

**_I don’t know if I’m ready._ **

Yuuri shifted his eyes from Victor to Celestino and chewed his lip.

“I can get you ready,” Victor stated. 

“And I’ll work with you as well.  If we need to book private skating time, so be it.”

**_I won’t be alone at 4CC._ **

“That is true.  And that’s why it is your call.”

**_How long do I have to decide?_ **

“I need to let them know by tomorrow.”

**_I’ll text you with my decision in the morning._ **

 

* * *

 

 

Victor studied Yuuri after Celestino departed.  “What do you want to do?” he finally asked.

Yuuri met his eyes and blinked back tears of frustration.

**_I want to be me again!  I want this to stop having a hold over me!  I want to be normal!_ **

**_Well, normal for me._ **

Victor wrapped him up in his arms and felt the body shake as he let it out.  Finally, he pushed back.  Handing back his phone, Victor watched Yuuri turn and push off onto the ice.  He watched mesmerized over the next hour as Yuuri lost himself on the ice as he worked through whatever was in his head.  He remained transfixed, both captivated by the beauty of Yuuri’s solitude and worried that his coach was pushing him too hard.  Yet, he remembered when Yuuri forced himself to skate that first night.  Yuuri is fighting the only way he knows how.  Like hell will Victor let him fight alone.

Finally, Yuuri returned to the side of the rink and met his eyes.  Victor handed him a water bottle.  “Better?”

Yuuri nodded. He studied the older man a moment before moving in and wrapping him in a hug.  Victor quickly returned it, pressing his cheek against Yuuri’s head.

Taking his phone from Victor, he tapped.

**_I still haven’t decided but I’m ready to go home now.  Thank you for waiting for me._ **

“I won’t leave your side, Yuuri,” he breathed out in response.  “I need to be here.”

Yuuri looked down, studying Victor’s skates.

**_Why?_ **

Victor drew a ragged breath.  “There are a thousand reasons.  Let’s change and walk home.”

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri walked with his head down.  _What if Victor is only here because I guilted him into being with me?  He isn’t talking.  Maybe he knows what he has to say will upset me._

“Yuuri,” Victor murmured as if sensing his stress.  “I’m struggling with my words because the idea is too big to capture.  Please be patient.”

Yuuri stopped and looked up.  Then he saw the tears threatening to spill over reflected by the streetlamps.  _I didn’t want to make you cry, Victor._   He stamped his foot in frustration.  _I want to talk!_

Pulling out his phone, he reiterated his frustration.

**_I want to talk!  I need to use my voice!_ **

Victor read the words and paused, processing their meaning.  “Phichit made a suggestion the other night.  Skype.  Are you willing to try it?”

Yuuri considered it then nodded.  They turned to continue walking home.  He felt a hand in his and looked down to see Victor’s fingers threading into his _.  I want this.  I want you…but I’m afraid._   He didn’t pull away, however.  They walked in silence.

 

* * *

 

 

**Katsudon4evr:  I don’t know if this is any different for me.**

**Makka.Daddy:  I need this.  I’m struggling with my words.  I don’t want to say the wrong thing.**

**Katsudon4evr:  Just be honest.**

**Makka.Daddy:  …**

**Makka.Daddy:  I’ve already lied to you.**

**Katsudon4evr:  When?**

**Makka.Daddy:  When I escorted Ashley back.  You saw me out the window.  You asked if I was okay.**

**Makka.Daddy:  I’m not okay.**

**Katsudon4evr:  I know.  I just…do you regret coming here?**

**Makka.Daddy:  No!  Never!  I want to be here.  That’s not it.**

**Katsudon4evr:  What is it?**

**Makka.Daddy:  I sometimes have nightmares, too.  And sometimes the memories hit me in the middle of the day without warning.**

**Katsudon4evr:  …**

**Katsudon4evr:  This is my fault.**

**Makka.Daddy:  NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT!  None of it!**

**Katsudon4evr:  If I hadn’t called you…**

**Makka.Daddy:  I…**

**Makka.Daddy:  I want to be the one you call when the world falls apart.  I want to be the one you turn to when something wrong.  Big or small.  But it will affect me.  I care too much.**

**Katsudon4evr:  I would not have asked you to come here…but I’m glad you came.**

**Makka.Daddy:  I wish the circumstances were different.  I wish your voice wasn’t stolen from you.  But that’s not the case.  And I wouldn’t be any other place but here.**

**Katsudon4evr:  …**

 

* * *

 

 

Victor looked up at the sound of footsteps and then Yuuri launched across his bed into his arms.  “My Yuuri,” he whispered carding his fingers through Yuuri’s hair.

Yuuri pulled his phone out.

**_I want to skate.  They took enough from me.  I don’t want to give them anything else._ **

Victor smiled and nodded.  “Then I’ll help you get ready.  Whatever you need.”

**_Will you walk with me to morning practice?  I need to do this._ **

“Of course.  And Phichit will be there tomorrow.  We both can walk with you.”

Yuuri nodded then crawled back into his arms.  Victor held onto him his chest full.

It didn’t take long before tension started to build in Yuuri's shoulders.  He pulled back and tapped once more.

**_I can’t stay in here._ **

“I understand.  I don’t want to rush you.”

Yuuri shook his head placing his fingers over Victor's lips to shush him.

**_No, this room.  Will you come to my room?  I feel calmer there._ **

“Of course,” Victor responded, closing the laptop screen, grabbing his phone and crawling across the bed until he found the floor.  Yuuri could lead him anywhere and he’d follow.

Yuuri didn’t turn on the light.  They exited his room and entered the other's room.  He watched the brunette crawl across the bed and close his own computer, setting it to the side.  Connecting his phone to charge, he reached for Victor motioning with his hands for the older man to join him. 

Victor slid into the other man’s embrace, resting on his heart.  For now, this was more than enough.  This was a dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spring break is officially over. I finished these last night and one more. I'll post the other later because I want to read over it first.
> 
> Enjoy.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First day back to regular sessions...and it's quite a day.

 

* * *

 

 

They forgot the alarm but Makka found them and tugged them from their sleep with kisses.   Victor stretched and realized he hadn’t dreamed it.  Yuuri’s fingers played with his hair lazily.  “Good morning,” he murmured.  Yuuri smiled in response, soft and tender, before pressing a kiss to his forehead.  _Damn, I could die today a happy man._   Reluctantly, though, he pushed up to heed the demands of Makka. 

“I’ll be back soon.”  Phone in hand, he left the room to seek out a leash and bumped into Phichit leaning against the kitchen counter.

“Well, this is an interesting development,” he commented, licking yogurt off of a spoon.

Victor wrinkled his forehead and offered a guilty grin.  “I have a dog to walk but need to talk to you when I get back.”

“Okay, see you soon.”

Victor returned a quarter hour later to find Phichit in the middle of Yuuri’s bed giggling.  He leaned against the door facing and watched them both fondly.  “Hi, Victor,” Phichit greeted with a wink.  Victor felt color rise up in his cheeks and noticed the same could be said for Yuuri.

“Hello, again, Phichit.  What are you up to?”

“Watching YouTube videos with Yuuri until you got back,” he replied, batting his eyes innocently.

Victor snorted in disbelief.  “Well, I’m glad you stayed.  Yuuri has a big day ahead and he is going to need both of us at his side for the morning.”

“I’ll have to contact Celestino about missing practice,” he responded soberly.  “He won’t be happy.”

“Not necessary.  Yuuri…is going with us.”

Phichit’s eyes widened.  “What?  Truly?”

Yuuri nodded in confirmation. 

Phichit considered the time before responding.  “We should do the short trail and end up at the rink.  Half an hour tops if we run.”

“You two will have to lead the way.  Ready in ten minutes,” Victor responded.  They each disappeared to their respective bathrooms.

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri stood between Phichit and Victor on the steps to the rink.  It was one thing to go at night where he could be alone with Victor.  It was another entirely to go during the daytime.  Where there were other people.  And Craig.  He stiffened and felt his stomach turn.  Two hands rested on his back both rubbing slow calming circles.  “Breathe,” Phichit reminded him.  Yuuri to a sharp intake of breath and nodded. 

They stepped forward and opened the door for him.  Taking several breaths, he plunged inside. 

Several cries of “Yuuri!” greeted him and he forced himself to smile in reply.  No sign of Craig.  Good.  For now.  Celestino came out of his office and his eyes widened at the sight. 

“I thought you were going to text me.”

Yuuri tapped into his phone.

**_I needed to do this in person.  I’ll skate the 4CC for JSF._ **

Celestino’s eyes lit up.  “That’s the best news.  I’ll contact them immediately.”

Yuuri nodded then followed Victor and Phichit to the dressing room to change.  Victor accompanied him to the back and waved Phichit to follow as well.  His breathing was labored.  Phichit went right into the action.  “Breathe in slowly.  Count three.  Now exhale.”  He continued to guide him through it until he felt steady once more.  He raised his eyes to Victor and the older man could see the fear within them.

“We are both here for you, Yuuri.  Just stay close to us and you won’t have to go anywhere alone.”

Yuuri nodded.  He began to lay his clothes out.  The others quickly dressed then Phichit engaged Victor in conversation while Yuuri finished the task.  He then took each of their hands and squeezed them to tell them he was ready.

The rink was crowded as they ran through the warm up laps.  He found himself settling into the rhythm when Celestino called him to the side.  He slipped away from the crowd and went to his coach.

“I need you to sign some papers so that I can fax them.” 

Yuuri nodded grabbing the skate guards and following Celestino back to his office.  It took all of five minutes to complete the task.  Celestino busied himself on sending the paperwork while talking to someone on the phone.  Yuuri shifted awkwardly then turned and left the office.

“I knew you’d come back eventually,” a familiar voice greeted him as he exited the office.  Yuuri froze as a cold chill went down his spine.  He turned slowly and his eyes fell on Craig who effectively cut him off from the rink and had quickly advanced to cut him off from the office.  Yuuri’s eyes widened in panic.  He broke and ran.

The underside of the rink could be the worst or best place to retreat.  There were several hiding places but the space was empty.  Yuuri moved through the maze but could hear Craig behind him, slowly cornering him as his panic rose.  There was another exit on the other side if he could just break through.

The door.  He rushed it and pushed through but Craig had his arm and soon twisted it behind him.  “I knew you liked things rough but I didn’t know you liked the chase.  Well, I’m happy to appease all of your kinks,” he leered.

Yuuri struggled to break free of the iron grip.  _I need help!  How?  I couldn’t scream!  I couldn’t scream!_   His mouth was working through these thoughts when a sound released with the tightening of Craig’s grip.  “Victor,” escaped as barely a whisper. 

Craig laughed.  “After all this time, that’s all you have?”

“Victor!” he called out a little louder.  Craig’s expression darkened and he leaned in, raising a hand to cover his mouth.  It was now or never.  Yuuri opened up and screamed, “Victor!  Help me!”

 

* * *

 

 

The sound would have been missed if the skaters hadn’t just taken a break.  Victor pulled on his skate guards.  “Isn’t that Celestino over there?”

Phichit turned and nodded.  “Where’s Yuuri?”

Then they heard it.  It was a scream that ripped through the building followed by Victor’s name.  He paled and turned in the direction of the scream.  Phichit grabbed his arm, knowing the building, and others fell in behind.

They rounded the corner to the backside of the bleachers and Phichit pointed out the door.  Victor jerked it open and he heard voices within.

“I’m surprised you aren’t crying by now…like on the bathroom floor that day.  I like you like that you know.  Tears falling while I pull you apart.”

Victor roared, pent up rage releasing as he lunged towards the man threatening his Yuuri.  “Get your hands off of him!”

Craig’s eyes widened in surprise.  He didn’t realize Yuuri had been heard.  Victor had him by the shirt, his fist drawn back when someone placed his hand on Victor’s back.  “No, Victor.  Don’t let them take anything else from you.”

 _Yuuri.  My Yuuri._   Victor released the other man but made sure others secure him.  He turned, tears edging his eyes as he pulled Yuuri into his embrace.  “Yuuri, my god.  Are you okay?”  Yuuri nodded.  “You spoke.  You said my name.  You called to me.”

“And you came…like I knew you would.”

“Always.  Even if I have to fight the devil himself, I’d get to you.”  Victor held him close.

 

* * *

 

 

The police were called and soon Craig was under arrest.  Yuuri learned that the story Craig provided was that Yuuri panicked when Craig entered his room to check on him and hid in the bathroom.  Yuuri told the rest of the story with the police present allowing them to charge Craig with two counts of attempted assault. 

“Take me home, Victor,” he finally whispered once the police left.

“Whatever you need, _lyubov moya_ ,” Victor murmured, guiding him through the chaos. 

They went straight back to Yuuri’s room and snuggled into his bed. 

“You were always there for me,” Yuuri whispered as he lay in his arms.

“I wish I could have stopped it from happening the first time.”

“I couldn’t scream, Victor.  Whatever they gave me shut me down.  I couldn’t move or scream.  I couldn’t scream and that held on and I became frozen.  But you came when I called the only way I knew how.”

“I will always come when you call me, Yuuri.”

“They called it attempted assault.  Why did they call it that?  He tried to rape me.”

“We can go tomorrow and see if they can modify the charges if that’s what you want.”

“The officer suggested I get a restraining order just in this case.  I don’t know if that will do any good but I think I should do that at least.”

“Celestino has him banned from the rink and no skater will let him in.”

“What if he has a key?  We all have keys!”  Victor could feel the panic rising in his breathing.

“Calm down.  Breathe in.  One, two, three.  Breathe out.  I’ll text your concern to Celestino and see if we can get the locks changed.”

“Phichit had the locks changed here when he found me locked in the bathroom.  It helped but I still had to move out of that room.  That was my room until that happened.  Your bathroom is where I was located when you called that day.”

“I’m glad you were able to get away,” Victor whispered.  He brushed a kiss on Yuuri’s forehead.  Yuuri was safe in his arms now and he wondered if he’d ever be able to let him go. 

“I’m glad you reached out to me,” he murmured, burying his face into Victor’s chest for a moment before adding, “Every time.  You…grounded me.  I know it took time for me to start responding but I held onto you like a lifeline.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am imagining around six more chapters to this part of the story.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katusdon and relationship status...and voyeuristic friends.

* * *

 

Standing outside with Makka, he looked up to see Ashley approach with three dogs in tow.  “Good evening!”

She smiled and nodded, drawing up close.  “So, Craig, huh?  Yuuri never felt comfortable around him.  I always thought he was an ass.”

“In the worst way.  For now, he’s in jail and Yuuri is safe.  We are going tomorrow to see about a restraining order.”

“Good,” she stated as she studied the grass.  “How is he?”

Victor looked up at the window to the apartment and could see a ghost of a figure watching him.  “He’s holding on.  He spoke, Ashley.  I hate the way it came about but he spoke.”

“I know.  Phichit told me.”

Turning the topic, Victor asked, “What does it take to get an anxiety dog?”

She regarded him for a few moments before answering, “That’s what I’m training Cocoa for…I had hoped she would be a good match for Yuuri when I found her.”

“Makka is gaining in years or I’d see how to train her.  Perhaps it is time for another.”

“She is a $2200 dog going through volunteers,” Ashley stated quietly. 

Victor raised an eyebrow.  “I’ve dropped $8k on a suit.  Do you think I’d hesitate on a dog?”

Ashley’s eyes went wide.  “So much?”

“Easily.  So it’s not a matter of money.  What else do I need to know?”

“I would say Yuuri needs to work with me so that we train the master to command the dog but Yuuri’s worked with my dogs for the last three years.  He knows my commands and training style.  Really, it’s just a matter of him accepting her.  Do you think it’s too soon?”

“I don’t know.  But if it will help him, I’d like to try it.”

“Talk it over with Yuuri first.  Then, if he agrees, Cocoa is pretty much ready and his.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re most welcome, Victor,” she responded, her smile indulgent.

 

* * *

 

 

Victor reentered the apartment and found Yuuri stretched out in a split, textbook and notebook before him.  Victor always wondered how he made time to study and make himself competition ready.  The sight was beautiful with Yuuri tugging at his lower lip in concentration.  Yuuri looked up as he entered and a soft smile touched his lips.  “Phichit is bringing home supper.  I didn’t know if we planned to stay in, skate, or dance.”

 _We_.  Such a beautiful sound.  A single word slotting their lives together.  “I thought I’d let you decide.  It’s been…an interesting day.”

Yuuri sighed in acknowledgment.  “That’s an understatement.  I…am thinking about my senior recital.  I need to select the music.”

Victor dropped down into a split facing Yuuri, stretching to one side.  “I have an idea…if you are open to it.”

“What do you have in mind?”

“ _[Duetto](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7iRgVOUipXU)_.  It’s _Aria_ but as a couple.  I think…it will represent us.”

Yuuri listened intently to his suggestion before whispering, “Perfect.”

“Let me plug my phone into the speakers so we can hear it.”

The music wrapped around them and he could see Yuuri with a pad and pencil out scribbling through some notes.

“Again, please.”

Three more passes, and he shared what he had in mind.  Victor studied the notes before meeting his eyes with challenge.  “Ambitious but I like it.”

“It is as ambitious as putting together a short program and making it performance ready in a month.”

“Yes, but…we can steal from the skate and then reinterpret it as a dance.”

“You don’t mind?”

“It’s a reinterpretation of my choreography but definitely has your signature on it, Yuuri.  It’s…like an answer to a love letter.”

Yuuri smiled warmly, his eyes crinkly with sparks of excitement as he drew his knees up before him and ran his hands down his calves.  “I can’t wait to get started.”

“Then we go tonight.”

Yuuri nodded.  “If Phichit is free, we can drag him along to spot the lifts.”

 

* * *

 

 

Half an hour later and Phichit arrived with supper.  “Oh, my word!  Is that katsudon?”  Yuuri looked greedily at the food that Phichit laid out on the counter.

“Of course.  You celebrate your wins with katsudon.  You’ve got your words back.  I can’t think of a better win than that.”

“I agree,” echoed Victor.

“I’m going to indulge you both in this…because it smells wonderful and I think my soul needs this.”

There was a particular pleasure in watching Yuuri enjoy a dish such as this.  He lifted the chopsticks with a mixture of ingredients and an expression of divine expectation.  Opening his mouth, he greeted the bite with his tongue peeking out to eagerly take in the taste.  He closed his eyes as he chewed, focusing on the blend of flavors as they build in his mouth.  Then he swallowed and Victor knew he watched that bite descend down his neck as his chin lifted to elongate the line. 

Victor dropped his chopsticks.  Yuuri’s eyes snapped open to catch a red faced Victor recovering and a very amused Phichit.

“I don’t think I’ll ever grow tired of watching you two,” Phichit giggled.

Victor studied his bowl and gathered a bite.  As he tasted the flavor combination he can see its appeal to Yuuri.  “Vkusno!”  He looked up and met Yuuri’s eyes. 

“It’s good but my mom’s will always be better,” Yuuri conceded.  “It took me two years to find the place that makes this and I introduced Phichit when we became roommates.”

“I hope one day to try it,” Victor stated, holding Yuuri’s eyes with full meaning.

Phichit tilted his head thoughtfully as he studied the two lovers.  “I need a subject for my photography class.  I think I’ve found it.  Would you both mind letting me photograph you?”

“Us?” they both echoed, then met each other's eyes before giggling.  “Why us?” Yuuri continued.

“You are both so…expressive.  I’ll let you approve anything that I use.”

Yuuri met Victor’s eyes and shrugged.  Victor nodded and added, “I’m fine with it, Phichit, but I’ll defer to Yuuri’s judgement for approval of anything involving him.  He is far more private than I.”

“Thank you, Victor,” Yuuri responded.  He turned to Phichit and nodded.  “I get copies.”

“Me, too,” echoed Victor.

Phichit grinned and nodded.  “Of course.  So what do you have planned this evening?”

“We were planning to go to the ballet studio to work on my recital piece.  Do you want to come?  We could use a spotter for lifts.”

Phichit’s eyes widened excitedly.  “Can I bring my camera?”

Victor laughed, “If you want but I make no promises of graceful elegance.  We are figuring this out.”

Phichit ran off to excitedly pack his camera equipment.

“I wonder why he picked us,” Yuuri mused.

“Because you’re beautiful,” Victor murmured.  Yuuri blushed and shook his head in denial.  “No, you aren’t allowed to refuse compliments from your bo…”  Victor trailed off as Yuuri’s eyes met his.  “I guess we haven’t talked about this.”

“No, we haven’t,” Yuuri whispered, nervous fingers lacing and unlacing. 

“Can I…do you mind if I…”  Victor trailed off uncertainly and Yuuri’s eyebrows rose as he watched Victor chew his lower lip. 

Yuuri reached out a hand and took his, tightening and sliding down his fingers until Victor raised his chin and looked in his eyes.  “I would be honored to be called your boyfriend,” he murmured.  Victor gasped and pulled Yuuri in an embrace, peppering his cheeks and forehead with kisses.

Phichit walked in and raised an eyebrow.  “Did I miss something?”

Victor turned excitedly and stated, “Yuuri has agreed to be my boyfriend!”

Phichit smirked.  “As if there were any doubt.”

 

* * *

 

 

They walked across campus in companionable silence, Phichit on one side of Yuuri snapping a picture from time to time, Victor on the other, his fingers mingled with Yuuri’s.  The long shadows faded into lamplight as they drew near the dance studio as twilight faded into evening.  “I love this time of day,” breathed Yuuri.  Victor squeezed his hand in reply and Yuuri looked up to see his gaze upon him.

Energy saving low lights greeted them as they entered the building.  Yuuri and Victor turned down the familiar hall that would take them to the practice studio.  Phichit fell in behind considering the light.  “We may want to do this during the day.”

“True.  The second floor studios have those huge windows that let in natural light,” Yuuri suggested.

“Beautiful.  I may take some set up shots to get an idea of the field and light.”

“We normally come in the afternoon,” reminded Victor.   He reached for the door as Yuuri ran his student ID through the scanner.

“I’ll have to rent studio time after this term,” Yuuri mused quietly as he stepped into the expanse. 

Victor stepped in behind him and wrapped his arm around his waist.  Yuuri felt his warm breath tickle the hair near his ear.  “Do you want to stay in Detroit after you graduate?”

“No,” he stated with certainty but that response took him by surprise.  “I don’t know where I want to be but not Detroit.”

“Russia?  I have pull with a certain Russian coach.”

Yuuri turned to look at Victor in horror.  “Although I appreciate how he handled…what happened…he terrifies me.”

Victor chuckled warmly and Yuuri was surprised to find teeth playfully nibbling his ear.  He yelped in surprise and then heard Phichit smirk from his position across the room.

“Japan, perhaps.  I’m sure you miss your family.”

Yuuri’s eyes stared off distantly and a soft yearning whine slipped from his throat.  “I do miss them…I miss them so much, Victor,” he whispered, the admission almost catching him by surprise.

“Vitya,” Victor responded softly.

“What?”

“Vitya…it’s a nickname used by those closest to me.  You are my boyfriend.  I want you to use it, my Yuuri,” he punctuated the request with a kiss that trailed from Yuuri’s ear to the nape of his neck.  Yuuri’s body felt heavy as he succumbed to Victor’s slow seduction.  “Say it for me, please,” he whispered.

“Vitya…”

Victor’s arms tightened around him and he heard a soft groan of pleasure.

A clearing of a throat brought them back to present.  “Not that I mind,” Phichit stated, his voyeuristic heart quite content, “but I believe you wished to do some dancing tonight.”

Victor chuckled softly in response as he released Yuuri slowly, steadying him with his hand.  “Let’s go get dressed.”

“If you take too long, I will walk in with camera in hand,” Phichit called after them.

Yuuri twisted to look at Victor with raised eyebrows.  “He would, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this isn't getting too fluffy. I don't like angst without plenty of cushion to soften the blows.
> 
> It may take more than five chapters. I'm not sure anymore. I hope you are still enjoying the story.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pictures bring up talk about an old boyfriend.

* * *

 

 

Yuuri laid out the contents of his dance bag. 

“Are those pointe shoes?” Victor asked.

Yuuri blushed and nodded. 

“Can you go up on pointe?”

“Y-yes.  Last time I went up was before the Grand Prix Final.  I’d have to work at it.”

Victor picked up the point shoes and studied them, sliding his long fingers down to feel the box, wadding from the previous wearing still in place.  “You’ve had these for a while.”

“Once you break them and rebuild them, you don’t want to go through it again.  I reworked them at least three times to get them right.”

Victor met his eyes.  “I’d love to see you on pointe sometime.  I’d love to support you on pointe.”

Yuuri dropped his eyes with a flutter of lashes, a dusting of pink spreading across his cheeks.  “Perhaps.  It’s not required for this program, though.  I haven’t choreographed any pointe work into it.”

“I don’t blame you since it is your final grade.”

“Exactly.”

“You carry them with you, though.”

“It was a demonstration for a younger classmate," he responded averting his eyes.  "I don’t usually go up on pointe when I’m in the main skating season.  It would be reckless.”

Victor returned the pointe shoes to Yuuri who carefully returned them to his bag.  He focused on getting ready when he felt eyes on him again.  This time he looked up and caught Victor’s eyes on him.  Victor held them a moment, before dropping his eyes.  Pink spread over his face, evident against his pale skin.

Yuuri reached for his dance shoes and slid them in place.  Stepping towards Victor, he felt the older man’s hand trace down his backbone and rest on the curve of his back.  “Ready?” he asked.

Victor nodded, not trusting his voice. 

They reentered the studio.  Phichit looked up from the chair with his camera in hand.  “I see you finally decided to dance.  Did you know there was a pole class next door?”

Yuuri laughed.  “I took two semesters of that class if you recall.”

“So that’s where you gained your skills,” Victor observed.

“I would take ballet each semester and then another dance class,” Yuuri explained.  “I have taken hip hop, swing, ballroom, a few jazz…it almost became my secondary focus, and pole.”

“If you can get him to a club, he’s usually a hit on the dance floor,” Phichit added.

Yuuri laughed.  “After a few drinks, perhaps.”

“You don’t require a drink to perform on the ice,” Victor observed.

“It’s not the performance so much as the crush of people.  Most of my anxiety is social although the diagnosis is generalized and social anxiety disorder.”

“Do you take medication?” Victor inquired.

Yuuri shook his head.  “I have the prescriptions but they affect my ability to skate.  I prefer to use other methods.”

“Such as the breathing exercises when panic starts to rise up,” Phichit supplied.

“And sometimes I just need someone to talk me through it.”  Yuuri moved over to the sound system and found the phone jack.  He looked for the music file Victor transferred to him earlier and lined it up.  “Phichit, it is ready.  I’ll let you run the sound.  Let’s step it out first, Victor.”

For the first half hour they worked through the choreography.  Phichit took several test shots including pictures of them sitting back to back during their first break drinking water and talking.  The second break, Yuuri dropped into the break between Victor’s legs and rested in his embrace.

“I know I live with you both and there is an implied intimacy between the two of you but I catch that connection better here,” Phichit observed as he showed them some of the shots he captured on his camera.

“You should see us on the ice when nobody is around,” Victor suggested.

“Would you mind?”

“Not at all,” Victor replied, his response echoed by Yuuri’s nod.

They ran through the choreography two more times with music before calling it a night.

 

* * *

 

Yuuri disappeared down the hall to shower while Victor took Makka out for a walk.  Phichit settled down to pull the pictures off his camera.  Loading up Photoshop, he began the editing process of some of his favorite shots.  He looked up as Victor returned.  Makka took off down the hall to find Yuuri and he heard Yuuri coo and giggle as he greeted her.  Victor hesitated then asked if he could see the pictures he’s working on.  Phichit nodded, inviting him to sit next to him. 

Victor studied the shots and Phichit often regarded him with surprise.  “You’ve got a good eye,” he observed. 

“I dated an artist for about a year and we still work together.  Also, I’ve been involved in a number of photo shoots.”

“I’ve seen some of those pictures.  I would like to capture the real Victor, though.”

“I’d like that as well.  It’s…taken Yuuri to find him again,” Victor whispered.  He pulled out his phone and showed some of the shots of him at the rink in Russia.  “These are before the Final.”  Phichit could see a forlorn sadness in them although most were covered by a practiced smile.  “These are at the banquet.” 

Phichit scrolled through them, his eyes widening.  “Oh, my god!  Look at Yuuri!  Has he seen these?”

“I…don’t know, now that you mention it.  After…you know, I try to avoid talking about the banquet.  It makes me sad, though, because this part was one of the best nights of my life.  The best…and the worst.”

Phichit nodded soberly.  “I can see that.  Someone had your phone?”

“No.  Chris sent those of Yuuri and me together.”

“I see the difference in your smile.”

Victor took his phone back and scrolled through some more before handing it back to Phichit.  “These were taken by Sasha, my ex.  We are still good friends.  He would often house sit and dog sit for me when I was gone.”

Phichit’s eyes widened.  “When were these taken?”

“After the banquet.”

“You…wow.  The emotions are raw.”

“I couldn’t hide what I was feeling too well at first.”  Victor drew his knees up and rested his face against them.  “The nightmares were too strong and Yuuri wouldn’t reply.  I didn’t know what to do.  I didn’t know if I was reaching him.  Sasha asked if he could take some photos for a commissioned series I have him working on.  Keep scrolling.  You’ll find where it changes.  That’s after you talked to me.  Then later, after the FaceTime call.”

Phichit pinched his lower lip as he studied them.  “I love this contemplative shot.”

“That’s the one he is using.”

“I could mirror that one…with Yuuri.”

Victor’s eyes widened.  “Would you?”

“Yes.  We need to do it on the ice.  Then perhaps try to get some shots of the two of you together.  If there is something you like, I wouldn’t be opposed to you sharing with your artist friend.”

Victor tilted his head.  “Would you mind if I introduce you?  Then he can tell you exactly what he needs.”

“I’d be happy to meet him but when?”

“Next time he skypes, I’ll grab you and make the connection.”

“He skypes you?”

“Yes, why?”

“Does Yuuri know?”

“He’s just a friend,” Victor stated.  “He has a boyfriend.”

“He’s an ex-boyfriend…living in your old apartment.”

Victor’s eyes widened.  “That does sound bad,” he admitted.

“I don’t mind meeting him…after Yuuri.”

Victor nodded taking his phone back.  “Thank you.”  He stared at his phone and Phichit could tell he was overthinking.  “I don’t know how to tell him.”

“Well, you can just tell him.  It might make him uncomfortable until you make it clear.  But don’t let it be this unspoken thing between you.”

Victor nodded slowly still lost in his thoughts.  Glancing towards Phichit, he pushed up and stated he was going to bed.  Phichit watched him slump down the hall.

 

* * *

 

 

Victor hesitated at his door and turned to look at Yuuri’s door.  _A shower.  That will clear my head._   He slipped into his room and gathered a change of clothes before walking across the hall. 

Fifteen minutes later, he knocked lightly on Yuuri’s door before opening it.  Yuuri looked up from his phone and waved him on into his room.  He was propped up on a couple of pillows, his knees drawn up.  The only light in the room was from the glow of the phone and a dim nightlight coming from the bathroom.

Victor shifted uncertainly and Yuuri looked up.  “Victor, what’s wrong?”

“I-I was talking with Phichit and he pointed out that I was keeping something from you.  It wasn’t intentional.”

“Oh?  What is it?”

“My ex is the one house sitting at my house while I’m here.  We still talk and he gives me updates on my apartment and the artwork he's creating for me."

“Sasha?  You said something about that or enough for me to draw that conclusion.  I think you said Sasha house sat and dog sat for you when you went to competition.  Why are you upset?”

“Because I didn’t want you to be upset,” Victor responded, relieved.

“Victor, I know you had a life before me.  Chris is your best friend but you both dated at one time.  It isn’t a hard leap to think you might be friends with other ex’s.”

“Just those two, honestly,” he mumbled. 

“At least now I know I’m not the only one who overthinks things.”  He reached for Victor who joined him in bed, settling into Yuuri’s space.  Victor felt a pout tug at his lips but the comfort of his boyfriend’s arms relaxed him.  Yuuri plugged up his phone so that they could settled in to sleep wrapped up in one another.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nightmares and old stories...

* * *

 

 

_Yuuri felt trapped, frozen, unable to move.  Voices leered all at him from the shadows threatening unspeakable things.  The drug induced haze kept him from reacting physically but his mind was on fire.  He screamed.  No, he didn’t scream.  Nothing came out.  Why couldn’t he scream?  Who are they?  Why can’t he see their faces.  Victor!  Victor, help me!_

“Victor!”  Yuuri awakened with a start, sitting bolt upright.  Victor held him in his arms, awakened by his cries.   He struggled to catch his breath but the panic still held him down.  Victor had one arm wrapped around his chest and the free hand rubbed slow calming circles.  His voice sang the words to the Russian lullaby, soothing the younger man shaking in his arms.

Makka edged closer, her whine making her worry evident.  Yuuri reached out a hand and realized it was shaking.  _Am I trembling?_ He looked up towards Victor who brushed a kiss on his cheek.  It was only then as Victor kissed away his tears that he realized he was crying.  Makka buried up into his chest.  Yuuri wrapped his arms around the poodle and shuddered, finally releasing the pent up sobs.

Phichit came into the room with a bottle of water in hand.  “I heard you cry out, Yuuri.  Are you alright?” he asked, handing the bottle to Yuuri.  The other wasn’t together enough to accept the offering and Victor took it instead.  They all cuddled up together with Yuuri in the middle between best friend and boyfriend, and Makka stretched out across his chest.    It took some time for the tears to subside.

“Was it about Sochi?” Victor asked gently as he continued to rub slow comforting circles in Yuuri’s side.  Yuuri nodded.  “Do you want to talk about it?”  Yuuri shook his head, turning to bury his face into Victor’s chest.  “It’s okay, _lyubov moya_.  You don’t have to talk right now.  We will wait until you are ready.”

Held within the safety and comfort of love and friendship, Yuuri slipped back into slumber.  The remnants of the nightmare were held at bay for the next few hours.

 

* * *

 

 

Natalia handed over the CD holding the soprano version of _[Aria](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_DcjjK32RI)_ to Yuuri.  “Anna is an opera major and was excited to do this for you.  She’s a fan and demands both of your autographs in payment.”  They dropped it into the CD player.

“Did you perform the piano, Natalia?” Victor asked.

“Yes.  Yuuri has always preferred pieces in piano.  So it seemed appropriate.  I can play Cello and Violin as well but any time I do something for Yuuri, I think piano.”

Victor met Yuuri’s eyes and his boyfriend could see the pleasure within them.  Yuuri turned to Natalia and nodded.  “This is perfect!  Thank you, Nattie!”

Natalia beamed with pleasure.  “I’m glad you like it.  I can’t wait until your senior recital.”

“We’re arranging for a screening of Victor figure skating the original as a greeting.  Then it will fade into darkness.  The spotlight will open slowly on me as the first strains of this Aria filter through.  I will dance my solo.  Then the piece I’m developing with the first and second years to highlight my work with others, followed by my second solo, and wrapping up with Duetto making full use of the spotlights with the rest of the stage in darkness.”

“Did you get Mark to do the lights?”

“Yes.  I was hoping…would you do my sound?” 

Natalia’s face lit up once more.  “I’d be honored, Yuuri.  Thank you for making me a part of your showcase.  Let me know when I need to be there for rehearsals.”

“I will.  Thank you.  And thank you for this,” he added, waving the CD case.  “Would your friend like a photo of the two of us together?  It would be exclusive.”

“She would love it…and so would I.”

Victor and Yuuri both chuckled in reply.  “I think that could be arranged.”

“What made you think soprano?” Yuuri asked suddenly.

“Because it demanded an answer.  The _Duetto_ will work nicely for your partnering performance but I think this will be the perfect accompaniment for your solo.  Well, that and I’ve seen the pictures of you in drag.”

Victor’s eyes went wide as he turned to Yuuri.  “What?!!”

“It was over a year ago,” stammered Yuuri.  “Natalia!”

Natalia ignored her friend and turned to Victor.   “You might know a certain someone that has pictures.”

“Phichit!” Victor chimed, pulling out his phone to text him.  Yuuri pulled out his as well to stop him.  Soon, a ding on Victor’s phone told Yuuri he’d been completely betrayed by his friends.  An answering text from Phichit of an open mouthed selfie came to Yuuri.

“Well, I’ve done a good deed and caused enough trouble.  Later, boys!”  She waved with a flourish  as she slipped out the door.

“Do you still have those heels, Yuuri?” Victor murmured.  Yuuri stared at his boyfriend wide eyed. 

“Y-yes.  I have the entire outfit.”

Victor’s face lit up.  “Would it be too forward to demand a live performance?”

Yuuri tilted his head thoughtfully, regaining his composure.  “Only if I choose the time…and you choose the place.”

“Place?” Victor choked, short circuiting.

“You expect me to get dressed up and stay in?”

Victor looked like he could die at that moment a happy man.  “Of course not.  Only the best for you, _zvezda moya_ ,” he purred.

Yuuri traced a finger along his jawline in answer.  “Such a performance demands one in return.”

“Anything for you, my Yuuri,” he murmured. 

Yuuri’s lips parted and Victor watched the tongue dart out to wet the surface.  Victor’s hand lifted his chin to hold Yuuri’s eyes over his glasses.  He leaned forward and barely brushed his lips over the corner of Yuuri’s mouth.  Dropping his hand, he stepped back with a wink and a smirk.  Yuuri’s hand raised unconsciously to the place vacated by Victor’s lips, his eyes locked onto Victor’s as he remained transfixed in the moment.

“So beautiful, _zolotse,_ ” he murmured, brushing his hand through Yuuri’s hair.  Yuuri turned into his touch, closing his eyes.  Victor’s breath caught. 

There is one law that is universally held and that is that roommates always show up at the most inopportune times.  The door opened with a rattle of paper bags, and the two lovers broke apart.  Phichit looked from one flushed expression to another.  “Do I need to come back later?”

Yuuri laughed nervously.  “Of course not.  You brought dinner.”

Victor smiled indulgently towards Yuuri.  Tilting his face towards Phichit, he asked, “What did you bring?”

“Oh, it’s takeout from that bar and grille between the rink and home.  Every once and awhile you have to break the diet and indulge in greasy French fries and burgers.  This one is the best within walking distance.”

“Then let’s not spoil it by letting it get cold,” Yuuri responded as he moved to take out the plates.  Victor prepared drinks, finding a bottle of rum.  Raising an eyebrow towards the other two, he received a shrug.  Rum and Coke it is.  Soon three tumblers accompanied the plates.

The night progressed and Victor learned of other drunken and not so drunken escapades the boys got into on and around campus.  This prompted an impromptu skype call to Chris who happily joined in with stories about Victor and Chris. 

“The four of us have got to get together,” Chris insisted at the end of the call. 

“World's would bring us all together.  Then there is Yuuri's senior recital and graduation,” Victor answered.

Chris, lifting his own glass, responded,“Here’s to World’s, then, and _les quatre mousquetaires.”_

“It’s a date,” Phichit answered with a wink.  Chris raised his eyebrows then offered a dramatic wink in reply before disconnecting. 

“Chris may take you up on your offer of a date,” Victor responded.

Phichit responded, “I thought he had a boyfriend.”

“They have a very open relationship.”

“Hmmm,” responded Phichit, interest stirring in his rum infused eyes.  Victor raised his eyes in surprise and laughed in reply.

Yuuri, poor Yuuri, was half stretched across the bar complaining about the room spinning.  “Come here, my Yuuri.  Let me take care of you,” Victor soothed as he helped him off the stool.

Victor guided him down the hall, catching his giggling boyfriend as he stumbled.  A tender laugh slipped out as Victor hugged him close. 

Yuuri curled up in bed lost in a song in his head while Victor dug through his chest of drawers to find a sleep shirt and pants.  Returning, he caught a few phrases of the song and realized it was the English words of the lullaby he sang to him that night on the bathroom floor.  “Oh, Yuuri…my sweet Yuuri,” murmured Victor.

“Why didn’t you kiss me earlier?” he demanded as Victor helped him out of his shirt and replaced it with the sleep shirt.

“I don’t want to rush you,” Victor answered tenderly.  “And I did kiss you.  Just not quite on the lips.”

“You’re teasing me.   What if I wanted you to kiss me?”

“Then you would have kissed me,” Victor answered softly.  “Trust me.”

Yuuri stopped half nod.  “Do you trust me?”

Victor’s mouth opened with surprise at the turnaround.  Drawing a deep breath, he nodded sincerely.  “With my whole person…even my battered and bruised heart,” he responded softly as he held out the sleep pants to Yuuri.  “You get these on and I’ll be back soon to tuck you in.”

“You’re making me sleep alone?” he whined.

“Yes,” he stated firmly.  “You are an amorous drunk…and I don’t want us to do something we regret in the morning.  When I make love to you, Yuuri, you will be fully aware of it and in full consent.”

Yuuri drew his breath sharply at the promise behind those words. 

Victor slipped away to change and give Yuuri a little privacy…as well as some breathing space for himself.  Phichit was cleaning off the bar and looked up to meet his eyes knowingly.  “He’s a handful like this,” he echoed Victor’s thoughts.

“How is he still…” Victor trailed off.

“A virgin?  He’s only that bad with you.  He may flirt but he says ‘no’ to anyone else.  And we always take care of each other.  We may both drink but one of us limits their intake so that we can make sure the other is safe.”

“Chris and I always took care of each other as well.”  Victor turned into his room to change.  When he came back to the hallway, Phichit was in the kitchen and out of eyesight.  He slipped back into Yuuri’s room and found him sitting in the middle of the bed waiting on Victor.  He wasn’t prepared for tears.

“I’m sorry, Victor,” he whispered.

“Whatever for, my love?”

“I-I’m selfish.”

“How is that?”

“I want to take you from the world.  I want to keep you for myself.”

“Oh, _lyubov moya_ , the world be damned.  This is where I want to be.  Nowhere else.”  He pulled the blankets back and helped his boyfriend lay down.  Yuuri curled up against his hip.  “I need you to sleep now, okay?”

Yuuri nodded.  He looked so vulnerable at that moment that Victor couldn’t help but lean forward and press a kiss on his temple.  He continued to card his fingers through Yuuri’s hair until he fell asleep. 

Standing, he went to the kitchen where Phichit had already laid out meds and water for Yuuri.  Picking them up, he called to Makka who jumped up from the corner bed.  “You are going to keep watch over Yuuri tonight, okay, girl?”  Makka followed his master with pleasure and jumped up on Yuuri’s bed.  Victor signaled for her to lie down next to his lover.  Yuuri turned in his sleep and snuggled up to the dog as Victor placed the cup and meds at the bedside.

“Good night, my Yuuri.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Europeans and 4CCs drawing near, things started to become more hectic and demanding. Runs, practicing, and dancing, something had to give.

* * *

 

 

Yuuri started awake.  Glancing at the time on his phone, he saw that it was barely 2 a.m.  What woke him up?  Then he heard Victor’s muffled voice through the wall.  Slipping his feet to the floor, he spotted the hangover meds.  He grabbed them and gulped down the water.  “My boys take care of me, Makka,” he whispered fondly as he ran his fingers through the dog’s curls.  “Let’s go check on Victor.”  Makka bounced up and was on Yuuri’s heels as he left the room. 

Victor’s door was open and the room was only lit by the moonlight coming through the window.  Yuuri moved in next to him and wrapped him up in his arms.  “No!” he cried out.  “No, please no.  Not my Yuuri.  Don’t hurt him.” 

Yuuri could imagine the nightmare plaguing his boyfriend.  He tightened his embrace and murmured softly, “It’s okay, Victor.  I’m okay.  I’m safe.  You made sure of that.”  He continued to repeat the words as his fingers carded through his hair, the silver caught by the filtered moonlight.  Finally, Victor settled.  Yuuri wrapped around him, pressing his cheek against the top of his head, his arms wrapping around his chin.  “I love you,” he whispered.

Makka found a space between their hips and rested her chin on Victor’s stomach.  They both fell asleep as the night stilled once more.

 

* * *

 

 

With Europeans and 4CCs drawing near, things started to become more hectic and demanding.  Runs, practicing, and dancing, something had to give.

“Vitya, we need to be open to severing our schedules a bit.”

Victor felt hurt, his pout deepening.  “You don’t want to spend time with me?”

Yuuri drew a patient, indulging breath.  “Of course I do…but it’s not practical.  We both have things we need to accomplish.  If we aren’t waiting for one another all the time, it would be much more efficient.  I-I can go outside on my own.”

Victor knew this.  Yuuri took Makka out as often as Victor now.  He also would wander down and visit with Ashley or Natalia without him.   But Victor wanted to keep him safe.  He took his eyes off of him a moment at the banquet and Yuuri disappeared, ending up in harm’s way.  He could not bear it if someone hurt Yuuri again.  The tremble in Victor’s lip almost did Yuuri in. 

“V-victor?”

“It’s hard for me, Yuuri,” Victor stated softly, a rasp sneaking into his voice.  He drew several breaths trying to clear the knot out of his chest.  “I want to make sure you’re safe.”

 “With Craig in jail, my biggest threat is gone, Vitya,” he responded softly.  “You have to let me find my courage, my strength, on my own.  If I don’t do this, I’ll lose my sense of self.”

Victor knew this as well.  Yuuri thrived on independence.  The last thing Victor wanted to do was smother him.  What if Yuuri didn’t need him anymore?  That thought caused a hitch in his breath and began to feel what plagued Yuuri at times.

Yuuri stepped forward, sliding a hand up his chest and over his shoulder.  Resting on the nape of his neck, he rested his head against Victor’s cheek.  “I don’t know what has you afraid, Victor, but I need to do this.  I need to take steps to regain my independence.  And know that when I come back you will be here.  I need to let you go and let you return and you need to do the same.  We can be too wrapped up in one another.  If we do that, we become like ivy wrapping around the tree it loves but eventually choking it out, sucking out the very essence that it loved.  I don’t want that for us.”

Victor wrapped his arms around Yuuri.  He knew this as well.  Yuuri’s words wrapped around him and stamped his soul.  “I’ve been trying to protect you.  I didn’t realize I was holding you too tight.”

“You aren’t yet, Victor.  This is a necessary move so that we can do what needs to be done.  I’m just as guilty as you.  I want you close to me.”

“I want you close, too.”

“We need balance.  Okay?”

Victor nodded.  He knew this.  But part of him still worried.  He worried that Yuuri will need him and he’d be too far to help him.

 

* * *

 

 

Victor complied with Yuuri’s request focusing on competition.  They still ran together, danced together, practiced on the ice in the evenings together, and slept wrapped up in one another.  Yet, Victor couldn’t help but think there was so much unaccounted time in between. 

Not that Yuuri didn’t tell him about his day.  After their showers, they’d snuggle up and talk about what they’ve been doing when apart.  Yuuri studied and danced and ran some more.  He worked with the younger ballet dancers involved in his program.  He practiced his solos adjusting the choreography.  Then they came together around three in the afternoon and practiced the partner piece.   They’d run home for dinner and to switch out their dance gear for skate gear.  Then they ran to the rink around six, sometimes meeting Celestino, and worked on Yuuri’s program.  Victor played coach for three hours and then they’d run home, wind down, and sleep to start over again.

Yuuri’s exhaustion was showing in his face.  Victor was on the ice as many hours as Yuuri was in the dance studio.  If the grind of the day was breaking him down, he knew it had to be breaking Yuuri down. 

Victor finally took a rest day and sought out his lover at the dance studio. 

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri stretched and held the positions that gave him his strength, flexibility, and grace as a dancer.  He eyed the pointe shoes lying on the low bench.  He brought them in case he had to demonstrate for one of the younger dancers.  It was a good lie, he sighed.  But truth be told, he wanted them.

Reaching towards his right toe, he remembered the feeling of his body finding balance on that digit.  It was the epitome of grace, a beauty hard fought. 

And of no practical value.

He considered his schedule, longing for an indulgence.  Glancing around, he considered the time of day.  Most students were in regular classes or sleeping at this time of day.  It was early.  He pushed himself up and moved over to the low bench.  Crossing one leg over the other, he freed his foot of the ballet slipper.  He followed with the other.

His fingers reached out with longing, tangling in the ribbon of the shoe.  He had two pair but these were his favorite, the way the red would contrast against his black tights.  The shoe slid across the bench at his tugging.  Lifting it up, he ran his fingers down the satin. 

He stretched his legs out along the bench.  Bending one at the knee, he slipped his foot into the shoe tracing his fingers around the opening and securing the heel from behind.  He then gathered the ribbons, wrapping them around and once more in a criss-cross pattern before circling his calf and tying it off.  He then reached for the other shoe and continued with the ritual.

 

* * *

 

 

Victor stood on the other side of the viewing window, his breath somehow suspended in his lungs as he watched the ritualistic manner of Yuuri undressing and dressing his feet.  The other man’s eyes were entirely focused on the satin and shoes. 

Yuuri swung his feet around the bench and pushed up with a dancer’s grace.  He started going through the positions to become used to the shoes once more.  Then he saw it.  The steady rise of a dancer rising up on his toes.   The arch of his foot, the elongated muscle in his leg, the turn of his ankle just right.  Victor could die a happy man at this moment seeing this sight. 

Victor slipped away from the room unseen.  He hadn’t been invited.  It felt voyeuristic in nature.  Yuuri had not chosen to show this side of him.

Yet, he longed for more.

He took out his phone as he settled on a bench mid campus.

**_V/ Taking a rest day this afternoon.  I think you should, too._ **

**_Y/  It’s close to competition and with everything else._ **

**_V/  A day off will do you some good.  Your body needs this.  Your mind needs this._ **

**_V/  Let’s go out._ **

**_Y/  Out?  Like a date?_ **

**_V/  Yes!  I want to take you out on a date._ **

**_Y/  OK_ **

**_Y/  Wait.  What time?  How dressed up?_ **

**_V/  ;)  Your red heels would be perfect._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What? A date? And red heels?


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Date night and red, four inch heels.

* * *

 

Victor spent the next hour making arrangements for their date before arriving home.  The sound of the shower running told him Yuuri made it ahead of him.  He went to his closet and pulled out the suit planned to wear for the night.  He then moved into his own shower. 

Getting out, he was careful to listen for sounds of Yuuri before he opened the door and crossed the hall.  He wanted the sight of him to be a surprise.  Ready, he approached the living room and found Phichit on the couch cross-legged.

Phichit raised an eyebrow at his appearance.  “Going someplace special?”

Victor nodded, unable to trust his voice.  _God, why am I so nervous?_

“Oh, is this a date?”

Victor again nodded and froze as he heard the click of heels echo down the hallway.  As Yuuri stepped into the living room, it was here where Victor could definitely swear he could die a happy man.  He didn’t know what he was expecting but certainly not the tall elegance the four inch heels provided.  Four inch RED heels! Yuuri’s hair was pushed back off his face and he didn’t wear glasses.  A dusting of makeup brought out the feminine shape of his face.  His lips, a beautiful red gloss, not overpowering, subtle.  He noticed a pair of drop earrings clipped to his lobes before he followed the line down to his neck.

An elegant gold chain rested close to his neck and suited the off the shoulder black dress that glanced down his body stopping just above his knees.  Black stockings or pantyhose, Victor wasn’t sure which and could imagine what lay beneath the surface of that dress, ghosted over legs that had a shaven appearance.  Yuuri wasn’t a hairy man but he seemed to have taken the time to remove what little remained that would affect the view.  Victor’s eyes traveled over the muscled calves bunched up elegantly by the height of those red high heels.  _Four fucking inches!_   He was done for.

“Vitya?” Yuuri murmured, “Are you ready?” 

Victor’s eyes met his and he opened his mouth to speak, truly he did, but nothing came out.  He stared speechless at the sight before him.  Then Yuuri smirked and reached out his hand to take his.  Victor stared at that hand, the wrist wearing a simple gold bracelet, the fingernails…painted red to match the shoes.  He lifted his eyes once more to meet Yuuri’s, and managed to somehow croak out the word ‘yes’.

Phichit’s very amused voice caught their attention.  “Do you want me to take a photo of the two of you?”

Yuuri held Victor’s gaze and took control of the situation.  “Yes, please.  Although I think he’ll remember this,” Yuuri added with a wink.

Phichit laughed and pulled out his camera.  Victor realized that Yuuri had already given Phichit a heads up about the night and Phichit was prepared.  Yuuri moved to stand at his side, turning in profile to face Victor, he lifted the heel closest to the camera off the ground while he leaned in and brushed a kiss on Victor’s face.  Victor short circuited.  Yuuri ran his thumb over the point of contact and laid his head against Victor’s shoulder to face the camera.  Several shots had been taken. 

Then Victor was helping Yuuri with his coat, a short black jacket that cinched at the waist and did not mess with the line of the dress.  Pulling on his own coat, he opened the door for Yuuri and guided him into the hall with his hand on the small of his lover’s back.

“So, is this what you had in mind when you asked for the heels?”

“I-I don’t think I could have ever imagined this," came Victor's breathless response.  "You are stunning.”

Yuuri’s face lit up at the compliment.  “I’m glad you like it,” he murmured softly.

 

* * *

 

 

Victor guided him out the front door of the building where a black Mercedes awaited.  The driver greeted them and opened the door.  Victor saw Yuuri safely inside before joining him.  The driver already aware of where they were going, took his place in the driver’s seat and informed the two passengers that the traffic was light and they should make their reservation with time to spare.

“I didn’t…I can’t believe you went through with it,” Victor stated, his eyes still mesmerized by the sight before him.

Yuuri took his hand in his own polished ones and he could feel the thumb moving over the sensitive area where the thumb and forefinger met.  “You gave me what I asked although it made you uncomfortable, upset you even.  You trusted me.  How could I not give you what you asked?”

“I-I trust you.  It was never about that,” Victor intoned.

“I know,” Yuuri whispered.

“I just don’t trust everyone else.  I-I have nightmares still.”

“I know that, too, Vitya,” responded Yuuri.  “I have them as well.  But when I decided that I refuse to give anything else to them, it was a decision to move forward in spite of my fears.  I want you to move forward with me.  There will still be bad days for both of us.  As long as we acknowledge them for what they are, we should be able to move past that even if it takes time.”

“I-I want that too.”  Victor then parsed through something Yuuri said.  “Are…you uncomfortable?”

Yuuri shook his head.  “The persona goes with the dress.  It’s the same as adopting a persona for a dance or a skate.”

“Good.  I don’t ever want you to be uncomfortable with me.  You can always tell me no.”

“I know this.  You are my safe place.  I know you’d never take that away.”

The level of trust in Yuuri’s words took his breath away.  “Whatever did I do to deserve you?” he whispered.

“I’ve asked myself that very same thing every day since you came to my side and fought to stay there.”

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri looked around wide-eyed.  “I haven’t been to this part of the town.”  The higher end restaurants and shops met his eye as he looked out the window.  “Where are we going?”

“[Antietam](http://www.antietamdetroit.com/).  French cuisine.  You like?”

“I haven’t really had much French.”

“Oh, I love trying different cuisines!  I hope you have an adventurous palate.”

Yuuri laughed warmly.  “I do love to try new foods but going someplace new on my own is…unnerving.”

“We will explore them together,” Victor assured him.

Walking into the historic elegance of the establishment, Yuuri appreciated the comfortable feel.  “My home is a traditional Japanese inn.  I love the historical touches,” he explained to Victor.

“I hope to one day see your home,” Victor murmured as the host guided them to their table.

Yuuri looked over the menu uncertainly, nibbling on his lower lip.  Victor, sensing his discomfort asked him, “Do you trust me?”

“Of course,” Yuuri responded without hesitation. 

“May I order for you?”

Closing the menu, Yuuri smiled and nodded.  “Yes, please.”  Reaching to take his boyfriend’s hand, he added, “And thank you.”

“Are you adventurous enough to try the escargot?” Victor inquired with a raised eyebrow.

Yuuri grinned.  “Why not?  This is a night for adventure.”

Victor laughed softly and nodded.  “I like to order different things and share.   Are you territorial over your plate?”

“Not at all.  Phichit and I steal from each other all the time.”

“Excellent.”  The waiter returned for their order and Victor went with the Beet tart, oxtail, and escargot for each.  Wine and water filled, he offered a toast to Yuuri.  “To greater adventures before us.”

Yuuri’s eyes glittered in response as he sipped the wine.  “I’m not used to this treatment,” Yuuri murmured.

“I want you to become used to it,” Victor replied holding his hand and rubbing circles with his thumb.  “You deserve to be treated like a queen.”

The blush rose up through his cheeks echoed by the bashful fan of his lashes.  “I don’t feel worthy,” he confessed softly.

“Then it’s my job to convince you otherwise,” Victor answered, lifting his fingers and brushing a kiss over the curve.  Yuuri’s breath hitched in response. 

Their meal arrived and Yuuri’s eyes widened at the elegance and looked to Victor to see how to approach his own plates.  Victor demonstrated quietly and before the meal was finished, they were sharing bites back and forth, quiet words and soft laughs exchanging in between.

As they left the restaurant, Victor asked him, “What do you recommend for our next date?”

Yuuri considered.  “In Detroit?  Hmmm, there are some great jazz clubs that would include some soul food.  Also, I know if the dates land right, we could go to a swing club.”

“So food, music, dancing…what else do you enjoy?”

He considered thoughtfully before answering, “If we are thinking beyond Detroit, sitting on a quiet beach, a day hike, ballet, symphony, casual skating at an outdoor rink…those are some ideas.”

“That helps a lot.”

“What do you like to do?”

“Hmmm.  The things you list are high on my list.  I would add trying new cuisine…of course, I’ve told you this…shopping, touristy things, night clubs.  I’m pretty open and love an adventure.”

Their driver arrived and they were soon inside.  Yuuri studied Victor thoughtfully.  “If we were in Hasetsu, I’d take you to you first to my parent’s inn which is an onsen, a hot spring.  We’d stay there, of course, and there is nothing like soaking away the day’s aches like a hot spring.  We’d walk along the beach.  I’d show you the rink where I grew up.  Then we’d explore the city.  There are local markets, food vendors, and historical sites.”

“I’d love that,” Victor murmured, his eyes closed imagining the journey.  “In Russia, I’d take you to my favorite clubs and restaurants, museums, and of course ballets.  There would be ice skating and beautiful walks in parks and along the Baltic.”

Yuuri leaned into his shoulder.  “Clubs you have to catch me in the right mood.  I have to mentally prepare for crowds.  But it does sound like an adventure.”

Their driver brought them home where Victor escorted Yuuri up the stairs.  As Victor unlocked the door, Yuuri placed his hand on the hand at the door causing Victor to look up.  Yuuri stepped forward and brushed a kiss at the corner of his mouth.  “Thank you, Victor, for taking me out.”

Victor’s breath caught and he slid his hand down Yuuri’s arm.  “It was my pleasure,” he whispered in response.  Yuuri’s fingers traced his jawline as his eyelashes fluttered before entering the apartment.  Victor found himself trailing behind watching how the heels and the fit of the skirt presented such an elegant line. 

Yuuri glanced back and smirked. 

 

* * *

 

 

Victor followed him down the hallway, pausing at his door.  His desire warred with what he knew would be pushing Yuuri.  He waited for an invitation, stepping forward when Yuuri glanced back.

“Yes, Victor?”

He licked his lips tightening his hands nervously.  “Can I…can I help you with your shoes?”

Yuuri tilted his head in surprise before nodding in reply.  Victor followed him into the bedroom and watched as Yuuri sat down gracefully at the foot of the bed, crossing his legs at the knees.  Victor dropped down to the carpet in front of him.  His breath was ragging as he reached up one hand to support the foot at the ankle, using the other to slip the shoe off.  He ran his hands over the feet massaging the arch now freed from the confinement of the shoe.  His hand moved up Yuuri’s calf and continued to relax the muscles with his touch.  He looked up and met Yuuri’s eyes softened by gratitude.  He settled that foot on the floor and lifted the other to remove the other heel, repeating the procedure.

“Thank you,” Victor murmured, his hands working circles into the muscles moving towards the knee.  “I couldn’t imagine a more elegant partner on my arm tonight.”

He felt Yuuri shift forward and he looked up in time to catch the kiss Yuuri offered on his forehead.  _One day soon I hope to taste your lips.  When you’re ready, my Yuuri._

Yuuri rested his forehead against Victor’s, a soft smile resting on his lips.  “When I’m with you, I feel like I’m the most important person in the room.”

“Then I did my job well,” Victor responded. 

“I wonder if you are getting short changed in the deal,” Yuuri murmured.

“Yet, you met me like this tonight.  Trust me when I say I am the blessed one.”

Yuuri slid off the bed into Victor’s arms, his legs folding behind him.  Victor held him close, brushing his lips through Yuuri’s hair and trailing to the shell of his ear.  Carding his hair, he felt Yuuri relax in his arms, his breathing evening out.  “Yuuri,” he whispered.

“Hmmm?” came his sleepy response.

“Let’s get you to bed.”  Victor supported him as he stood up and settled once more on the edge of the bed.  Victor knew where to find Yuuri’s sleep clothes this time and gathered them to bring to his side.  Dropping a kiss on his forehead, he whispered, “I would love to help you slip out of this dress, but I wouldn’t want to stop.”

Yuuri lifted his chin and brushed a kiss on his chin.  “I need fifteen minutes,” he whispered. 

Victor slipped away to his own room to change into his sleep pants.  Reaching for the leash, he called Makka to his side.  The pooch eagerly greeted him and joined him descending down the stairs to the patch of grass to take care of his needs.  Returning, he saw that Phichit emerged from his own room. 

“What have you been up to?”

“Photoshop.  And Sasha has sent me what he wants to fulfill your commission.  Will you be on the ice tomorrow evening with Yuuri?”

“Yes.  I just forced Yuuri to take an off day today.”

“Good and thank you.  He gets tunnel vision when it gets close to competition.”

“I’m the same but Yakov yelled at me this morning and sent me off the ice.”

“He’s formidable even across the ocean.”

“Indeed.”  Glancing down the hall, he added, “I know it’s early but I’m going to take advantage of the opportunity of a full night’s sleep.  So, good night, Phichit.”

“Good night, Victor.”

Victor made his way down the hall and opened the door to Yuuri’s room.  Makeup removed and dressed in the comfort of his sleep clothes, Yuuri was curled up on his side looking through his phone.

“What are you looking at?”

“The pictures Phichit took tonight.  I left my phone so I’m just now seeing them.”

Victor climbed across the bed and peered over his shoulder.  “We look good together.”  He spotted the one with Yuuri giving him a kiss, leg cocked, and his expression shocked.  “That’s my favorite.”

Yuuri smirked.  “I like surprising you.  You’ve never failed to surprise me.”

They plugged up their phones feeling the weariness of weeks catch up to them.  Yuuri turned into Victor’s arms, resting his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder even as his leg slid around Victor’s.  Victor brushed a kiss across Yuuri’s forehead.  “ _Ya lyublyu tebya_ ,” he whispered, ‘I love you’ coming easier in his own language.  Yuuri hummed in response as his breathing evened out.

 

* * *

 

 

Victor’s restlessness pulled Yuuri from his sleep and he found himself soothing his lover’s nightmares once more.  He studied Victor with worry in his heart as he smoothed the silver hair from his eyes. 

Noticing Makka’s restlessness, Yuuri glancing at his phone and he cocked an eyebrow towards the dog.  “Really?  In the middle of the night?”  As Yuuri slipped from Victor’s arms and the bed, he reached for his phone.  He had running pants, t-shirt, and hoodie laid out for the morning run in the bathroom.  He quickly dressed and pulled on his trainers.  Leash and phone in hand, he grabbed his keys and followed an eager Makka out the door.

Standing in the grass, he looked at the stretchy wristlet that he used for his keys.  It had a whistle added to it by Phichit since he returned.  Victor tried to add pepper spray but Yuuri told him that was too much.  Truth be told, he could handle himself in a fight sober.  Takeshi made sure of that before he left for Detroit. 

A series of bad choices and a poor mental state led to the decisions of that night that put him in danger.  He could track back and find where things went wrong.  The guilt and blame crawled up into his gut.  He should not have been so foolish.  Then he called Victor.  Now his boyfriend had nightmares nearly every night.  “Why do you even want to be with me?” whispered Yuuri.  “I don’t deserve you.  I can’t even take care of myself.  I put myself in danger.  I drag others down with me.  What if I hurt you along the way?”

The thoughts behind the words were even worse.  He dropped down on the bench, head in hand, and rocked back and forth.  _Oh, god!  Not the tears!  I’m already a mess._   But they came as if a force on their own.    

A sweet smell accompanied by a branch snapping behind him made him very aware that he was alone.  A figure came into view and Yuuri’s eyes went wide. 

“You okay?” the other man called out with concern. 

Yuuri’s breath hitched and he took off running.  He ran half way toward campus when he slowed and realized he had Makka’s leash.  As he dropped to the ground gasping for air, crying, Makka wriggled into his arms licking at the tears and whining in concern.  “I’m sorry, Makka.  I’m sorry.”   The words kept rolling over and over and at some point transitioned to “I’m sorry, Victor, I’m sorry.”

“Yuuri,” a voice reached out from the darkness.  Yuuri looked up and he could see Victor coming after him.  Arms wrapping around him, he held him close.  “You owe me no apologies, Yuuri, love.  It’s okay.  I’m here.  Let it out.”  The crying continued to shake through Yuuri as he broke in Victor’s arms. 

It was some time before he calmed down enough for Victor to take him home.  Tucking him into bed, he heard Victor praise Makka for watching over Yuuri until Victor could reach him.  Victor looked at Yuuri as if he made a decision.  _He’s had enough.  He’s going to leave.  I can’t blame him but…I don’t know if I can make it without him_. 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't be mad at me!


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anxiety feeds anxiety.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your silence makes me wonder if I killed you all last chapter.

* * *

 

 

Victor woke up early, his thoughts on his boyfriend curled up next to him.  He and Phichit had answered the knock on the door by the neighbor last night who told them he had startled Yuuri into a panic.   They took off in a run in the direction the neighbor indicated apologetically.  Makka had stayed with Yuuri anchoring him with her presence.  His dog lay exhausted, though, the stress of the night weighing down on her.  Cocoa was the answer and he decided last night to talk to Ashley about working with her today.

He looked at the time and considered what he needed to accomplish that day.  Yuuri would be up soon and they’d run to the rink.  Yuuri always took the first skate and then would leave to take care of matters on campus.  Practice.  Film.  Practice some more based on Celestino’s critique.  Listen to Yakov’s critique and practice more.  Back home to meet Yuuri for dance.  His day didn’t go still until after dance.  He’d eat dinner with the boys, walk Makka.  After a couple of hours rest, he’d be back at the rink focusing on Yuuri’s skate.  When did Yuuri study?  He’s just as busy.  _We’ve just got to get through this season._

He rubbed circles into his forehead, unconscious of the headache forming.  He heard a whispered “I’m sorry” from the edge of the room and turned to find Yuuri watching him.  Victor shook his head, holding his arms open for the other.  He watched Yuuri step hesitantly into Victor’s embrace.  That tore at his heart for Victor never wanted Yuuri to be uncertain of his love.  _Or maybe he is uncertain if his own love?_   Victor shut that thought down.  _No, Yuuri loves me.  I can tell in his actions, dancing, and skating.  Something else has him shaken._   Even as Victor enfolds him into his embrace, he notes the stiffness of the other not fully giving into the emotion.

“Are you still up for a run?”

Yuuri nodded, pulling from his embrace.  “Give me a minute to finish getting ready,” he mumbled turning back down the hall.  Victor’s worried gaze followed him.

The run was quiet, not that it ever encouraged conversation.  They often ran in silence but it was always companionable.  Now, something stood between them like a wall and Victor didn’t know how to break through.  They arrived at the rink and Yuuri walked away from him to get dressed rather than wait on his attendance.  An emptiness clawed at Victor’s gut. 

The distance remained when they entered the rink to the point where Celestino narrowed his eyes and studied the two skaters.  The timing was bad with 4CCs and Europeans next week.  It will affect performances.  When Yuuri skated his routines, Victor could see the disconnect.  His body moved in autopilot through muscle memory but the emotion was buried under the surface.  He watched Yuuri when he went to speak with his coach, his body language closed off.  Yuuri then left without a backwards glance his direction.

Celestino called Victor over.  “Did you two have a fight?”

Victor shook his head bewildered.  “He took Makka out last night and then had a panic attack.  I got him home and safe.  When he woke up, he was…this.  I don’t know what I did wrong.  If I knew, I’d fix it.”

“Panic attack, huh?  Does Phichit know?”

Victor nodded.

“It could be unrelated to you.  Don’t stress.  Sometimes he gets locked in his head.”  Victor studied the coach and couldn’t let go of the feeling that the coach was telling him what he needed to hear for the performance rather than the truth.  He shoved off and moved into position for _Aria_. 

The emotions of the morning filtered heavily through his skate and eyes at the rink turned to watch.  The yearning had returned full force as well as the sense of loneliness.  He missed Yuuri.  The way he withdrew from Victor’s side left him broken and bereft.  Grief filtered his movements and he cried out for Yuuri the only way he knew how, reaching desperately for the other to stay close to him and never leave his side.

Celestino studied the other thoughtfully and transferred the file to Yakov as well as Victor.  “I know what is driving that performance but if you could hold onto enough of that for the performance…”

“I…don’t want to hold onto it.”  Victor left the rink, not even touching the other program. 

 

* * *

 

 

Victor arrived at the apartment and cuddled up with Makka.  He was hurting and felt very alone, not knowing what to do with this pain.  A whimper from Makka reminded him that Makka hadn’t gone out.  He grabbed the leash and headed downstairs.  He found a small smile catching Ashley out.

“Ashley, how are you?”

“I’m good, and you?”

Victor opened his mouth to offer a pleasant answer when the words froze on his tongue.  Ashley narrowed her eyes and studied him.

“What’s going on, Victor?”

“I-I don’t really know.”

“Does it have something to do with Yuuri’s panic attack last night?”

“Maybe…I don’t know.  And how did you know about that?”

“Breakfast with Phichit.  He’s picked up on the mood shift in the apartment.  The only person here who has known Yuuri longer than myself is Celestino and he’s useless when it comes to these things.”

“He wants me to channel my pain into my skate,” Victor responded dully.

“Yeah, he comes off as rather shallow.  I like to think it isn’t because he doesn’t care but that he doesn’t know how to handle things like real feelings.”

“Yakov would just yell at me to get my head out of my ass.”

Ashley sputtered and grinned.  “Now that’s my kind of coach!”

“I don’t respond well to a light touch.  I walked off the rink today.  Yakov would have my ass for that.”

“So what happened?”

“Well, you know about the panic attack.  He fell apart in my arms.  I held onto him until he could move forward.  Then I got him home and put him to bed.  I didn’t leave him.  I just wrapped up around him.  This morning, I’m up planning my day, when he comes out and says, ‘I’m sorry.’”

“What for?”

“I don’t know.  When I found him last night he was saying over and over that he was sorry to me.  I told him there was nothing to apologize for but I guess…it wasn’t enough.”

“He keeps apologizing to you…whatever triggered this is related to you somehow.”

“We went on a date last night.  It ended on a good note.  Then everything fell apart early this morning.” 

Ashley studied Victor before sighing.  “Do you know what happens during Yuuri’s anxiety?  He can’t shut down negative thoughts.  Even if he knows they are false, he can’t turn them off and the eat away at him.  I found him in a panic attack four years ago.   We became friends because I was able to use my dogs to calm him.  Still, about six months in, he convinced himself that he was too much trouble and that I was just tolerating our friendship.  It took work to break through that barrier.”

“Barrier.  That’s what it feels like…a wall between us.”

“That is exactly what it is.  He has to come off of the anxiety a bit to be receptive.  You might need help to talk him down.”

“Phichit.”

“Exactly.  I don’t know what god you pray to if any but someone was looking out for Yuuri when they sent him Phichit.  We call him the all-knowing-Phichit for a reason and I can promise you that Phichit is already working the problem.  He’s your strongest ally with Yuuri.”

Victor nodded in acceptance.  He knew this but didn’t know how to approach Phichit on the matter.  He started to turn and leave when he remembered what he had been thinking earlier that morning.  “Ashley?”

“Mmmhmm?”

“I want Cocoa for Yuuri.”

Ashley’s face lit up.  “Really?  I would have handed her over myself but I can’t take the financial loss.”

“I understand.  You customized Cocoa’s training with Yuuri in mind.  She belongs to Yuuri.  I just need to help you make that happen.  Let me know where to transfer the funds and it’ll be there by the next day.”

“Follow me up and I’ll get you the information.  I can’t believe this.  Yuuri has an awesome guardian angel.”

“That is evident by all of the friends that surround and protect him.”

Ashley led him into her apartment and he watched her patiently as she put the dogs in order.  She found a blank check and voided it.  “This should give you what you need for a wire transfer.”

“Yes.  Thank you.  Also, would you mind keeping both Cocoa and Makka through our competitions?”

“Of course!”

“Thank you.  I…need to find Yuuri.”

“He needs space, Victor.”

“I know.  I just need to know he is safe.”

Ashley nodded with understanding.  “Remember.  I’m here if you need to talk.  We’re your friend, too.  You aren’t alone.”  His breath hitched and the other knew she hit a nerve.  She enclosed his hand warmly in hers.  “Please talk to us.  We’ll guard you as closely as we do each other.”

“Th-thank you.  I needed to hear that.”

“I understand that it must be hard to let people in, to trust.  You walk with a spotlight on you.  We don’t see you as a celebrity.  You are Victor.  Yuuri’s boyfriend.  Phichit’s roommate and friend.”

Victor felt humbled…in such a good way.  “I-I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything.  Now, go do what you’ve got to do.”

 

* * *

 

 

Victor settled Makka and rummaged around in the kitchen when his phone buzzed.

**_Y/  Cancelling partner rehearsal._ **

**_V/  Why?_ **

**_Y/  Need to work with 1/2 years._ **

**_V/  Need help?_ **

**_Y/  No.  See you later._ **

Victor felt dismissed.  He dropped to the couch.  He drew his knees to his chest feeling something break within him.  He curled up on himself and felt his tears.  His bruised and battered heart shuddered.

He didn’t know how long he laid there.  Long enough to realize Yuuri wasn’t coming home for lunch.  He pushed himself out of his cocoon on the couch.  He shook his head to clear the fog.  _This isn’t me!  I won’t give up without a fight.  I just need to understand more._

He grabbed a hoodie and headed out the door as he pulled it on.  Locking it behind him, he took the stairs two at a time and jogged across campus.  Entering the studio, he froze.  Where was he rehearsing?  He spotted a familiar face and recognized one of Yuuri’s dancemates.

“Julia?”

She turned and smiled.  “Victor, right?  Yuuri’s boyfriend.”

That warmed him that he was still seen in that light.  “Yes.  Do you know where I can find him?”

Her eyes darted to the side before answering.  “He’s…hiding out in Studio 2b.  He’s in a dark mood.  We’ve checked on him periodically but we do not dare disturb him.”

“That’s the one with the viewing window.”

“Yes.  I…wouldn’t interrupt him.  He’s working through something and needs time to himself.”

 

* * *

 

 

Victor slipped into the studio and could see the battle all over Yuuri as he fought through his headspace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think we need some Yuuri time and Phichit time next chapter.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can one abuse oneself through dance?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just couldn't leave you hanging!

* * *

 

 

The [music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-CxKA1uETxE) pressed against him as he battled the thoughts mixing dance styles and his free-formed movements.  A storm crashed inside him, toxic emotions pressing to the surface.  He shoved.  He twisted.  He writhed.  The pain within begged to come out, begged to be free.  It was more than brokenness, it was anger.  Pure and unmitigated.  Shattering.  He cried out with the music. 

He dropped to his knees.  Tears falling unchecked.  Broken.

Victor watched, his heart clinching.  It took every bit of his willpower not to go to him.  He knew Yuuri had to work through this.  To interrupt would be selfish.  He didn’t hear anyone else enter the gallery until a hand touched his arm.  Victor turned to see Phichit.

“He’s still at it,” Phichit whispered.

“You were here earlier?”

“Celestino called me after Yuuri left the ice.  Told me to check on him.  I watched for a while but had to leave.  It’s…so much.”

Victor nodded.  “Julia said they’ve taken turns checking on him.”

“Just like we are a family on the rink, the dancers are a family.”

“I don’t know what I did, Phichit.  Was coming here a mistake?  Am I hurting him?”

Phichit sighed and took his hand, pulling him from the viewing gallery.  A lounge at opened up at the end of the hall and Phichit crossed it to punch a water bottle from the machine.  He handed it to Victor and motioned him to sit.  “You are not hurting him, Victor.  He does that well enough on his own.  You are experiencing Yuuri being Yuuri.”

“He keeps telling me he’s sorry.”

“You have to let him come to you.”

“He keeps pushing me away.  He cancelled ballet rehearsal.  He’s avoided me all morning.”

“You have to know seeing him dance that this goes way beyond you.”

Victor swallowed the tightness in his chest and nodded.  “He’s remembering, isn’t he…”

“I…think so.”

“I hate to see him suffer alone.”

Phichit tightened his expression thoughtfully.  “I’m going to interfere for your sake.  You have to trust me.”

“What are you going to do?”

“Demand a friend-date for dinner.  I’ll tell him you’ll meet him at the rink later.”

 

* * *

 

 

**_P/  I am kidnapping you for dinner.  I already warned Victor._ **

**_Y/  Me?  Why?_ **

**_P/  You are my best friend and I need a friend date._ **

**_Y/  I’m not good company._ **

**_P/  No matter.  We don’t have to put on masks with each other.  You know this._ **

**_Y/  What’s the plan?_ **

**_P/  The pizza place just off campus.  We’ll grab a corner booth.  Text me when you leave the studio and I’ll meet you there._ **

**_Y/  I guess it’s a date._ **

 

* * *

 

 

The cool air bit through Yuuri’s sweat ridden clothes wicking away the moisture but not before a chill wound around him.  The _corner booth_ was friend code for “you’re not getting out of this if I have to drag you and corner you”.  It was also a physical location they took over when Yuuri became too caught up in himself.

He walked into the restaurant and his eyes quickly found Phichit.  He breathed a small sigh of relief when he saw that his friend left the bench next to the wall for him.  He’d been jumpy all day, small sounds startling him with too much ease.  He approached Phichit and placed his hand on the other’s shoulder.

Phichit looked up with his warm eyes and smile.  Standing, he gave Yuuri an embrace as if they hadn’t seen each other in some time rather than living together.  Yuuri took the open bench.  “I’ve already ordered for us,” he provided. 

“What kind of damage control do I need to do?”

Phichit raised an eyebrow.  “Direct.  I think I like this new side of you.”

“I’ve danced through a tempest of emotion today.  I know you.  You’ve been in and out.” 

“I don’t know what you are talking about,” Phichit deflected. 

“He’s going to leave,” Yuuri whispered.

Phichit reached across the table and took Yuuri’s hand.  “Where did that come from?”

“I’m too hard.   Why would he stay?”

“For the same reason he came,” Phichit supplied.

“Because I’m broken?”

His friend shook his head.  “Because he is crazy in love with you.”

“My anxiety will push him away in no time.”

“Like it pushed Ashley away?  Natalia?  Me?  You keep trying to push people out and we are all still here.  What makes you think he is less determined to stay?”

“He’s not as invested.”

“Bullshit!”

Yuuri’s eyes widened in response.

“Like hell is he not as invested!  He flew across an ocean and away from his coach before two major competitions.  He is here and hasn’t expressed one word of regret.  Frustration, yes.  Not regret.”

Yuuri’s lip quivered.  “I-I don’t know what to do.”

Phichit’s expression gentled.  “That’s the most sensible thing you’ve said all night.”  Squeezing Yuuri’s hand, he continued.  “First of all, you talk.  Not just the niceties but the uglies.  He needs to know what goes on in your head.  He can’t understand what you haven’t shared.  And if you can’t find the words, you skate, you dance…together.  Get it out in whatever language you both share.  Secondly, you listen.  Listen with your heart, your eyes, your ears.  Listen to what he is conveying, not your head.  And if you don’t know, ask.  Yuuri, I honestly envy you finding someone that loves you as much as that man.  All he wants to do is be there for you.”

“That sounds too simple.”

“Like unraveling a tangle, huh?  You tug a little here, a little there.  Find a loop and give it a pull.  If it tightens up, you move to another angle and eventually it unravels.”

“I don’t know if you are talking about my anxiety or this thing between Victor and me.”

“Isn’t it basically the same thing?”

Yuuri nodded.  He drew in a shaky breath.  “Where do I find him?”

“He left for the rink not long before you called me.  He…is a lot like you that way…working through his struggles with his art.”

“Okay.  I’ll go to him.”

“Wait.  Take this.”  Phichit handed him the pizza box.  “I suspect you haven’t eaten and I know he didn’t eat supper.”

“Thank you.”  Yuuri hugged him and turned to the door.  Phichit watched him leave with an indulgent smile.

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri arrived at the rink and approached the barrier.  Victor was lost in his skating, the subdued light adding to his ethereal appearance.  The choreography was unfamiliar to Yuuri but he found himself transfixed, watching the sublime movements of the other.  Victor wrapped up in a prayer and it was then that he realized he was being watched and turned to meet brown eyes with blue.  He skated to the barrier cautiously.

“I thought you were spending time with Phichit,” Victor stated quietly.

“He finished knocking sense into me and sent me with dinner to you.”

Victor leaned over the barrier, pressing forehead to forehead.  “I was tempted to do the same.”

“I was locked up in my thoughts.  I’m sorry.”

“That’s the part that’s killing me.  I don’t know why you keep telling me you are sorry.  You have nothing to be sorry for.”

Yuuri sniffed then shoved the tears away with the heels of his hands.  “I keep hurting you.”

“What hurts me is when you pull away and don’t talk because I don’t know what to do.”

“I…it was a smell.”

Victor narrowed his eyes in confusion.

“I woke up last night and took Makka for a walk.  You had a nightmare and had finally settled back down.  But I was still keyed up.  So we went outside to the dog park.  I was fine.  Then I heard a branch snap and smelled a sweet smell.  I don’t know…it…I was back there.”  Victor held onto Yuuri as he fought through it all.  “I ran.  I couldn’t run before.  I couldn’t get away.  Last night I ran.  Then I realized I had Makka and Makka was worried.  I stopped.  I kept apologizing.  I’m sorry, Makka, I’m sorry.”  He was gasping for air as it tumbled out.

“When I arrived, you were saying ‘I’m sorry, Victor.’  You keep telling me you’re sorry.”

“It’s my fault.  You can’t sleep through the night because of me.  I am the reason you have nightmares.  I am the reason y-you had to leave everything behind.   It’s my fault and I’m so messed up.  I don’t know why you stay.  And then this voice came in and told me you’d leave me.”

Victor shook his head.  “I’m not going anywhere, Yuuri.  I don’t want to be anywhere.  You are my Yuuri.”

“Y-you decided something last night.  I c-could tell.”

Victor’s lips tightened in a line.  “If you had asked me what I was thinking, I would have told you.  I have been talking to Ashley about Cocoa.  She told me to think about it.  I decided last night you needed a companion trained to help you through your anxiety.  Makka can help but she is older and not trained.  I even talked to Ashley about training Makka but she seemed to think Makka was too old as well.  Cocoa was trained with you in mind.”

“I can’t afford her and I travel so much.”

“The cost is covered.  She will have papers.  You can take her on the plane with you.  If you want, she can travel to 4CC with you.  If not, Ashley said she’ll watch her.  She is watching Makka for me.”

“That’s too much, Victor.”

“You are priceless, _zolotse_.  Do you not think I’d spend any amount to make you feel safe?”

Yuuri sniffed.  “Cocoa is mine?”

“Yes.  I know it is soon after the loss of your last poodle but I believe you need her.”

“Can we get her tonight?”

Victor’s warm laugh vibrated through the both of them as he embraced Yuuri across the barrier.  “Of course.  We can text Ashley on our way home.”

Yuuri relaxed in his embrace.  “I’m sorry I’m so messed up, Victor.”

“You are not messed up.  And you do not have to apologize for being you.  Your anxiety is a part of you.  I may not always know what to do but I’m not going to let it chase me away.  I’ll learn how to better love you with time.”

Yuuri looked up at him, his eyes wide.  “You love me?”

“Of course I love you, my beautiful Yuuri.  Look at all I’ve done to be here with you.”

“I…don’t feel worthy of your love, Victor,” Yuuri breathed.

“Did you catch my skate?”

Yuuri nodded, startled by the change in subject.  “It is beautiful.  You haven’t performed it before.”

“It’s still a work in progress…one of several pieces I’ve been considering.  This one is to _On Love:  Agape_.  I think of you when I skate to it.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Here.  Listen.”  Victor shared the earpiece and started the song.  Yuuri closed his eyes and listened. 

“It’s so pure.”

“Agape is unconditional love.  My love for you is without condition, Yuuri.  I don’t believe I truly existed until I found you.”

Yuuri pushed more tears from his cheeks.  “I’m going to fall apart.  Over and over again.  It’s not a matter of if, but when.  You have to know this.”

“And I’ll be there to help you pick up the pieces.  Again and again.”

“Can I see it?  Your skate to _Agape_?”

Victor smiled and nodded.  “If you want to hook it up to the sound system, I’ll skate to the music.  It’s still a work in progress, I warn you.”

Yuuri hit play and watched Victor move in an ethereal dance to the angelic chorus.  He struggled knowing he inspired such a beautiful program.  When Victor returned to his side, his eyes were warm.  “What do you think?”

“I-I am humbled.  I’m also…feeling lightheaded.  Will you come over here and join me for dinner.  I haven’t eaten since breakfast.”

“Yuuri!” Victor admonished.

“I know.  I was so wound up that I had no appetite.  Now I’m famished.”

Victor pulled on his guards and followed Yuuri to the break room the skaters used.  Water bottles joined the pizza and soon they devoured the contents, both hungry after settling the day’s struggles.

“Let’s walk home and get Cocoa,” Victor suggested.

“I haven’t hardly skated today.”

“I think you’ve abused yourself enough for one day.”

Yuuri looked up in surprise.  “You went to the studio?”

“I had to know you were safe.”

“You’re as bad as Phichit.”

“Possibly worse,” Victor conceded.  “But at least I’m in good company.”

“The best,” Yuuri answered, slipping an arm around his waist and leaning into the shelter of his embrace.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 4CC is coming up!


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before they part...
> 
> They are preparing to leave for their respective competitions and Victor is forced to face an important truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I went through the first 19 chapters with some minor edits and to make the timeline more consistent.
> 
> As far as 20 goes, transition chapters are the worst! I rewrote this three times. I hope you enjoy it. As always critiques are welcome as well. I love hearing from you all.

* * *

 

 

Victor woke up and tightened his embrace around Yuuri.  These days, his room was for when Yuuri needed space and changing clothes.  He glanced down at their bed mates.  Makka curled up in the crook of his legs, head resting on his knees.  Cocoa stretched along Yuuri’s back, her nose against the back of his head.  When they picked her up last night, Ashley promised Yuuri the paperwork so he could take her on the plane for free and would have no trouble at the hotel and in public places.  They had to alert the airlines they had a service dog today and he mentally added it to the list.

The morning would be running and skate practice.  Yuuri arranged for one of the second years to rehearse the corps while he was gone.  Otherwise dance rehearsals were suspended until after 4CCs.  They would leave in two days, Phichit and Yuuri to 4CC and Victor to Russia.  Victor hated to be apart from Yuuri but had to trust Phichit and Celestino to look over him.

He drowsily brushed kisses over Yuuri’s forehead and hairline.  Yuuri instinctively moved close into his space and a smile teased his lips as he watched his lover slowly wake up.  The alarm would sound soon and he can imagine Yuuri already asking for a few more minutes. 

The smell of coffee alerted Victor that Phichit was already up.  Makka heard his movements as well and lifted her head to look towards the door.  Victor reached a hand down and Makka turned her head into his touch enjoying the morning pets. 

The alarm slowly filtered music back into the room.  He enjoyed watching Yuuri wake up slowly.  His muscles would jerk a little at first.  Then Victor could feel his hand slide over his chest and around his side to hug him close.  Finally he would stretch and arch his body, blinking his eyes open.  This morning met him with a smile.  “Hello,” whispered Yuuri as his eyes came into focus.

“Good morning, _lyubov moya_ ,” Victor returned with a tender smile.  “No alarm?”

Yuuri wrinkled his nose thoughtfully, closing one eye and opening it before shaking his head.  “Nope.  I slept well last night for a change.”

“Good.  Shall we see what Phichit is doing to the kitchen and take our babies out?”

Yuuri’s face lit up remembering.  He turned to greet Cocoa who gave him a good morning lick on the nose.  “Good morning, baby,” he cooed in response, offering her morning pets. 

Victor smiled fondly towards them even as Makka crawled up into his arms for attention.  “Okay, Makka, let’s go out.”

Phichit looked up as they joined him and grinned.  “How did she do?”

“Slept all night snuggled up to Yuuri,” Victor stated.

“I’ll make breakfast while you two take them out.”

“Thank you, Phichit,” Yuuri responded, hugging his friend good morning.  Phichit’s eyes widened before he returned the hug knowing the thanks was for more than breakfast.  Phichit then felt a hand squeeze his shoulder and looked up to see gratitude filled blue eyes beyond Yuuri’s shoulder.

“You’re welcome, boys.  Now hurry.  Busy day ahead!”

They slipped on slippers and coats to take care of morning business.  Dogs on leashes, they were out the door and headed down the stairs quickly.

“Should I take her to the rink?”

“I think it might be good.  Especially if you plan to take her to Four Continents.”

“I don’t want to overwhelm her,” Yuuri fussed uncertainly.

“Her job is to keep you from being overwhelmed.  Let her do what she is trained to do and she’ll be much happier for it.  That’s what Ashley stressed last night when we picked her up.”

Yuuri nodded.  “You’re right.  She’s with me to help me out.”

“Ashley is going to be working with you over the next few weeks but you already know the commands so she thinks you won’t need too much training.”

“You’ve really talked a lot about this with her.”

“I’ve been thinking about it for a while.”

“I’m glad you pushed me to take her.”

“I only want good things for you, my Yuuri.”

Yuuri blushed and averted his eyes to watch Cocoa interact with Makka.  He lifted his voice and called her to his side.  She immediately left Makka and came to heel next to him.  “Good girl,” Yuuri praised softly petting her head.

 

* * *

 

 

Phichit held Cocoa’s lead as Yuuri stepped out onto the ice.   Celestino could already tell a difference in Yuuri’s headspace and watched intently as he ran through his program.  He made note of every flaw for Yuuri to work through in the evening with Victor.  Still, the flaws were minor and the program polished.  The improvement in Yuuri’s jump confidence was evident.  His step sequences and spins, flawless.

Yuuri came to the barrier and listened to his coach’s critique as he slipped on his guards.  Victor stood at his coach’s elbow and added his input, taking in what they would be working on that evening.  Celestino would meet them at seven.  Yuuri knelt before Cocoa as she explored the smells her owner brought off the ice.  He led her to the barrier and she heeled to his side.  So far, she was handling the environment well.  

Yuuri and Cocoa moved towards the dressing room, a mental list going through Yuuri’s head of things he needed to complete before leaving including homework and packing.  Victor had called the airline earlier and made sure they would be able to accommodate Cocoa.  Yuuri absently dressed and gathered his gear before leaving the dressing room.  Approaching the barrier, he waited for Victor to finish.

Victor skated up and met him, dropping his forehead to Yuuri’s.  “Are you headed home?”

“I’ve got so much to do and exams tomorrow since I will be gone for a week.”

“I know.  Text me to let me know you made it please.”

“I will.  Don’t worry.”

He lifted Yuuri’s chin.  “I’m going to worry.  So text me.”   He kissed Yuuri’s nose and winked.  Yuuri could only nod and watch him skate away. 

 

* * *

 

Hours later, Victor arrived with Phichit to find Yuuri in his room in the middle of his bed with notes everywhere.  His suitcase was half packed.  Cocoa popped her head up as he entered from beneath a few pages.  “What happened?”

“I couldn’t find what I needed.  So I started sorting.  Two hours later, this happened.”

“Do you have test anxiety as well?”

“No.  Not really.  I just don’t know why I took French Lit.”

“What are you looking for?”

“Notes on Voltaire.”

“They were in the red binder.” 

Yuuri looked up at him in surprise.  “How do you know that?”

“You organize based on style.  Voltaire is a philosopher.  So all philosophy is in the red notebook.  I don’t understand it but I did take note of it.

Yuuri crossed the room to the bookshelf and found the red binder and subsequently the notes.  He returned and continued on the study guide.  “I hate that I have to do this, Victor.  I’d rather spend time with you.”

“Do what you need to do in order to graduate.  We’ll make up for it afterwards.”

“What did I do to deserve you?”  Victor came around and brushed a kiss at the corner of his eye. 

“Phichit is studying, too.  Why don’t I order in dinner?”

“Yes, please.  Something not on our diet.”

Victor laughed.  “Perhaps this once,” he agreed.

 

* * *

 

 

An hour later, Victor made sure his boys were fed and left them to their studies while he worked on packing.  He had Skype up and Chris keeping him company.

Chris inquired, “So your flights are within an hour of each other?”

“I wish they were together, as in my going to Four Continents.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“Europeans are the very next week.  Yakov has requested, no demanded, my presence in Russia.”

“You don’t sound happy about it.”

Victor got up and closed his door before returning to the desk that held his computer.  “I’m worried about Yuuri is all.  It’s been two months since…since…”  Victor closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  “Since…he was…raped.”

“Is that the first time you’ve said it?”

“It’s difficult.”

“Yuuri’s a fighter…you’ve seen that.”

“Yes…I just hate…I turned my back on him a moment…”

“So this is about your own struggle.”

Victor’s mouth opened in surprise.  “Am I being selfish?” he finally asked.

“No.  But you aren’t dealing with your own mental health.  It will eventually affect both of you.”

“You were there that night, too,” Victor stated almost accusingly.

Chris was quiet for a moment before he answered, “And Andre’ had me in counseling the moment the nightmares surfaced.  I’m not past them but I suspect I’m much closer than you.”

Victor dropped to the chair in front of the computer.  “How can I seek help before Yuuri?”

“Yuuri hasn’t been to a counselor?”

“No.  We’ve all been dealing with it together.”

“Except you’re not,” Chris pointed out.  “You can barely say the word.  This is going to unravel on you both if you don’t get the help you need.”

“Not now.  There’s just so much.  Competition.  Yuuri’s senior recital.  Graduation.  Where we go from there.  When do we fit it in?”

“I don’t know but you are standing in a house of cards unless you do.  You have to, Victor…for his sake as well as yours.”

“But I’m fine.”

“Do you have nightmares?  Do you sometimes find yourself reliving the events?  Do you change the topic when it comes up?  Are you on edge? Tense? Have difficulty sleeping?  Easily startled?  Distorted feelings of guilt?  Negative thoughts?  Overprotective?  Am I hitting nerves here, Vitya?”  Victor tensed with each question and Chris could see his chin drop slowly.  “And what about Yuuri?”

“I-I don’t know what to do,” Victor confessed almost in a whisper.

“I know…that’s why I refuse to hold back.  I care too much about you.  The words Post Traumatic Stress Disorder apply here…to you as well as Yuuri.  It doesn’t go away on its own.”

“Yuuri says anxiety meds affect his skating.  What if they want to medicate him?”

“There are many alternatives.  Research.  You came there to help.  I think it’s time to make the next proactive step.”

“We’re going to be apart for two weeks.”

“I know.  A good time to reevaluate and strategize.”

Victor nodded slowly.  Chris could see the quiver in Victor’s lip and knew he was hurting. 

“Go, Victor.  Snuggle up with your boyfriend.  I’m sorry I hurt you.  Hard truths.”

Victor nodded.  Sighing, he whispered, “Good night, Chris.  See you in Stockholm.”

 

* * *

 

 

Victor peeked in his boyfriend’s room.  Yuuri looked up to catch the stormy expression.  He had cleaned up his mess earlier and patted the bed beside him, setting his notes to the side.  “What’s wrong?”

“Chris…”

“Did you have a fight?”

“He says…I’m not dealing with this.”  His expressive hands spread out then touched his head.

Yuuri tightened his mouth before answering gently, “You’re not.  Nor am I, really.  We’ve been sweeping it under the carpet and ignoring it.”

“Should we seek counseling?”

Yuuri chewed on his lower lip before responding quietly, “I think neither of us is going to move past our nightmares otherwise.”

Victor reached towards him.  “I’ve been trying to be strong for you.”

“Oh, Vitya, you don’t have to be strong for me.  You just have to be there for me.  That’s all I ask.  If we fall apart together, we’ll help pick each other back up.”

“I didn’t want to burden you with anything else, Yuuri.  You went through so much…you have so much on your shoulders right now.  I want to be of help to you.”

“And you are…very much of help.  But if we are in a relationship, doesn’t that mean we also share each other’s burdens?”

“Both Sasha and Chris would say that the reason I fail at relationships is that I have trouble letting the other in,” Victor confessed quietly.  “I’m excellent at taking care of the other person…”

“And you cover your own pain with a smile,” Yuuri finished quietly.  “I don’t want you to be in pain but if you are, I want you to know you can share it with me.”

“Even if it is directly related to what happened?  We never really talk about it.”

Yuuri reached under the edge of the bed and drew out a journal.  “I write about it.  I have it broken down.  Details, shreds of memories.  Nightmares.  Fears.  Then, after you came, you told me to celebrate the victories no matter how small.  So I have this section.  Victories.”  He handed over the journal.  “It is so easy to get lost in this part.” He motioned the first portion.  “However, the second part is where we live.  The rest is just headspace.  It’s in the past.  We can’t change it.  It is no more useful than my anxiety.”

Victor turned page after page.  At first, he could see the tormented thoughts.  Then things began to clear up.  The handwriting in the first half seemed stressed.  In the second half, he saw the edges of the words soften.  Doodles on the edge indicated moods.  He could see the happy moments.  He could see this was where he fought the battles.  He could see his name mentioned so many times.  Handing it back, he asked, “Are you better?”

“I have good days and bad days.  But now I talk.  Now I dance.  Now I skate.  You helped me find my words again, Victor, in all the ways I communicate.”

“So I’m at least helping?”

“You doubted that?”

“I didn’t get you into a counselor.”

“How could you?  You couldn’t even see that you yourself needed one.”

Victor curled up into Yuuri’s embrace.  “I’m sorry, Yuuri.”

“Don’t be sorry, Vitya.  Please don’t be sorry.  We do the best we can until we know better.  Then we do better.”

“You leave in two days and I feel like I’m sending you away unarmed.”

“I have a Phichit,” Yuuri reminded him.  “And he’ll keep you well informed of all of my activities.”

Victor laughed at that, shoving away his tears.  “I’m sorry I’m falling apart at the worst time.  You need to study.”

“I find we never fall apart at a good time.  It’s okay.  You are more important.”  He glanced at his notes.  “Besides, some classes you just hope to pass.”

Victor laughed again.  “I’m sure you’ll do more than pass.  You’ve worked hard on that class.  You have five different binders of notes!”

Yuuri tilted his head and shrugged.  “It was a bit more of a class than I anticipated.  At least the other two are easy for me.  French Lit.  What was I thinking?”

“At least you have someone who speaks fluent French and loves to read.”

“There is that.”

 

 

 

Two days later found them all at the airport.  Victor held onto Yuuri until the last moment.  Phichit met his eyes just before he boarded the plane and offered him an encouraging smile.  Yuuri blew him a kiss and disappeared down the tarmac.  His flight would leave in another hour and he made his way down to the lounge to wait.  Two weeks…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE #1: I’m adjusting the period of when EFSC and 4CC occurred. Original, the 2015 Euros was 26 Jan – 1 Feb in Stockholm, Sweden; while the 4CC was 10 Feb – 15 Feb, in Seoul, S. Korea. I am adjusting Euros to actually hit the week after 4CC. I just wanted you to know that this was a conscious choice and not from a lack of research.
> 
> The Worlds would be held 23-29 Mar in Shanghai, China. I’ll keep true to those dates.
> 
> NOTE #2: Wayne State University in Detroit, Michigan, offers a BFA in Dance. Wayne State, however, is on the Semester system which would put graduation in May…post-Worlds. However, this seems the most likely option for study.
> 
> I have gone back and editing Yuuri’s University to the semester system, rather than quarter. It won’t affect anything significant other than a word here or there in the previous chapters but I wanted to make you aware as I move forward. This is why Yuuri’s graduation is moving out as well as the recital.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor goes to Russia as Yuuri leaves for 4CC to work personally with Yakov and wrap up preparations for Euros.

* * *

 

**St. Petersburg, Russia**

 

Victor walked into the rink amidst greetings from his rinkmates and a sour expression from Yakov.  “Come, Vitya.  Let’s see what damage you’ve done.”

“You’ve seen me skate every day,” Victor protested.

“It’s not the same,” insisted Yakov.  “Get on the ice and warm up.  I want to see your program.”

Victor made an initial couple of rounds.  Mila skated up and turned circles around him.  “How is love treating you?”

Victor’s eyes widened in surprise.

Another pass and he found himself facing a scowling 15-year-old blond.  “Yuri!  How are you?”

“Get your priorities straight, geezer,” he shouted back.

It was on the third round when Georgi skates up to him to talk about his latest love that he realized what was wrong.  They didn’t know why Victor left.  They didn’t know about Sochi and the rape.  They didn’t know that Victor found him and stayed with him until the paramedics took him away, only to rejoin him as soon as the police cleared him.  No, they didn’t know and it wasn’t for him to tell. 

It was here that he realized he wouldn’t be able to heal in Russia.  He couldn’t talk about it.  Not like he could with his new friends in Detroit.  Each one of them approached him, offering to listen as he fought through his own battles.  He rarely took them up on it but the comfort of knowing these people know allowed him to relax around them.

If he falls apart in Russia, his rinkmates will assume it is just dramatics about being separated from his boyfriend.  They wouldn’t understand that said boyfriend had been hysterically mute until he found his voice again.  They wouldn’t understand that said boyfriend already had a diagnosis of anxiety and should be diagnosed with PTSD.  They certainly wouldn’t understand that Victor himself struggled with many of the signs of PTSD. 

Victor closed his eyes as he settled into the center.  The others moved to the peripheral to watch.  Were they waiting to see if he failed?  To see if he had chosen his dick over his career?  He pushed those thoughts aside and refocused his thoughts.  He then pushed off and wound his way through his choreography.  The music embraced his thoughts and he lost himself in the story, allowing the emotion to guide him as much as the program.  Yuuri taught him to open up and he laced that into his skate program, intermingling another layer into the story. 

As he flowed into his final pose, he held it breathless, afraid to look around, afraid to look at Yakov.  Slowly he relaxed his stance and turned to see the others regarding him in silence.  Yakov waved him over to his side.  As Victor approached, he saw Yakov’s hand on his forehead like he was fighting a headache.  Victor winced.  “That bad?”

Yakov looked surprised.  “No.  You have corrections to make but no.  Put on your guards and meet me in my office.”

That tension that should float away did not.  _Why the privacy of his office?  Was something wrong with Yuuri?_

Victor followed him in and closed the door.  Yakov turned to face him, studying him with worry.  “What’s wrong?”

“That’s what I’m hoping you’ll tell me.  Victor, you were crying on the rink.  What’s going on?”

“I was what?”  Victor touched his cheeks and for the first time felt the remnant of tears.  “Oh.  I didn’t know.”

“What’s going on in your head?”

He shrugged, flopping in the chair in front of the desk.  “I just realized I was cut off from everyone that knows what is going on.  They think I was just following my dick.”

“You’ve been accused of worse.  Why does this bother you?”

Victor raised his hand over his mouth, considering the question.  “It’s not just a simple answer.  If Yuuri hadn’t been attacked, I still think I would have eventually sought him out.  But…later.  After World’s perhaps.  I don’t know.  But he was attacked.  And I have been very much involved with helping him to pick up the pieces.  And…he’s amazing, Yakov.  He refuses to let them take anything else from him.  He fights every day…and all they see is a man who fell apart due to his anxiety and grief...all they see is a man who lost his head after consuming too much alcohol.  I hate that they think so little of him.  I hate that they see him as my latest conquest.”

Yakov studied him before giving him a slow nod.  “Okay, now that we’ve dealt with the surface concerns, what else is going on?”

Victor’s mouth opened in surprise.  He didn’t expect Yakov to push deeper.  He closed his eyes drawing strength from his lover.  Yuuri would find a way to answer that question, especially if he knew it was because his coach cares.  And Yakov is the closest to a father he has and didn’t even fight him when he left to go to Yuuri’s side.  He dropped his head into his hand.  It wasn’t until the sob escaped that he realized he was shaking.  It wasn’t until a hand was on his shoulder, that he realized that someone else had entered the room.  He then heard Yakov’s wife Lilia’s soothing voice.

He finally looked up and met their eyes, his surrogate parents.  “I didn’t hear you come in.”

“Yakov had me meet him here.  I was delayed but slipped in quietly.  I know about your Yuuri, Victor.”

“I…almost didn’t come back.”

“We weren’t sure if you would,” Yakov admitted quietly.  “Do you know why I demanded it?”

“To make sure my skating was in order for competition,” Victor stated.

“No,” Yakov stated.  “I wanted to see for myself if you were taking care of yourself.”

“I don’t understand.”

“We’ve slowly watched you fall apart while you were here,” Lilia observed.  “We hoped if we let you go, you would come back together.  We don’t think that is the case.”

“I’m going back after the competition,” Victor stated, looking from one to the other.

The husband and wife met each other’s eyes.  Yakov nodded, adding, “There is nothing we can do to prevent that and punishing you would not solve the problem at hand.  Vitya, you need help.  You aren’t dealing with this.”

“Has my skating suffered?”

“No, not yet.  But at the rate you are going, you are headed towards a breakdown,” Lilia stated.  “You can’t hold it inside.  It will eventually explode.”

“It’s not like I can talk about it.  It is very personal…and it isn’t my personal business.  It’s Yuuri’s and my job is to protect him.”

Yakov closed his eyes, processing those words.  “Vitya, if you don’t take care of yourself, you cannot hope to take care of another.”

“He’s done so much better since I arrived.  He has this journal.  It spells it out.”

“And when you run out?  When there is nothing of you to give?  What then?” Yakov’s voice rose with each question.  Victor’s eyes widened for he could see that Yakov wasn’t angry. 

Victor closed his eyes to think and unconsciously pulled at his hair.  He didn’t notice at first the hands working the knots out of his shoulders.  “I don’t know how to help myself,” he finally confessed.  “I thought that…I thought that if I could help Yuuri, the rest would fix itself.  I don’t know what to do, Yakov.”

His coach studied him and chose his words carefully.  “So you admit that you need help.”

Victor nodded slowly.

“Then we can help you.  Lilia?”

“I am taking you to a crisis counselor, Vitya,” her voice directed.  “They are expecting you.  They also know you won’t be continuing your therapy with them but will help you find the resources you need, and possibly resources your Yuuri needs, in Detroit.  This happened in Russia.  We should help resolve it.  Do you agree?”

Victor looked up, his eyes wide but then nodded.  “I’ll go…I don’t know what else to do.”

“Good.  And both Yakov and I will listen to you when you need to talk about this.  You don’t have to go through this alone, Victor.  You are allowed to lean on someone else.”

“I’ve always been the one everyone leaned on,” he confessed.

“We know,” Yakov stated.  “You are everyone’s big brother.  But sometimes even you need help.”

“I need help,” Victor admitted, his voice shaking.

Lilia wrapped her arms around him.  “Come with me, Vitya.  Let us see to you.”

Victor allowed her to lead him out of the office and out to her car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is important to build a good support system...people who notice when you go into crisis. People strong enough to push you towards the help that you need.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri is in Seoul, S.Korea, for 4CCs.

* * *

 

 

**Seoul, S. Korea**

 

Yuuri and Phichit stared at the higher end details of the room upgrade.  “Yuuri, I think I am in love with your boyfriend,” Phichit whispered.

“Me, too,” Yuuri stated.  Meeting his eyes, he sighed.  “Too bad he can’t enjoy it with us.”

“Because it’s not awkward to share with a couple.”

Yuuri shrugged uncomfortably.  “It’s not like we have…we haven’t even kissed.  Not truly.  Not on the lips.”

“What?  But he sleeps with you!”  Open mouthed surprise covered his expression.

“I know.  We sleep, snuggle, talk…but not sex.”

Phichit sat on the bed across from Yuuri.  “Are you upset about this?”

“He says he’s giving me time to be ready.  I’m not sure…he’s ready.  Or maybe he’s afraid I’ll break.”

Phichit considered the problem.  “You know what you need?  Traffic lights.”

Yuuri wrinkled his nose in confusion.

“Green, all is go.  Yellow, you slow down, stop, and talk about it.  Red, it’s a full stop.  It gives you language to move forward but to set the pace.”

“What if I can’t go forward?”

“You won’t know until you try.”

Yuuri turned and stretched across the bed, the long trip catching up to him.  “Victor suggested counseling.”

“How do you feel about that?”

“Dr. Standridge handled my anxiety but he doesn’t feel approachable about this.  He’s so…traditional.  To be honest, I don’t know where to go.”

“What do you want from a counselor?”

Yuuri considered the question as he turned on his side.  He patted the bed and invited Cocoa to climb up with him.  “I want to be able to kiss my boyfriend.  I also want to not have nightmares.  I want to know what they look like so that I don’t look around and wonder if they are here.  I want to look at my boyfriend and not feel guilty that he is suffering because I called him when I needed help.  I want to be able to say it…to say that I was…to say…”  He drifted off, squeezing his eyes together as tears threatened to gather.  “Somedays I can say it, Phichit.  But for some reason it is hard at other times.”

Phichit stretched out in his own bed across from Yuuri.  “I think a counselor is a good idea, one that works with rape survivors.  And I think Victor needs to go as well.”

“Will they see me?  Will they recognize that I was…raped?”  He choked out that last word but he got it out. 

“If you asked twenty years ago, I’d say that I wouldn’t know.  But now, there is more awareness.”

“You still never hear of it.  Statistically speaking, it goes unreported.”

“I know but you did report it,” Phichit stated.

“Because I had to have medical care.  The rape kit was almost as demeaning.  I couldn’t understand the physician.  My coach was sent out of the room.  Victor hadn’t arrived.  I was terrified.  I almost wished I didn’t need help, that I could have hidden myself away in my room.”

“You couldn’t have hidden it forever.”

“I suppose not,” Yuuri admitted.  He rolled on his back and ran his hands over his face, resting his fingers over his eyes.  “I miss him.  Already.  And it’s only the first night.”

“Are you going to text him?”

“I’m not allowed to get on my phone before competition.”

“Let’s make a pact.  No social media or internet but texting your boyfriend is allowed.”

Yuuri crawled across his bed and retrieved his phone.  Powering it on, it took it a moment to catch up.  Closing his eyes, he handed it to Phichit. 

“Okay, I’m turning off your notifications.  What else do you want me to do?”

“Password lock the apps.”

It only took Phichit a short time before he had it in order.  Handing the phone back, he stated, “I think your boyfriend is trying to reach you.”

He took the phone back and opened text messages.  Several good lucks from family and friends.  However, the first was from Victor.  Several messages already.

 

**_V/ Have you arrived already?_ **

**_V/ Yuuri, why don’t you answer me?_ **

**_V/ Phichit just told me you lock your phone for competition.  Why didn’t we talk about that?_ **

**_V/ I’m headed to the rink.  I’m not sure what Yakov will tell me._ **

**_V/ …_ **

**_V/ I’m being driven to see a crisis counselor._ **

**_Y/ What?  Did something happen?_ **

**_V/ You unlocked your phone!_ **

**_Y/ Phichit locked my apps away and turned off notifications._ **

**_V/ Yakov didn’t have me come back for skating.  He…_ **

**_V/ Yakov was worried about me._ **

**_Y/ I’ve been worried about you._ **

**_V/ I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to worry everyone.  I thought I could be strong for everyone._ **

**_Y/ If you get help, I’ll get help.  Agreed?_ **

**_V/ Okay.  I don’t think I’m given a choice, though.  Lilia is scarier than Yakov._ **

**_Y/ Of course she is.  She’s married to Yakov._ **

**_V/  Good point._ **

**_V/ Will you leave this on?_ **

**_Y/ Yes.  You can reach me now._ **

**_V/ Good.  I hate being away from you.  It kills me to be cut off from you._ **

**_V/ We are here.  I’ll text or call later._ **

 

Yuuri looked up from his phone to find Phichit engrossed in his.  “H-he’s going to see a counselor.”

“When he gets back home?”

“No.  Now.  As in, he’s walking in the building.”

“Hmmm.  So what are you going to do?”

“I told him if he gets help, I’ll get help.  I mean, it’s the least I can do since he flew half way around the world for me.”

“And not because you need it or anything,” Phichit supplied as he studied his nails.

“At this point, they will make me a case study in some textbook.”

“I think I read that one.”

At this point, Yuuri rose up on his bed and chunked the first pillow.  The fight was on because serious talk should always be followed by a pillow fight.  They finally collapsed in fits of giggles. 

“Where’s Cocoa?” Phichit asked.

“Hiding from us.  Here, Cocoa,” he called.  “Come here, baby,” he added.  The chocolate brown poodle poked her head out of the bathroom.  “I’m sorry, Cocoa, but Uncle Phichit just had his ass owned in a pillow fight.”

Phichit rolled his eyes.  “You wish.  There will be a rematch before this stay is over.”

“I’m counting on it,” Yuuri challenged.

“So do we know who is here yet?”

“Guang Hong checked in half an hour ago.  No word from Seung-gil.”

“Did you ever get him to network with you?”

“I’m still working on him.  I like a challenge.”  Phichit’s eyes glowed at the prospect.  “Oh! Leo just checked in!  Let’s see if Guang Hong and Leo want to grab dinner together.”

Soon they met up with a few familiar faces, Yuuri not even fighting the social maelstrom known as Phichit.

 

**_V/ How are you doing?_ **

**_Y/ Phichit has dragged me out.  Guang Hong is making sure we understand the difference between real Chinese food and what we see in the States.  Although, I’m not sure why we aren’t having Korean._ **

**_V/ I’m jealous!_ **

**_Y/ Vitya, are you okay?_ **

**_V/ …_ **

**_V/ …_ **

**_Y/ It’s taking you so long.  I’m getting worried._ **

**_V/ Yes and no.  I am carrying my emotions close to the surface right now._ **

**_Y/ Are you alone?_ **

**_V/ Sasha is working on an art piece.  He keeps giving me looks.  I’ll be alone when he leaves._ **

**_V/ His boyfriend doesn’t like the idea of him staying in the guest room while I’m here._ **

**_Y/ Trust issues?_ **

**_V/ Apparently.  I keep thinking it won’t last but it’s been two years._ **

**_Y/ Does that bother you?_ **

**_V/ Now whose jealous.  ;)_ **

**_Y/ I have anxiety.  :p_ **

**_V/ That’s your story?_ **

**_Y/ Mmmhmm_ **

**_V/ God, I want to hold you!_ **

**_Y/ I miss you, too._ **

**_[Photo]_ **

**_Y/ The boys and Cocoa say hi!_ **

**_V/ I don’t see my Yuuri!_ **

**_Y/ ;) later FaceTime?_ **

**_V/ Yeeesss!_ **

**_Y/ When I get back to the room._ **


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They talk.

* * *

 

**Seoul, S. Korea**

 

Phichit showered and changed to his sleep pants and shirt.  “Are you sure you don’t want to join us in Leo’s room?”

“No.  I’m good.  I need some quiet time,” Yuuri deflected.

“Okay, well, text me if you change your mind…or if you need me.”

“I will.  Don’t worry.”

A knock on the door told him that the other two had arrived.  At least he agreed to be escorted to the other room for Yuuri’s peace of mind.

“When did Yuuri become so protective of you?” Leo asked as they walked away.

“Are you two dating?  I mean, you’ve been together for a while…as roommates,” Guang Hong added.

“No, no.  Yuuri has a boyfriend.  He just couldn’t be here at this time.”

“Oh?  It isn’t Victor, is it?”  Guang Hong teased.  When Phichit flinched and flushed, the other two surrounded him.  “What?!!”

“Yes, they are together.  I’m surprised Victor hasn’t put it all over social media.   I’m sure it’s because Yuuri is so private.”

The other two exchanged glances.  Leo opened the door and ushered them into his room.  “That’s…very considerate of him…respecting his privacy like that.”  A look traded between himself and Guang Hong.  Phichit shrugged it off.

“They are like that together…very considerate and accepting of the other person with all of their flaws.”

“So the rumors that he was in America are true?” Leo asked.

“Y-yes.  He’s been staying with us in Detroit.”

“So is he not with Yakov anymore?” Guang Hong pursued.

Phichit started squirming.  “There is some kind of agreement between Yakov and Celestino.  I can’t really say much more.  I’ve probably already shared too much.”

Leo put a hand on Phichit’s shoulder.  “Don’t worry.  We’ll keep this under wraps until they go public.  That at least explains why they were texting back and forth at dinner.”

“Thanks.  Both of you.  Now, movie time.”

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri stretched out on the bed, his fingers slipping through Cocoa’s curls, staring at his phone.  He closed his eyes, mentally preparing for Victor.  Opening his eyes, he stared out the window.  Too much light to see the stars but the cityscape lit up the night.  “Vitya,” he whispered.  _How can I help you when I’m barely holding myself together?  God!  That must be how you are feeling right now.  Two broken posts trying to keep each other standing._   He finally pressed the FaceTime app.

“Yuuri,” Victor’s voice came through the speakers, velvet and grounding.  “I hope I didn’t worry you today.”

“Maybe a little?” Yuuri murmured.

“Are you in bed?”

“Yes.  Phichit is watching a movie with Guang Hong and Leo.”

“I don’t know them very well.  They just came out of Juniors, didn’t they?”

“They are young.  Not eighteen, even.  Phichit is playing big brother.”

“I’m learning that is my problem,” Victor responded with an eye roll.

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve been everyone’s big brother so long that…I got in the habit of looking out for everyone else.  Not myself.”

“Oh.  Like you do with me.”

“Exactly.  Except, I think you do that a little yourself.”

“It’s…not quite the same.  I just…don’t want to inconvenience anyone.”

“I hope I’m not just ‘anyone’.”

“No.  You’re not.”  Yuuri touched his screen, his face softening.  “I care about you too much.  I worry about you because of that.  It just occurred to me as I laid here that…it’s the same for you.”

“Exactly.”

“I need to tell you something, Vitya.”

“Okay.  I’m listening.”

“I went to see a counselor.  It was after I started leaving the house on my own.  I went to a rape crisis counselor.  I was…asked to leave.  I was…told that I made the women who came for help uncomfortable.  I felt…invalidated, like what happened to me was less.  I know I need help but…I don’t know where to go.”

“Oh, Yuuri.  Why didn’t you say something?”

“Honestly?  I was afraid of how you’d react.  You are so protective of me…and I get it, Victor…Vitya.”

He shoved a hand through his silver hair.  “Honestly, I don’t know how I would’ve reacted either.  Right now, I’m mad.  They should not have treated you that way.”  He drew a steadying breath before continuing.  “The counselor I saw today was different.  She listened.  She is compiling resources for us both in Detroit and Hasetsu.  I’m not sure what else.  I told her we were close to Wayne State University.  When I go back, may I share your experience with her?  Do you mind?”

“If it will get us someplace that won’t discount me, then yes, you can tell her.”

He studied Yuuri's demeanor for a few moments before asking, “How are you?”

“Nervous.  Hyper-alert.  I’m better with people I know but I’m still scanning the people around us.  Sounds make me jump.  Accidental touches make me flinch.”

“I wish I was with you.”

“I know.  I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish the same.  But we both have a job to do.”

“Yes, we do.  Yuuri, it feels strange being back home.  I’m so on guard.”

“Why is that?”

“In Detroit, our circle of friends know what happen.  We may not talk about it but everyone knows.”

“There is a freedom in that.  Celestino called my rinkmates together when we came home and talked to them, explaining that I would need extra support.  He asked my permission to give basic information and I agreed.  So, he told them I was attacked in Sochi.  Of course, they could tell it was traumatic.  I wasn’t talking.  I looked terrified and withdrawn.

“Vitya, your rinkmates know something is going on with you.  They are your family.  You need to tell them.”

“But…it involves you.  It feels wrong.”

“Then…I’m giving you permission.  If that’s what you need, you have permission.  Talk to them.  They can’t help you if they don’t know.”

“God, I miss you, Phichit, Nattie, and Ashley.  I didn’t realize how wound up I became in our circle of friends.”

“Reach out to your friends from before.  They are probably just waiting for you to let them in.”

“What if…the rumor gets out?”

“You don’t think that it has?  I’d be surprised if there weren’t whispers.  No, I’m not denying what happened.  I’m just…not ready to come out to the press with it.  I’m not ready for it to be in the news.  I am just now learning to say the words, to say what happened to me.”  He drew a deep breath and closed his eyes.  “I was raped.”

Victor nodded.  “You were r-raped.  I couldn’t stop it.”

“No, you couldn’t.  You weren’t in the position to stop it.  And Victor?  They drugged me.  It was aerosol, whatever they used.  It would have affected you as well.  I don’t want anyone, especially someone I love, to experience what I went through.  Do you understand?”

“I…still feel guilty.  I failed to protect you.”

“You didn’t fail me if you didn’t have the opportunity.  You haven’t failed me, Vitya.  You never abandoned me.  You held my hand.  You kept reaching out to me.  You helped me find my voice.  You gave me courage to step outside again.  You got me on the dance floor again.  And you led me back to the ice.  In what way is any of that failure?  I wouldn’t be here, competing, if it wasn’t for you.”

“You did all that.  I…”

“You gave me strength.  You grounded me.  You met me half way and became what I needed at any given moment.  God, I couldn’t ask for a better boyfriend, a better friend.  Do not doubt yourself, Vitya.  I love you too much to allow you to abuse yourself.” 

Victor’s breath hitched.  Yuuri watched as the emotions that had been held at bay beneath the surface found their way out.  “Vitya,” he whispered, his fingers reaching towards the screen longing to hold him.

“You’ve never said the words.  I knew it, here,” Victor stuttered, touching his hand to his heart.  “But you never said them.”

“I’m sorry, Vitya.  I should have said them sooner.  I think I whisper them to you every night as you sleep in my arms.  I should have said them where you could hear them.  I love you, Vitya.  I love you.”

“I love you, too, Yuuri.  Very much so.  I know we’ve only been together at most two months, but I have no doubts about my feelings for you.  I find myself thinking about our future.  My next move in life is entwined in yours and what you want.  And I want to be entangled in your future.”

“So do I…I dared not hope.  But…I want that as well, Vitya.”

“Please, trust in my love for you enough to hope, Yuuri.”

“I trust you,” he whispered.  He fought a yawn and rubbed his eyes.

“You need to sleep.  You have practice tomorrow and you were so busy right up until you left.”

“I don’t want to let you go,” he whispered.

“What if I stayed right here until you fell asleep?” Victor offered.

“I love you,” he murmured.

“Good night, _zvezda moya_ ,” Victor responded.  As Yuuri slipped into sleep, he could hear Victor [singing](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SxjBqh3pmg8) softly in the background.  It wasn’t the same lullaby but something traditional, something Russian, something Victor.

 

* * *

 

 

Phichit arrived back at their room and found Yuuri sleeping, phone in hand.  He reached for it and plugged it up beside his own.  Tucking in his friend, he prepared for bed.  Morning would come soon enough.

 

* * *

 

NOTE: 

Here is an English translation of the Russian folk song “[Fly Little Feather](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SxjBqh3pmg8)” that Victor sang to Yuuri as he fell asleep.  Victor sang it in Russian.  I pulled the translation from the link above.

> Fly little feather across a field
> 
> And brush away my sorrows
> 
> Brush the dust from my face
> 
> And turn into my wing.
> 
>  
> 
> If I could have the falcon’s wings,
> 
> Or the strength of a stone.
> 
> If I could have as many brothers
> 
> As the trees in the forest,
> 
> Or could begin my life anew.
> 
>  
> 
> Then I wouldn’t lie in this open field,
> 
> Looking at the clouds in the sky.
> 
> Then I wouldn’t ask this tiny feather
> 
> To chase and brush away my sorrows.
> 
>  
> 
> Fly little feather across a field
> 
> And brush away my sorrows.
> 
> Brush the dust from my face
> 
> And turn it into my wing.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The kitten and the fox butt heads.

* * *

 

**Seoul, S. Korea**

 

The song Victor sang still echoed in Yuuri’s thoughts as he went down to breakfast with Phichit although he didn’t hold onto any of the words.  He tugged at his hair and shifted uncomfortably as they moved into the crowd.  It wasn’t dense but still, he felt like it was harder to breathe.  _I’ve got to get through this.  I have to be able to do this if I’m to skate._

He worried his sleeve cuff as they took a seat in the hotel restaurant.  Celestino said he’d meet them there at seven.  It was a quarter till.

“Should we go ahead and order?” Phichit asked. 

Yuuri nodded, hoping something to eat would occupy his thoughts enough to help him settle down.  He picked up his phone, then put it back down.  It would be almost one in the morning for Victor.

Phichit studied his friend as the waitress approached.  He gave his order and when Yuuri didn’t say anything, he told her to bring the same for him.  She left them alone.  “Bad morning?”

“I don’t know why.  I can’t even tell you where my thoughts are at.”  He huffed in frustration.  “I just feel…crowded in.”

“Should we take our breakfast up to our room?” Phichit suggested.

Yuuri shook his head.  “No.  I can’t retreat now,” he stated with the firmness of a general.  “I can do this.  It’s just taking all of my concentration.  I can’t promise you good company.”

“It’s okay, Yuuri.  I’m here if you need me.  If you need the quiet, that’s fine, too.”

“Thank you.”

Their food arrived before their coach.  “Celestino seems to be running a little late.”

Yuuri nodded, as he worried his lower lip between his thumb and middle finger.  Reaching for his chopsticks, he began working through the meal Phichit ordered for him.  He was lost in his head, fighting down the desire to run.  Someone in the kitchen dropped a tub of dishes causing the tension to crackle through Yuuri’s body.  He met Phichit’s eyes. 

“It’s okay, Yuuri.  Just breathe.  These are just sounds.  Far outside your bubble.  They can’t touch you.  Let’s finish our meal and we can go into the lobby to wait for coach.  Okay?”

Yuuri nods once more and focuses on the meal.  He hands shake but he manages to eat a fair amount before placing his napkin on the table and pushing back.  Phichit knew that was the signal that he had enough.  The meal was charged to their room so they didn’t worry about the check.  As they left to wait in the lobby, Phichit updated their coach with a text.

Another ten minutes and finally Celestino joined them.  “I’m sorry, Yuuri, Phichit.  ISU is up this morning and I was already in a phone call at 6:30.”

“Is everything alright?” Phichit asked.

“Yes, of course.  Just logistics.  They are moving us around to practice.  That means less of a crowd at a the rink.”

“That could be a good thing,” Phichit stated, tilting his head at Yuuri to signal his coach.

“Understood.  Shall we do this?  Maybe we can beat the crowd.  I’ve already called us a cab.”

Yuuri allowed himself to be pulled along.  Twenty minutes later, he found himself at a different rink than he’d be performing in.  “Are we not going to get rink time on the competition surface?”

“Yes.  They are rotating us through.  We have a time slot this afternoon.  Is this better?”  Celestino studied Yuuri for a bit and smiled when he finally received a nod.

“Yes, much better.  I don’t feel so hemmed in.”

“If you start feeling otherwise, I can call around and find us some alone time on the ice.”

“Thank you.”

“Go get warmed up.  I want to see you run through your short program once before people start crowding this rink.”

Yuuri moved away from the barrier and into the rink.  His music shutting out the rest of the world, he began to run through his warm up.  He could see Phichit out of the corner of his eye.  Once he was ready, his coach sent him to the center of the ice where he unfolded the routine.  It was technically fine, though not flawless.  His emotions were shuddered and he knew his movements lacked feeling.  He’ll save that for tomorrow.  Either his emotions will carry him to a win or he’ll crash and burn.  There really was no in between.  Victor reworked his program where he had the technical scores to hold his own.  He just had to hold onto his jumps.  He wrapped up and relinquished the ice to Phichit.

Phone in hand, he looked at the time.  _Almost ten.  Four for Victor.  Would he get up at five or six?_

His coach raised an eyebrow in his direction and he handed over the phone.  “Phichit locked me out of my apps.  I am just texting Victor.”

“No internet, either.  I don’t want you cruising news sources.”

“Yes, coach.”  He turned to watch Phichit’s routine.  He loved the way Phichit skated.  He always looked so joyful and free, his whole body lit up with is his love for the sport.  Never any tension in his lines.

When they wrapped up, his coach returned his phone.  “I think he’s awake.  It just buzzed a moment ago.”

Yuuri opened up the screen to be greeted by a sleepy selfie of his boyfriend.

_**Y/ So glad you were dressed as Celestino had my phone.** _

_**V/ That wouldn’t be awkward at all.** _

_**Y/ That’s how pictures get out on the internet.** _

_**V/ And Yakov is not fond of getting them back.** _

_**Y/ Is it even possible?** _

_**V/ With the right resources.  We don’t question those resources.** _

_**Y/ I see.** _

_**V/ How are you today?** _

_**Y/ Better now.** _

_**V/ Rough morning?** _

_**Y/ Anxiety is fraying at my edges.  Too many people.  I feel crowded in.  We just practiced at a relatively empty rink, though.  That helped.  Celestino is looking for some private rink time this evening to help me work through my anxiety.** _

_**V/ I’m here if you need me.** _

_**Y/ Focus on your practice.  I’ll text but I can be patient.  It’s not so bad that it’s tearing me down.  Just on edge.** _

_**V/ Ok <3 U** _

_**Y/ Love you, too.** _

Yuuri put his phone away with a smile.  Phichit wrapped an arm around his shoulder.  “Must be Victor.  You already look much better.”

Yuuri nodded.  “It’s not as good as in person but he’s doing well supporting me across the distance.”

“It helps that you both haven’t had sex,” Phichit commented

Yuuri’s mouth opened and his face turned beet red.  “Phichit!” he sputtered.  “What’s that…? I don’t…”

Phichit winked.  Yuuri glanced at his coach who pretended he didn’t hear a thing.  He dropped his eyes to study his hands in his lap.

 

* * *

 

**St. Petersburg, Russia**

 

Victor moved to the edge of the rink to hear his corrections.  They were all minor but he skated through the corrections until he received approval from Yakov.  Exiting the rink, he pulled off his skates and moved to the dressing room checking his phone.  Phichit posted an Instagram shot of Yuuri and Cocoa, tagging him.  He saved it. 

He opened his locker and found his dance bag waiting.  He grabbed it so that Lilia could help him with a couple of movements in Yuuri’s choreography.  He had shared with her about Yuuri’s recital on the way back from the crisis center the previous day.  She offered to help him continue to work though his choreography while he was in Russia. 

Now, the bag just made him miss Yuuri, the way he’d lay his clothes out and dress with such care.  He pulled it out of the locker and drew a shaky breath as he moved to change.  He unconsciously laid out his clothes in a similar manner as Yuuri and began to work through the process.  He asked Yuuri why he did it once and was told that ritual helped him focus his thoughts to a more meditative state.  Victor sought that with his movements and did not notice someone had entered until a foot impacted his back, knocking him off balance.

Turning, he glared at Yuri.  “What do you want?”

“I want you to get your head out of your ass and back into the fucking game!”

“You don’t even know what you are talking about.”

“Why do you even care about that pig?  He failed!”

“Again, you don’t know what you are talking about.”

“I was there!  I saw him skate!  Do you think you can fix him?”

“Yuri, I’m warning you.  Back off.”

“You are throwing your career away for a worthless pig!  You might as well retire already!”

“Is that what you want?” Victor’s voice edged, rising slightly.  “For me to retire?  Get out of the way?”

“I want you to get your fucking priorities straight.  Think with your head, not your dick.”

Victor tightened his fist, his temper on edge and he had to keep reminding himself, he’s just a fifteen year old kid.  Still, his body betrayed him.  The first tear fell, then another.  Yuri’s eyes widened followed by his mouth dropping open.

“You know nothing about my priorities,” Victor grated out.  “Yuuri was raped.  The night of the banquet.  I was there after it happened, when they loaded him on a stretcher, talking to the police, following later in the ambulance.  I watched him fight to find words that wouldn’t come out.  I couldn’t walk away from him.  I couldn’t abandon him.  I won’t abandon him.  If that doesn’t fit your shallow definition of priorities, then fuck it.  I don’t answer to you.”

Yuri remained speechless.

Victor walked out of the dressing room taking the stairs two at a time towards the dance studio. 

Lilia looked up when entered, her eyes widening.  She stepped behind him and locked the door.  “What happened?”

“I lost my temper.  Of course, it would be a fifteen-year-old that pushes me over the edge.  I’m better than that.”

Lilia laughed bitterly.  “Yuri sure knows which buttons to push.”

“I-I told him everything.  It just came out.  He’s too young to know these things.  I-I’m sorry.  I…I keep failing.”  He didn’t realize he was shaking.  He didn’t know he was going down towards the ground until he felt Lilia’s arms around him supporting him in his descent.

“Shush now, Victor,” she soothed.  “You did nothing wrong.  He pushed and demanded.  He got what he asked for.  Let it go.”  Victor sobbed in his arms even as she held him, smoothing his hair.

Victor finally pulled himself together.  He stared at his hands as he rested his elbows on his knees bent before him.  “Yuuri gave me permission to talk about it last night.  I…just didn’t plan to do it like that.”

“You’ve bottled it up for some time.  It was begging for release, Vitya.  It is an ugly thing that happened.  Wrapping it up in a pretty delivery doesn’t change that.”

Victor ran his fingers through his hair sighing.  “I should…talk to the others.  Can you…arrange that?”

“Let me go down and talk with Yakov.  Do you want to stay here until I come get you?”

Victor nodded, moving into a split and stretching to one side.  He heard the door open behind her and her steps grow distant.

“V-victor?” the voice was soft, hesitant.

Victor looked up towards the mirrored wall although he already knew who stood near the door.  “Come in, Yuri.  Shut the door and join me.”

He walked carefully around him, his shoulders hunched in guilt. Victor motioned to the floor before him.  They had not done this in some time.  Yuri slid down in a split before him.  “I’m s-sorry.  I didn’t know,” he whispered. 

Victor could see the tear stains on the boy’s cheeks.  He reached out and brushed them away.  “I should not have exploded on you like that, Yuri.”

“I shouldn’t have pushed you.  I…assumed.” He ducked his head down to hide but Victor reached out and lifted his chin.  “It felt like you abandoned us.  I was angry.”

“I didn’t abandon you.  But…I also didn’t reach out.  So that’s almost the same thing.  I’m sorry, Yuri.”

“You’re going back, aren’t you?”

Victor nodded.  “I belong by his side.  I know that doesn’t make sense to you.  You are all about the sport at this point.  But…it can be a lonely sport.  Honestly, I would have gone to him eventually anyway.  This just sped up matters…and made it more complicated.”  He paused, studying the boy before him.  “You have your grandfather.  I have…no one.”

“You have us,” he whispered.  “We’re your family, Vitya.”

“I think…I lost sight of that for a while,” he confessed.  “Will you forgive me?”

Yuri nodded.  Victor could tell he felt small and hated that he put him there. 

A knock on the door announced Lilia’s return.  She raised an eyebrow at the two men stretching on the floor.  “Did you two make up?”

Yuri and Victor met each other’s eyes before nodding.  They drew their legs in and started to rise.

“Good.  That meeting you requested?  They are gathering in the break room.”

“Thank you,” he responded.  Turning back to Yuri, he said, “I’m going to tell the others.  I was planning to, anyway.  I could use your support.” 

Yuri nodded and patted him on the shoulder as if saying, “I’ve got your back.” 

 

* * *

 

 

Georgi and Mila looked up when he entered with Yuri and Lilia.  He made eye contact with them first before meeting the eyes of the others.  Katya, Masha, Alexie and his sister Anya, Dmitry, Pyotr, Ivan, and Olesya.  “I left a month ago without an explanation,” Victor began quietly.  “I…didn’t know what to say, what I could say.  I just knew I had to go and take care of someone very important to me.

“I know what some of you are thinking.  I can be flighty at times and I know this.  So there is probably reasons behind your assumptions.  The night of the banquet, something happened.”

There were some snickers.  Dmitry laughed quietly, stating, “We heard about the banquet, my friend.  What is this?”

Victor laid his hand on the table to signal them to stop, his expression serious.  “You did not hear this.  Yuuri Katsuki left the banquet unaccompanied.  Both Chris and I had planned to see him to his room and make sure he was safe but we don’t always make the best decisions under the influence of alcohol.  We gathered his belongings and were looking for his coach when I received a text.”  He paused, drawing a deep breath.  This was the most detail he had given the event since the night it happened.  “It was Yuuri.  Help me.  Followed by a room number.  Chris and I went there and were horrified by what we found.” 

Victor closed his eyes, drawing in deep breaths rapidly as the picture of what he saw came back to him.  He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see Yuri’s piercing green eyes meet his.  He nodded his thanks and turned back to the room.  “Yuuri had been brutally raped.”  There was a collective gasp around the room.  “H-he couldn’t even talk to us.  There was some kind of drug released in the elevator that immobilized him.”  Victor covered his mouth a minute to compose himself.  “I don’t know if you noticed I wasn’t quite myself when I returned.  I keep…blaming myself for not making sure he was safe that night.  I c-can’t let it go.  I relive the memory of the event at random times, catching me off guard.  That’s why I left.  I thought…maybe, somehow, we could help each other.”

He didn’t know what he expected.  Being surrounded by them all protectively, however, took him off guard.  The last of his composure slipped and he let his body once more become racked with tears.  When they finally settled down, it was Mila that asked the question that caused them all to pause.

“So they caught them, right?”

Victor met her eyes and slowly shook his head.

“Oh, god!  It must be killing you to be here.”

“As far as we know, they were in Sochi.  No apparent connection with the ISU.  The police seemed to think it was a crime of convenience.  Still, he stays with a friend while he’s in Korea.”

“We should support him,” one of the others suggested.

“Adopt him as a part of the team,” said another.

“He’s family, right.  He is your boyfriend.”

Victor smiled, overwhelmed by them.  Nodding, he replied, “He is…very much so.”

“That settles it.  He’s ours by relation,” Georgi stated.

“When does he skate?”

“His short program will be around one in the afternoon tomorrow for us,” Victor responded.

“Long lunch, then.  We are watching the Four Continents.”  They all seemed to make a plan and Victor felt his heart warmed because of it.

Yuri tugged on his sleeve.  “Is he okay with us knowing?”

“I talked to him about it last night.  I wasn’t suggesting it but he knew I felt…cut off from support.  It wasn’t that you wouldn’t support me.  I just didn’t feel I could tell you.  Not without his okay.”

Yuri sighed in relief.  Running his hand through his hair, he twisted his expression.  “Now I feel bad about what I said.  I’ll…be more careful.”

“One thing I’ve learned in the short time I’ve been with Yuuri is that he’d want you to be yourself, true to who you are.  It would upset him more if you tried to change yourself for his sake.”

“So,” Mila extended.  “He’s saying that if you were anything other than the angry kitten we’ve all come to love, then it would be weird.”

Victor grinned.  That was exactly what he meant.

Yakov cleared his throat at the door and the others quickly jumped.  Meeting was over.  As they filed out, Yakov met his eyes with approval.  Victor knew that was rare and grabbed onto it.

 

* * *

 

 

**FaceTime: Victor and Yuuri**

“Did things get better?” Victor asked.

“Yes.  Time alone on the ice helped tremendously.  My headspace is clearer.  Now to just keep it there.”

“The Russian team have decided to cheer you on.”

“Oh, lord,” Yuuri stated, covering his face.  “What did you say?” he asked, his tone embarrassed.

Victor opened his mouth and then closed it.  Yuuri peeked between his fingers then wrinkled his forehead as he removed his hands.  “What did you say, Vitya?” concern creeping into his voice.

“Everything.”

Yuuri held his eyes for a long time.  “Good.  I hope this isn’t out of pity.”

Victor laughed nervously.  “No.  They’ve adopted you because of me.”

“So I date a Russian figure skater, I get the Russian team?”

“Something like that.  It helps that they actually like me.”

Yuuri laughed softly.  “I’m sure it does.”

“You skate tomorrow.  So I’m sending you to bed.”

Yuuri frowned.  “I don’t suppose…you’d mind singing to me once more.  What was that song you sang last night?”

“Fly Little Feather?” 

Yuuri nodded. 

“I’ll translate the lyrics later and send it to you.  It’s a folk song that seemed to fit.  Would you like me to sing it to you now?”

“Yes, please.  If you don’t mind.”

Victor slipped quietly into the song, while Yuuri watched him sing.  Eventually, he faded to sleep.  Victor kissed his fingers and touched the screen.  “Good night, my sweet Yuuri.  May you only have pleasant dreams tonight.” 

He pulled out a pen and paper and hummed the song as he translated the words.  Finally satisfied, he took a picture and texted it to Yuuri.  It would greet him come morning.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short Program...and so much more!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a change or two discussed at the end. I hope it doesn't throw you off. I haven't backtracked them to the earlier chapter that it would affect just yet but I kept coming to this song and wanted to put it in. Finally, I just went with it. Let me know what you think, if my instincts are good or if they missed it. And enjoy!

* * *

 

 

**Seoul, S. Korea**

Yuuri opened his phone the next morning and smiled at the picture that greeted him.  The lyrics of the Russian folk song were sorrowful but Victor was right.  It did fit them at the moment.  The doodles of Makka in the corner, feathers squiggling up the right edge and across the bottom edge made him pause and smile.  He had seen Victor’s doodles before…along the edge of notes he made on the French lit he helped him study. 

Stretching, Yuuri pushed himself up.  His phone read a quarter after nine.  He’d have a light brunch with Phichit before heading to the arena.  Cocoa poked her nose out from under the blanket and he reached out to pull her into a snuggle.  “We have a big day today, Cocoa.  Are you ready?”  She answered with a small bark and he laughed in response.

Phichet groaned in the next bed over.  “Press day…I mean competition day.”

“You like competition day!”

“I don’t like press day.”

“Nor I.  Maybe Celestino will run interference for us.”

Phichit opened one eye and leveled it at Yuuri. 

“I’m going to shower.  Cocoa needs a walk.  Be out in a few minutes and it’s all yours.”

Yuuri dressed nondescriptly after his shower to take Cocoa down.  He knew after today that Cocoa would identify him.  For now, though, he would be able to bask in anonymity.  He moved through the lobby into an area designated for pets.  Another dog owner met his eyes and smiled as he entered.

“Beautiful,” she said, indicating Cocoa.

He smiled and responded, “Thank you.”

Returning to his room, he found Phichit frowning as he dressed.  “We are supposed to leave together.  Victor will be upset if he finds out.”

“I’m sorry, Phichit.  I just…she needed to go out.”

“I know.  I just didn’t realize you were going to go out without me.  I came out to grab my clothes and you were gone.”

“And…I shouldn’t.  We promised Victor.  It won’t happen again.”

Phichit nodded and then smiled.  “Let’s go have brunch.”

They had spied a small _kimbap_ shop the previous day and now it was their destination.  Here, they ordered _kimbap_ (similar to a sushi roll without the raw ingredients) and _doenjang_ (Korean miso) before heading to the rink.  Yuuri took a picture and sent it to Victor who returned with a teary face. 

Phichit looked at the text and giggled.  “What did he say to last night’s meal?” 

“More tears.  I think he loves food more than me.”

“I’m sure his will be more decadent in Sweden.”

“He’ll be with Chris.  Food is the least of my worries,” Yuuri commented.

Finishing their meal, Yuuri sighed.  “Are you ready?”

“I suppose.  Celestino is meeting us out front with a cab.”

Cocoa stood up and followed on Yuuri’s heels.  Time to deal with the press.

 

* * *

 

 

The crowd stifled those entering, and Yuuri found himself keeping a tight leash on Cocoa for her sake.  They pushed through and made it to the dressing rooms.  A few skaters eyed them curiously before one of them bravely stepped forward.  “So, what’s the service dog for?”

“Anxiety,” Yuuri stated.  “I do not want to take meds because it will affect my performance.  I have a friend that trains dogs for those diagnosed with anxiety, PTSD, and other mental health problems.”

Several others had gathered around and listened as he explained out of curiosity but fell quiet, uncertain how to respond.  It was Sueng-gil that broke through the uncertainty.  “I admire a skater who finds a way to adapt their weaknesses.  Well done, Katsuki.  I look forward to meeting you on the ice.”

“Thank you,” he responded, his voice quietened by surprise.  Sueng-gil did not throw away a compliment, however, so he would accept it at face value.

Phichit dropped down beside him.  “Are you ready to face them?”

“The press?” Yuuri asked, raising an amused eyebrow.  Phichit nodded in reply.  “I went over what I would say with Victor before we left Detroit.  He handles the press so well, I wanted his input.”

“So you weren’t worried at all about bringing Cocoa.”

“Only initially.  And only for Cocoa’s sake.  I worried about overwhelming her.  She seems to be taking it all in stride.  Ashley trained her well.”

“She knows you.  Did you know that Ashley sometimes brought Cocoa to the rink?”

“No, I didn’t.”

“She said it was important for her training.  Cocoa was always intended for you.”

“I can’t believe how I was blessed with such good friends.”

“And now a good boyfriend,” Phichit murmured softly.

Yuuri leaned closer.  “It’s not a secret.  Anyone who sees us together will figure it out pretty quickly.”

“I didn’t know if you wanted it leaked out.  The press could get wind of it.”

“By World’s it will likely be out in the open.  I would prefer we deal with it together but I’m not going to hide.”

“Good…because I kind of mentioned it to Leo and Guang Hong.”

“They didn’t figure it out when we sent him a photo greeting?”

“They asked if you and I were a couple.”

Yuuri grinned.  “Well, you never asked, Phichit.  Now it’s too late.”  With a wink uncharacteristic of Yuuri, Phichit watched his friend in amazement.  Leaning forward, he added, “We’d probably find that friendship works better for us anyway.”

Phichit nodded.  Still, he watched as Yuuri walked away, mentally short circuited.

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri stood next to his coach as the press began to descend on him.  He was a curiosity with Cocoa at his side. 

“Are you ready for this?” Celestino asked.

Yuuri nodded.  “More ready than usual.”

Yuuri stepped out into the press arena.  He could already feel them descend and calls of his name repeated to get his attention.  He tightened his hold on Cocoa and put in place the smile reserved for press. 

“Katsuki Yuuri.”

Yuuri turned, his eyes zoning in on the Japanese reporter Morooka.  “Yes?”

“Can you tell us about your companion?  Why are you being accompanied by a service animal?”

Yuuri smiled at the easy opening the reporter offered him.  “Of course.   This is Cocoa and she is a Psychological Support Animal.  She was trained by my friend back home specific to my needs.  In past performances, my anxiety has at times become unmanageable.  Although I do not fault anyone who use medication to control their symptoms, I do not like how they affect my performances.

“For a long time I refused help for my symptoms.  I considered myself mentally weak.  However, through the support of friends, my coach, and my family, I’ve accepted this as a part of myself.  Cocoa is here to help me manage my symptoms.”

“Mr. Katsuki, is this the same as an Emotional Support Animal?”

“I’m glad you asked that.  An Emotional Support Animal does not go through the rigorous training of a PSA and is not given as much freedom to travel with their owner.  A PSA dog is protected by various laws that allow me to take her with me as I travel, stay in hotels, go to restaurants, and other locations.”

“Mr. Katsuki, do you expect the presence of your support animal to improve your performance?”

Yuuri offered a self-deprecating laugh.  “We can always hope that but Cocoa is not a miracle worker.  She cannot make my anxiety go away.  She can help me mitigate symptoms and get the help I need.  She can make sure I’m in a safe place and find my coach or roommates for me.”

Celestino leaned over to whisper in Yuuri’s ear.  Smiling at the press, he waved at them.  “Thank you for helping bring awareness of PSA animals.   I have to go warm up.”  There was a buzz of talk behind him as he followed his coach away from the reporters.

“You did well,” his coach stated with approval.

“Victor knew when I decided to take her that it would draw press interest.  He helped me go through the statements I would make so I wouldn’t become flustered.  Thank you, though, for the exit.”

“I know your limits.”  They walked a bit further before Celestino added, “Victor is good for you.”

“I think so,” Yuuri murmured.  “I don’t know that I’m necessarily good for him.”

“Oh, I can see your positive influence on him.”

Yuuri looked over surprised.  “Really?”

“He smiles more genuinely.  I’ve seen him at competitions and he’s very closed off.”

“His smile didn’t reach his eyes.”

“Yes.”

“But I’m hurting his career.”

“Not necessarily.  It’s his career, though.  So he gets to decide how he prioritizes it.  This should be a talk you have with him.”

“Perhaps after Europeans.”

* * *

 

 

Ten minutes before he was to take the ice Yuuri was surprised to find his phone shoved into his hand by his coach.  A FaceTime call was coming through.  Yuuri accepted the call and found his excited boyfriend facing him.  “We all wanted to wish you good luck!”  He lifted the phone and panned the room to show a number of faces, familiar and unfamiliar, calling out “ _davai_ ” to him.  Victor pulled it back to his own face.  “Skate for me, love.  I’m watching you.”

Yuuri smiled indulgently and nodded.  Hanging up the call, he handed the phone back to his coach.  It was almost time for him to skate.

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri moved into position for [_Unravel_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vf7xLraZow) _,_ his thoughts on Victor.  _My story has changed over the last month.  Two months, truth be told.  I fell apart and you helped put me together._   The first strains of the music circled and he pushed off into the easy glide of the program.  He turned through the beautiful twists and turns that started his program.  Tempo change.  He pushed through a fast step sequence.  _Victor has seen me unravel so many times, watched me tangle up, then untangle, losing my grip.  How is he still here by my side?  Not that I’d have it any other way.  He seems to have become just as entangled in my story.  He wraps up in me, in my story, continuing to reach out to me…and now, the threads of his world are making their way into mine.  I unravel and he slips into the spaces, making a place for himself, making me as much a part of his world.  I’m overwhelmed.  He dances with me, he skates with me, he sings to me, he is tangled in me._

Yuuri blinked as he took on the final pose.  The applause began slow, as if surprised, but built until it shook Yuuri.  He took a deep breath and skated a circle to take his bow, picking up a chocolate colored poodle plushie.  Someone must be a fan and has seen his Instagram.  He kissed it and waved, moving towards the kiss and cry.  Celestino beamed  Phichit’s eyes were lit up.  He took the guards and then knelt down immediately to bury his nose into Cocoa’s fur.  Leaning his cheek into her, he became aware of the reporters taking pictures.  He moved towards the panel to await his score.  98.7!  a personal best!   He couldn’t wait to see Victor’s response.   He looked over at his coach hopefully who laughed and relinquished his phone. 

**_V/ That was flawless!  It’s like you whited out, blanked your mind!_ **

**_V/ We need to add another jump if you can handle it!_ **

**_V/ I’m so proud of you!_ **

**_V/ Cocoa is trending!_ **

**_V/ Personal best!  By over five points!  You’ll break three figures soon!_ **

**_V/ God, I love you!_ **

  ** _Y/ I lost myself in it!  It was amazing.  I love you, too!  How many more days?_**

**_V/ Too many but we’ll make it work.  All my thoughts are on you.  Yakov just shakes his head anymore._ **

**_Y/ :D_ **

**_Y/ Now to brave the reporters.  :/_ **

Two interviews later, Yuri spotted his sister Mari and ballet instructor Minako in the crowd. He texted them to meet him later for dinner.  They agreed to meet him at his hotel.  He closed his eyes, a warmth growing in his chest.  They didn’t make any of his competitions over the last season in person.  He was glad they came when he showed some success.

He texted his coach and Phichit his dinner plans so they wouldn’t worry.  Phichit told him to have fun and enjoy his family.

  __

* * *

 

 

“Mari-nee!  Minako-sensei!”  He felt their arms wrap around him. 

Minako lifted his chin and looked in his eyes.  “We wanted to see with our own eyes that you were okay.”

He drew a ragged breath, closing his eyes.  “I have good days and bad days.  Today is a good day.”

“I’ll say,” his sister responded.  “You finished in the top ten.”

“I…just lost myself in the music.”

“That’s when you do your best,” Minako pointed out.  “Now, rumor has it that you have a very famous houseguest.”

Yuuri shrugged.  “He pays rent so I suppose that makes him more than a houseguest.”

“Why is he even there?”  Mari asked, her eyes wide as she draped an arm around his shoulder.  “Spill, little brother.”

“Well, he’s sort of my boyfriend,” Yuuri’s eyes were on the pavement in front of him, afraid to look up.

“What?!!”  They were both shouting in excitement.  Finally they calmed down and Minako forced him to look at her.  “So for how long?”

“We can’t seem to agree on the dates.  He says from the banquet at the Grand Prix because that’s when he decided but it wasn’t official until mid-January.”

They both sobered at the mention of the banquet.  They were both afraid to talk about it so they both turned to walk beside him, resting an arm around him protectively from either side.  Yuuri walked between them, gathering his words.  “He describes it as the best and worst night of his life.  He found me and almost lost me.  H-he’s the one I called when I was able.  He stayed with me for as long as he could.  Then when he couldn’t, he kept texting me.  I didn’t know how to answer him but he kept reaching out to me.  Th-then he was there on the second worst night of my life making sure I was safe even with an ocean between us.  He sings to me when I’m afraid and since we’ve separated, he calls me and sings to me asleep.”

“What does he sing?” Mari asked quietly.

“Russian folk songs.”  He pulled out his phone and showed him the picture with the lyrics.  “This is the translation of the one he sings lately.”

“Is he coming back?” Minako asked.

Yuuri nodded.  “After Europeans.  He went back to Russia when we left to come here.  We dance together.  He’s helping me with my senior recital.  We skate together.  He helps me study for French lit.  In no time, our lives became entangled.  That’s what I was thinking about during my short program.”

“You’ve only known each other a couple of months,” Mari pointed out cautiously. 

“I know,” Yuuri murmured. 

His sister tightened him in a side hug.  “I just don’t want to see you hurt.  No more.”

“He won’t hurt me.”

The women exchanged glances.  Perhaps it was his reputation that made them doubt.  Or Yuuri’s lack of experience.  Still, they worried he would be hurt on top of the prior pain.  They entered a small café and ordered their dinner.  Mari told him what was happening around the inn.  Minako caught him up on town gossip.  Yuuri laughed quite a bit through dinner, enjoying the warmth of family.

They finally escorted him back to the hotel.  “So a service dog?  I thought that was for blind people,” Mari inquired.

“They’ve found that service dogs can be useful for a number of physical and mental difficulties.  Cocoa is trained specific to my needs.”

“She seems…very attentive.”

“She is more than an emotional support dog.  Ashley explained to me that she is a specific type of service animal called a Psychiatric Support animal.  She can bring help if I need it.  She can check a room to make sure it is safe for me.  She can seek out a specific person.  For now, she knows Ashley, Vitya, Phichit, and Celestino.  She can lead me to a safe place and get me through a crowd.  She can also distract me from compulsive behaviors.  Her natural instinct is to comfort me.  I’m thankful Victor pushed that I take her.  I was reluctant.  Even though she was trained by a volunteer and friend, she was expensive…and well, we just lost Vicchan.”  Yuuri lowered his eyes quietly.  “It’s not like she’s a replacement.”  He could feel the sting in his eyes.

“You don’t have to defend having her,” Minako assured him gently.

Mari turned him to face her.  “Vicchan would want you to have her because she helps keep you strong.  He loved you.  He would want this for you.  Don’t feel guilty.”

“I-I left.  I didn’t come home.  Five years.  It never…even occurred to me that he would die.”

“No one could have predicted it.  He was loved.  Every day.  Mom and dad, me, Yuuko and Takeshi, the triplets.  He was well cared for.  So don’t feel guilty about Cocoa.”

Yuuri drew a shaky breath but nodded.  “Thank you, Mari-nee.”

“Of course, little brother.  Now, I believe you have to go back to your room.”

He turned to enter the hotel and froze.

“What is it?”

“I-I can’t go up by myself.”

Minako immediately came to his side.  “What is it specifically that’s the problem?”

“T-the elevator.”

The two women exchanged glances.  “Why don’t we see you to your room?”

Yuuri nodded.  As their arms went around him to guide him in, they could feel him trembling.  Mari hugged him.  “I wasn’t ready to say good night anyway,” she assured him. 

A few reporters looked up when they entered.  The ladies steered them away from where they were seated and straight to the elevator.  “I really don’t get to see you enough, little brother,” Mari stated as they passed the reporters.  They settled down and the women were able to get him safely into the elevator. 

They reached the floor and both ladies’ eyebrows shot up.  “You seem to be doing much better.”

“Victor,” he explained.

They reached his room and Yuuri unlocked it, inviting them inside.  They looked around impressed.  “Damn, Victor takes good care of you even when he’s not with you.”

“It’s more secure up here.  Reporters aren’t allowed on this floor.  He combined mine and Phichit’s rooms.  Then he paid the upgrade fee.  That way Phichit would be near and I’d be in a safer location.”

“He’s protective.”

Yuuri nodded.

“Are you going to be okay?”

He looked up at Minako’s words, meeting her eyes.  She knew him well enough that she’d demand it.  “I will be.  Victor will check on me soon.  Phichit should be back before long.  I’ll be okay.”

They looked doubtful but he seemed to want to be alone.  So finally, they each hugged him and wished him ‘good night’ before leaving.

Yuuri gathered his night clothes and disappeared in the bathroom.  Standing in the shower, he allowed the tears to come.  The tears fell hot down his cheeks through his sobs as he scrubbed his skin hard.  Cocoa whined, sensing his distress.  “I’m sorry, Cocoa.  I’ve got to do this.  I’ve got to get them off me.  I won’t feel clean until I do.”

When he stepped out of the shower, he could see the redness on his skin.  He quickly pulled the clothes own.  He needed their security.  Cocoa barked and worked at getting his attention.  He followed her from the bathroom. 

He made it to the bed and curled up, pulling his hands protectively over his head.  Cocoa snuggled up to him, licking him, trying to pull him out of himself.

The buzz of the phone caught her attention and she hopped down to pick it up off the floor where it fell earlier.  Bringing it to her owner, he blinked a few moments before realizing he had a call.  Turning it, he saw it was Victor.  He pressed the receive button.

 

* * *

  

**St. Petersburg, Russia**

 

“Yuuri!  I thought maybe you were still out with your family!” he greeted.

“Vitya,” he whispered.  Victor then took in the distress of his boyfriend. 

“Yuuri, what’s wrong?  What happened?”

“I-I was fine.  Then I c-couldn’t get in the elevator.  I froze.”

“How did you get back to your room?”

“Mari-nee and Minako-sensei brought me back.”

“They didn’t stay?”

“I-I don’t think they knew how bad it was.”

Victor sighed.  He knew what this meant.  Yuuri pushed away their help.  “Yuuri, they are your family.  You need to let them in.”

“I-I already let them in too much.  I couldn’t let them see me fall completely apart, Vitya.  I c-couldn’t.”

“Talk to me about what happened after they left.”

“I-I felt dirty.  Their hands on me.  I took a shower.” 

Victor knew what he would find if he pulled back that shirt.  “Are you hurt?  Any abrasions?” 

Yuuri looked down towards his shirt.  “I-I don’t know.”

Victor softened his voice.  “Will you let me see, _solnyshko_?”

Yuuri slowly drew off the shirt.  After he moved the phone out, Victor could see some places where Yuuri had clawed his skin trying to get it clean.  “I wish I was there to take care of you, _lyubov moya._   However, I know that I packed the medicine you need to clean and care for your wounds.  Will you do that for me please?”

Yuuri nodded, going to the suitcases.  Returning to the bed, he had the first aid kit in hand.  Victor supervised as he tended the scratches, pointing out if he missed any.  Once Yuuri considered it taken care of, he pulled the phone closer so that Victor could examine him better.  “It looks like you have it all taken care of,” he agreed finally.

Yuuri pulled the phone back up to look into Victor’s eyes.  Victor couldn’t stand the look of defeat and vulnerability that lay before him.  “Shall I sing you a song?”

“Please.  The feather song.”

Victor sang until his love fell asleep but remained connected, waiting on Phichit’s return.  It took about fifteen minutes after Yuuri fell asleep.  As Phichit picked up the phone, he was startled.

“Victor!”

“I wasn’t sure if Yuuri would tell you.”

“What happened?”

“He…had trouble going into the elevator earlier and it sent him into a spiral.”

“Oh, god!  He was with his family.  I thought he’d be okay.”

“They brought him up here but he lied and told them he was fine.”

Phichit nodded.  They’d both called him on this in the past.  Experience taught them to look deeper.

“I’ll keep a closer watch on him.  He was on such a high earlier from his performance.  I should have expected a crash.”

“Like you said, he was with family.  You had no reason to worry.”

“Okay, Victor.  Okay.  I’ve got this handled here.  Text me if you are worried.”

“Thanks, Phichit.”

Victor squeezed his phone in his hand as he fought his tears.  _Oh, my Yuuri._

 

* * *

 

 

NOTE 1:  So, the short program song changed.  I was never happy with _Promise_ because it did not have the energy I thought was necessary for a short program.  Long program song is still a surprise.  ;)  I hope you approve of this change.

NOTE 2:  For more information on dogs specific to anxiety and other psychiatric disorders, look [here](https://www.anxiety.org/emotional-support-animals-help-anxiety). 

NOTE 3:  (This is a repeat of a previous note)  Here is an English translation of the Russian folk song “[Fly Little Feather](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SxjBqh3pmg8)” that Victor sang to Yuuri as he fell asleep.  Victor sang it in Russian.  I pulled the translation from the link above.

> Fly little feather across a field
> 
> And brush away my sorrows
> 
> Brush the dust from my face
> 
> And turn into my wing.
> 
>  
> 
> If I could have the falcon’s wings,
> 
> Or the strength of a stone.
> 
> If I could have as many brothers
> 
> As the trees in the forest,
> 
> Or could begin my life anew.

 

> Then I wouldn’t lie in this open field,
> 
> Looking at the clouds in the sky.
> 
> Then I wouldn’t ask this tiny feather
> 
> To chase and brush away my sorrows.
> 
>  
> 
> Fly little feather across a field
> 
> And brush away my sorrows.
> 
> Brush the dust from my face
> 
> And turn it into my wing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this! Some much needed family time!
> 
> Also, if I messed up on the honorifics, please let me know. I tried to study up on them but I don't speak a lick of Japanese. I'm from backwoods Oklahoma! So have mercy on me! ;)


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frightening news and the young skaters...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I believe I started writing this two weeks ago. When I figured up the days, I reached NaNo goal in 12 days. I've been sitting on this for a couple more. Woot! I think that is a record!

* * *

 

 

**Seoul, S. Korea**

 

Yuuri woke up to a dull throb in his head from the tears and the emotional stress from the night before.  Reaching for his phone, he smiled at the messages greeting him.  Ashley sent a photo of Makka. 

 

**_A/ We’re so proud of you.  Good luck on the next!_ **

 

Victor sent a message telling him to call him when he got up.  He didn’t care about the time.  Yuuri looked around, his movements slow.  Phichit was asleep sprawled out on his stomach facing away from him.  A pillow half covered his head.

 

He reached out to Victor through FaceTime knowing his boyfriend would want to see him after last night.  It took a short time before Victor answered.  Victor looked disheveled and Yuuri found himself wishing he could run his fingers through his hair.  “You asked me to call.”

 

“I know,” he responded, his voice still full of sleep.  “I wanted to see how you were doing this morning.”

 

“I feel…dead.  Disconnected.  Last night isn’t pulling on me but I don’t feel back…together.”

 

“Let me see you.”

 

Yuuri pushed out of his bed and went to the bathroom where he could use the light without disturbing Phichit.  Yuuri looked in the mirror even as Victor studied his appearance.  Pale.  Blotchy.  Eyes puffy.  Red scratches.  “I don’t think I’ll win any beauty pageants today.”

 

“We’d have to use makeup for certain.  It’s only a practice day, though.  If we can get you through without any other incidents…”

 

“I’ll make sure I have Phichit with me as much as possible.”

 

“Good.  I talked to him last night.  He knows what happened.”

 

Yuuri nodded emotionlessly.  “I’m sorry I worried you last night.”

 

“Every day I learn more things that help me love you better.  Last night, I was able to talk you through caring for yourself and then I sang to you as you fell asleep.”

 

“I should be able to care for myself on my own.”

 

Victor’s expression, though tired, relaxed into patience.  “By that respect, _zolotse,_ I should not need the help I received when I arrived here.  We all need help from time to time.  And I want to take care of you, Yuuri.  Just as I love the many ways you take care of me.”

 

Yuuri looked pained at this.  “But I’ve done nothing except take from you!”

 

“You do so much.  You hold me when I’m hurting, you smooth away my fears, you brush away my sorrows, you help me find my smile, you give me purpose, you…give me love.  You are…my family, my Yuuri.”

 

Yuuri’s breath hitched at the word ‘family’.  He felt tears sting his eyes then escaping. 

 

“Oh, Yuuri, I didn’t mean to make you cry, _lyubov moya_ ,” Victor murmured.

 

Yuuri sniffed.  “It’s okay.  It’s only that…my heart is very full right now.”

 

“Good.  Draw strength from that fullness.  But if you find yourself running low, please reach out.  I’m here.”

 

“I-I know.”  Yuuri reached towards the screen.  “And you…do the same.  I’m here for you, too, Vitya.”

 

Victor smiled warmly as he lay on his side in bed.  “I will.”

 

“Sleep well, Vitya.”

 

Victor responded with a yawn and a nod.  “I love you, Yuuri.”

 

Yuuri smiled softly, already seeing Victor slipping off to sleep.  “I love you, Vitya,” he murmured before ending the call.

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri came to the barrier after working through the elements of his free skate.  “Take a break.  Back on the ice in thirty minutes.” 

 

Yuuri nodded, slapping on his guards.  Cocoa looked up as he came near and he bent down to greet her.  “Shall we go for a walk?”  He snapped on her lead and they began to work through the groups of skaters when a blond boy with a splash of red squealed and waved him down.  Yuuri stopped and squinted trying to focus on the face.  Kenjirou Minami.  He pasted on a smile for the over exuberant youth.

 

“Yuuri-senpai!” he effused, jumping up and down.  A few others backed away from the youth with looks of disdain.  Yuuri granted him a very patient smile.

 

“Minami-kun,” he responded to the other’s greeting.

 

“I was so excited when I learned you would be here!  After Misuko-senpai dropped, we didn’t hear at first what the JSF planned to do.”

 

“They were probably waiting on my reply.  I only had a short period to reply.”

 

Minami moved closer.  “It’s just so shocking what happened.”

 

Yuuri looked up with surprised curiosity.  “I don’t guess I heard.”

 

Minami’s mouth opened.  “It’s in all of the major Japanese newspapers.  I don’t know if it went international.  I’ll link you.”

 

“Did you tweet it to me?  I have social networking turned off.  Text it to me.”  Yuuri sent his contact info and thought the younger boy was going to pass out.  However, he got it together long enough to send the link.  Yuuri opened it up and the headline alone was enough to make his breath gasp.

 

**Figure Skater Misuko Attacked after Ceremonies**

 

Yuuri held his expression long enough to thank Minami before he exited, Cocoa’s leash held tight.  “Cocoa.  Find an exit.”  The dog tugged at the lead and they began to navigate the crowd.  It took some maneuvering to find their way away from the crowd.  Finally, they located a small alcove where Yuuri pulled out his phone and read the article in full.  His suspicions were correct.  He began to shift uncomfortably as he looked around.  Cocoa, alert to his behavior, moved to stand between him and anyone who would intrude on them.  “Stay close,” Yuuri commanded.  He sent the link to Victor. 

 

**_Y/ It happened again._ **

 

**_Y/ What if I wasn’t the first?_ **

 

**_V/ Where are you?_ **

 

**_Y/ Dressing room.  Corner._ **

 

**_V/ Whose with you?_ **

 

**_Y/ Cocoa_ **

 

**_Y/ Crowd_ **

 

**_Y/ g ui de_ **

 

**_V/ Calling.  Answer me._ **

 

The phone rang.  Yuuri stared at it at first.  Cocoa nudged his hand and he startled from his state and pulled the phone up.  “V-victor,” he breathed.

 

“I’ve got you on speaker, Yuuri.  I’m sending a copy of your texts to Phichit.  Talk to me.”

 

“I’m scared.  I don’t know what they look like.  What if they are here?”

 

“That’s why I need to get someone to you.”  A pause.  “Keep talking to me.”

 

“Cocoa…is..g-guarding…” Yuuri’s voice hitched, his breathing starting to quicken.  A low keening released.

 

“Yuuri, is someone there?”

 

“I don’t know who it is, Victor.”

 

“Call out to them.  Ask whose there.”

 

“Wh-ho is out there?” he called.

 

“Yuuri-senpai?  Are you okay?” answered a familiar voice.  Minami came around the corner and found Yuuri curled up, knees drawn to chest. 

 

Yuuri handed phone to Minami.  The teen lifted the phone to his ear with a tentative, “H-hello?”

 

“Hi.  Can you tell me the state Yuuri is in?” Victor asked without preamble.

 

“U-umm…he looks scared.  He has his knees wrapped up with his arms.  He is breathing hard.”

 

“Can you help him slow his breathing?”

 

“I-I don’t know how.”

 

“Have him follow you.”

 

Minami touched Yuuri’s hand.  “Yuuri-senpai.  You have to calm down.  Breathe with me.  In…out…in…out…in…out…”

 

Yuuri nodded finally, squeezing Minami’s hand in response.  “He seems better.  What do I do now?”

 

“Stay with him until his coach or Phichit arrives.  Can you hand back the phone?”

 

Minami placed the phone  in Yuuri’s hand and sat back to wait, leaning against the wall opposite Yuuri, facing the older man.  Yuuri’s hand was weaving back and forth through Cocoa’s fur as he stared at the phone.  Minami then realized the other person was singing… _is that Russian?_ Through the entire crisis, it didn’t register who he was speaking to at the time.

 

Finally, two men joined them.  “Minami!” greeted Phichit.  “Thank you so much for watching over my friend.  We are most grateful.”

 

“I didn’t know what to do but he has a friend on the phone.  I just did what he said.”

 

Phichit held out his hand towards the phone.  “Victor?  We’re here and we’ll take care of him.”  Pause.  “We’re going to take him back to the room.”  Pause.  “Still processing the information from the article.”  Pause.  “The same?  Shit.  Okay, Victor.”  Phichit looked over to his coach who was reaching for the phone.  “Celestino wants to talk to you.”  Phichit relinquished the phone.

 

Minami's eyes were wide when Phichit glanced his way.  “That was Victor?  As in Nikiforov?”

 

Phichit nodded. 

 

“Isn’t he in Russia?”

 

Phichit again nodded, holding eye contact with Yuuri. 

 

“I can’t even believe this day!  Okay.  I can calm down.  But first I get Yuuri-senpai’s contact information…then I talk to Victor Nikiforov!”

 

Phichit could tell Minami was adding to Yuuri’s stress and turned to speak gently to the Japanese teen.  “Victor is a good friend and I know he is thankful you stepped forward to help Yuuri out when he went into crisis.  We need to get him out of here now.  Do you know another way out?  One that isn’t crowded?”

 

The boy nodded.  “It goes backstage.  There is a service entrance.  Easy to exit, hard to enter.  You have to walk back around to reenter.”

 

Phichit watched his coach hand the phone back to Yuuri, now silent.  “Yuuri, we’re going to help you stand now.  Are you with me?”

 

Yuuri nodded, still wordless.

 

Phichit’s soothing voice guided Yuuri while Celestino made sure they had a cab waiting for them to get them back to the hotel.  Minami, wide eyed and scared, showed them the way to the back exit.

 

He watched as they loaded Yuuri in the cab and turned to head back.  Yuuri almost pushed back out of the cab.  “No.  Don’t go alone!”

 

Minami’s mouth opened and Phichit exchanged glances with Celestino.  Finally, his coach nodded in agreement.  “You’re right.  I’ll call his coach and we’ll wait with him until the coach arrives.  Okay?”

 

Yuuri nodded, settling back in the cab.  The meter was running but Yuuri didn’t care.  He would not lose another to _them_.  He refused to give _them_ anything or anyone else.

 

It took fifteen minutes for Minami’s coach to reach them.  The two coaches exchanged a few words and then Minami left with her.

 

The cab ride was silent.  Once they arrived, his coach took care of the fare and guided his skater in through a more obscure entrance.  Approaching the elevator, Yuuri stilled a moment

gathering his courage before stepping forward _.  I’m not alone.  I’m not alone.  They can’t get me.  I’m going to be okay._   The mantra carried them up to their floor and then their room. 

 

Yuuri climbed into the middle of the bed and sat with his legs criss-crossed.  He felt a soft blanket wrap around his shoulders and looked up thankfully to Phichit who thought to pack this comfort item for him.  Cocoa settled in his lap.

 

Pulling out his phone, he tapped a message to Victor.

 

**_Y/ I’m in my room.  Phichit and Celestino are here._ **

 

**_Y/ I don’t know what to do.  Words.  Hard._ **

 

**_V/ I’m sending a FaceTime call through.  We can talk as a group._ **

 

Yuuri answered the call and the others gathered around.

 

“Have you checked on Yuuri’s concerns?” Victor asked.

 

“We’ve been taking care of Yuuri first.  He’s our primary concern.” Celestino responded.

 

“As he should be.  I, on the other hand, had nothing but worry to occupy myself.  So I just started a search on my phone.  There have been five skaters attacked at different competitions in this year.  Sochi is the only International.  The rest have been domestic.  Different towns.  Nobody is connecting them.”

 

Yuuri’s hand covered his mouth.  “Have to tell,” he managed as he tugged on Celestino’s arm.

 

“A press conference? I don’t…” Celestino was about to protest when he saw the adamant shake of Yuuri’s head.

 

“Skaters.  Need to know.”

 

Celestino considered Yuuri’s words.  “I can speak to the ISU about our concerns and try to get a meeting in order with the other coaches.  If that doesn’t work, I’ll go one by one to the coaches.”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “I talk if need.”

 

“You are barely getting these words out.  You need to rest.  Recenter.  You compete tomorrow.”

 

He leaned against Phichit as his friends rubbed circles into his back.  “I know.”

 

“Victor, send me the links you’ve found.  That will give me something to work with.  Then I’ll leave the three of you alone.  Room service, boys.  I want you both to stay in.”  He held Phichit’s eyes.  “Don’t leave this room.”

 

Phichit nodded.  “I won’t.  Yuuri needs me.”

 

Celestino left the room.  Phichit pulled the phone in so that the view for Victor was the two of them.  Yuuri whispered, “Feather song.”

 

Victor nodded.  He began to sing softly, his voice a soft lilt as he felt the words.  Music always connected the two of them, words and notes wrapping around them, bonding them in song and dance.  Yuuri started to relax. Phichit gently laid him down in the bed and placed the phone where Yuuri could see Victor.  Yuuri slowly drifted to sleep.

 

 

* * *

 

 

A knock on the door pulled Yuuri from his sleep.  Phichit looked up from his phone and smiled warmly.  “Who is it?” he called.

 

“It’s us,” answered Leo.  “Guang Hong and I.”

 

Phichit looked at Yuuri who nodded even as he stretched sleepily.  His phone had been plugged in at some point.  He inwardly wondered what he was going to do when he no longer had a Phichit to look out for him.

 

The two teens came in wide-eyed.  “Minami told us what happened.  He’s very worried.  Scared and worried.”

 

Yuuri’s lips parted in surprise and he glanced up at Phichit.  “I didn’t mean to scare him.”

 

“Can he come up here?  I think he’ll be better if he sees you for himself.”

 

Yuuri nodded but then stated emphatically.  “Not alone.  Nobody should go alone.”

 

“Oh.  Okay.”  Leo glanced at his companion.  “Do you want us to go get him instead?”

 

“Do you mind?  I’ll…” Yuuri paused and took a deep breath.  “I’ll explain when you return.”

 

“Don’t worry,” Leo stated.  Guang Hong nodded and they slipped out of the room together.

 

“Are you going to tell them?” Phichit asked quietly.

 

Yuuri nodded staring at the door.  “They need to know.  It’s the only way to keep them safe.”  Looking up at Phichit, he added, “They are all so young.”

 

“Old enough to get hurt,” Phichit added quietly.  Yuuri nodded in response.

 

“Cocoa is going to need to go out at some point.”

 

“We can take her out…the five of us.  Five should be a safe number.  I’ll clear it with coach.”

 

Phichit looked up from his phone and nodded.  A knock informed them the others arrived along with a fourth. 

 

“We saw Otabek by himself and made him come with us.  You said to not be alone.”

 

Yuuri nodded even as he regarded the Kazakh.  “He can join us.  First, we need to take Cocoa out.  Then we will come back, order room service, and talk.  We…need to talk.  I…need to tell you all something.  I need to be able to trust you with this.”

 

They all nodded soberly.  Otabek studied the older skater thoughtfully.  His piercing gaze seemed to be taking in the scene as a whole.   He nodded, though, and they soon left to tend to Cocoa’s needs.

 

“Do you have a dog, Otabek?” Phichit’s cheery voice inquired.

 

“A cat.  Her name is Sophia.”

 

“What kind is she?”

 

“Himilayan.”

 

“We have two dogs now in our apartment.  Cocoa and Makkachin.”

 

Several eyebrows went up at that bit of information.  Otabek asked, “Isn’t that the name of Victor Nikoforov’s dog?”

 

“Ummm, yes.”  Phichit shifted uncomfortably as he looked towards Yuuri.

 

Yuuri opened the door and led them into the dog enclosure.  Looking over to meet the Kazakh’s eyes, he responded, “Victor couldn’t come without his dog.  He misses her right now, though.  He’s in Russia until Europeans.”

 

The tension bled off of Phichit’s shoulders when he realized he didn’t let any privileged information out.

 

“I was unaware he was training in America.”

 

“It isn’t common knowledge but it isn’t a secret, either,” Yuuri answered, holding the brown eyes with his own.  “We personally prefer not to have press at our steps.”

 

“Understood.”  The others watched the exchange and seemed to understand the level of trust he was placing on their shoulders. 

 

They returned to the room and Phichit ordered room service.  Everyone chatted while they waited seemingly understanding that Yuuri needed the time to put his words in order.  Finally, they  pushed the cart to the side and formed a loose circle on the two beds.  Yuuri sat with his legs crisscrossed studying his hands.  He drew his lips in and took several measured breaths.  He was the oldest in this crew of skaters, more than three years older than Phichit. 

 

Looking up, he caught their eyes and they fell silent.  “Tomorrow, your coaches may be stricter with you, requiring that you have a friend with you at all times.  It…is something Phichit and I have already employed.  There have been several…attacks.  Four domestic competitions…one international.”  He looked up and held their eyes.  “They were…raped.”

 

A collective gasp went around the room.  Otabek narrowed his eyes, assessing the older man.  “Yuuri,” he began but Yuuri held up his hand to waylay the discussion.

Yuuri focused his eyes on a place in the middle of the floor between the two beds.  “The press has been sketchy on it but…they look for a lone skater.  You enter an elevator.  They follow you.  The door closes.  They pull up their travel masks.  Then they spray an aerosol.  You can’t move but…you know everything that is happening.  You simultaneously are hoping to live and die at the same time.  They leave you.  Your senses slowly return.”

 

Four sets of eyes were glued on Yuuri.  Phichit had an arm around his friend, reassuring circles on his shoulders.  Yuuri lifted his eyes.  They saw the unshed tears and remained speechless.  “I don’t want you at risk.  I don’t want anyone to go through…what I did at Sochi.”

 

A hand reached out to take his and he looked up at brown eyes.  “We will look out for each other,” Otabek promised.  Each one followed suit, taking his hand, squeezing it, a pact forming among the young skaters. 

 

Minami was the last.  He drew in a quiet sob.  Yuuri squeezed his hand reassuringly. “I didn’t know I was telling you something that would hurt you.”

 

“How could you?  And it allowed us to realize that I wasn’t the only one.”

 

“Is anyone doing anything about this?” Otabek inquired.

 

“I don’t remember what they looked like.  I don’t know if it is due to the trauma or the drugs.  So I can’t offer a description.  Victor is talking with his coach about it.  I’m not sure where it will go from there…but Victor seems to think Yakov has the necessary connections.”

 

“I know he can make a scandal disappear,” stated the Kazakh.

 

Yuuri nodded in agreement.  “I’ve heard the same thing.  So…I’m waiting to hear from him.  I told him I didn’t want to go public.  Not yet.  So my coach is meeting with the other coaches to let them know while protecting my identity.”

 

“Why did you tell us?  Why not wait for the coaches to take care of it?”

 

Yuuri smiled wistfully.  “Because I remember running back and forth between the rooms of other skaters at your age without any concern.  I wanted you to be aware.  I…encourage you to share.  But for now, please keep my name out of it.”

 

They agreed and slowly shifted apart.  The quiet of evening started to move into the room with the setting sun.  “I think we’ll go back to our rooms now.” Leo looked at Guang Hong. 

 

Otabek met Yuuri’s eyes.  “I’ll make sure they all get to their rooms safely.  Minami is across from me.  Don’t worry.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

 

NOTE:

To get a further idea of the work a service animal such as Cocoa can perform, check [here](http://www.iaadp.org/psd_tasks.html).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did this surprise you? I hope so. I love surprises almost as much as Victor. Leo and Guang Hong reappeared at readers' request. I decided to drag in a couple of others.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Free Skate!

* * *

 

 

**St. Petersburg, Russia**

Victor positioned himself in Yakov’s office.  The old coach was on the phone working through some some snafu involving one of the other skaters.   He looked up when Victor came in and motioned him to take a seat.  A few more heated exchanges later, his voice calmed and things seemed to smooth out.  Finally, he disconnected the call and turned to focus on his student.

“What’s wrong, Victor.?”

“I…received a call earlier.  The Japanese skater that dropped out after Nationals…he was attacked.  Like Yuuri.”

Yakov took his chair.  “Are you sure?”

Victor nodded.  “I know what happened, Yakov.  I’m the one he talks to when he won’t talk to anyone else.”

Victor forwarded the text to Yakov and the old coach pulled up the article.  Yakov furrowed his brows as he read through what was provided.  “There is still a lack of detail.  It could be a coincidence.”

“I thought so as well…half hoping…but look what else I found afterwards.  Three more incidents in the last year.  Yuuri wasn’t the first.  Based on this, he was at least the fourth.  But they move around so much.  Sochi was the only International event.  Everything else has been domestic.  Different countries, though.”

Yakov combed through the articles Victor shared with him.  Meeting Victor’s eyes, he stated evenly, “I will make some calls.  This needs to be looked at.”

“Celestino is meeting with the other coaches at Four Continents.”

“How is Yuuri?”

“Better than I expected…but still understandably shaken.  He’s being proactive.  I received a text from him.  He’s gathering some of the younger skaters he knows to talk to them about what happened and urge them to keep in pairs.”

“This could hit the press.”

“He is aware there is a risk but he said it’s worth it if it keeps others safe.  He told them to share the story but try to keep his name out of it for now.  I think…he’s working on a statement.”

“When he gets it in order, have him send it to you.  I want you to read over it and I want to read over it.  Understood?”

“Thank you, Yakov.  I will.  I helped him work out his statements about Cocoa.  I think he’ll come to me about this.”

“Good.  Now go.  Work on your step sequences while I make some calls.”  He had the phone in hand as Victor was leaving the office.  “Oh, Victor.”  The younger man turned to look at the old coach.  “We’ll do our best to take care of Yuuri.  Talk to the others before we leave to Europeans.  I’ll gather them together later to reinforce a strict protocol.”

“Of course, Yakov.  I’ll take care of them.”  His smile was sad but reassuring before he turned and left the office.

Yakov watched Victor as he left.  _The boy seems to have lost that carelessness from before.  There may be hope for him yet._

 

* * *

 

 

**Seoul, S. Korea**

Yuuri closed his eyes to the crowd around him.  He woke up to a clear head that morning and his warmup went smoothly.  Victor texted a selfie holding up a sign reading “Davai”.  The Russian team was traveling that day.  Yuuri sighed as he tried to tamp down that loneliness that seemed more acute when someone is out there waiting on you.  Focusing on the skaters, he smiled as Phichit queued up.  Pulling out his phone, he recorded the free flowing program Phichit created and perfected for competition over the last year. 

A hand rested on his shoulder and he looked up to see Leo take a place next to him in the stands.  This portion was set aside for skaters and coaches.  ISU credentials were required.  It felt more secure although Yuuri wondered if it was a false sense of security.  “Are you doing okay?”

Yuuri smiled towards the American skater.  “Today…is a good day.”

“Hopefully it will stay that way.”

“I agree.  I’m due a good day, right?”

“I believe so.  Oh, Guang Hong!”  Leo focused on his friend’s skate program.  Its warm whimsy successfully conveyed the young man’s innocent charm.  Yuuri couldn’t help but smile.  The crowd around him seemed in agreement. 

Movement in the stands at the end of the skate and Yuuri saw Phichit join him.  “I recorded it for you.”

“Yae!  Thank you!”  Phichit hugged him from the side and bounced around to talk to some of the other skaters during the lag time between programs. 

The next skater queued up and Yuuri moved up to start his warmup backstage.  Phichit started to rise and follow him but Yuuri waved him down.  He was staying in the population of skaters and he noticed security was stepped up a notch as of that morning.  Celestino must’ve reached the right people.  Or Yakov.  Victor said he would be talking with his coach.

Yuuri began the stretches and running in place while keeping an eye on the monitors.  The scores were fairly consistent with only a couple of outliers.  Sueng-gil approached where he warmed up.  “You shouldn’t be alone,” he stated quietly.

“Nor you,” Yuuri answered with a raised eyebrow.

Sueng-gil glanced around to see if others were listening before stepping in closer.  “Your dog is rated for PTSD as well as anxiety.  The skater that was attack at Sochi…”

Yuuri studied the wall a few moments before answering quietly.  “Yes.”

“I admire your courage.  You didn’t let it break you.”

“I refuse to allow them to take anything else from me.”

Sueng-gil studied the man before him a moment.  “One of the domestic attacks.  It was my rink mate.  He…isn’t doing so well.  I don’t know if he will compete again.”

“I have a lot of support.  And the one who found me…he never let go.   I think that made a lot of difference.”

“Victor?”

Yuuri looked up surprised. Nodding slowly, he waited for the Korean to continue.

“There is a rumor going around that Victor moved to the States to train with another skater.”

“It’s true…although there is more to it than that.”

“I thought as much.”  He considered his next words before he asked, “Do you have time tomorrow to visit my rinkmate?  Would you…talk to him?”

Yuuri slowly nodded.  “I should have time.  Will you go with me?  He will need someone familiar to ground him.”

“I will join you.  Let me share my contact information.”  After the exchange, they both glanced at the monitor.  “I guess it’s time for you to queue up.  Good luck.”

“Thank you.  Good luck to you as well.  I look forward to seeing your skate.”

 

* * *

 

 

The Korean watched his Japanese counterpart disappear into the holding area.  He would be next and should be warming up but part of him wanted to see this man skate.  He slipped out to stand next to the barrier.  He spotted Phichit and moved to stand close to him.

“Your friend.  I have a lot of respect for him.”

Phichit turned with surprise.  Finding a smile, he nodded.  “He’s amazing.”

“I am glad he has people to help him through this.”

Phichit’s mouth parted.  He looked down and studied his hands, feeling awkward.  “You figured it out?”

“Yes…and he confirmed it.”

“He knows you know.  Okay.  Ummm,”  Phichit shifted back and forth before turning to face him.  “Please keep it quiet.”

“You should know I’m not one to gossip.  I may listen but I don’t spread rumors.”

“Yes…I guess I knew that already.  I’m sorry, Sueng-Gil.”

“Your friend is about to skate,” Sueng-Gil stated as if that settled the matter entirely.

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri took his position for [Heart of Courage](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYKUeZQbMF0) launched into a beautiful circle, step sequence, spin.  Victor helped him refine this skate, pushing difficult elements back.  The music had so much potential.  As he rotated, switched, turned, jumped, he felt the music overtake him.  He moved into his first quad.  He closed his eyes, his armed wrapped close around him.  He made it.  Another step sequence, mohawk turn leading into a second quad.  His quad-sal was next.  He used the spread eagle to transition then built up the speed he needed to take off.  Close.  He touched but pulled himself back up.  He landed it, though.  His triple combo came next followed by a quad double.  Then a beautiful spin into his final position.  

The crowd erupted in applause.  He turned to his coach who waited for him in the kiss and cry.  Celestino held a phone out to him as he came off the ice.  Victor’s face filled the screen in his excitement.

“You saw?” he asked even as he accepted Cocoa’s lead.

“Yes, I saw you.  That was amazing!  That’s how that was meant to be skated.”

“I touched on the quad-Salchow,” he responded doubtfully.

“We knew there was a strong possibility of that.  We’ll keep working on it.”

Yuuri nodded.  He took his glasses from his coach as the scores went up.  189.26?  That put him in first.  He looked down at the phone, his eyes wide.  Victor’s eyes met his.  “You could pull it off, Yuuri.  That’s an excellent score.  That with your short program could pull it off!”

Yuuri swallowed, afraid to hope. 

He moved off the bench towards the stands.  Sueng-Gil pushed off to the center for his skate.  Phichit made space for him but was glued to the ice.  Yuuri knew of his friend’s secret crush on the Korean.  When Sueng-Gil left the ice, Phichit finally spared him a glance.  “You have his respect.”

“He doesn’t give it easily.  Are you jealous?”

“Maybe…a little.  But he did come over and talk to me.”

Sueng-Gil’s scores totaled under Yuuri’s by five points placing him in the second place position.  Phichit settled in third.  Three more skates were left.  They met each other’s eyes and then held hands.  The next three performances will be nailbiting.  If any of them drop below Yuuri, he makes podium.

Canadian skater JJ Leroy, the Kazakh Otabek Altin, and Chinese skater Yuan Chen are left to skate.  JJ packs his with technical advantage but his artistic suffers and he touches down on two jumps.  His score dips just below Yuuri’s on the free skate.  They wait for the final total.  It is a tenth of a point below Sueng-Gil.  The Korean sits up, his gaze sharp. 

Otabek Altin skates next.  His program is clean with only one touch-down and an extra jump to make up the points.  When he came to his final pose, his piercing gaze rested on the other skaters in challenge.  Yuuri found a ghost of a smile in response. 

Yuan Chen finally took the ice.  He finished first in the short program, just one point higher than Yuuri.  The first half of his free skate went without any problems.  However, as he headed into a jump during the second half, Yuuri and several others gasped.  They could tell something was off and when the Chinese skater crashed down on the ice, they all held their breath to see if he got back up.  He found his feet and continued to skate but the fall shook him up.  He wrapped up his program with a score that landed him in fifth overall.

Yuuri exchanged looks with Phichit.  He won silver!  At the Four Countinents!  Otabek has the gold.  And Sueng-Gil takes the bronze.  As Yuuri stands on the podium holding his silver, he has one thought _:  they didn’t take this away._

When he left the ice, the press wanted pictures of him and Cocoa as he held his silver.  He agreed then dragged the other two medal winners into the shot.  He was an anomaly because of Cocoa and he didn’t want that to overshadow the accomplishments of the other two skaters.  Several reporters were reaching out for interviews and he deflected them, referring them to his coach to make the arrangements.

 

* * *

 

 

**Stockholm, Sweden**

“My Yuuri!  Did you see that?”

Mila laughed at Victor’s exuberance.  Yuri raised an eyebrow.  To Alexie he stated, “He’s going to be ridiculous.”

“As if he wasn’t already,” came the amused reply.  Anya snorted. 

“Silver!  I’m so proud of him!  Yurachka, did you see my Yuuri?  Wasn’t he amazing?”

Yuri shrugged.  “I still plan to kick his ass in the Grand Prix next season.”  He paused before adding, “But maybe he won’t make it so boring.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: I wanted Otabek to win because…I didn’t want JJ to have the bronze in episode 12. There. I said it. Because he made so many mistakes, it seemed implausible. I’m sure there is some fancy skater math going on to make it work but I still struggle with that win. So this is my way of supporting Otabek. :)


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reaching out to others to find healing...and fluffy Chris/Victor time.
> 
> (edited after the 4th comment)

* * *

 

 

**Seoul, S. Korea**

Yuuri stood with his coach as he waited for Sueng-Gil.  The Korean met him at breakfast.  “Thank you for taking the time to see my rinkmate.  Hyeon-Ju will be at the rink practicing this morning.”

“It’s something I have to do as well,” Yuuri stated quietly.  “My coach would like to accompany me but will wait in the lobby.  Since we are going to his rink, perhaps I should bring my skates to make him more at ease.”

“It’s worth a try.  He’s quiet.  Especially now.”

“I didn’t speak for a month.  Not a single word,” Yuuri murmured.  “It took a second traumatic event to open up my speech once more.”

“I...didn’t know.”

“I didn’t compete in Nationals because I couldn’t compete in Nationals,” Yuuri clarified.

“Then perhaps you can reach him,” Sueng-Gil spoke quietly.

“He could spiral, go backwards before moving forward," Yuuri warned.  "Are you ready to be his support?”

Sueng-Gil’s eyes widened.  “I-I don’t know.”

“You can’t start this and walk away.”

“I suppose you’re right,” answered the Korean.  “I don’t normally get involved.”

“Sometimes you have to become involved.”

Sueng-Gil nodded.  “I will do what is needed.  And I’ll help him find others.”

“Good.  I’ll help but I’m still figuring out how to get help myself.”

“Perhaps knowing that will help him as well,” the Korean suggested.

They left and climbed into a black sedan.  Yuuri’s coach climbed in after them and the car pulled away from the curb.

Sueng-Gil fell silent for a few minutes before asking, “Where’s your roommate Phichit?”

“He’s in the midst of a data analysis problem.”

“Schoolwork?”

“Hobby.  His major is photography.”

His coach snorted and both eyes drew in his direction.  “You and I both know that Phichit has that backwards.”

Yuuri smiled thoughtfully.  It was no secret that Phichit was a computer whiz.  It was the common ground he had with the shy, but sweet, Guang-Hong.

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri watched the Korean man lost in himself on the ice, his vulnerability written on the surface.  _I was that man.  In some ways, I still am.  Victor helped me start to make peace within myself.  I want to reach out to him, maybe help him._

Yuuri slowly pushed off onto the ice.  The other man looked up as he approached.  “Hello, Hyeon-Ju,” Yuuri greeted softly.  “My name is Katsuki Yuuri.”

“I know who you are," the younger man responded shyly.  "You just took silver at 4CCs.  Why are you here?”

“Because…not long ago I was lost to the ice and someone reached out to me.”

“You don’t understand,” he hissed, turning away and skating away a short distance.

“I do,” Yuuri insisted, holding back, respecting the boundary inserted by the other man.

Hyeon-Ju hesitated, glancing over his shoulder.  “You can’t understand.”

Yuuri dropped his gaze.  The careful mask he held in place for the public did not belong here.  Looking back up, he said quietly, “I am Sochi.  I drank too much at the banquet.  Left the party alone.  They cornered me in an elevator.  I had no chance of fighting.”

Hyeon-Ju shattered.  Yuuri skated to catch him.  The tears broke through as Yuuri wrapped him in his arms.  The man was so light.  Yuuri could tell he wasn’t eating well, very likely fighting his battles on the ice.  “Let the ice be your ally, not your enemy, Hyeon-Ju.  Don’t let them take anything else from you.  That’s the only way you win.”

“I-I thought I was a-alone!  There is n-no h-help out there.  I-I thought I had to h-hide it.”

“Come to the bleachers.  Let me make a call.  Sometimes the help is hard to find.”

From the barrier, Yuuri introduced Hyeon-Ju to Cocoa.  “She is trained to assist me in anxiety but she can also watch over me when it comes to my PTSD symptoms.”

“What is PTSD?”

“Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.”  Yuuri scrolled through his phone to the number Victor gave him of his Crisis Counselor.  He pushed the number to call.  It would be early but Victor said she came in the office as early as six some mornings. As the phone rang and rang, he worried she wouldn’t be there.  Finally, an answer.  “Hello?” The voice was sleepy.

“Dr. Zhuravlev?  This is Yuuri Katsuki.  You’ve been seeing my boyfriend Victor and he gave me your number.”

“Yes.  He spoke to me about you.”

“I’m sorry.  I think I woke you up.  I thought this was an office number.”

“No.  That’s okay.  It’s not long before I would have awakened on my own.  How can I help you?”

“Victor shared with me the resources you gathered for us in Detroit and Japan.  I have a friend in Seoul, South Korea.  He is also without resources.  I wasn’t sure if you had any information that could help him.”

“I need to get to my office.  Can I text the information to you?”

“Yes, of course.  And thank you.”

“It may take me some time.  I’ll put together a list and send it to you as quickly as possible.  Is your friend okay?”

“He’s coming to terms with the idea that he isn’t alone.  But I have hope.”  Yuuri smiled reassuringly towards the younger Korean.

“Then I’ll let you go so I can take care of your request.”

He turned his attention to Hyeon-Ju.   “She believes she has some resources and will send them to me as soon as she’s gathered them.  Can I share with you my contact information?  You can also reach me if you need a friend.”

The Korean nodded slowly.  They traded information and Yuuri also gave his information to Sueng-Gil.  “Phichit is a good resource as well.  Do you have his information?”  Sueng-Gil nodded.  “Good.  I’ll talk to Victor and he may be in touch later on this.  Once I receive the information from Dr. Zhuravlev, I’ll forward it to both of you.”

Hyeon-Ju looked questioning towards Sueng-Gil.  The pensive man responded, “You can’t deal with this alone.  I don’t know what you need, but maybe I can help.”

“Phichit didn’t know what I needed at first, either.  He watched and listened and soon he learned my language and responded,” Yuuri added.

The younger man hugged Yuuri.  “Thank you,” he whispered. 

“I’m here if you need me.  Just reach out.”  Yuuri stood up.  His skate bag in hand, he shrugged.  “I have to practice my exhibition skate.  I didn’t expect to have to do this.  So if you’ll excuse me, I’ll send that information as soon as I get it.”

“Bye, Yuuri, and thank you,” Hyeon-Ju answered.

“See you later, Yuuri,” Sueng-Gil followed with a wave.

Yuuri headed towards the door where his coach waited.  “Ready?”

“Yes.  We’ve got to put together an exhibition skate.”

Celestino grinned.  “What do you have in mind?”

“I…need to send a text for permission.”

“Are you borrowing a program?”

“Yes.  If Victor agrees.”

“God!  Like there’s any doubt.  That boy will give you whatever you ask!”

They climbed into the car and Yuuri took out his phone.

 

**_Y/ Can I use one of your programs for exhibition?_ **

**_V/ Stammi Vicino?_ **

**_Y/ How did you know?_ **

**_V/ I’ve seen you skate it.  Downgrade the jumps.  Use the Aria provided by Natalia._ **

**_Y/ Perfect.  Thank you._ **

**_V/ I can’t wait to see it!_ **

 

Looking up at Celestino, he stated, “Victor agreed.  Can you get me some ice to practice?”

“Already reserved.”

 

* * *

 

 

**Stockholm, Sweden**

“Good morning, Victor,” Chris greeted as he embraced his friend.  “What trouble do we plan to get into?”

Victor chuckled, answering, “I’m a changed man!”

“Pshaw!  I’m practically engaged and you don’t see me slowing down,” Chris responded, looping his arm in Victor’s elbow. 

“And where is your Ezio?”

“With his sister and their coach,” he stated, bored and with a touch of irritation.

“At least with him ice dancing, he can watch you skate.”

“We try to support each other when we are in the same place.  Celine gets pouty, though, when I monopolize his time.”

“Well, you have me this time.”

Chris shifted, looking out the window.  “How is he?”

“My Yuuri just took silver at the Four Continents,” pleasure vibrating through his voice.

Chris turned with eyes alight to his friend.  “Did he now?  Pictures of him and his dog have broken social media.”

“I know.  Cocoa was a good decision.”  Victor paused.  “She’s already got him out of one situation,” he added quietly.  Chris waited for him to continue.  “There have been four other attacks.”

“Four?”

Victor nodded.  “Japan, Korea, France, and Italy.  They were all domestic.  Nobody connected them.”

“Mon dieu!  Does Yuuri know?”

“He found out about Japan and that put him in crisis.  After we got him to safety, we talked about the others.  He went to speak to the Korean this morning.”

An appreciative smile touched Chris's lips.  “I think the world underestimated that man.”

“I agree.  He finds a way to surprise me every time I turn around.”  Victor’s smile softened his eyes.  “Even from a distance, I’m held transfixed.”

Chris grinned at his friend.  “You are gone, my friend.  I’ve never seen you this much into another man.”

Victor answered his grin with one of his own.  “Come to my room to watch his exhibition.”

Chris raised an eyebrow.  “Oui…I’ll be there.  Do you know the time?”

Victor squinted a moment.  “It starts around 5:30 in Seoul.   So, 10:30 here.  He’s silver and men’s so I figure around 11:00.”

“Why don’t we finish breakfast and retire to your room just in case your math is off?” Chris suggested.

Victor grinned.  “You know figure skaters have excellent math skills.”

“When it comes to figuring TES scores.”

 

* * *

 

 

**Seoul, S. Korea**

 “And now, performing to [Stammi Vicino](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_DcjjK32RI) with permission from Victor Nikiforv, our silver medalist Yuuri Katsuki!”

Yuuri took his position in the center of the ice.  He worked out the adjustments in timing based on the ballet performance earlier during practice.  Celestino made sure they had the necessary permissions in order while he worked through the choreography.  Yuuri now encompassed the piece, losing himself in the piece as he thought of how much he missed Victor at this point, his longing for his boyfriend clawing through him.  The choreography reflected the original well, like an answer to a love letter, reaching back to Victor in response to his lover’s performance at Nationals.

The audience response was astounding.  A standing applause overwhelmed the skater in his final pose and he was seen wiping his tears away as he skated off the ice.  With his guards on, he found his place next to Phichit to watch the other exhibitions.  Phichit leaned over, handing him his phone.

 

**_V/ You danced beautifully, lyubov moya._ **

**_Y/ I changed it some…to reflect an answer._ **

**_V/ I know.  It was a perfect response._ **

**_Y/ I wish I could meet you there._ **

**_V/ I know you can’t.  Practice and school._ **

**_Y/ I miss you._ **

**_V/ And God, do I miss you!_ **

**_Y/ I fly home tomorrow._ **

**_V/ I will be practicing tomorrow.  You’ll be home for my short program._ **

**_Y/ Yes, I will!_ **

**_V/ Good.  I’ll dedicate it to you, zolotse._ **

**_Y/ Next weekend can’t come too soon._ **

**_V/ Indeed.  Give Makka love for me!_ **

**_Y/ I will._ **

 

Yuuri stared sadly at his phone.  He didn’t notice the fresh tears.  Phichit and Cocoa both noticed however.  Phichit squeezed his free hand and Cocoa climbed up between his legs.  He hugged her close as he watched the rest of the exhibitions.

 

* * *

 

 

**Stockholm, Sweden**

Chris watched his friend bittersweetly.  Victor met his eyes.  “I’ve never been so affected by anyone.  I know he is safe.  But time apart weighs down on me acutely.”

“I’m not sure if you’ve ever been truly in love, Victor,” Chris suggested.

“But we dated.”

Chris smiled at the weak defense of their prior relationship.  “We weren’t in love, Victor.  At the very least, we were in like.  At most, we were in lust.  We are friends and that truly is all that we ever were.  Very good friends.  Friends that pushed the boundaries of our relationship because we respected one another and knew where we were coming from.  But I think a part of us always understood that we were not in love, that this would never go any deeper.”  Victor studied his hands as he listened to Chris.  When Victor didn’t add to his words, Chris continued.  “I do love you.  You are my closest friend.  But I can honestly say I have never been in love with you.”

“I…feel the same, Chris."  He paused, thoughtful.  "I don’t even think I can say that much where Sasha was concerned.  He and I…we were convenient?  We are still good friends but…I don’t turn to him when I’m in trouble.  If he’s there, I feel comfortable talking to him.  I just…don’t seek him out.”

“Sasha is a good man," Chris began.  "I worried when you two broke up.  I thought he would try to cling to you.  He seemed more attached to you than you to him.”

“He…was attached to the security I offered.  When I broke it off, I gave him time to find his own place.  I didn’t put him on the streets.  Even this last week, he was in and out of my apartment.  It was comfortable.  Unintrusive.”

“Did you talk?”

“Not…in depth.  It was the kind of conversation that one would have with a roommate.  Casual.  You share space and you talk but you don’t dig into the other person’s business.”

Chris watched his friend thoughtfully.  “What are you planning with Yuuri?”

Chris could see the uncertainty in his friend's face as he sought words.  “Honestly?  I have ideas.  I don’t know if he is ready for them yet.  I don’t want to push and disregard his feelings.”

“If you could ideally get what you want…as in, it is also what Yuuri wants, what would that be?”

“I want to continue to compete and work with Yuuri so he can compete.”

“So coach and compete?”

“I guess…I’m transitioning to coaching but not quite ready to leave the ice?”  The question was evident.  Limbo filled his words.

Chris decided to nudge his friend a bit more.  “I suppose that’s the natural course for most of us.  How do you see yourself accomplishing this?”

“I need time with Yakov.  But I do my own choreography.  I work with composers and artists to produce my own music.  I need Yakov to fine tune the program and maybe restructure or stiffen the components."

Chris studied his friend knowing he needed a push to go on, he asked, “What else?”

“Yuuri needs time with his family, time to heal.  And I…didn’t realize I needed time with my family.”  He made a face and shrugged.  “I don’t have any blood relatives I am close to but when you’ve been on a team for so long, they become your family without you realizing it.  I…cut myself off from them when I went to Yuuri’s side.  I realized going back to Russia that I need them as well.  So…I need to figure out how to be two places at once as well as how to give Yuuri what he needs.”

“Don’t neglect your own needs, Victor.  You and I both know you are bad about that.”

Victor nodded in agreement.  He would sacrifice himself for his lover or his friend.  Not competitively, but in many other ways.  “Yuuri…he says that if we don’t respect each other’s space we strangle each other like a vine on a tree.”

“So Yuuri is protective of his space.  That’s a good thing.  You need someone who is like that because you…well, let’s just say you can be a bit clingy.”

Victor stretched out dramatically.  “I know this,” he stated drawing out his arms with flare.  “H-he is okay with me being myself, though.  He wants me to be true to myself but to respect his boundaries.”

“Wow, Victor…someone who isn’t afraid of you being too Victor.”

“I’m sure we’ll fight eventually.”

“Of course.  You being you are going to cross that boundary.”  Chris and Victor both laid back on the bed and stared at the ceiling.

“He has this shoe collection, Chris.”  Victor let out an ecstatic sigh.

“Oh, lord…here we go with the feet.  So, what is it?”

“I went into his closet to get something for him to pack and I almost died.  I was in heaven, Chris.  I could have died in that place a happy man.”

Chris smiled patiently towards his friend.  “Tell me about the shoes.”

“Tap shoes, jazz shoes, ballet slippers, POINTE SHOES!  He has pointe shoes, Chris!  And I caught him and observed him putting them on!  It is like a slow drawn out ritual.  He didn’t know I was watching.”

“Are you sure?”

Victor shot him a look.

Chris shrugged nonchalantly.  “I mean…maybe he likes to be watched.”

Victor moved nervously and continued about the shoes.  “He has of course trainers.  Then.  THEN.  You can’t tell anyone about this.  He has heels.  Beautiful, well designed heels.  Three to five inches tall.”

“He must have trusted you to let you in his closet.”

“Our first official date…he dressed in drag.  Four fucking inches!  Red!  Black hose.  Black off the shoulder dress.   Makeup.  Earrings.  Painted nails.”

“Oh.  My.  God.  Please tell me you have pictures!”

Victor pulled out his phone and showed Chris.  Chris sputtered.  “I think…I’m a little in love.  Victor?”

“Hmmm?”

“I think he does drag better than you.”

Victor nodded in agreement.  “He certainly handles the pole better than you.”

Chris sighs.  “I think we’ve been both out-gayed.”

Victor could only agree.

“How does he kiss?”

Victor’s eyes dropped and he turned to avoid the question.  Chris’s eyes narrowed.  “Have you not kissed?”

“We’ve kissed each other.  On the temple, the forehead, the nose, the cheeks, ears, neck.  But we haven’t KISSED.”

“Is there a problem?” Chris inquired curiously.

Victor stumbled, searching for an answer.  “Chris…he’s never…I don’t want to rush him.”

Chris looked from Victor’s phone to Victor as if putting the pieces together.  “But he…his dancing…that dress…”

“The dress occurred because I struck him in the right mood.  The pole, he was drunk.  The kiss…after what happened especially, I don’t want to push him.”

“But he knows….I mean, surely he realizes you are into him.”

“Oh, he knows.  We are officially in a relationship.  I can refer to him as my boyfriend without hesitation.  And…well…we’ve both said I love you.”

Chris stretched back across the bed.  “Victor, this is by far the most interesting relationship you’ve been involved in.”  And turning to meet his eyes, he added, “And you’ve dated ME!”

“I have to agree.  It’s also fragile and I want to protect it.”

An alarm went off and Chris looked at his phone.  “That is my practice time warning.  I guess I’m out of here.”

“See you on the ice.”

Chris glanced back at his friend before he left.  He was so far gone.

 

 

 

NOTE:  Phichit and Sueng-Gil interact[here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10591017/chapters/23411709).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do a lot of dialog. Is that a good thing? Is it a bad thing? Do I have good balance? I truly want to know.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Travel day for Yuuri...Victor having Yuuri-withdrawals.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I managed to get this together after all...because I'd rather be here than working today. ;)

* * *

 

**Stockholm, Sweden**

Victor awakened to Yuuri messages.

**_Y/ I’m leaving soon.  Thirteen hours in flight._ **

**_Y/ Have a good practice._ **

**_Y/ I love you!_ **

**_Y/ I’ll let you know when I’m home._ **

Victor smiled indulgently.  He considered what he wanted to send in reply.

**_V/ Give Makka kisses for me!  God, I miss you!  I love you, too!  Can I just come home now?_ **

He looked at the time.  Yuuri still had eight hours left in his flight.  He had a job to do.  He showered quickly and dressed.  Skate bag in hand, he opened his door and started to head down the hall when he remembered the buddy system protocol.  He hesitated.  Who hasn’t left yet?  Turning, he knocked on Georgi’s door.  The younger Russian opened it shortly. 

“Victor!”

“We are supposed to leave in pairs.  Yuri has Alexie.”

“At least I don’t have to share a room.”  Georgi invited him in.  “I’ll be ready soon.  You look like hell, Victor.  If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were more miserable than me.”

“I just miss my Yuuri.  It’s been a week.”

Georgi poked his head out of the bathroom.  “At this rate, you’ll be a mess by the end of the week.”

“Why are you miserable, Georgi?  Trouble with Nikki?”

“Nikki wants to see other people.  What does that even mean?”

“You don’t share too well, Georgi.”

“I know this!  Aargh!  Why can’t I find a girl that wants to stick around?”

Victor chuckled warmly.  “You’ll find the right one eventually.  I just now found someone that is not worried about me being ‘too Victor’.”

Georgi came out of the bathroom ready to go.  Studying the man across the room, he smiled.  “Then there is hope.  I don’t think I want Nikki to see other people.  She needs to decide.”

“You may not like her decision,” Victor whispered.

“I don’t think I will,” agreed Georgi.  Picking up his skate bag, he joined Victor as they left the room.

 

* * *

 

 

**Somewhere over the ocean**

 

Yuuri shifted uncomfortably in his seat.  Phichit gave him the window so that he would feel more secure.  However, the teenagers in the seats behind him were talking about their night of partying and their loud, raucous words were causing Yuuri to shift uncomfortably.  The flight attendant must have noticed and she smiled and asked if there was something she could do to make his flight more comfortable. 

Yuuri glanced back at the teens and tightened his hold on his dog.  She glanced at the manifest and saw that he was noted as having anxiety and traveling with a PSA dog.  “Let me see if I can find a better location for you.  Okay?”

“Thank you.  I-if it wouldn’t be any trouble, my friend Phichit is traveling with me.”

“I’ll look for enough space for the two of you.  Hold tight.”

The two passengers watched her move to another flight attendant to discuss their situation as they studied the manifest.  The second one disappeared and then returned shortly.  The flight attendant came to his seat once more.  “We would like to move you and your companions to the preferred plus section of the plane.  This will make your flight more agreeable to your needs.”

“Thank you,” Yurri responded with a smile. 

“You can bring your carryon baggage as this section has designated space per seat.”

As they settled into their new location, he met the attendant’s eyes with a smile.  “I am most grateful.”

“It’s a long flight.  Too long to be uncomfortable due to inconsiderate passengers.”

“It would have been difficult if it continued.  I appreciate you dealing with the matter in such a positive manner…” he paused and read her nametag.  “Liza?”

“Of course, Mr. Katsuki.  Please let me or any of the rest of us know if we can help make the rest of your flight more pleasant and accommodating.”

“It’s already exceeded my expectations.”

“It is our pleasure.”

Yuuri felt his anxiety drop as he relaxed in the new seats, much more roomy than before.  He allowed himself to sleep.  He had purposefully not pushed Phichit on his analysis.  They would talk when they returned home.  And if Phichit chose, they would wait on Victor.

 

* * *

  

**Stockholm, Sweden**

 

Victor flubbed a jump in practice.  Eyes all turned toward Victor in curious interest.  Victor flubbed a jump!  Yakov looked about ready to pop a vein.  His focus was off and Yakov had already told him to get his head out of his ass and on the ice.  He shrugged in reply to that glare and returned to the step sequence he should have been working on.

 _I’ll be better once Yuuri is in Detroit_ , he tells himself. 

Chris skates up to his side with a raised eyebrow.  “I want to take the gold from you, Victor.  I have no desire for you to give it to me.”

“Yuuri is traveling and I feel cut off from him while he’s in the air.”

“It’s not his first time to travel,” Chris pointed out.

Victor dropped his chin, his breath ragged.  “I know.  I…am really missing him.”

“Focus on the competition.  The rest will fall into place.”

“How do you handle it when your man is in a different place?”

Chris winked.  “Skype sex.”  With that, he skated off leaving Victor to gape after him with wide eyes.  He really shouldn’t be shocked.  He knows Chris.  He’s been with Chris.  But he didn’t feel the same connection with Chris as he feels with Yuuri.

Facetime.  Texting.  I’ve been in contact with him.  It’s his touch I crave.  Sex.  We haven’t even kissed.  God, I want to kiss him. I want to cuddle with him and talk soft conversations in the dark of the night.  I want to share a kitchen with him while we put together a meal.  I want to wrap my arms around him while we watch a movie.  I want to run with him, dance with him, skate with him. 

The longing filled him and his eyes opened wide.  This is the feeling I need for my short program.  It is close to what I had when I practiced that day.  I need to hold onto it and channel it. 

He pulled himself inside, shut out the commotion of the rink and focused on that feeling.  When he finally exited the rink, he met Yakov’s eyes.  “I’ve got it,” he stated before Yakov opened his mouth.  He slapped on the guards and headed towards the dressing room.

**_V/ I’m holding you in my thoughts._ **

**_V/ I’m sure the news of me flubbing my jump in practice is lighting up social media._ **

**_V/ After this, let us always travel together._ **

Victor looked at the time.  Two more hours before he lands.  He could go sight-seeing.  He texted Chris to see if he’d join him.  Chris came around the corner.  “You could just ask.”

“I need something to distract me.”

“Happy to oblige,” he responded, his smile indulgent.

Victor texted his coach and then left with Chris.

 

* * *

 

 

**Detroit, Michigan**

 

Yuuri smiled bittersweetly as the text messages caught up to him.  Finally, he replied.

**_Y/ You flubbed a jump?_ **

**_Y/ Traveling together may require some strategy.  However, World’s should be plausible._ **

**_V/ We’ll find a way!_ **

**_Y/  I have no doubt that you can make it happen.  What are you doing now?_ **

**_V/ Sightseeing with Chris.  Instagram has photos._ **

**_Y/ I’ll check once I am home._ **

**_V/ You aren’t home yet?_ **

**_Y/ Still at the airport.  I just claimed the last of my luggage._ **

**_V/  I need Makka-love.  I NEED Yuuri-love!_ **

**_Y/ I’ll see what I can do._ **

He put away his phone and joined his companions as they loaded into transport.  Soon, he would be in his home.

 

**_Y/ I love you._ **

**_[Photo – Yuuri hugging Makka and Cocoa while placing a kiss on top of Makka’s head]_ **

**_[Photo – Yuuri leaning his cheek on Makka, Cocoa peeking over Yuuri’s shoulder]_ **

**_[Photo – Yuuri on ground with both Makka and Cocoa holding him down and licking his cheeks, his face lit up with laughter]_ **

**_V/ God, I’m so in love with you!_ **

 

NOTE:  Traveling with a service animal is permitted but requires certain preparations.  This [resource](http://www.anythingpawsable.com/traveling-with-a-service-dog-a-complete-step-by-step-guide-updated/#.WN6lmW_yt3Q) proved helpful in identifying those standards.  We are going under the assumption that Cocoa will not have to be quarantined during their travel.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bad dreams and short programs...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started this last night and it wrapped up in my dreams. So at 3 a.m., I was up finishing it.

* * *

 

 

**Detroit, Michigan**

Yuuri commandeered the couch, turning lengthwise.  Both dogs made room with Makka stretched along his legs and Cocoa curled up on his lap.  Phichit propped his feet on a stool and sprawled into the accompanying chair.  Jet lag weighed hard on them and they moved with heavy limbs.  Yuuri had his phone in reach but his eyes were drooping.  Phichit busied himself transferring pictures to his laptop. 

His roommate turned toward Yuuri and snapped a picture tagging him to Instagram.  The notification sounded on Yuuri’s phone.  He lifted his phone then cast a glare at Phichit.  “You didn’t tag Victor.” 

“You’re right.  We’ll chalk it up to exhaustion.”

“It looks like Victor has taken care of it.”

**My Makka!  MY YUURI!**

“I keep getting second billing,” Yuuri commented with a raised eyebrow.

“But you get caps for emphasis.  That’s gotta count for something.”

His phone vibrated.  Yuuri answered the FaceTime call.

“Yuuri!”

“Hello, Victor.”

“You sound tired!”

“You sound wired up.  Shouldn’t you be sleeping?”

“It’ll hit me soon.  I needed to hear your voice.”

Phichit peeked over his shoulder.  “Yuuri wants to know why he always gets second billing.”

Victor grinned.  “Because you save the best for last,” he replied with a wink.

Yuuri rolled his eyes.  “Are you ready?”

Victor shrugged.  “If I can keep my focus…you being home safe will help.”

“Vitya, I hate that you worry about me so much,” Yuuri whispers sadly

“I can’t help but worry about someone I love…and you I love most,” he defended, a pout pressed as he tried to stop the tremble of his lip.  His mood shifted so quickly that Yuuri realized the earlier face was a mask.  He failed to stop the tear. 

Yuuri kissed his fingers and reached out to touch the screen.  “I miss you, too, Vitya love.”

Victor sniffed and drew a shaky breath.  “I should sleep now.  Good night, my Yuuri.”

“Good night, Vitya.”  Yuuri closed out the screen with trembling hands and looked over at Phichit.  “Why is this so hard?  We haven’t been together that long.”

“You didn’t know what you were missing,” Phichit offered quietly, offering a supportive smile.  He then wiped away a tear of his own.  “Damn, now you both have me in tears!”

“If I wasn’t so exhausted, I’d go dance or skate!” he declared in frustration.  Cocoa must’ve picked up on his mood change because she shifted and licked his hand.

“Go shower and we’ll see if the girls want to join us for pizza.” 

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri’s exhaustion caught up with him by the time they returned home from eating out.  He glanced at the time.  Barely past eight.  “I can’t stay up any longer,” he stated to Phichit.

His roommate laughed.  “I won’t be up long myself.  Good night, Yuuri.”

“Good night.”  Yuuri stumbled down the hall and he found himself pausing at Victor’s door.  On impulse, he entered.  It took him a moment to find what he was looking for.  He moved onto his own room where he stripped down to his underwear.  Pulling on Victor’s t-shirt, he breathed his boyfriend’s scent.  “God, I miss you,” he whispered.  Plugging his phone near his pillow, he crawled into bed.  The dogs situated themselves on the other side of the bed in opposite corners.  Sleep found Yuuri soon.

 

* * *

 

**Stockholm, Sweden**

Victor shifted in his sleep as the dream wove into his head.  He could hear his Yuuri fighting, crying out for help.  Victor fought to reach his side but something blocked him each time.  The hallways to the hotel formed a maze.  He’d open one door and would be in another hallway.  Each door showed the numbers Yuuri gave him over the phone.  703.  Each door seemed to reset the loop and he was running down the hall once more.  Then he reached the room.  It was red.  Yuuri wasn’t moving.  He cried out in anquish.

 

* * *

 

 

**Detroit, Michigan**

The buzzing of the phone pulled Yuuri from his sleep suddenly.  He looked to see that it was Victor.  It wasn’t quite nine.  Yuuri did the math.  Three in the morning.  He answered, greeted by sobs on the other end.  “Vitya?”

“Yuuri…tell me you’re okay.”

_Oh, he’s had a nightmare._   “Baby, I’m okay.  I’m safe.”

“Are you sure?  You are so far away.  How can I know for sure?”

“Listen to my voice, Victor.  Hear how steady my words reach out to you.  They aren’t fearful words.  I am in a safe place.”

“I reached you in time.”

_How bad were his dreams?_   Yuuri breathed in and out slowly to steady his voice.  “You reached me.  You saved me, Vitya.  I’m safe because you got to me in time.”

He could hear the fear mixed with sobs on the other side of the world.  “Vitya, let me…sing to you.”

“Okay,” he responded, his voice sounding so small.

Yuuri reached into his memory and found a [song ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxx4z64GH38)that might provide comfort.

 

> “inochi wa toki no naka o  
>  nagare nagare te  
>  tokoshi e no kioku o  
>  futae no rasen ni tsumugi yuku  
>    
>  “watashi wa kono uta o  
>  utai katari te  
>  setsuna no kioku o  
>  hito no kokoro ni kizami yuku
> 
>   
>  “al a re la ye  
>  al a re la yo  
>  al a re la ya  
>  al a re ya...  
>    
>  “al a re la ye  
>  al a re la yo  
>  al a re la ya  
>  al a re ya...”  
> 

The words seemed to finally calm his boyfriends as the song spun its calm around him.  He thought about the meaning of the words, repeating the translation softly, poetically, for his lover to hear them. 

 

> “In the short time we have to play out our lives
> 
> We get swept off our feet by the calm  
>  Remaining with the memories we'll always have  
>  Spinning them into two spirals and then they fade away  
>    
>  “As for me, I will sing the song of the present  
>  That's all I can do, be singing and talking  
>  I won't remember what happened at that time  
>  But it's been engraved in my heart, so let me go”

 

“Vitya?” he whispered.  He waited and it took some time before he answered.

“My Yuuri,” he breathed.  “So beautiful.  What’s it called?”

“Ummm…the spinning song.”

“Is it a folk song?”

Yuuri smiled and shrugged.  “Some think it is but really, it’s a vocaloid song.  I can link you to it if you like.”

“I like your voice.  You sing beautifully,” Victor answered, his voice soft and relaxed.

“I love hearing you sing to me as well.  Can you sleep now?”

“Mmmhmm,” he responded.

“Then please rest.  I’m here if you need me.”

“Thank you, Yuuri,” he whispered.

“You’re welcome, Vitya love.”  He hovered his finger over the end call button a moment before finally pressing it.  A tear slid down his cheek as he settled back into his pillow.  _How many times have you had nightmares and I haven’t been there to sooth them, Vitya?_

Cocoa sensed his distress and moved into his reach.  Yuuri drew her into his embrace.  She made soft soothing cries that awakened Makka who came to wrap up behind him, resting her head on the curve of his waist.  “Thank you, both.  I need your love.  I just wish Vitya didn’t have to be alone.”

 

* * *

  

Yuuri situated himself on the bench at the rink.  Phichit faced him recording the message for Victor.  He began the rhythmic movements of tying on his skates.  “Vitya, I am at the rink thinking of your short program and it dawns on me that our own story began once upon a December.  I look forward to watching you skate today and will watch it with new eyes.  Dance for me, Vitya,” he responded with a sharp pull of the bow. “I want to see the music embrace you.”  He knotted the bow and poked it into the top of his skate.  Phichit ended the video and handed it back to Yuuri.

Playing it through, he nodded with approval.  He would send it to his lover once he finished skating.   Phichit grinned, shaking his head, his voyeuristic heart loving the moments like this when he is included in their love story.

 

* * *

 

**Stockholm, Sweden**

Victor is sitting in the stands waiting for his turn to queue up, when the message came through.  He felt someone lean forward and looked up to see Chris watching in interest as he played the video, promptly short circuiting.

Chris chuckled.  “Mon dieu!  He certainly has your number, my friend.”

“I don’t even know if he realizes what this does to me,” Victor responded in a helpless whisper.

Chris shook his head.  “Oh, he realizes it.  Look at those eyes.”  Chris leaned forward and lowered his voice.  “He’s given you an order to perform for him.  What will you do?”

 

Victor skated to the middle of the ice and embraced the [childlike song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1zamKoUREI) _._

_“Dancing bear…painted wings…things I almost remember…”_

_So much of my childhood is lost to fighting my way through competitions._

_“Someone holds me safe and warm…horses prance through a silver storm…”_

_Yuuri awakened my heart, making me feel safe by his touch._

_“Figures dancing gracefully…”_

_Yuuri danced into my life, his grace evident in every movement, in every word._

_“Far away, long ago…Glowing dim as an ember…Things my heart used to know…things it longs to remember…”_

_Since knowing you, I’ve reached back into my childhood._

_“And a song someone sings…”_

_Songs sung to me by my mother that once comforted me…_

_these I use to comfort you since that night…_

_“…once upon a December.”_     

 

Victor didn’t care about the score at that moment.  All that mattered was that Yuuri saw him skate and could feel the story in his movements.  He finally received his phone back and received a video from Phichit of Yuuri watching his program.  It was very apparent that his love was overcome with emotion.  He watched Yuuri oblivious to Phichit wipe away a tear in response to his skate.  He texted Phichit his thanks.  He needed that.  It strengthened him to face the next few days.

**_Y/ Words can’t describe how I feel at this moment.  Your skate…beautiful._ **

**_V/ Only because you are beautiful.  I skated it for you.  I don’t think it ever translated so well._ **

**_Y/  Then I’m…overcome._ **

****

* * *

 

 

NOTE 1:  I chose [The Spinning Song ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxx4z64GH38) because I liked the lyrics.  I am still searching for a lullaby or two.  Lyrics translated [here](http://takeit-home.livejournal.com/16209.html).  I love the way they can sooth each other with songs.

 

NOTE 2:  I’m not sure what Victor skates his SP to so I chose [Once Upon a December](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1zamKoUREI).  In Victor’s heart, their two hearts became entwined one night in December on what he refers to as the best and the worst night of his life.  The tones in this song have a bittersweet edge to it that seems perfect for the two of them. 

 

NOTE 3:  I finally had to look it up to make sure.  _Stammi Vicino_ is such a short song, I always thought of it as a short program.  However, it is listed in references as his free skate.  Thus, I’m thinking of it as shortened in the essence of time for the sake of a 22 minute episode.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive the formatting issues. Nothing is cooperating with me today. I hope you love this chapter.


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bad decisions, tabloids, and some Yuri Plisetsky time.

* * *

 

 

**Stockholm, Sweden**

 

Victor stirred the next morning as consciousness slowly reached him.  He had traded shots the evening before with Chris and then stumbled back to his room.  Yakov would be furious with him.  Yuuri would be upset with him.  He couldn’t say for sure but one of them probably stumbled to their room alone.  Pushing himself up, he spotted another sleeping form.  No, it appears nobody went to their room alone.

He pulled out his phone while nudging Chris awake.  It was then that he saw the photo making its way around social media with the headline **_Giocometti and Nikiforov an Item Once More?_** _Shit!_   He reached over and shook Chris more insistently.  “Chris!  Chris!”

“Mon Dieu!  What?” Chris pushed himself up, fully clothed, rubbing his hand over his face.  A phone is shoved in his face.  His eyes widened.  “Any word from Yuuri?”

Victor shook his head.  “Any word from Ezio?”

“No, but I’d just get an eyebrow raise.  Our relationship is open.”

“Ours is not.”  Victor stumbled trying to find Yuuri’s name in contacts when a FaceTime call came through.  It was Yuuri.  He met Chris’s eyes.  Answering it, he ran a stressed hand through his hair.

Yuuri raised his eyebrow at the sight.  “Rough night?”

“I’m not…sure?” Victor glanced at Chris. 

Chris decided to deal with the elephant in the room and called out, “Good morning, Yuuri!”  Victor’s eyes widened in alarm as Chris took the phone from Victor.  “We drank last night.  A lot.  I think I passed out in Victor’s room.”

“Okay.  As long as you were both safe.  Why is Victor freaked out?”

“Someone leaked out some tabloid trash about us being a couple once more.”

“Phichit and I get that all the time.  Will you return the phone to my idiot, then?”

Victor’s expression turned sheepish as he accepted the phone from his friend.  “You aren’t mad?”

“If you both are in the same room, at least I know you didn’t walk back to your room alone.”

Victor slowly started to relax.  “I’m sorry I didn’t call last night.”

Yuuri’s eyes were severe as he stated, “I can’t believe you drink during competition but I guess I’m not aware of your habits.  I just know my own.”

“I…didn’t want to have another nightmare,” he confessed.

Yuuri’s expression softened.  “I don’t want you to have them either.  We need to deal with this when you come home.”

“Have you looked over the list of possible counselors?  I would like us to see the same one if you don’t mind.”

“I would like that as well.  Would you like me to set up an appointment for after you come home?  Maybe for us together initially?”

“Yes.  Please.  I think it will be easier together.”

Yuuri nodded, writing it down on a paper.  He looked up to hold Victor’s eyes fully.  “You know I trust you, don’t you?”

“I-I didn’t know how you’d react to the tabloids.”

“It’s Chris.”

“And we dated off and on.  I thought at best you’d think that we…well…”

“I didn’t.  Victor, you had Sasha possibly staying at your apartment in Russia and I didn’t think that.   You may have had casual flings from time to time but your record is consistent.  When you commit, you are monogamous.  Why would I doubt you?”

Victor nodded at the truth of that statement.  “I can’t imagine being with anyone else,” he confessed.

“And Chris is your best friend.  Would you doubt me if Phichit passed out in my room with me?  Even my bed?”

“N-no…although at the moment, I might be jealous.”

Yuuri chuckled softly.  “I could possibly be a little jealous.  But I don’t doubt you.”

“Thank you, Yuuri.  Did you just call to check on me?”

“We didn’t really talk yesterday.  I missed your voice.”

“I loved your video.  I saved it, you know.”

Yuuri smirked.  Oh, he did know what that did to him.  “I thought you might.”

“I’d love the next one to be on pointe…if you don’t mind…”

Yuuri’s mouth opened in surprise.  Closing his mouth, he winked.  “We’ll see if something can be arranged.  We might go through the entire shoe collection, though, if you start making requests.”

“I’ll buy you new shoes!”

Yuuri chuckled softly.  “I’m sure you would,” he whispered.  “I love to see you so eager, Vitya.”

Victor ran his fingers through his hair.  “I love to see you smile, Yuuri.  Your laugh thrills me.  I long to see you dance again, to feel you in my arms as I support you, to share the ice with you once more.”

Yuuri touched his lips with two fingers and Victor watched as the kiss touched them, suddenly jealous of those fingers even as he saw the fingers come towards the phone.  He knew Yuuri touched the screen.  “Soon, Vitya.  Soon.  I miss you as well.  You have a busy day.  Don’t forget to call me tonight.”

“I won’t.  I love you.”

“I love you, too, Vitya.”

Victor fell back into the mattress, his head resting on Chris’s abdomen.  “Better?” Chris asked as he rifled his friend’s hair.

“Much!  I can’t believe he trusts me so completely.”

“I can’t believe he so blatantly encourages your shoe fetish.”

“It’s a…safe intimacy,” Victor confessed.

“The rest will come with time,” Chris murmured.  “And you are both going to counseling.  That’s a positive move.”

Victor nodded as his phone buzzed.  He looked to see that he missed several messages from Yakov.  “My coach…may not be so forgiving.”

Chris laughed.  “Let’s get you to the rink.  I’m sure my coach will take us both.”

“More to feed to the tabloids.”

“World’s should be very interesting with all four of us together.”

“Indeed.”

 

* * *

 

 

Yakov yelled at Victor not only for being late but for being indiscreet.  It didn’t help when Victor pointed out that Yuuri wasn’t mad at him.  “Here I thought you were getting past your carelessness!  You need to think of someone other than yourself!”

That one stung.  Victor blinked back the tears and held a stony expression _.  The problem is that I’m always thinking of him.  Since it happened, it’s always him.  I worry about him.  I have nightmares of losing him to the violence.  I can’t forget.  Being apart from him makes it more acute because I can’t reach out and reassure myself he is safe.  He isn’t there to comfort me.  I don’t even have Makka.  So I grabbed hold of my closest friend to try to deal with one more night apart from him._  

Yakov sent him to the ice and told him to work through his choreography.  Victor shoved his grief into the program.  He marked his jumps not trusting his mental state at the moment.  Others were watching him and he didn’t want to flub a jump once more during public practice.  He’ll seek out a private rink later.  Maybe Chris will join him.  He can even bring Ezio.  _Oh, Ezio skated tonight._   Sighing, he considered other options discarding them one after another.  He needed to be alone in his thoughts.  But being alone defied the rules.  Yuuri would be upset with him.  That alone caused him pause.  Who could he trust with his feelings?

Yuri.

He tapped a text on his phone. 

**_V/ If I got us some private ice, would you join me this evening?_ **

**_YP/ Alexie and Anya skate tonight.  Yakov will pop a vein._ **

**_V/ Do you care?_ **

**_YP/ Not if you don’t.  What’s up?_ **

**_V/ Just need time on the ice without all of the eyes._ **

**_YP/ I’ll go but you get to tell Yakov._ **

**_V/ Thanks._ **

 

* * *

 

 

Yuri climbed out of the taxi first followed by Victor.  Yuri made excuses to Alexie that Victor needed support and Alexie didn’t fuss about him not being there tonight.  Victor took care of Yakov.  The old man apparently was done with Victor for the day and just threw his hands up in the air.  They escaped relatively unscathed.

“I’ll buy you dinner for this,” Victor promised.

“I’ll hold you to that promise.  I want something completely off diet,” he demanded.

Victor grinned.  “You’ve got it!”

They entered the rink and was greeted by the staff that stayed behind.  “I can’t believe I’m actually getting to meet you!” she exclaimed enthusiastically.

“Thank you for staying to let me practice.  I need the quiet.”

“Of course.  You will not be disturbed.  And just so you know, I don’t believe a word of that article.  A man is allowed to hang out with friends without it being some kind of affair.”

Victor smiled tolerantly before murmuring, “Thank you.”  He ignored Yuri’s odd looks as he headed towards the ice.

Yuri skated on the edge and out of the way as he played with his phone and kept an eye on Victor.  Victor warmed up then went through his free skate once before falling into some lazy loops.  Once he recovered, he ran through it a second time.  He then receded into some unfamiliar choreography.  Yuri watched him curiously before asking, “What’s that you’re working on?”

“It’s a short program I’m considering for next season.”

“You know, I’ll be debuting as a senior next season.”

“I know.  I look forward to skating against you.”

“Do you…do you remember that you promised me a program if I avoided quads and took junior gold?”

Victor smiled benignly.  He had forgotten but he wasn’t worried.  “I have about four programs in the works.  Perhaps you can come for a stay after World’s.  I’d be happy to show you what I have in mind.”

“So…you’re not coming back?  At all?”

“I’m trying to figure out how to have the best of both worlds.  So I haven’t worked it out.  I do know I’ll be in Detroit until mid-May.  Yuuri needs to see his family.  So we will go to Japan after he graduates while I work out a plan.  I do have some ideas, though.”

“It had better be a winning program!  That’s what you promised!”

Victor chuckled.  “It’d be a winning program if I skated it.  Whether or not it is with you is entirely up to you.”

“I hope you are prepared for me to take the gold from you.”

Victor grinned.  “I won’t make it easy for you.”

 

* * *

 

 

After practice, they found a small family owned establishment.  The owner suggested the Swedish meatball that came with a cream sauce, mashed potatoes, pickled cucumbers, and lingonberry jam.  They both ordered the same.  Victor took a picture.

“You better not be putting that on Instagram!” Yuri warned over his fork.

Victor laughed.  “No, I’m going to make Chris jealous for not joining me.”

“I’m surprised you’re not sending it to Katsuki,” he muttered.

“Oh, I did.  He wanted to know how I was doing this evening.  I told him I got away from the crowd and that you joined me for private skating practice with the promise of dinner.”

“And does he approve of your choice?”

“I received a raised eyebrow and the words ‘before competition?’”

Humor teased the corner of Yuri’s lip as he stared into his plate. 

“I don’t think it truly surprises him after I got drunk last night.”

Yuri looked up soberly.  “Was he pissed?  I mean, the tabloids...”

Victor shook his head.  “He didn’t even give them an ounce of consideration.  He checked on me to make sure I was safe.  He didn’t freak that Chris was still there.  I don’t know what I did to deserve him.”

“He’s cracked in the head,” Yuri muttered.  “Then again, you might be as well.”

Victor considered the words with a nod.  “It’s possible.  It would explain so much.”

Yuri looked up wide eyed.  “You’re ridiculous!  Eat!  I don’t want to sit here and listen to you pine over Katsuki for the next two hours.”

Victor grinned but complied.  The food was good.  The kind of food a grandmother would make.  It filled you up inside, warmed you from the inside out, comforted you.  Yuuri would love this.

 

* * *

 

 

**Detroit, Michigan**

 

Yuuri eased back onto the sofa when the FaceTime call came through from Victor.

 “I’m back in my room, my sweet Yuuri.”

Yuuri raised his eyebrows.  “How was your evening with the other Yuri?”

“It makes me profoundly appreciate your company,” he responded petulantly.

“That bad?”

Victor forced a grin.  “Not too bad.  He kept me company while I worked through my program.”

Yuuri sharpened his gaze.  “You know the program.  What’s going on?”

“I was berated by Yakov when I finally made it to the ice.”

“That should have been expected,” Yuuri deadpanned.

“I was fine…until he said that I was careless and only thinking of myself,” Victor murmured, his voice breaking in the middle.

Yuuri studied the man before him.  “He was angry.  Some of your choices last night were not the best…but they weren’t the worst, either.  I don’t think…”

Victor shook his head, cutting him off.  “No, he is right in some sense.  I lived very selfishly before I met you.  He thought…I was throwing this away, that I made shallow choices.  I just needed…to escape everything, my own head, for a while.”

“First of all, I don’t think you were selfish before you met me.  You have talked several times about being in the big brother role among your rinkmates.  Secondly, he doesn’t know about the nightmares.”

“No one does.  Not really.  Except what I’ve shared with you.”

“We are fighting our own demons.  Sometimes they cross paths.”

“I didn’t want to be in a crowd tonight.  I wanted to be alone.  I knew I shouldn’t be alone,” he confessed.

Yuuri watched him crumble before him feeling powerless.  “Vitya…”

“I’m sorry.  It’s frustrating, this distance.  I need you in my arms.  Will you…stay with me until I fall asleep?”

“Of course.”

Victor stretched out on the bed. 

“Talk to me Yuuri.  Tell me about your day.”

“Okay.  Do you want the highlights or the mundane?”

“I want it all.  I just need to feel close to you.”

“I woke up this morning and my phone told me about your evening.  I figured the alcohol hinted at you sleeping in so I waited to see if you’d call me.  I took Makka and Cocoa out and we went running.  After I returned, Makka settled in for a nap.”

“He tires more easily these days.”

“I know.  I stayed for a while to make sure he settled down, making breakfast in the meantime.  Nothing extravagant.  Some sweet eggs and fruit.  After talking to you, I checked on Makka before gathering my skate bag and heading to the rink with Cocoa.”

“What program did you work on today?”

“ _Unravel_.  I felt a bit on edge.”

“Because of me?”

“No.  Not really.  I mean, I’m worried about you…because I care deeply about you.  But…I’m nervous about going to the counselor,” he confessed.

“I was nervous, too,” Victor whispered.

“I know…but you haven’t been turned away.  I don’t know if I can handle being discounted once more.  I am glad you are going with me.”

“I won’t let you face that alone.  We already have to expose ourselves.”

“Indeed.  After skating, I returned home, worked on homework, prepared lunch.  Miso soup.”

“That’s light.  Are you feeling well?”

“When my anxiety acts up, either I want to eat a lot or not at all.”  He paused a moment studying Victor.  His eyes were closed now, just listening to the lull of his voice.  “I went to dance after lunch.  I ran through my solo pieces.  The others joined me around three.  We danced through the anxiety choreography twice.  Then I came home where you called me.”

“Are you still feeling anxious?” Concern laced his murmur.

“I’m better now,” Yuuri assured him.  “Skating helped a lot.  Dancing brought me back to center.”

“Skating helped me as well.”  Victor’s voice was very soft and sleepy.

“Vitya…you can sleep now,” Yuuri gentled his voice even further.

“Okay, Yuuri.”

“I love you, my Vitya.”

“I love you, too, my Yuuri.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Excitedly jumps up and down)
> 
> I can't wait until next chapter! I should have it up by tomorrow. If all goes well. Barring Murphy's Law. I hope you liked this one. I hope your hair didn't fall out when Victor woke up and realized he wasn't alone. I just had to show another level of trust.


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor's free skate!

* * *

 

 

**Detroit, Michigan**

 

Yuuri entered the living space of their apartment with his dance bag slung over his shoulder.  “Phichit? Do you think you could help me with another little project this morning?”

Phichit raised an eyebrow.  “Another video?”

“Maybe.  I already told Celestino I’m moving practice to this evening.”

“Let me echo that and grab my camera bag.”

Yuuri offered him a grateful smile.  Soon they were walking in step towards the fine arts building.  “I was thinking, Yuuri, that if we time my photo exhibition the week of your show that we could offer the reception where my photography is displayed.”

“That’s actually not a bad plan.  Do you think you can get it scheduled?”

“Possibly.  I’m going to take some shots today, by the way.”

Yuuri laughed, bumping into him playfully.  “It’s not like I can turn you down.”

“Nope.  Besides, I have enough blackmail material on you that I could probably extort five lifetimes of favors.”

“You are underestimating the material I have on you,” Yuuri countered.

“And you are underestimating my total lack of shame.”

Yuuri paused and studied his friend before agreeing.  “You’re completely right.”

They bumped into Julia as they entered the building.  “Hi, Yuuri, Phichit.  I watched you skate last week.  So glad you’re back!”

“Hi, Jules,” Phichit countered.  “I think Yuuri is still in shock he made podium.”

“I’m not.  I always felt your genius was underestimated.”

Yuuri stifled a snort.  “I think genius is a bit much.  I’m a bit too off the hinge for all that.”

“No, you are not.  Geniuses are always tormented souls.  What are you doing here so early, anyway?”

Phichit’s eyes crinkled as Yuuri blushed.  “It’s…sort of a personal project,” he admitted rubbing the back of his neck with his hand.

Julia looked from one to the other before asking, “Need help?”

“Ummm, well, you see…Victor skates today.  We are making a video to send to him.”

“Oh!  To wish him luck.”

Yuuri nodded but added, “Somewhat more personal than that.”

 Her eyes widened as she looked from one to the other.  “A dirty good luck video?”

Yuuri laughed nervously.  “Not exactly.”

Phichit threw an arm around both and led them to the open studio.  “Think of it more as foreplay.”

Yuuri’s eyes widened and he stumbled, face reddening.  Julia responded with an exaggerated, “Aaaah!”

They entered the studio and Yuuri disappeared into the dressing room.  “So what’s the plan?” Julia asked.

“I’m not sure.  He sent one the other day that had him lacing his skates while he wished him good luck.”

“For one, I’m going to dance the _Stammi Vicino_ aria,” Yuuri called out from the dressing room.

“It’s sort of their song,” Phichit explained to Julia.

Yuuri reeintered the studio carrying a pair of pointe shoes.  Julia raised an eyebrow as he walked across the studio and carefully arranged them on a bench near the barre.  He then moved to the barre and began to warm up.  Julia stepped over next to him and ran through the warm up steps and stretches with him.  “So, the shoes…”

“H-he asked me to put them on.”

“He wants to see you in pointe shoes?”

“He wants to see me _put on_ pointe shoes,” he restated in emphasis, his cheeks dusting pink.

Her eyes widened in realization.  “O-ooh.  You’re going to…he likes…wow!”  She fanned herself and moved to the sidelines with Phichit.  “I see what you mean now by foreplay.”

“I did warn you,” Phichit teased.  “I live with them…so it’s not near as shocking to me.”

“So this kind of thing is normal?”

“Mmmhmmm.  I could show you some pictures.”

“Let her wait for the show,” Yuuri called out knowing perfectly well that the pictures Phichit planned to show her were not in the show.

Phichit shrugged and smiled.  “Are you about ready?”

“Sure.  Set up the music.  Julia, do you mind running the sound while Phichit films?”

“No, of course not!”  Her excitement at being a part of something like this was palpable.  Yuuri shook his head in amusement.

Phichit started filming at the bench where the shoes were laid out panning slowly to Yuuri as he took his initial pose.  Phichit then signaled her to start the music.  Yuuri moved through the solo that would introduce their performance at the end of April.  He worked the jumps and spins in mirror to Victor’s skate until he settled into the final pose, his face set with yearning. Phichit stopped the video.

“Do you want the shoe scene separate?”

“He gets that for winning,” Yuuri responded with a wink.

“Lord.  As if the competition stood a chance before!”

Yuuri grinned. 

* * *

 

 

**Stockholm, Sweden**

 

Victor was seated in the locker room when the video arrived.  Chris noticed his expression change and poked his head over his friend’s shoulder.  “Is that?”  Victor nodded.  “Is he dancing to?”  Again Victor nodded. 

“I didn’t expect him to send me his dance,” Victor whispered.  “I miss dancing with him.”

“Is this going into the recital you told me about?”

“Yes!”  Victor turned to Chris, his face lighting up.  “You should come!  We have an extra room.  Well, my room.  I sleep with Yuuri anymore.”

“I see.  Well, it is during my down time.”

“It’s just that…you will understand it better than most.  The story behind it.”

“You don’t mean…”

Victor nodded, his voice softening.  “He dances through his pain, Chris.”

“Mon Dieu!  I-I’ll see what I can do.  Text me the exact dates.”

Victor flipped back to his messages after watching the video and saw that a message followed promising more should he take the gold.  He blushed at the thought.  “God, his eros!” he hissed.

“Oui?” Chris murmured from the next dressing table over. 

“It slips up on you,” he answered, showing Chris the text message following the video. 

Chris chuckled in reply.  “That’s not even fair to the rest of us.  You don’t NEED motivation.”

“Maybe today I do…”

Chris regarded his friend a moment.  “A couple more days and you’ll be back by his side.”

“I know.  Then I’m never going to let him leave my side.”

Chris smiled, casting an indulgent glance towards his friend. 

 

Victor skated to the center ice and lowered his head for the first strains of _[Stammi Vicino](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTLwdTfWdCA)_.  He pushed off feeling his heart embracing Yuuri. 

_“I hear a voice weeping in the distance_ __  
Have you maybe been abandoned as well?”  
  


_I think I’ve been searching for you my entire life,_

_Feeling lost until you waltzed into my world…_

__  
“Come now, I'll quickly finish this glass of wine  
I’ll start to get ready  
Be quiet now”  
  


_I spotted you lost, abandoned, losing your pain in champagne,_

_I wanted to reach for you, to pull you away from that table…_

__  
“With a sword I wish I could cut those throats singing about love  
I wish I could enclose in ice the hands that write those verses of burning passion”  
  


_If only I followed that instinct, but still, we found each other,_

_Because all I have for you is burning desire, unfaltering love, although it torments me in our separation…_

__  
“This story that has no meaning  
Will vanish tonight together with the stars  
If I could see you, eternity will be born from hope”

_I thought I’d lose you that night,_

_You disappeared and even when I found you, I cried in anguish for your pain,_

_Yet…I needed you_ __  
  
“Stay close to me, don’t go away  
I’m afraid of losing you”  
  


_I had to keep reaching for you,_

_I could not abandon you_

__  
“Your hands, your legs,  
My hands, my legs,  
And our heartbeats  
Are blending together”  
  


_We are so connected_

_Entangled_

_We cannot be unraveled_

_We are too interwoven_

__  
“Let’s leave together  
I’m ready now”  

_All I want is to spend_

_Every moment together_

 

The applause spoke to him.  He knew as he took his final pose he had won.  The scores finalized the stance for the podium.  Gold for Victor, silver falling to Chris, with Georgi just managing to take the bronze.

Leaving the podium, he took his phone back from Yakov and smiled at the waiting message.

He opened the screen to reveal Yuuri straddling the bench.  Before him lay the pointe shoes.  He reached for the ribbons of the first shoe and pulled it in his direction.  He slowly slipped it onto his foot, seating his heal in place before wrapping the ribbon around his calf.  The next shoe followed in deliberate movement, prolonging each movement, celebrating each tug and pull.  He then spun around to face forward.  Was that a smirk?  Oh, and that was definitely a wink.  He didn’t say a word.  Moving to the bar, he moved through the various positions before rising up on pointe with one hand on the barre. 

Victor's breath caught.  

Then he realized the story wasn't over.   

Then he did a double take as Yuuri nodded to someone across the room and a [song ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7WsoeQjJzRY&list=PL02E3A100DF06E55C&index=34)began to filter through.  During the initial notes, Victor watched in fascination as Julie stepped forward and began to dress him, the sheer fabric sliding onto his shoulders like a robe, the jewels resting on his forehead, the longer fabric slipping over his head and wrapping around his shoulders loosely.  Yuuri's eyes closed as he began to move the music.  The dance was unrehearsed, Yuuri's experience taking him to move through the song, reacting to the rise and fall of the music, his hips and arms showing exotic moves that were unexpected, surprising.  As the notes closed, he lifted his eyes to face the camera, his yearning for the other man evident in the emotion within them.

Victor remained breathless.  He could die and they would never discover the cause of death because he just lost his heart watching a video of this beautiful Japanese man.

_**V/ ...** _

_**V/ ...** _

_**V/ There are no words to describe what is going through me right at this moment.** _

_**V/ You are breathtaking.** _

_**Y/ As were you.  Come home soon, Vitya.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know we are ready for our boys to get back together. Soon, my loves. Soon.


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Homecoming!

* * *

 

**Detroit, Michigan**

 

Yuuri awakened, his movements humming with excitement.  Today, he would see him again at the airport.  He double checked the arrival time on the itinerary Victor sent him.  13:15.  He could dance, his excitement was so uncontainable.  Of course, it was only 5:30 at the moment.  He dressed, his energy uncontainable, leashed the dogs and prepared for a run.  Phichit was still sleeping.  He let himself out of the apartment quietly.

The air greeted him with its February chill.  He pulled the scarf up around his mouth and nose.  The last thing he wanted today was a sore throat.  Not with Victor coming home!  After Cocoa and Makka relieved themselves in the dog park, Yuuri cleaned up, stretched, selected a more challenging playlist, and took off down the path.  He had a five mile trek planned up and down hill.  The dogs fell into stride with him, happy for the morning exercise. 

The climb was steady and he felt winded with the pace he set as he crested the hill.  He pulled to a stop to let Makka rest, hydrating and filling a collapsible dishes with water for each dog.  He loved this place where he could survey the vista, taking in the campus, the cityscape beyond that with its lights blinking on and off with the rising dawn. 

He switched playlists for the second half of the run.  It would increase quickly then slowly work him down into a cool down as he wrapped up his run.  Once he settled the dogs and grabbed breakfast, he planned to hit the rink and get his skating out of the way.  He laughed at the thought.  But today, skating was a distraction and he wanted to focus on Victor.

Phichit was up and yawning sleepily when Yuuri reentered the apartment.  “No practice?” he asked.

“I’ve got an exam today.  I’ll hit the rink after.  I was up late studying.”

“I’m ahead on my schoolwork so I don’t have anything planned after the rink.”

“Except Victor,” Phichit pointed out with raised eyebrows.

Yuuri smiled, his face lighting up.  “Except Victor.”  He began to bounce up and down as he worked on grabbing the components of his breakfast.  He felt his excitement in every turn today. 

“He’s probably going to want to sleep,” Phichit deadpanned.

Yuuri shrugged unfazed.  “Then we sleep.”

An apple in hand, Yuuri waved at Phichit as he slung his skate bag over his shoulder and headed out the door.  He practically skipped as he took the mile long path toward the rink.  Cocoa kept looking warily at her human.  They arrived at the rink and he released her so that she could curl up on her pillow.  He changed and found himself on the ice working through his warm up movements.  Celestino raised an eyebrow at his normally subdued student’s exuberance.

Yuuri moved into compulsory figures while he waited for his opportunity to run through his programs.  Victor suggested he work on his quad Salchow and plan to start developing his quad Lutz when he returned.  Thus, he moved into jump practice working from singles to doubles to triples of all six jumps then focusing on quad toe loops, quad loops, and quad Salchows. 

Celestino called him to break for fifteen and then run through his free skate choreography.  Victor FaceTimed with Celestino and Yuuri the previous day to discuss a few changes in the jump elements to make his program more competitive for Worlds.  He ran through the program marking the jumps that he would work on with Victor.   After two runs on the free skate, Yuuri turned to his short program.  _Unravel_ was currently unchanged.  Thus, Yuuri ran through the existing program with jumps in place.  A glance at the time upon conclusion revealed that it was nearing eleven.  His coach laughed at his eagerness and let him go. 

Yuuri removed his skates, replacing them with his trainers, and packed up to run home.  He passed Phichit on the trek back to their apartment.  “How did the exam go?”

“I am thankful I’m not a Physics major?”

Yuuri grinned.  “I have to echo that sentiment.”

“Have fun with Victor,” Phichit waved and they parted.

Once at the apartment, Yuuri let Cocoa settle in with Makka while he showered and dressed with care.  A cab was scheduled to pick him up at noon to take him to the airport.  At the given time, he skipped down the stairs two at a time, Cocoa and Makka following close behind on their leads. 

The cab driver raised an eyebrow at the introduction of not one, but two poodles into his car.  The dogs settled down quickly, though, and the driver took off to the airport.

They arrived with twenty minutes to spare.  Yuuri stood at the window waiting for Victor’s flight to land. 

Makka’s bark alerted him and Yuuri looked up to meet blue eyes on the other side of the glass.  They held each others eyes for a moment frozen.  It only took a moment, thought, before they were both running towards the entrance.

The door slid open and suddenly Victor was in his arms.  They stared at each other, caught transfixed by the sight of one another.  Victor’s fingers traced something down his face.  Oh, he was crying.  Victor leaned forward and kissed away the tears on his face as Yuuri took in his boyfriend’s scent, cloves and cinnamon.  God! He missed that smell!  His kisses trailed down Victor’s cheeks even as Victor responded in kind, lips fluttering kisses down a steady path along his jaw to his chin. 

Yuuri lifted his chin meeting Victor’s eyes and holding them, both of them wearing their yearning on the surface.  Victor dropped his forehead as Yuuri lifted up on his tiptoes, brushing the lips together.  Victor pulled back startled at first, searching Yuuri's eyes, and Yuuri blinked even as his hand pulled down on the back of Victor’s neck wanting more.  Victor returned the brush of lips and they continued trading back and forth for several strokes before Yuuri shifted, opening his lips to welcome the other. Victor answered with a growl as he claimed those lips fully receiving an answering moan in response, Yuuri’s body molding to his as Victor’s arms tightened around his back. 

A whine beside them brought them back to present.  Victor released Yuuri with a reluctant chuckle as he dropped down to his knee to greet Makka.  “Hello, Makka!  Daddy’s home!  Have you been good for Yuuri?”

Yuuri watched indulgently as Victor shed love onto his beloved dog, Yuuri’s own hand finding the curls from Cocoa near enough to tangle them within.  Victor looked up from where he knelt.  “I never want to be apart from you…and most definitely not for such a long period of time.”

“I feel the same.  It may prove challenging but I don’t think those challenges can compare to being apart.”

Victor rose to kiss Yuuri's forehead once more.  “Let’s go home, Yuuri.  I need to cuddle with you.”

Yuuri smiled and held out his hand.  They stopped to gather his luggage and found a cab to haul them back.

Two hours later, Victor emerged from a shower where he washed away the travel smells and crawled across the bed where Yuuri waited for him already changed into his soft sleep pants and t-shirt.  Victor buried himself into Yuuri’s chest even as Yuuri rested his cheek against his lover’s head.  The weariness of his trip overtook Victor and he soon slept in the warmth and comfort of his boyfriend’s embrace, Makka curled up against his back, Cocoa cuddled into Yuuri’s other side. 

Yuuri smiled at his family even as he allowed himself to slip into the luxury of a nap.


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quiet talks among friends and lovers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are back in Detroit for the next few chapters unless stated otherwise.

* * *

 

 

Yuuri awakened to butterfly kisses on his face and fingers lightly glancing over the surface of his skin.  He opened his eyes and smiled.  “Hello,” he whispered, winding his arms around Victor’s neck and pulling him down into a kiss.  The sun cast long shadows across the room. 

Victor wrapped his arms around him, tightening his hold as he deepened their kiss.  “My Yuuri,” he moaned softly as he come up for air.  Yuuri stared into his lover’s eyes taking in the tenderness of his expression.

Yuuri toyed with the hair at the base of Victor’s neck.  “We need to move.  I can’t sleep all day, Victor.” 

Victor pulled away enough to study his lover’s expression.  “Shall we take the dogs out?  Maybe take a walk?”

“I think they’d appreciate the exercise.  I ran them this morning, though.”

“A walk it is.  Come on, Yuuri.”  Victor held out his hand inviting Yuuri to follow him to his feet.  They slipped into their respective bathrooms and put their appearance in order.  Sweats and  t-shirts were the uniform of the day.  Yuuri left his room with a pullover and his Mizuno zip up.  Victor emerged with a similar look.  Dogs shadowed their partners worked their way through the kitchen, Victor grabbing trail mix and fruit, Yuuri filling their water bottles.  Leashes in hand, the two dogs danced around their feet in excitement.

“How far do you want to go?”

“Show me where you ran this morning,” Victor suggested.

Yuuri smiled softly.  “Good choice.  The view at the top of the hill will be amazing.”

They walked briskly chatting about nonsense day-to-day life matters.  Yuuri told Victor how the reworked program was going.  Victor discussed some of the pushes other skaters were exhibiting in their programs.  The third quad would help Yuuri become more competitive.  He needed it.  Then there would only be the Lutz and the Flip to learn.  Unless he added the quad Axel.  They both laughed at that suggestion as that wasn’t even ratified yet.

“Have you ever landed one?” Yuuri asked curiously.

“In practice, I came close a few times.  I don’t know if I’ll work it out before I retire.  We shall see.”

“I’m still falling frequently on my Salchow.”

“I’ll watch you closely as you practice and see if we can determine what is wrong.  Too bad Yuri isn’t here.  He has the physics of that jump down.  I know how it feels but it is hard to describe sometimes.”

“I don’t think Yuri would help me.”

“Why do you say that?”

“He made his feelings about my competing very clear during the Finals.”

Victor chuckled.  “Did you meet up with the angry kitten?”

“Yes.   It wasn’t my finest moment then he came plowing in.  He seemed to take it personally.”

“Yuri is a curious child.  Always angry.  But if he confronted you, it is because he had high expectations.”

Yuuri considered these words, mulling them over as they fell into silence for a few minutes.  Victor glanced over at him but could see Yuuri was in his head.  Finally, he stopped and looked at Victor, tilting his head to one side.  “So…I disappointed him?”

“Something like that.  He doesn’t always understand the many factors that drives a skate.  The emotions behind the program can sometimes be lost to him.  He knows ambition and anger.  I’d love to see him skate something more altruistic, more pure.”

“Like Agape.”

Victor grinned.  “Like Agape,” he agreed.  “Can you imagine if he pulled it off?  It would be a stretch for him.  He would grow as a skater and performer.”

“I’d just like to skate free of my anxiety.”

“You do when you practice.  It is the pressure of the performance that throws you.”

“No…not the performance.  It’s the competition aspect.  I want to win.  I just can’t seem to make it happen.  It makes me frustrated.”

“You did better in Four Continents.”

“I felt…grounded by you.  I wonder how I will do at Worlds when you are physically there.”

Victor smiled thoughtfully.  “I wonder that as well.”

They crested the hill as the sun set and looked over the city dipping into twilight.  Yuuri leaned into Victor’s shoulder feeling the sheltering arm wrap around him.  “It really is a beautiful view,” Victor murmured.  Yuuri looked up and realized Victor was looking at him.  He dropped his eyes shyly, blush dusting his cheeks.

They began their decent.  “This would have been a challenging run,” Victor commented. 

Yuuri laughed as he took Victor’s hand.  “We took a break at the crest of the hill then, too.”

Victor caught Yuuri’s hand with his free hand.  “What kind of program would you have me skate, Victor?”

Victor smiled as if he held onto a secret.  “I have one I’m working on for you as a matter of fact.”

Yuuri looked his direction, eyes widening in surprise. “You’re creating a program for me?”

“Of course I am,” Victor murmured.  “I have several in the works.”

A soft smile settled on Yuuri as he considered this.

They arrived back at the apartment to find that Phichit had ordered in for supper. 

 

* * *

 

 

Phichit turned towards the other two skaters, each taking up one end of the couch, their legs tangled together.  “So, I held off on my findings until you came home, Victor.  However, I’d like to discuss the results of my investigation with you both.”

Victor grew serious, turning to sit upright.  Yuuri drew his legs underneath him.  “Can we include Chris in this conversation?” ased Victor.  “He was…there as well…that night,” he finished quietly.

“Skype?  Will he be up?” Phichit asked as he moved between his two friends, laptop in hand.

“He went to a club tonight.  He should be coming down from that.”

Phichit sent the Skype call through.  Chris’s face appeared onscreen.  “Oh, hi, Phichit.  I see you have my favorite couple there with you.  What’s going on?”

“Did you have fun tonight?” Victor answered with an eyebrow raised.

“Oui!  Why do you ask?”

“You still have glitter.”

Chris grinned.  “Well, I was born to shine.”

“Ezio with you?”

Chris shook his head.  “They have early practice.  He went back to his place so his sister wouldn’t torment him about the late night.”

Phichit took back the conversation.  “We were about to discuss what I’ve learned about the various attacks.  I wanted to wait until Victor returned and he pointed out that you are vested in this as well.”

Chris grew serious and nodded.  “Of course.  Thank you for including me.”

“As we all know, in the last year there were domestic attacks on the close of competitions involving a skater in Japan, Italy, France, and Korea.  Add to that Sochi, and we have five in the last year.  I looked further back and found three more last year and another one possible a year before that.  Sochi is still the only international competition.  There was one in China, another in Russia near Moscow, Sweden, and the earliest one was in Berlin.”

Phichit paused and looked around at the others’ expressions.  Yuuri’s expression was closed and Phichit knew he was processing all of this information.  Victor furrowed his eyebrows and tapped his lip thoughtfully with his index finger.  Chris pulled at his lower lip with two fingers.  Phichit finally continued.  “From the reports, I was able to conclude the following commonalities.  Two perpetrators.  Victims were all male figure skaters.  They were drugged by some aerosol spray.  Each one took place in a hotel associated with the events.  They took place after the final competition and thus did not affect the outcome of the competition.  Most of the skaters did not return to competition after the fact.  Most news sources stuck to vague terms such as “attack” and “assault”.  Thus, we can’t say for certain that the skaters were in fact raped.  However, given all of the other facts, I think it’s a forgone conclusion.”

“I can confirm Korea was in fact a rape,” Yuuri stated quietly.

“So is Sochi an outlier or an escalation?” Chris mused.  The others looked at him in surprise.  “Let’s look at the facts.  The previous ones were domestics.  It is only at the end we see Sochi.”

“Anything reported from Four Continents?” Victor inquired.

“Celestino talked with the coaches and officials.  It was pretty locked down by the end.  If they were there, I don’t think they could make a move,” Phichit stated.

“Did you check to see if anything turned up after Europeans?” Yuuri inquired.

Phichit shook his head.  “It would be just hitting the stands at best.  Let me see.”  Phichit tapped away on the computer.  “Sorry, Chris.  I have you minimized at the moment.”

“That’s fine.  I’m running searches on my end.”

Phichit froze, his expression falling.  Yuuri leaned forward and looked over his shoulder.  They then heard “Mon dieu!” over skype.

“Do you know that person?” Phichit asked.

“Yes.  Well, more like Ezio knows him.  That means…”

“It’s no longer domestic,” Yuuri finished quietly.

“He’s out of Austria.  An ice dancer and only eighteen.”  Chris’s expression was tormented.  “So young.  This was his first year competing with seniors.”

“So no longer just figure skaters?” Yuuri asked, looking towards Phichit.

Phichit looked through his notes.  “It looks like that’s the case.  The other names I have were fig…oh, wait.  The first one.  It was a pairs skater.”

“Maybe figure skaters are selected for convenience,” Victor suggested.  They all looked at him.  “Well, pairs and dancers tend to stick together.  Figure skaters are just as likely to be alone.  Look at Sueng-Gil.  Or, where Yuuri was at Sochi.  Easy to isolate.”

Yuuri nodded in confirmation.  “I never considered the danger.  I…never considered the possibility of being raped.  I am a man.  I thought I could take care of myself.  Also, socializing is difficult for me.  It’s hard for me to get to know other people.”

“You were the perfect choice,” Phichit stated softly.

Yuuri drew his knees to his chest, dropping his head down.  It took a moment before they realized he was shaking.  Victor moved quickly to drop down in front of him, smoothing his hair.  “You are okay, now.  It will get better.”

“It’s my fault.  I set myself up.  I made myself vulnerable.”  His voice went higher. 

Phichit had a hand on Yuuri’s shoulder rubbing comforting circles into it. 

Victor kept repeating softly, “It’s not your fault.  You did not choose this.” 

Chris watched the scene unfold.  Finally, he stated, “The problem isn’t your choices, Yuuri.  Any of us would have gone back to our room alone.  We were unaware of the threat.  Now we know.  We are more conscientious.  The problem is…not everyone knows.”

“We need to do something to raise awareness,” Phichit concluded.

Victor turned towards the circle of friends.  “We need to move this investigation to an international scale.  Phichit, can you add our discussion to your notes and send me a copy?”

Phichit nodded.  “What do you have in mind?”

“I’m getting a copy to Yakov who will contact both ISU and his contacts in Interpol.”

Both of his roommates gaped at him.  “Just how connected is he?” asked Yuuri incredulously.

Victor shrugged.  “We don’t ask.  Sometimes it’s best not to know.”

They shook their head allowing the information to absorb.

Chris finally broke the silence.  “I’m going to have to get some sleep, my friends.  If you do this again, though, let me in.”

“Of course,” Phichit responded followed by echoes of ‘good night’ from the roommates.

The call ended and Phichit pulled his laptop into his lap to add to his report.  “Yuuri, have you remembered anything else?”

“A-a few things.  N-nothing definitive.”

“Do you mind sharing?”

Yuuri pushed himself off his corner of the couch and disappeared down the hall.  He returned a few minutes later with a notebook and handed it to Phichit.  Phichit’s eyebrows raised.

“Have you been keeping this since it happened?”

Yuuri nodded.  “If I write it down, my mind can let it go somewhat.  Otherwise it keeps winding around in my thoughts like an earworm.”

“I see.  Do you mind if I look through it and possibly transcribe some of the information into my notes?”

“Some are dreams.  I’m not sure how accurate that would be.”

Phichit thumbed through the notebook before responding, “Some are but you have them marked.  I should be able to glean the memories from the rest.”

“Okay,” Yuuri responded quietly, suddenly feeling vulnerable.  He tapped the edge of the sofa in a nervous tick that brought Cocoa to his side.  He invited her into his lap and buried his head into her fur.  Victor slipped an arm around his waist, still seated in the floor beside him.  “I don’t want to be afraid,” he finally stated.  The others remained quiet, not quite knowing what to say.

Victor stood, pulling Yuuri into his arms.  "Would you rather skate it out or dance?"

Yuuri looked up, grateful that Victor understood him.  "Skate.  Will you join me?"

"Of course.  Phichit?"

"Go ahead.  I have an exam to study."

Skate bags in hand, the two lovers went out into the night, Cocoa hanging close to her partner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m moving towards utilizing the word “partner” when talking about the relationship between service dogs and their humans. I’m seeing this more and more in my research and really, it is a working relationship.
> 
> *whispers* I just plotted out Worlds. ;)


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Muddled thoughts...so typical Yuuri.

* * *

 

 

Victor kept a watchful eye on Yuuri as he skated through his pain.  He tried to imagine what was playing in his thoughts.  He didn’t recognize the movements but knew that Yuuri would sometimes freestyle his dancing both on and off the ice.  The playlist seemed to surge through him as Yuuri pushed his frustrations and anger off onto the ice. 

What astounded him were his jumps.  Victor watched in amazement as Yuuri landed one after another.  Yuuri who normally flubbed his jumps was nailing them.  That told Victor one key factor.  It wasn’t technique Yuuri lacked.  He had the instinct.  He just overthought it…thinking through the steps causing the jump to break down.  If he left it to instinct, they came naturally.  Victor began to film after the Yuuri landed his second jump.  How does he get that to translate into his skate programs?

Yuuri skated over to where he stood, dropping his head against Victor’s shoulder  Victor slipped an arm around the other skater’s waist and waited.  Yuuri breathed heavy from his exertion and worked to steady it before he spoke.  Brushing a kiss against Victor’s shoulder, he turned his face so that his cheek rested on the older man’s shoulder.  “Thank you”

“I’ll meet you where you need me, my Yuuri,” he murmured.

“I know…but you need to know that I appreciate it, that I appreciate you.”

“I do know it.  Now, are you ready or do you need to skate some more?”

“Let’s go home, Vitya.”

 

* * *

 

 

Arriving home, Yuuri went to shower as Victor took out Makka.  As Victor returned, he changed for bed and moved to Yuuri’s room.  He never even asked anymore.  If Yuuri wanted space, he’d say something.  Otherwise, it was assumed Victor would sleep here.  As he settled into the blankets, he heard the shower tap cut off.  He closed his eyes and waited.

Movement caused Victor to peek through the slits in his eyes.  Yuuri stood leaning against the door of the bathroom chewing on his lower lip as if coming to a decision.  Then he watched in curious fascination as his boyfriend approached the foot of the bed.  He put one knee onto the bed then the next, reaching out to slide up Victor’s body.  Victor shifted to pull Yuuri into his side.  “I want to show you some video tomorrow.”

“Oh?”

“Yes.  Some jumps I want you to study and dissect.”

Yuuri nodded slowly then snuggled in as he lifted his mouth to kiss the underside of Victor’s chin.  Victor shifted to capture Yuuri’s kiss with his own.  “Mmmm, Yuuri.”  Yuuri pulled back and studied Victor and his lover wasn’t certain what to make of that determined expression.  “Yuuri?”

Yuuri leaned forward and kissed Victor more aggressively, biting and nibbling at his lips.  Victor’s mind was awhirl trying to sort out the emotions Yuuri was stirring in him.  Victor was shook and uncertain even as Yuuri’s hands started exploring him, reaching beneath his shirt, demanding…something.  Victor finally took his boyfriend’s shoulders and pushed him back.  Yuuri’s eyes widened in surprise, then hurt.

Victor drew a ragged breath to recenter his thoughts.  “Yuuri, what’s going on?”

“I thought you would want to…” Yuuri turned away, covering his face.  Embarrassment and something else exuded from his body.

“Yuuri, first of all let me establish that I do want to become more intimate with you.  However, I don’t want to at the expense of your well-being.”

“I-I don’t understand.”

Victor slowly turned Yuuri to face him.  Reaching up gently, he pulled the hands from the younger man’s face.  He tenderly wiped away the tears that were falling.  “We only just kissed, love.  That took us time to get there…because you weren’t ready.  If I didn’t rush a kiss, you must know I’m not going to rush sex.”

Yuuri looked down studying his fingers as he pulled at them.  “I want to be normal,” Yuuri whispered.

Victor ran a finger down Yuuri’s arm as he considered his words.  “There is nothing abnormal about waiting, Yuuri.  Would it make you feel better if you knew I’m not ready?”

“Y-you’re not?  But you’ve…” Yuuri’s voice trailed off uncertainly.

“I know.  I’ve had relationships in the past.  But this one right here is the one that is important to me…so important that I will wait to make sure you’re ready.”

“I’m afraid…that I’ll never be ready, Vitya.  I’m afraid that they took this away from me.”  Victor could see the tears start to gather in Yuuri’s eyes once more.  He could feel the frustration in his body.

Victor tilted his head and smiled tenderly.  “This isn’t about them, Yuuri.  This is about us.  And you will one day be in the right place.”

“And how long are you willing to wait?” he asked uncertainly.

“As long as it takes.”  Victor ran a finger down the side of his face and lifted Yuuri’s chin to look in his eyes.  “We are seeing a counselor tomorrow.  Let’s add this to our list of concerns to discuss with her.”

Eyebrows drawing together, he tightened the muscles in his face.  “It’s just so much.” 

“I know, _zvezda moya_ , but that’s why we are getting help.  They will help us sort through this.”  He drew Yuuri into his arms and brushed a kiss into his hair.  “It will be fine.  Maybe not tonight.  Or in the morning.  But _it will be fine_.”  He could feel his lover start to relax in his embrace.  “Let’s sleep now, my Yuuri.”

Yuuri nodded against him.  Victor tilted his chin up and brushed a very gentle kiss across the other’s lips.  A little smile found its way to the surface.  It will be fine.


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first session...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so thankful to those who shared their experiences with me so that I can make this more authentic.

* * *

 

Victor awakened early the next morning.  He slipped from his lover’s embrace and leaned over him to brush a kiss over his lips before moving to deal with the needs of their companions.  The dogs followed his steps eagerly and he chuckled softly.  It never mattered who took them out.  Usually the first one up and that would occasionally be Phichit even.  He missed this, though.  Two weeks gone and he missed the mundane, the routine of their lives together. 

As he stood in the cold, he realized that in such a short time, he became completely entwined in Yuuri’s life.  Everything operated on Yuuri time.  He scheduled his world around Yuuri’s needs.  He considered the next phase of their life.  After graduation.  He wanted to know Yuuri’s family, the friends he grew up.  He wanted to be further entrenched in Yuuri’s world.

He tugged the leashes and led them back upstairs.  Yuuri was in the kitchen and Phichit on the stool while Yuuri put their breakfast together.  Victor released the dogs and slipped in behind Yuuri, wrapping his arms around his waist as he pressed a kiss against his temple.  “Good morning.”

Yuuri’s cheeks dusted pink and he shyly ducked away.  But Victor spied the soft smile he held.  The blender finally stirred and soon they were chugging a protein shake.  Phichit joined them for their morning jog and grabbed first ice while the others worked on their other training.  He left for class as Yuuri took the ice next.  Victor stood next to Celestino as they discussed the critique of Yuuri’s routine.  Victor filmed so he could talk about it with Yuuri as well as sharing his observations from the previous night.

As Yuuri took slow circles around the rink before going into the next run of his program, Victor turned to talk to Celestino about the jumps.  “He made every quad and triple he attempted consistently last night.”

“He must have been lost in his thoughts.  When he starts overthinking his program, it seems he loses confidence,” Celestino responded.

“We came so he could skate off his anxiety.  We’ve been putting together some observations about the attacks.  Celestino, I’m concerned.  This isn’t just an isolated incident.”

“I know.  Another one happened during the Europeans.”

“Phichit went back and found the first one appeared to have happened three years ago.  All have been domestic until Sochi.  Then we have Euros.  They are getting braver.”

“We need Yakov to be in on this.”

“I’m planning to update him when he calls to critique my program.  I’ll send the files to him along with my film.  With World’s coming, I hope they at least increase security.”

“I know you will stick close to Yuuri.  I’m worried about Phichit, though.  He’s a bit of a free spirit.”

“He is…except that he’s very protective of Yuuri.  I’ll talk to Chris.  We planned to have the four of us hang out together anyway.”

Celestino nodded.  Yuuri took center ice and met his coach’s eyes.  Nodding, Yuuri took off into his _Unravel_ routine.  Victor filmed while making TES calculations in his head.  “If we can get the quad toe and quad toe loop to a four, that should help.”

“Good.  I’m not sure he’ll have his Salchow ready."  Celestino hesitated before asking the next question.  "Are you skating next season?”

“Why do you ask?”

“I’ve noticed you’ve taken quite a bit of interest in Yuuri’s training.”

“I plan to skate but I think meeting Yuuri’s needs will demand us to go to Hasetsu so that he can spend some time with his family.  Therefore, I have plans to put our programs together while I am there.”

Celestino considered Victor’s words before answering.  “You’ve never coached before and you are thinking to do this while still competing.”

“No, I haven’t…but I’ve learned quite a bit working with you.  I've been doing my own choreography for years and have choreographed programs for others.  And I’ve had Yakov over the years.”

“Yuuri wouldn’t respond well to Yakov’s coaching style.”

“I know.  He has influenced me but that’s not my approach.”

Celestino leveled a stare at him.  “It’s a little early to decide but I support Yuuri in his choices.  Just make sure you are including him in the decision process.  Have you asked him what he wanted?”

Victor glanced down.  Had he?  “We’ve touched on it but I suppose most of it has been in my head.”

“Then it sounds like you need to have a conversation.”

“Several.  I’m waiting to see how counseling goes.”

“Don’t wait too long.”

 

* * *

 

 

Victor reached in to steady Yuuri as he climbed out of the cab.  The meeting with Dr. Cara Bishop would help them decide whether or not she would continue their care while in the States.  Victor could feel Yuuri’s tension as he guided his boyfriend into the building, hand on his lower back and other hand holding his.  The receptionist checked them in and guided them into a waiting area.

Yuuri looked around the room.  Only one other person was present and she scrolled through her phone and ignored them.  About ten minutes later, another woman exited the office and went to the one waiting.  The conversed for a moment then left. 

 

The woman standing by the door held a gentle expression as she observed the two men and their body language.  Victor’s air of protectiveness was a positive sign.  The other seemed to trust the taller man easily enough.  “Mr. Katsuki?  Mr. Nikiforv?  Would you care to join me?”

They stood and approached her.  She could tell the Japanese male was anxious.  She smiled reassuringly.  The first visit was always the most difficult.  They entered her office.

 

Yuuri looked around the room and was surprised that it had a homey feel to it.  There was a living area set up with a generous sofa and a pair of chairs facing it.  A round coffee table was placed in the middle with a carafe of water and some small disposable cups.  “Please, make yourself comfortable,” the woman stated as she motioned towards the seating area.  “By the way, I am Dr. Bishop but if you don’t mind, I prefer Cara.”

Yuuri smiled uncertainly.  It was Victor that took the initiative.  “Then please call me Victor.  I think I would be more comfortable if you would.”

“Of course,” she responded.  Lifting her eyes towards Yuuri’s, she waited for his preference. 

“I don’t mind if you call me Yuuri,” he answered quietly.

“Alright, Yuuri.  Today’s visit is to just see if you will be comfortable with me.  I would love it if you spoke freely and do not hold back the questions.  I will try to provide whatever information I feel is missed.  If at the end of the session you feel comfortable enough to proceed, I’ll set up our next appointments.  If not, I’d be happy to provide a referral.  Are we good with that?”

Yuuri looked at Victor, his eyes wide.  Victor smiled encouragingly.  Finally, Yuuri responded with an affirmative nod.  “I-is it a problem with my being male?”

Cara started at the question.  “Why would it…Yuuri, have you been turned down service based on your gender?”

Yuuri nodded.  “I went to the crisis center on campus at Wayne State.  They sent me away.  I made the others uncomfortable.”

“I apologize for the negative experience.  Is that why you delayed seeking further help?”

Yuuri nodded. 

“You will not experience that here.  I am aware that rape can occur to both males and females.  Rest assured that will not be an issue.”

Yuuri offered a nervous smile but nodded.

“Before you leave, I’d like the name of that place.  If it’s the one that I think it is, I know someone on the board.  No one should be refused access.  I admit that sometimes I meet with clients and we find that we are not a good fit.  However, I also work hard to refer them to someone I think will work for them.  My first concern is your mental well-being, Yuuri.  The same goes for you, Victor.”

“P-please keep my name out of it,” Yuuri stuttered.

Her expression softened.  “Don’t you worry.  I’m certain you are not the only one they turned away.  You might be surprised how often this happens.  I just want to make sure that the next person gets the help they need even if it is a referral to a private counselor like myself.”

“T-thank you,” he murmured.  “I…don’t really know…what to ask,” Yuuri confessed, studying the hands folded in his lap.

Victor reached out and squeezed Yuuri’s hand.  “May I?” he interjected.  Yuuri nodded.  “Okay, Yuuri.  Feel free to jump in as you feel comfortable.”  He turned back to the counselor.  “How much of our story do you know?”

“I know that Yuuri was raped and that you were the one who found him.  Yuuri also informed me that he has an anxiety disorder and signs of PTSD which is understandable.  He has also told me that you are his support but he worries that you don’t have the support that you need.  I also know that he has the aid of a psychological support animal.”

Yuuri leaned towards Victor as he nodded, pulling strength from his partner who offered him a reassuring squeeze of the hand.

She studied him for a moment before continuing.  “I want you to be comfortable with me as your counselor.  That is the only way this will work.”

“I-I want that as well,” he responded, his body slowly opening up.  He glanced up towards Victor who seemed fairly relaxed except for his concern for Yuuri.  “I-it’s been difficult.  I’ve had friends that have helped me.  But I still have nightmares.  Smells and sounds startle me and sometimes send me back to that p-place.  I-I know I’m better but n-not back to n-normal.”

“It’s a journey to get back to that place, Yuuri.  I can provide you with a few pathways and we can decide from there the direction we will take with your therapy.”

Yuuri glanced towards Victor who offered him an encouraging smile.  “W-we would l-like to see you together.”

She nodded quietly as she lifted a cup of tea and took a sip.  “I can see you as a couple.  Especially if some of the therapies we are looking at are couples related.  However, I’d like to meet with you each individually.  I think that it is necessary.  I can tell how protective your partner is towards you.  It will cause both of you to hold back to a certain degree.”

Victor leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.  “Won’t the private sessions bleed into the couples sessions?”

“The content will influence the direction but the content will be held in confidence.  I record my sessions and review my transcripts and notes before we move to the next session.  Things brought from the private session to the couples session will be with the consent of the individual.  You will not be blindsided.”

“I don’t know how long we will be here in Detroit.  Yuuri graduates in May.”

“We can do a lot in three months.  If your journey takes you away from here, I will help you to find someone that will take you along the next leg.”

“Thank you,” they both responded.

“So, do you think you would be comfortable with me as your counselor?”

Yuuri and Victor exchanged looks before they both nodded.  “I think I would like to try,” Yuuri added.

“Good.  I’d like to visit you each individually before we come together as a group.”  She opened up a calendar app on her tablet.  “Is this a good time for you both?”  They both nodded.  “Then, I’d like to see you in two days, Yuuri.  Wednesday at one.”  Yuuri agreed, adding the time into his phone.  “Victor, can you come in at three on Friday?” 

“That should work.  My time is fairly flexible.  We do have a competition at the end of March.”

“Don’t worry.  When we come back together next week, we can discuss our therapy schedule together and lay out a plan.  So how about the same time next Monday for the two of you?”  They both nodded and added it into their phones.  “Good.  It was good to meet you both.  You are taking positive steps forward in your recovery.”

“Thank you,” murmured Yuuri.  Victor reached out and shook her hand.  Helping Yuuri up, he guided his partner out of the office with a protective hand on his back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI...research may slow me down but it keeps me from assuming. ;)


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just don't know what to say...there is Yakov, coaching, counseling, and talk of a date...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I woke up at 4 a.m. and wrote the second to last chapter of this part. Yes, it demanded to be written although I’m not there yet. Yes, it demanded a particular song. Now that it is out of my head, I can continue pursuing this timeline as it should. I hope you enjoy these next few chapters on the way to Worlds.

* * *

 

 

Victor faced his coach in Skype.  “Yakov, did you read over the information I sent you?”

“Yes, Vitya.  I won’t lie.  It is disturbing what the four of you have uncovered.”

“The fact that they don’t hit in the same country twice makes them harder to link.  Different police agencies are involved.  But they are hitting international competitions now.”

“I’ve contacted my nephew who is an investigator with Interpol.  Would Yuuri be willing to talk with them?”

“Yes.  I believe he would.  But he’d be more comfortable if I was there with him.”

“I’ll let Nikolai know.  He’s reaching out to the individual police agencies to garner copies of their investigations.  I am also talking with ISU to see how we can increase security for the skaters at the events.”

“Nothing was uncovered at Four Continents but Yuuri worked with his coach to get awareness out there and the skaters made sure they stayed in pairs.”

“And we did the same for the figure skaters at the Europeans.  That could be why they went for the ice dancer.  I’ll continue to reach out to coaches and encourage them to do the same.  The safety of our skaters is a top priority.”

“I agree.”

“Vitya, I know you will be focused on keeping an eye on Yuuri during the Worlds.  If Celestino is willing, we can gather our skaters to keep them safe.”

“I know he’s concerned about Phichit.  I may pull Chris in as well,” Victor added.

Yakov rolled his eyes.  “The two of you together always spell trouble.”

Victor laughed.  “I’m a bit tamer now that I have Yuuri, Yakov.”

He grunted.  “We shall see.”

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri studied the film Victor placed before him.  They arrived at the rink half an hour ago and now sat huddled in the office reviewing film.  Victor talked to him about what he was thinking in the various jumps…and falls.  “In this first fall, I started reviewing the steps to the jump.  I knew even as I left the ice that the takeoff was wrong.  After that, I was shook and the rest of the jumps collapsed like dominoes.”

“But here,” Victor pointed out to the night practice, “you were not thinking about the jumps.  Your mind was following other pursuits.”

“What do you think about when you skate in competition?” Yuuri asked him suddenly.

“By competition, my program is in muscle memory triggered by the music.  Therefore, I don’t have to think about the program.  I am usually focused on my emotions and how I can use them to tell the story.”

“My best skates, I’m focused on the story.  Except this one.”  Yuuri pulled up the video from Four Continents.   “Here I was focused on you.”

“We are part of each other’s story, Yuuri.  I can say the same.  During my last few competitive skates I thought of you and it interwove into my stories.”

“It’s strange how we've become a part of each other so quickly,” murmured Yuuri.

“Maybe but I knew I wanted to pursue you the moment I laid eyes on you,” Victor whispered.

Yuuri chuckled.  “You offered me a commemorative photo and I freaked out and turned to walk the opposite direction.”

Victor laughed.  “Well, that was my failed attempt to talk to you, to break the ice.  It wasn’t the first time I laid eyes on you.”

Yuuri looked at him in surprise.  “It wasn’t?  Wait.  You were nervous about talking to me?”

“No, it wasn’t.  And yes, very nervous.  I didn’t know how to reach you.  When I spotted you at an earlier competition, you were so shy that you always seemed to hide from me.  But I saw you skate and it told me I needed to know you more.  Then we met at finals…”

“Where I promptly failed,” Yuuri provided with exasperation.

“You are focusing on your failures.  However, I could see the beauty of your sequences, the allure of your spins.  I knew something shook you up.  I wasn’t sure if it was the pressure of the Final or something else entirely.”

“Both,” Yuuri supplied.  “My anxiety was pitched high and then the added layer of depression over the loss of Vicchan.”

“I saw the beauty behind your skate, though.  I knew it was possible to get you there.  I saw you after and I wanted to reach out to you.  SO I said the first thing that come out of my mouth.”

“And that was to offer me a commemorative photo?”

Victor shrugged sheepishly.  “What can I say?  I am an idiot.”

Yuuri grinned.  “I suppose it’s good to know that you aren’t as perfect as everyone makes you out to be.”

Victor laughed heartily.  “I’m a bit of a dork but I’m crazy about you.”

Yuuri pulled his knees up to his chest.  “I don’t know where I’m going after here.”

“May?”

Yuuri nodded.  “I’ve been in Detroit for almost five years.”  He looked up at Victor, his expression thoughtful.  “You have to return to your coach eventually.”

“Perhaps…but I’d like to bring you with me.”

Yuuri dropped his eyes.  “Yakov wouldn’t want me.”

“You might be surprised, Yuuri.  But…I would work with you any day.  I-I’ve been talking with Celestino about it.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve been thinking about our future.  After graduation.  I think we should go to your hometown for a while.”

“Hasetsu?  There are no coaches there.”

“There is me,” Victor stated quietly.  “You did ask me to be your coach at the banquet.”

“I did?” Yuuri’s eyes widened in surprise.

Victor shrugged.  “Yes.  And what surprised me is that I wanted to.  I wanted to follow you.  Anywhere.  And help you achieve your dreams.”

“So if all this hadn’t happened?”

“I would still be trying to find my way to your side.  It may not have been immediate.  But I would have pursued you.”

“So…how are we going to do this?”

Victor smiled, thankful for the opening.  “Until I retire, I’m thinking we spend half a year in Japan and the other half in Russia.  I still have my flat there.”

“How would that even work?”

“Because in the early part of the season, it’s putting together programs and choreography.  That is where I excel.  And you will start building your own programs as well.  Celestino seems to think it’s possible and is very supportive if this is what you want.  Then, we go to Russia and Yakov helps us polish the programs before competition.”

“And Yakov has agreed to this?” Yuuri asked doubtfully.

“No…not exactly.  I thought I should talk to you about it first.”

“I’m not sure how this will work…but it does sound attractive to be able to spend time with my family and skate.  And to not be away from you,” he reached out towards Victor.  “We can try.  But I think we should be flexible enough that we change if necessary.  I want to win and I know you do as well.”

“Agreed.  And I like hearing you say that.  Then with your permission, I’ll talk to Yakov about it.  I’ve already been talking to Celestino.  He’s the one that made me realize that I’ve been thinking and planning but failed to talk to you about it.”

Yuuri smiled.  “I love that you’ve been thinking about our future.  I…can’t believe we are talking about this.”

“I have to admit.  I was nervous to bring it up but Celestino was afraid you’d think I was making decisions for you.”

Yuuri nodded.  “That would upset me,” he admitted.

“Then, I’m glad we talked.  Now, on the ice.  I want to walk through _Unravel_ with you and see if we can up your TES.”

Yuuri nodded and moved to the barrier.  Handing over his guards, he stepped out on the ice and moved to the center.  Victor followed.  They skated in tandem and Victor called a halt from time to time to talk about some of the technicalities.  They were going to milk the program for all of its worth.  The same with _Courage_.  Once Victor got the new components switched out, Yuuri began working the adjusted choreography. 

 

* * *

 

 

Two days passed by quickly with practice and studying.   Yuuri awakened Wednesday morning nervous and Victor knew immediately what had him tied up in knots.  “Yuuri, _lyubov moya,_ Cara is on your side.  She is working to help you.”

“What if she finds that I’m irrevocably broken?”

Victor kissed his forehead.  “I thought I was the dramatic one of this relationship,” he teased tenderly.

Yuuri pouted but relented.  “I’m nervous.  I didn’t like the doctor who worked with my anxiety.  He just wanted to keep me medicated and I felt nonfunctioning.”

“Cara seems very receptive to different treatments.  You just have to give her a chance.”

“I know this is my session…” he began, trailing off uncertainly.

Victor smiled indulgently.  “Would you like me to go with you?  I can wait in the waiting room.  I don’t mind.”

Yuuri looked up at him with relief.  “My appointment is at one.”

“Okay.  We’ll run and skate then come back here to change and grab lunch then take a cab.”

“Yes.  But we need to figure the bus line.  Fares are going to add up quick.”

Victor shrugged.  “I can take care of you.  You know this,” he confided.

Yuuri looked stricken.  “No.  I can take care of myself,” he insisted.  “I just…need you by my side…especially for this.”

“I’m here for you, my Yuuri.  Whatever you need.”

 

* * *

 

 

They arrived with fifteen minutes to spare and waited patiently for Cara to return from her lunch.  Yuuri tapped nervously, his hands refusing to settle.  Victor had him lean forward while he rubbed comforting circles on his back.  It was in this position she found them.  “Rough day?”

Victor looked up and nodded.  “Are you ready?” Victor inquired gently.  “I’ll be out here waiting when you finish up.

Cara invited Yuuri to follow her into the next room.  He chose to take the chair since it was just the two of them.  “Do you drink tea, Yuuri?”

“Yes, I do.” 

“Let me prepare you a cup.  It’s amazing how soothing a cup of tea can be.”

She soon came to his side with a small tray holding two cups of tea and small packages of cream and sugar.  He took his with a bit of cream while she added sugar.  Leaning back, the cup in his hands seemed to steady him a bit.

“Now, Yuuri, why don’t we start with you telling me about yourself.”

Yuuri nodded.  “I…don’t know where to start,” he admitted.

“Tell me about why you are here in the States,” she suggested.

“Coach Celestino came to me when I was rising up in the Juniors division and helped me to transition to Seniors.  I was in my last two years of high school.  He lived with us then and when I went to choose my college, I knew he wanted to come here because he had more connections than in Japan.  He was able to get me some scholarships so I ended up here.”  He shrugged.  He thought she’d write things down but she just listened. 

With an encouraging smile, she suggested, “Tell me about figure skating.”

“I started out dancing.  That’s why I majored in dance here.  But at some point, maybe age eight or nine, I was introduced to figure skating by my ballet instructor.  I fell in love with it.”  He blushed at effusing so much but she smiled reassuringly and he continued.  “And then I saw Victor skate.  I think I’ve been chasing after him sense that moment.”

“So he was your childhood crush,” she responded as she sipped her tea.

“I suppose, yes.  I didn’t realize it at that point.  He was my hero.  But then…well…I became older.”

“Tell me about Victor.”

“Victor the skater? The celebrity? Or my boyfriend?”

“Are they not all the same person?”

Yuuri shrugged.  “The celebrity version is all masks.  He’s really just a sentimental dork.”

“He seems to really care about you.  He’s very protective.”

“He was there…that night.  We finally met and talked.  I drank too much but he managed to get me to trade numbers.  H-he was going to walk me to my room.  I-I became n-nervous.  I left without him.”  Yuuri looked down at his hands.  They were shaking.  She picked up his cup and quietly refilled it, handing it back to him.  He steadied his hold and stared into the mug.

“Shall we continue?”

Yuuri nodded but he sat staring for a bit longer.  She waited patiently allowing him to collect his thoughts.  “I don’t remember everything.  Just bits and pieces.  I remember them getting in the elevator but I can’t remember their faces.  I remember them putting on masks…you know, the kind you wear while traveling.  I became scared, then.  My stomach started tying up in knots and I moved to the corner.  I remember something spraying in the air.”  He stopped and looked up at her.  “I-I…they…” he stared at her, his face lit up with fear. 

He felt her take the mug from his hand.  He didn’t even realize he was struggling with his breathing until he heard her say to him.  “Yuuri.  Listen to me.  I need you to take a deep breath with me.  Hold it now.  Let it out.  Let’s repeat that.  Breathe in.  Hold.  Out.  In.  Hold.  Out.  Good.  You are doing so well.”

When he refocused on the room, he realized she was kneeling before him, concerned but in control.  “Do I have to tell you everything today?”

She shook her head.  “Today, you tell me what you are ready to talk about.  What do you want to work through while you are here?”

Yuuri considered studied his hands.  “I want to not be afraid,” he began.

“That’s a good start.  We need to look at your triggers.  Do you journal?”

“I…have a journal.  I’ve been trying to remember.  Then…I don’t want to remember.”

“How does that make you feel?”

“To not remember?  Vulnerable.  Powerless.  But I’m afraid if I remember, it becomes more real.”

“Yuuri,” she responded quietly.  “Not acknowledging it doesn’t make it less real.”

“I know,” he answered, his voice lowering.  “Should I bring it next time?  My Journal?”

“When you are ready to share it, yes.  I want to know what your triggers are.  So if something happens, write it down.”

Yuuri nodded. 

“Now, do you have other goals?”

Yuuri squirmed a little and blushed.  “I am afraid I won’t be able to be…to sleep with Victor.”

“Have you in the past?”

“No…I’ve never…”

She studied him thoughtfully before nodding.  “Have you experienced any difficulties so far?”

“Victor says I’m not ready.”

“Are you?”

Yuuri shrugged.  “I don’t know.”

She smiled.   “I think you have your answer.”

“I think…I need to work on the other part first.  I need…to face what happened.”

“If we deal with the big problem, the smaller ones may work themselves out.”

Yuuri pulled his knees up, resting his cheek on top.  “I want to not fall apart.  It’s the triggers that cause me to melt down and hide.  That.”

“The PTSD symptoms.  I think for our next session we need to talk about how your PTSD is impacting your life and what triggers you’ve observed.  Again, that journal is necessary.  You can choose what part of it you share with me but I think I’d like you to bring it.”

“I will,” Yuuri responded quietly.

“Okay.  If this time works for you, I have you down for next Wednesday.” 

Yuuri nodded and took her hand.  “Thank you.”

She walked him to the door and he rejoined Victor who stood up from where he waited.  Victor’s hands went to his, lifting his chin so that he could study his eyes.  Pulling him into an embrace, he looked towards Cara and offered his thanks. 

 

* * *

 

 

“Phichit, are you joining us for dinner tonight?” Victor asked as he surveyed the cabinet contents. 

“Actually…I have a date,” Phichit announced.

“Oh?”  Victor turned around, his interest piqued.

“Yes.  They are a photography major, too.  I’m helping them on a project then we are grabbing pizza.”

“Maybe I will walk over and meet Yuuri, then.  We can stop at that diner he loves.”

“Bad day?” Phichit called from his room.

Victor considered the words.  “No.  I think counseling is stressful for him.”

“The psychiatrist that he visited for his anxiety kept him upset.  I’m sure that’s part of it.  He likes the new counselor, doesn’t he?”

“I think so.  Perhaps we need to talk one on one about it.”

“It can’t hurt.  Now.  Do I look beautiful?”  Phichit reentered with a flourish.   Victor whistled in approval.  Phichit grinned.  “Don’t wait up.”

Victor watched Phichit disappear out the door then turned to Makkachin.  “Shall we go get our Yuuri?”

Makka barked with approval at the mention of his other human.  Victor jingled the lead and Makka eagerly bounced around Victor as he laughed.  He finally settled down and Victor clicked the strap in place. 

 

* * *

 

 

They met Yuuri half way across campus.  “Hi, Yuuri!  We missed you.”

He laughed in response and went into his embrace.  “I’m glad to see you.”  Victor felt Yuuri’s stress fall off of him in his arms.  “Sometimes I think you’re too good to me.”

“Nonsense,” murmured Victor.  “I never feel I do enough.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I proofed this but I'm not sure if I caught all of my mistakes. As always, friendly critiques are welcome. 
> 
> Love kudos, comments, subscriptions, and shares.


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More counseling and a date?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, BluSkates, for the beta read. It's greatly appreciated.

* * *

 

 

Victor would miss dancing with Yuuri that afternoon but they agreed to practice the next day as they had an off day from skating.  He decided to leave early and explore the bus route.  Taking a cab wouldn’t, in any way, deplete Victor’s finances, however he knew that Yuuri worried about such things as he did not have nearly the same amount of sponsor support.  Victor smiled.  That silver medal during Four Continents will do much to shift that situation. Victor wondered if Yuuri even knew what doors were about to open to him.

Transferring twice, Victor landed at the busstop that was closest to Cara’s office suite.  It took a little over an hour to make the trip; the cab saved twenty minutes.  He checked the parking meters and considered the coach’s car.  He knew Phichit drove it when they went to shop.   Could Yuuri drive?  His own license didn’t allow him to operate a vehicle in the States.

His musings occupied his thoughts until he stepped off the elevator and into the reception for Dr. Cara.  He checked in and went to the waiting area. Pulling out the list, Victor reviewed the goals he had written down at the suggestion of the counselor in Russia.

 

 

> _Stop the nightmares._
> 
> _Not be so overprotective that stifled Yuuri._
> 
> _Stop being hypervigilant._
> 
> _Avoid feeling guilt and blame._
> 
> _Relax control and resist separation anxiety._

It was a hefty list but, unlike Yuuri, he had gone through a week of daily sessions to help him pinpoint his struggles.

 

The door opened and a client left Cara’s office.  The counselor came to the entrance and motioned Victor inside.

 

“Good afternoon, Victor.  Welcome back.  I’ve received copies of your transcripts from your previous counselor and she was good enough to provide them in English.”

 

Victor shifted a bit after he took his chair.  “I brought a list.”

 

“Oh, okay.  Let’s take a look.” He handed her the list and she reviewed Victor’s concerns.  “You are concerned you are overprotective.  What makes you think this?”

 

“I have trouble letting Yuuri do things on his own and when we are separated,” Victor shifted his feet and studied his hands.  “I check in on him frequently because I need to know he’s safe.”

 

“Why do you think he’s not safe?”

 

“Because…I let him out of my sight…and th-they hurt him,” he answered, crossing his arms and shrinking into the chair.  “I didn’t protect him.”

 

She studied him for a period of time.  “You blame yourself that he was hurt.”

 

Victor nodded.  “If I just kept an eye on him…”

 

“You did not cause this.”

 

Victor shook his head, his breathing shaky.  “H-he could not even talk.  H-he was so hurt.  He held onto my hand so tightly.  He was so afraid.  Yet he called out to me.”

 

Cara pulled her hand up to her mouth, curving her fingers across her lips as she studied him.  “Are you here out of obligation or because of something else?”

 

Victor opened his mouth, eyes wided.  Shaking his head to clear something away, he responded, “That’s a complicated question.  I’m here because I care about Yuuri.  I connected with him earlier that night.  I wanted to meet him before then.  But…I probably would not be here at this moment if it wasn’t for the r-rape.  I would have come later.”

 

“It’s hard for you to say the word, isn’t it?”

 

Victor nodded.  “It brings up visions of him being hurt at their hands.”

 

“I see you’ve listed hypervigilance.  Tell me how this manifests.”

 

“I’m looking over my shoulder and checking my surroundings before stepping in elevators.  I might avoid the elevator entirely and take the stairs instead.  I’m constantly studying the people around me to see if they are paying too close attention, especially if Yuuri is with me.  I insert myself between Yuuri and anything I perceive as a threat.  I have my dog Makkachin guard Yuuri.  I arranged for Yuuri to get Cocoa because she can travel with Yuuri and offer some protection.  I check up on Yuuri to make sure he is safe.  I sometimes watch him dance from the windowed observation room without him knowing it.”

 

“Do you ever tell him you are watching him?”

 

“It’s come out a few times.  He isn’t surprised.  He doesn’t even seem mad about it.”

 

“But this plays into your fear that you will stifle Yuuri.”

 

Victor nodded.

 

“With all of your time and protectiveness, I notice no concern about intimacy.”

 

“I know…it will happen when he is ready.  He’s never had sex.  He is very shy.  And then…that happened.  I don’t want to add to his pain.”

 

“This is a topic I plan to bring up during the Monday appointment.  I’d like you to sit with him and discuss your shared concerns and individual concerns about your relationship for that appointment.  You can come prepared or we can do this during the visit.  Now for _your_ next visit I’m going to have you maintain a journal.  I want you to record how your concerns manifest throughout the week.  Pay attention to what is happening before and after so that we can identify your triggers.”

 

Victor nodded.  “Are you still trying to determine the appropriate therapies for us?”

 

“Yes.  I’m a talk therapist but I do have training in other techniques.  I also have a professional relationship with a neuro analyst.  We could look into neurotherapy, exposure therapy, or cognitive restructuring.  EMDR is another technique, although I lack the training.  I can make a referral if that’s the path you both decide to take.”

 

“Honestly, I don’t know what any of those words mean,” Victor shrugged, smiling away his confusion.

 

“When we start discussing the path that we will take towards your recovery, then we will discuss what these words mean and what will occur during each of those therapies.  I will make you aware of the advantages, disadvantages, and risks.  Don’t worry.  I only told you about the pathways because you asked what we would consider.”

 

“Would you write those words down so that we can look them up?  I might want to find information in Russian, especially if it becomes complicated.”

 

“Of course.”  She retrieved a notepad from her desk and jotted down the different words.  “I always like to give my clients options in their own recovery.  Part of the battle is taking back control.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“Okay, Victor.  I’ll see you same time next week…oh, and on Monday.”

 

Victor nodded, shaking her hand.  He folded the paper and put it in his wallet before leaving.  He would research these methods before talking to Yuuri.  As he waited at the bus stop, he pulled out his phone and texted Yuuri.

 

**_V/ I’m heading home.  It took an hour by bus earlier._ **

**_Y/ You took the bus?_ **

**_V/ You didn’t want us to spend so much on cab fares._ **

**_Y/ : ) I’m just surprised.  Do you want to practice tonight or do you want to go do something?_ **

**_V/ Are you asking me on a date?_ **

**_Y/ Maybe?_ **

**_V/ I’d love to go out with you!  What do you have in mind?_ **

**_Y/ Something casual.  Oh, and Phichit and his friend is joining us._ **

**_V/ So a double date.  Okay.  That can be fun._ **

**_Y/ Great.  We are leaving at 6:30._ **

 

* * *

 

 

Victor emerged from his room showered and dressed in jeans, v-neck, and sweater.  Yuuri was in the living room in black jeans and a red button up.  “No heels?” Victor teased as he slipped behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist.

 

“Only for special occasions,” Yuuri responded with a wink.

 

Victor started at Yuuri’s response.  Recovering, he brushed his lips against the back of Yuuri’s neck reveling in Yuuri’s responsive shiver.  “Is Phichit’s friend coming here or are we meeting them?”

 

On cue, Phichit came out dressed all in black, eyeliner, shadow, and gloss.  “Jaden will be here soon.  They just texted and will be here soon.”

 

Victor knelt down next to greet Cocoa and Makka.  “It looks like you had a bath today.”

 

“We cleaned while you were out,” Phichit explained.

 

Yuuri nodded.  “I included the dogs in that chore.  I knew Cocoa would be joining us.”

 

“First impressions?”

 

“Well, second since we’ve already went out once.”

 

A knock on the door drew their attention and Phichit ran over to open it.  Jaden stood before them in androgynous attire and basic make-up making Phichit’s cosmetics stand out.  Phichit quickly made introductions and they left as a group; Phichit held Jaden’s hand, Victor wrapped an arm around Yuuri’s shoulder while the younger man held Cocoa’s lead.  

 

“We are going to have dinner then a movie tonight.  Do you like horror movies?” Yuuri teased.

 

Victor visibly shivered and looked uncertain.  Both Yuuri and Phichit laughed at his response.  Jaden glanced shyly to the ground.  Phichit had mercy on his silver-haired friend.  “There is also a rom-com playing.  We thought we’d let the two of you choose.”

 

They ended up enjoying Italian food and a romantic comedy.  During the movie, Victor savored the way Yuuri snuggled up to his arm as they shared popcorn and a soda.  Phichit, on the other hand, was subjected to popcorn being thrown at him by a group of preteens as he made out with Jaden.  Yuuri would glance over with amusement as stray popcorn would sometimes land on Victor and him.

 

Walking back towards their apartment, they learned that Jaden was a photography major and had family connections that would get them a job in a magazine upon graduation.  Jaden frequently traveled and even had a travel blog with a fairly decent following.  When the foursome arrived at the apartment, Yuuri disappeared down the hallway with Cocoa, Victor took Makka out, and Phichit led Jaden into his room.

 

Victor returned to find the darkened main spaces.   _So the group date is over._  He moved down the hallway with Makka on his heels and found Yuuri sitting in bed with his knees pulled up before him.  He knew that habit.  Yuuri wore this look when he was feeling vulnerable.  “Did you have fun tonight, _zolotse_ ,” he asked as he pulled out some clean pajamas.  He paused.  When did he start keeping clothes in Yuuri’s room?

 

Yuuri smiled nervously.  “I think that’s supposed to be my line.  I invited you.”

 

Victor removed the shirt he wore on their date and pulled on the t-shirt in its place.  He allowed himself a peek out the side of his eyes and knew Yuuri watched him intently.  “I had a wonderful time,” he murmured.  He then removed his pants, not slowly like a seduction; he made his movements efficient, like changing in front of Yuuri in his room was an everyday thing.  Picking up his sleep pants, he pulled them on over his boxers.  His clothes deposited into the laundry basket in the corner of the room, he realized he had several items in the basket.  Turning, he knew why.  “Is that my t-shirt, Yuuri?”

 

Yuuri’s cheeks pinked up.  “I-I think I started wearing them to sleep in when you were at Europeans.”

 

“I think I like my t-shirts better on you,” Victor responded as he dropped down next to Yuuri.  He leaned forward, brushing a kiss over the younger man’s lips.  “Now tell me, _malysh_ ,” he murmured as he dropped his forehead to Yuuri’s.  “What has you so nervous?”

 

“Phichit’s date went well, it seems,” Yuuri deflected turning his head as he moved over to accommodate Victor.  

 

It wasn’t his normal side for sleeping but Victor wasn’t opposed to trading.   He followed Yuuri under the covers, slipping an arm around the other man’s waist.  “It still is…going well, that is.  I heard them giggling from his room as I entered.”

 

Yuuri nodded, stiffening a little.   _There.  That’s what is bothering him._

 

“Just because they move quickly doesn’t mean that we have to, my Yuuri,” he stated quietly.

 

Yuuri nodded once more, tightening his hold on his legs behind his knees, staring straight ahead, internalizing his thoughts.  Victor sometimes wished he could put a coin in Yuuri to get him to purge all of those thoughts that tormented him.

 

“Some couples actually wait until they get married until they have sex,” Victor added.

 

Yuuri flicked his eyes to Victor and there was a sharpness in that expression.  “You don’t understand.  It’s not that I don’t want to.  I’m…afraid.  I-I am also angry.  They took this from me.  I w-was a virgin.  I wanted my f-first time to b-be with you.  I only ever wanted to be with you.”

 

The onslaught of words.  The confession.  Victor stared in surprise.  “Only me?”

 

Yuuri nodded and then Victor saw the tears.  Bitter tears.   Victor wrapped his arms around Yuuri and was surprised when Yuuri softened in his embrace then fell into his lap, clinging to him as he shook from his tears.  Victor rubbed comforting circles into his back and waited for the tears to subside.  Finally, Yuuri leaned back, straddling Victor’s knees.  He roughly pushed the tears from his eyes.  “I know why I want to…I know it’s not the right reasons.  It’s like washing away a bad taste in my mouth.  I want to push away that bad memory.  But…I’m afraid that memory will be too strong.”

 

Victor reached a hand out and cupped his lover’s cheek.  “I know why I want to wait, my Yuuri.  I want you to be comfortable in your decision.  I never want you to feel regret with me.  I am honored that I am the only one you’ve ever wanted to be with; that you wanted me to be your first.  And if you still feel that way when the time is right, I will be honored to be your first.”

 

“B-but they…” he protested, unable to fully say the words.

 

“What they did does not count.  It was not sex.  They did not have your consent.  You did not go with them willingly.  When I make love to you, you will know the difference.  Until then, trust me, _lyubov_ _moya_.”  Victor’s words soothed the man before him and he could see they reached something within the other man.

 

“They made me feel dirty,” Yuuri confessed.

 

“You are not dirty.  You are clean and beautiful like polished gold.”

 

“I feel like my innocence is lost.  That sounds strange from someone who is twenty-three.”

 

“Not at all.  It is that innocence that fills your programs.  You haven’t been sullied by the world.  

You are not sullied by their actions.  I still see that innocence.”

 

“I-I think I needed to hear that.  I n-needed to hear it from you,” he confessed.  Victor found Yuuri back in his arms hugging him closely.  “Although I hate that it gives you nightmares, I’m so glad you found me.  That you stood by me.  I don’t think I’d be able to stand on my own yet without you.”

 

“You are stronger than you give yourself credit for, _lyubov_ _moya_.”

 

“Thank you.  I think I draw a lot of my strength from you.”

 

Victor stroked the hair back from Yuuri’s eyes.  “Do you realize that I do the same?  Do you know that I draw strength from you?”

 

“H-how?”

 

“Because I don’t know if I would have held myself together as beautifully as you.”  Victor watched a tear escape from corner of Yuuri’s eyes.  “There I’ve gone and made you cry again.”

 

Yuuri sniffed and brushed it away.  “Not sad.  Not this time.  I…just love you so very much.”

 

“As do I.  Can I hold you as we fall asleep?  I need the comfort of your body wound around my soul.”

 

Yuuri smiled as he settled into the arms of his love.  Victor carded his fingers through his hair and brushed kisses against his forehead often as Yuuri relaxed and fell asleep in his arms.  “Do you not realize that this moment is better than any sex that I’ve ever had?  My beautiful, sweet Yuuri,” he whispered, knowing that Yuuri could not hear him, knowing that Yuuri had already slipped into slumber.  He indulged himself in one more kiss before allowing himself to fall asleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't translate the love words Victor uses because I'm in such a habit of reading with google translate up that I don't think about it. I hope this isn't an inconvenience. I do have a master list I pull from on the site below. I don't know how words are gendered in Russia so they may have that part completely wrong. That being said, if it is, I'm not the only one doing it wrong. ;) So if I have readers that are fluent in Russian, I am not offended by corrections of my ignorance. ;) We all have room to learn and improve.
> 
> http://learnrussian.rt.com/speak-russian/tender-words-russian


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri is such a little shit in this chapter. What can I say? Anxiety is a bitch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, BluSkates! Your second look is much appreciated!

* * *

 

 

Yuuri scowled at Victor as he dropped form.  He needed to be able to trust Victor on the lifts.  “What has you thrown off today?”  They had been practicing [_Duetto_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcZFbR1DDxg) and Victor kept failing his lifts, a nervous edge in his grip.

 

“I’m not sure,” Victor answered as he raked his hand through his hair.  “It’s been an emotional week for both of us.  I don’t channel that energy the way that you do.”

 

“So, you need a different release?” Yuuri suggested.  It was two weeks before Worlds and they both were struggling with their respective head spaces.

 

Victor’s mouth opened in surprise, uncertain where Yuuri was going with this.  “I-I am just not used to turning to dance.  I skate it out.”

 

Yuuri tilted his head to one side before suggesting, “Then let’s break.  We can dance later…or tomorrow even.  Do you want to skate?”

 

Victor nodded eagerly.  “Not programs, though.  This is our off day.  Let’s just skate for pleasure.”

 

Yuuri smiled, as he took Victor’s hand.  “Okay, Vitya.  I’d like that.”

 

Half an hour later, they made their way to the rink after trading bags out at their apartment.  

 

They arrived at the rink only to realize it was a public skate.  “I haven’t skated with a crowd in some time,” Yuuri commented.

 

“Well, let’s see if we can blend in.  Low key.”

 

Yuuri laughed at that suggestion.  “Do you even know how to do low key?”

 

Victor led Yuuri on the ice trying to tune out the attention they elicited.  They didn’t have a chance, though.   Several phones were out taking video or pictures of the two lovers as they skated hand in hand, turning and casually moving back and forth in each other’s space as comfortably as lovers.  Victor’s hand brushed Yuuri’s face as Yuuri passed in front of him.  Yuuri’s hand grazed against Victor’s waist. 

 

They headed home after the skate, walking hand in hand.  “I enjoyed that,” Yuuri murmured.

 

“That’s good…because our social media is flooded with the results,” Victor teased.

 

Yuuri grinned wryly.  “I know.  I had to shut notifications off.”

 

“I hadn’t even thought about coming out openly as a couple.  I wanted to protect this,” Victor pouted.

 

Yuuri moved closer to him, slipping a hand around his waist.  “Even I knew privacy would be short lived.  Every time we go out in public together, there is a chance a fan will see us and share it.”

 

“I knew it but…I’ve enjoyed our little bubble.  Now there will be media questions.  I hate when they pick apart my private life,” Victor complained.

 

“Same here,” Yuuri agreed.  “If I could skate without dealing with them, I would be much happier.  But I don’t want to give up skating.”

 

A regretful smile touched Victor’s lips.  “I-I draw attention to you.”

 

“I’ll have to learn to deal with it,” Yuuri shrugged.

  
  


* * *

 

Yuuri’s tension was palpable as they worked on the jump he wanted to add to his program the next day.  Victor called out for him to try again.

 

Yuuri crashed hard on the jump, missing the landing. 

 

“Yuuri!” Victor called in alarm as he skated to his side.  “Are you okay?”

 

“I’m fine!” his eyes burning, shoving up off the ice.

 

“Perhaps you should take a break,” Victor suggested.

 

Yuuri tossed him a determined look.  “I don’t have time to waste.  I’ll land this!”

 

He skated off and Victor moved to the sidelines.  Three more bad landings later, Victor intervened.  “You are done,” he stated firmly.

 

“How do you expect me to get this?” Yuuri demanded.

 

“You are too tired!” Victor’s voice raised an octave.

 

“You said yourself that I need this jump to get my TES high enough.  A Salchow!  Why is it so damn hard for me?” 

 

Victor watched the frustration radiating off of his lover.  He took a steadying breath and moved into Yuuri’s space.  “This is only one route.  Perhaps we need to look at the program once more.”

 

Yuuri cut his eyes angrily.  “I can get this!”

 

“You are being stubborn!”

 

Yuuri broke away from him in answer, took the necessary run to build up his speed, and with a sheer look of determination, launched into the jump.  And landed it!

 

Yuuri dropped to his knees as his skates slowed.  Tears overwhelmed him.  He’d been working on that jump for days.  The feeling of triumph of finally landing it broke through.

 

He looked up as the scrape of ice came to his side.  Victor knelt down shaking his head.  “You are still stubborn,” he pointed out as he offered a hand to the younger skater.

 

“So are you,” Yuuri countered, accepting the hand. 

 

Victor pulled him close, dropping his forehead to Yuuri’s.  He lowered his voice conspiratorially.  “Now that you know how the quad-Sal feels, do you want to see if you can reproduce it?” 

 

Yuuri grinned, nodding in triumph.  Victor backed off to the sideline and watched Yuuri repeat the jump over and over.  He landed six out of ten before Victor called a halt, Yuuri’s exhaustion starting to show in the shaky last landing.  “Now, I demand you stop.  I will not have you injure yourself.”

 

Yuuri skated up to his side, taking the towel to wipe his face.  “But it was good?”

 

“Yes.  I’d like to up your percentage of landing it but it was good.”

 

“Tomorrow, can we practice it in  _ Courage _ ?” Yuuri’s voice lifted hopefully.

 

"We can try it.  I'm worried about your landing percent but we'll see how it works out."

  
  


* * *

 

 

Victor laid in bed staring at the ceiling.  This week hadn’t been easy.  They even fought in Cara’s office.  He ran his hand through his hair.  

 

Victor rolled over to wake Yuuri up only to see him burrow further under the blankets.  It was Saturday.  Tomorrow would be a rest day.  Yuuri’s skating had been inconsistent over the last week and Victor knew he was frustrated.  He needed to find a way to break the tension.  Yuuri would fight the jump, land it from time to time but as the week progressed, his success rate decreased.  Something else seemed to be on his mind and Yuuri wasn't in the mood to share it.

 

"Are you sick?" Victor asked, peeking under the blankets.

 

Yuuri shook his head.

 

Victor pulled the blanket back to look in his eyes.  They darted around then blinked back at him anxiously.  Yuuri had picked several fights with Victor over the last week but they were fine when they went to bed last night.  “What’s wrong?”

 

Yuuri shrugged, still not speaking.

 

Victor considered their schedule.  “Do you need me to switch around your off day?”

 

Yuuri considered that thought then nodded.

 

“Okay,” he indulged, brushing a kiss on his forehead.  “I’ll make the necessary arrangements with Coach Celestino.  But you are on the ice tomorrow.”  Victor tucked the blanket back around Yuuri, effectively cocooning him.  He called the dogs to follow him to the door.

 

* * *

 

 

Victor returned to the apartment with the dogs half an hour later.  Phichit was seated on a barstool next to the counter and raised an eyebrow in surprise.  “No Yuuri?”

 

“He’s having an off day,” Victor stated stiffly.

 

“Is everything okay?” Phichit inquired.

 

Victor shrugged.  “He’s been difficult all week.”

 

Phichit chuckled before sipping his smoothie.  “So he’s being Yuuri.”

 

“I haven’t encountered this version of Yuuri,” Victor frowned.

 

“This is precompetition Yuuri.  I’ll walk with you to the rink and we can talk.”

 

Victor nodded.  Releasing the dogs from their leads, he commanded them both, “Go to Yuuri!”  Two sets of paws took off down the hall and pushed into the bedroom.  He heard Yuuri mumble a few words to the two dogs before the room quieted.

 

Grabbing his skate bag, he joined Phichit for the walk to the rink.

 

“So is Yuuri just being difficult or a complete bitch?” Phichit inquired with a straight face.

 

Victor’s mouth opened in shock before considering the words.  “He is bordering on the latter.  He fights me at the rink, in the studio, I can’t please him.  Thankfully we aren’t having sex or I’m sure I’d fall short there as well.”

 

“He’s nitpicking,” Phichit concludes.

 

“Exactly.  Every little thing he picks apart.”

 

“How is counseling?”

 

“Our couples session…he sulked.  Cara didn’t seem surprised.  I’m not used to this Yuuri.”

 

“Anxiety is a bitch.  Pure and simple.  Although we all love Yuuri, most of us find that we hate his anxiety.”

 

Victor paused and stared at Phichit as he processed this information.  “But don’t I have to love all of him?”

 

“No.  Nobody can love anxiety.  I always see it as something that rides on his back rather than a part of him.  When it drives him into full bitch-mode, he can become very self-centered.  He doesn’t see that he’s hurting those around him.  The internal voices consume his thoughts and tear him down.  How’s his skating?”

 

“Ridden with mistakes…which makes it worse.  Our actual fights are mostly about how he talks about himself, or his stubbornness about not coming off the ice.”

 

“He probably has some beautiful bruises,” Phichit considered.  “I think it’s time to deploy our secret weapon.”

 

Victor’s eyebrows went up in response.  “Secret weapon?” 

 

“Ashley,” Phichit announced matter-of-factly.  “She’s known him the longest.  She also has a takes-no-shit attitude that can shake Yuuri out of his state.  It’s not guaranteed but we don’t have long before the competition and we can’t have him shutting down.”

 

He nodded, pursing his lips in begrudging admission.  “Agreed.”

 

Phichit pulled out his phone.

 

**_P/ Yuuri is home today.  Can you check on him?”_ **

**_A/ Sure!  What’s up?_ **

**_P/ He’s in bitch mode.  Could use a firm hand._ **

**_A/ Isn’t Victor his handler now?_ **

**_P/ : D  One would think.  He lacks the experience to control this one._ **

**_A/ Gotcha.  On it._ **

**_P/ Don’t be gentle._ **

**_A/ Am I ever?_ **

**_P/ : D_ **

 

Phichit smiled reassuringly.  “She’ll take care of him.  Don’t worry, Victor.”

 

“Worrying about Yuuri has become second nature,” Victor admitted as they climbed the stairs to the rink.

 

* * *

 

 

 

Ashley took the key to the apartment and let herself in.  The atmosphere was oppressive as she moved down the hall.

 

“Yuuuuuri!” she called out to him.

 

“Shit!” came the response from the bedroom.  Ashley couldn’t help but chuckle to herself.  She opened the door and spotted the prone form in the bed.  “What do you want?” Yuuri groaned.

 

Ashley tugged the blanket from his face.  “You don’t look sick.”

 

“I never claimed to be sick,” he stated, jerking the blanket back over his head.

 

“Wow!  Have you been bitchy all week?”  She raised an eyebrow in mock disbelief.

 

A few choice words came from beneath the blanket.

 

“It’s rude to speak Japanese when your guest only speaks English, Yuuri,” she chastised.

 

He peeked from beneath the blanket to glare at her.  “I’m sure you wouldn’t find it any more polite in English.”

 

She grabbed the top of the blanket and yanked it off of him.  “Get up.  Get dressed.  Let’s go for a nice long walk.”

 

“Don’t you have class today?” he whined.

 

“It’s Saturday,” she pointed out with a raised eyebrow.

 

He balked, glaring at her from his curled up fetal position.

 

“You do know I have Minako on my emergency contact list,” she warned.

 

He growled, shoving up out of bed.  “Fine!”

 

She stepped back and walked toward the door.  “You’ve got ten minutes.  I’ll have a smoothie waiting for you.”

 

She placed the glass on the counter as he entered the room dressed in sweats, hair wet from his shower.  “You look lovely,” she deadpanned.

 

He shrugged but accepted the smoothie.  “I keep missing my jumps.  Victor demands I leave the ice after so long.”

 

“He doesn’t want you to injure yourself,” she pointed out.

 

Yuuri frowned and Ashley could almost see the petulance set into his expression.  “I know.  He says as much.  I’m frustrated.”

 

“I think…you need a long walk.  And I’m up for accompanying you.  We’ll swing by for my other charges and take a solid morning hike.”

 

Yuuri drained the smoothie and Ashley rinsed the dishes as he leashed the dogs.  “Are you ready?” 

 

She nodded.  They stopped briefly at her apartment to pick up her animals.  “It’s been awhile since we’ve walked the dogs together.”

 

“Probably not since my last meltdown at home,” Yuuri confessed.

 

“You know…we can do this before you reach this point.”

 

“I hate…asking for help.”

 

“You always have.  But I’m your friend and I’m offering.  That offer is always on the table.”

 

They turned down the longer trail.  Yuuri remained quiet, internalizing.  She allowed it for a short time, waiting until they were deeper on the path.  Finally, she pushed.  “It’s not just you, you know.”

 

Yuuri stilled, staring off into the distance.  “He deserves better.”

 

“It’s not about who deserves what,” she stated.  “He wants you.  And from what I can see, you want him.”

 

Yuuri nodded, that admission pulling a sob from him.  “What if…I can’t be who he wants?”

 

“Did he ever ask you to change for him?”

 

Yuuri slowly shook his head.

 

“Would you ask him to change for you?”

 

Yuuri shook his head more insistently.

 

“I know you are struggling, sweetie, but listen to me.  He holds you here,” she grasped his chin to force him to look her direction.  Her hand formed a fist over her heart.  “You’ve pushed me away over and over.  But I never left.  He’s not going to leave either.  The depth of care I feel for you pales in comparison to what he feels.  But you need to take responsibility, Yuuri.  You need to realize that when you lash out, you aren’t just hurting yourself.”

 

She watched the tears continued to track down his face.  “I c-can’t fight the anxiety.  I-it takes over my thoughts.  I-it forces itself on me.”

 

“What’s triggered your anxiety, Yuuri?”

 

He didn’t answer.

 

“Is it the competition?  Is it World’s?”

 

He tilted his head, shrugging one shoulder.

 

“Is it the relationship?”

 

“Somewhat…not exactly.  Though…my head uses it against me.”

 

She placed her hand on his arm and softened her voice.  “Yuuri, love, is it the rape?”

 

Fresh tears.  They continued to flow as Ashley drew him into her embrace.  “Cry it out, love.  Cry it out.”

 

He finally sniffed and pulled back.  “I-it’s everything.  Worlds.  I’m competing.  T-they m-might be t-there.  I’m scared.  I-I’m afraid they are going to c-come after m-me.  I-I’m scared I w-won’t recognize them.  I-I am terrified they will h-hurt someone else, m-maybe s-someone I know, someone I c-care about.  I d-don’t want to t-take V-victor down that d-dark p-p-path again.  I-I’ve put him through enough.”  He drew a deep breath and then another.  He seemed to steady himself at first.  Then she heard the warning sound; his breath hitched.  More gasps as he fought his own lungs.  

 

Ashley reacted quickly knowing that he was heading directly into a panic attack.  “Yuuri, listen to me.  You are safe right now.  Yuuri, breathe in with me.  Good boy.  Now breathe out.  In.  Hold.  Out.”  She continued guiding his breathing until he finally calmed.  “Better?”

 

He nodded, though still shaking.  He then realized that Cocoa was pawing at him nervously.  Accepting her comfort he dropped to the ground.  Ashley stood close by, her hand in his hair.  Finally, he stood up.  She slipped a comforting arm around him but noted he avoided her eyes. 

 

“Sweetie, you need to talk to Victor about this.  You need to get it out in the open.  He can’t meet you halfway if you hold back.”

 

“I know,” he murmured.

 

“Do you want me there?”

 

Yuuri shook his head.  “I’ll talk to him,” he promised.

 

She watched him doubtfully.  “I know you.  You will tell me what I want.  I am going to demand confirmation.”

 

He shot a harsh glare in her direction.  “I’ll talk to him in counseling.  It’s on Monday.  I’ll work at…not mistreating him…in the meantime.”

 

“Yuuri?”  He met her eyes.  She could see the pain in the depths of his eyes.  She brushed his bangs back.  Gentling her voice, she continued.  “I’m not trying to punish you.”

 

He nodded, his expression softening.  “I know.”

 

“Good.  I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t care.”

 

Yuuri nodded.

 

“Shall we continue this walk or do you want to head home?”

 

“Let’s go home.” 

 

She looped a hand into his arm.  “Come on, little brother,” she invited, hugging his shoulder. 

 

“Look who’s calling me little.”

 

“Just because I’m five foot nothing…”

 

He laughed…a genuine laugh.  Good.  “I believe your nickname is shortstop?” he teased.

 

“Brat!”

 

He laughed allowing his arm to hug her close. 

 

She frowned, drawing a ragged breath.  “You don’t know how much I’m going to miss you when you graduate.”

 

“I guess you need to get your passport so you can come see me.”

 

She nodded.  “We’ve been best friends for four years.  I am not ready to let you go.”

 

“Internet.  Skype.  Texting.  I’ll still be there for you,” he promised.

 

“Same for you.  Anytime.  Ignore the time difference.”

 

He laughed.  “You say that now.”

 

“I mean it.”

 

He sobered as they drew up in front of the apartments.  He pushed her curls from her eyes.  “I will hold you to it.”

  
  


* * *

 

 

Victor returned home to find Yuuri curled up on the couch, laptop open watching anime.  He peeked over his lover’s shoulder and laughed tenderly.  “‘Your Lie in April’?  You always cry through that one.”

 

“It helps me get the tears out,” Yuuri confessed.

 

“You know, you don’t have to have an excuse to cry with me.  I will hold you for no reason at all…or for the reasons you can’t put into words, yet.”

 

“I-I know.”  He studied his hands.  “I’ve been awful to you.”

 

“Maybe not so awful.  I’m still learning the best ways to love you.”

 

“I-I don’t think I’ve done the same.  I need to put in more effort.  I need to give you as much as I receive.  It’s not fair to you.”

 

Victor tilted his head, his eyes growing tender.  “I know you love me, Yuuri.  I know the harsh words aren’t you.  I just don’t know how to pull you to the other side.  I don’t know how to work with your anxiety.”

 

“It doesn’t mean…that the words didn’t hurt.”

 

Victor nodded, conceding that point.  “They hurt.”

 

“You can tell me, you know,” Yuuri pushed.  “Sometimes I’m so locked up, I don’t realize I’m being cruel.  You need to tell me that I’m hurting you.”

 

Victor’s expression tightened with concern.  “I don’t want to add to your anxiety.”

 

“Maybe if I’m more aware that I’m being selfish, I’ll snap out of it,” Yuuri suggested, shrugging.

 

“Is that how it works?”

 

“Sometimes…maybe.”

 

“Can you tell me what had you tied up in knots?” Victor pushed gently.

 

Yuuri nodded slowly.  “I don’t want to.  Not now.  I will, though…on Monday.”

 

“During counseling,” he confirmed.

 

Yuuri nodded once more.  “I think…we need that safety net.  Will you give me that?”

 

“Of course.  Whatever you need,” Victor agreed, tilting his head, his eyes tender.

 

“Just…don’t forget your own needs,” Yuuri demanded softly.  “They are important, too.”

  
“I won’t,” he whispered, sliding his hands into Yuuri’s, entangling their fingers.  “I won’t.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes. I seriously referenced "Your Lie in April." It is another favorite anime of mine and will jerk your tears so watch it with a box of tissues.


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The counselor is in! Strategies and giving voice to Yuuri's fears...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think BluSkates knew what she was getting into when she offered to read for me but I greatly appreciate it. ;)
> 
> If you enjoy this fic, please share, comment, leave kudos, subscribe.

* * *

 

 

Yuuri shifted uncomfortably on the couch as he faced their counselor.  “I hurt the people that I care about… those who care about me,” he finally confessed.

 

Cara studied Yuuri carefully.  He tugged at the strings of his hoodie, his head down, face drawn.  “Why do you think so?”

 

“My anxiety…I start tearing apart anything good around me.”

 

“You’ve said repeatedly that you do not want to take meds for your anxiety.  What strategies do you deploy?”

 

Yuuri shrugged.  “When I panic, my friends talk me down.  I can follow their breathing.”

 

“Okay.  What if your friends aren’t around?”

 

“I-I have tried to control my own breathing.  But it is difficult.”

 

She leaned forward, “What if I offered you a different strategy?  We need to disrupt the thought flow.  You need to find your ground.  Have you heard of the five senses technique?”

 

Yuuri shook his head.

 

“Okay, you can recognize when you are having an anxiety attack.  So here is an approach you can put into play.  First, what can you see?  Look for tiny details.  Next, what can you hear?  Is the noise close or far?  Third, what can you feel?  Look for sensations close to your skin and things in your environment.  Fourth, what can you smell?  It’s amazing what we can pick up when we focus on our sense of smell.  Finally, what do you taste?  You may not have anything in your mouth but there is always something residual.  I want you to practice this technique so that it comes naturally to you.  Consider it homework.”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “I can do that.”  

 

“I’ll ask you when you return.  Now, what about before the panic; when the anxiety starts to build?”

 

He twisted his fingers together.  “I skate.  Or I dance.  If I can’t do either of those, I run.”

 

She nodded thoughtfully.  “Have you looked at possible nutritional deficiencies?  I know you are likely on a strict diet during competition.  However, it could be that you are depleting something with all of the intense training.”

 

Yuuri glanced at Victor before turning back to her and shrugging.  “That might help if it’s just my normal anxiety.”

 

“So something is different,” she concluded.

 

Yuuri nodded.  He worried his sleeve as he closed his eyes, tight, willing the tears not to break free.  He failed.  When he opened them, Cara was a blur before him.  He felt the hot tears slide down his face.  He drew a ragged breath and it was then that he realized someone was holding his hand.  Victor.  He turned to meet blue eyes full of concern.  He blinked until his vision cleared.

 

“I-I’m sorry, Victor.  I d-don’t want to be this way.”  Victor squeezed his hand in response.  He sniffed back.  Turning towards Cara, he whispered, “I’m scared.”

 

“What has scared you?”

 

He tightened his hand in Victor’s and realized he was fighting himself to get it out.  He looked from one to another, his eyes pleading.  His words stuck.

 

“Is it the competition?” prompted Victor softly.

 

Yuuri opened and closed his mouth, looking for the right words.  “Yes and no?” Yuuri answered uncertainly.  “I guess that’s part of it.  I mean I’m nervous I’m going to mess up.  I’m nervous that the work we have put in will fall apart on the ice.  I’m nervous that everything else I’m feeling will surface and I won’t be able to skate.”

 

Cara picked up on the clue Yuuri dropped.  “What is the  _ everything else _ , Yuuri?”

 

“T-they’re still out there.  I don’t know what they look like.  They attacked someone at Europeans.  I’m afraid they will try to get to me once more or hurt someone else.  I don’t know what they look like.”

 

Victor tugged on his hand and Yuuri turned to look at his boyfriend.  “I won’t let you out of my sight.  Yakov and Celestino are working together to make sure all of the skaters we know are safe.  They’ve been networking with other coaches.  Skaters are rooming together and being directed to stick together.  The ISU has increased security both at the rink and at the hotel where we are all booked.  We’ve put in place so many precautions.  It’s your courage that made all this happen.”

 

“What if it’s not enough?  What if they hurt someone I love?  It would be my fault because I can’t remember.  I don’t know what they look like.”

 

“We can only work with the information we have, Yuuri.  We are working to make Worlds safe.” Victor reached up to trace Yuuri’s jawline with his index finger, resting on his chin before continuing with emphasis.  “But you said yourself that you refuse to give them anything else.  Are you going to give up this competition?”

 

Yuuri shook his head.  “No.  No, I will skate.”  His eyes filled with determination.  “I won’t let them have this.  They can’t have those I love.”

 

“Better.  Much better.  I need you to talk to me when you are scared, Yuuri.  I don’t always know what’s going on in your thoughts.  Just like how you demanded that I tell you if you are hurting me, I am going to demand that you talk to me when you are hurting.  Is that reasonable?”

 

“I-it’s not easy,” Yuuri murmured.

 

“Nor is what you ask.  I want to protect you…even from yourself.  But I made a promise to you.  

We might fight about it but at least it will be out in the open.  Then we can work through it.  The same with this.  We might stumble.  But we can’t deal with those thoughts unless I know about them, too.  I’m on your side.  You have to trust me.”

 

Yuuri drew in a ragged breath.  “I know you’re right.  I know I keep things bottled up.  It’s a hard habit to break.”

 

“I know you won’t always be forthright.  Do you want me to force the issue when I see you withdrawing?  Is that an appropriate response, or should I give you to the space to meet me halfway?  I don’t know.”  Victor looked from Yuuri to Cara then back to Yuuri.

 

Yuuri was silent and Victor wasn’t sure at first if he’d answer.  Victor even began to twitch his lip uncertainly when Yuuri finally started talking, his voice low and quiet.  “I-if it’s just a short span, then space is good.  I can work through all of the negativity through dancing and skating.”  He drew a deep breath, seeking courage for the second part.  Looking at the hand that held his, he tightened his chin.  “Sometimes I become stuck…that’s when I need you to force it.  Especially if it’s just the two of us.  That’s what Ashley does.  Back home, Minako would force it.  My sister Mari would from time to time.  But mostly it was Minako.  When I shut down badly after I moved here, Ashley finally stepped in.  She demanded.  She forced me to open up.  Sometimes space doesn’t work.  Sometimes I become stuck.  I need…a push.”

 

“And you can’t always ask for it?”

 

“I can rarely ask for it.”

 

Victor looked at Cara questioningly.  Cara smiled reassuringly.  “You’ve dealt with this a long time, Yuuri.  I know you’ve found a number of paths that work for you.  Perhaps, after World’s, we can look at other methods.”

 

“Thank you.”  Yuuri turned to Victor, taking his second hand in his own.    “I want to work on us but this is a part of who I am.  I have to fight hard to skate.  Sometimes I have to fight just to get through everyday life.  It’s a lot to ask someone to take on.  Are you prepared for all of this?”

 

Victor drew a shaky breath as he smiled tenderly towards his boyfriend.  “I never asked for easy.  I pretty much knew I wouldn’t have easy the day I decided to come here.  As long as you fight, I will fight beside you.  I will always seek to find ways to love you better, to meet you where you need.”

 

“I will do the same.  I will seek ways to love you better.  I will meet you half way whenever I can.”

 

The timer dinged.  Cara laughed awkwardly.  “I think some progress was made today.  Now, for our next appointment…”

 

“We will be flying back on Monday, March 30 th ,” Victor stated. 

 

“I’ll be in jetlag recovery on April 1 st ,” Yuuri added.

 

Cara studied the calendar for a few minutes.  “Let’s do this.  How about we do Wednesday, the 2 nd for the couple’s counseling.  We can do your individual on Thursday.  Can you make a 3 o’clock, Yuuri?”  Yuuri nodded.  “Then we go back to normal on Friday for Victor’s appointment.”

 

They both thanked her, knowing they’d each see her individually later that week.  Victor held the younger man’s hand as they left to wait at the bus stop.  Yuuri drew close as Victor wrapped his arms around the smaller man.  “I’ll keep you safe,” he promised.  Yuuri wanted to believe him.

 

* * *

 

  
  


“What’s your plan for exhibition skate?” Victor asked.

 

Yuuri looked up from tying his skates in surprise.  “I-I didn’t even think about it.”

 

“I like to try out potential programs during my exhibition.   _ Once Upon a December _ was an exhibition skate two seasons ago.  I can help you with it.  Or you can choreograph your own.  I keep the components lower.  It’s supposed to be fun.”  Victor offered an encouraging smile.

 

Yuuri considered his words.  “I think I’d like to put something together on my own.  If I get stuck, though, I’ll seek you out.”

 

“I can’t wait to see what you create,” Victor responded warmly.  “I already know that you can choreograph something beautiful.”

 

Yuuri blushed.  “Thank you, Victor.”

 

* * *

 

  
  


The week passed quickly between skate program polishing, private practices on their individual exhibition skates, dancing, counseling sessions, and, of course, Yuuri’s homework.  Squeezed into all of that, Yuuri and Victor found time to enjoy each other’s warmth, walking their dogs, snuggling in the late evening, whispered  _ I love you _ ’s, stolen kisses, and packing. 

 

It always comes back to packing as they put together their garment bags with their suits and costumes.  Practice and casual clothes went into their suitcases.  Skates were readied in their carry-ons along with grooming and cosmetics. 

 

“Did you put together a costume for your exhibition?” Victor inquired, curious.  Yuuri had maintained silence all week about the program he had created.

 

“Yes.  I pulled on Julia’s skill in costume design.”

 

“Oh,” Victor responded a little disappointed. 

 

Yuuri smiled knowingly.  He stepped towards his lover and wrapped his arm around his neck.  

 

“You are going to have to wait,” he teased, pushing up on his tiptoes to brush a kiss on the tip of Victor’s nose. 

 

Victor pouted but nodded.  “Fine.  I won’t tell you about mine.”

 

“Something new?” Yuuri’s interest piqued obvious in his expression.

 

Victor nodded.

 

Yuuri grinned.  “I look forward to it.”    

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did not know about the five senses method for anxiety and panic attacks until a reader shared it with me. We can always use new strategies for dealing with our anxieties. I thought it important for Yuuri to practice the strategy so that he would be familiar with it should he ever need it. I mean, we practice fire drills and intruder drills in school hoping we will never have to use them. 
> 
> Yuuri doesn't like to use medication in this fiction. However, I hope no one takes that as saying that there is something wrong with medication for controlling anxiety. That's between you and your doctor...and will play a prevalent role in "Semicolon". Regardless, it is good to have a bag of tricks, strategies, for dealing with anxiety and possible anxiety attacks.
> 
> https://www.smartlivingnetwork.com/holistic/b/zenned-5-senses-meditation-for-free-natural-anxiety-relief/


	41. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We are finally at the World's!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for the extra set of eyes, BluSkates. I've pushed hard through chapters this weekend and you bore the pace well. You are much appreciated.

* * *

 

 

**World Figure Skating Championships, Shanghai, China**

 

They arrived late in Shanghai, China, and made their way to their hotel.  Chris had agreed to room with Phichit and was already there when they checked in.  Yuuri and Victor were across the hall.  Phichit and Victor went back and forth across the hall talking with Chris and Ezio who admitted he’d be in and out as their scheduled allowed. 

 

Yuuri, however, showered and fell into bed, like the jetlagged zombie that he was.  Victor tucked the blankets around him and let him be.

 

Victor tried to wake Yuuri up for dinner but he snuggled further into his cocoon.  Victor ruffled his lover’s hair before joining the rest across the hall.  Room service and laughs until their bodies demanded res.  Victor crossed the hall and snuggled under the blankets with Yuuri.  Yuuri turned into Victor as soon as he made his way into bed.  “Vitya…” he murmured in his sleep.  Victor nuzzled him into a kiss and Yuuri half woke up in response.  As the kiss broke, he rubbed his forehead.  “Jetlag…”

 

“I saved you a sandwich in case you woke up hungry,” Victor offered. 

 

Yuuri smiled weakly.  “No appetite.”

 

“I guess we haven’t traveled together like this.  I don’t know your habits.”

 

“’s okay,” he mumbled.  He brushed a kiss over Victor’s lips.  “Sleeeeep.”

 

Victor chuckled.  “Okay, I’ll let you sleep.”

  
  


* * *

 

 

Yuuri realized as they got ready the next morning that although they slept in the same room, occasionally changed in the same room, they had never really shared a bathroom.  They found themselves bumping into one another, lacking in rhythm, as they rushed about trying to get ready before they all met for breakfast.  Yakov arranged for early ice, the Russians dragging their small group with their larger party.

 

As they prepared to leave, Victor tipped Yuuri’s chin up and studied his eyes.  “You still look lagged,” he observed.

 

Yuuri nodded.  “I’ll be good by this evening.  It just takes me a little longer to adjust.”

 

“Can you eat breakfast?”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “Something light but they should have something I can handle here at the hotel.”

 

“Well, let’s go down and get something into you.  I want to see some protein in the mix.”

 

Yuuri ended up with sweet eggs and rice along with some smoked pork.  Victor went with a smoothie and added some protein powder to it.  He offered Yuuri a drink who made a face and promptly refused it, pushing as far away from him as possible. 

 

A hand fell on his shoulder and he looked up to see Phichit’s face, too happy for the morning after such a trip.  Yuuri scowled and turned back to his eggs.  Phichit laughed, used to traveling with Yuuri, and took a seat next to him.  Chris joined them shortly, his green eyes warm and affectionate.

 

“How are the lovers this morning?” greeted the Swiss man. 

 

Victor grinned and lifted his smoothie in salute.  Yuuri shifted his eyes up before dropping them back down. 

 

“Is Victor treating you too rough?” Chris teased with a wink.

 

Yuuri shot up his eyes in surprise, his face turning red.  Victor laughed, reaching a hand out reassuringly.  “You’ll have to remember, Yuuri, that Chris loves to tease,” the Russian reminded him.

 

Yuuri nodded, forcing another bite of eggs before pushing his plate away. 

 

Victor eyed it critically before shifting the juice in his direction.  “We aren’t leaving until you finish that off and drink this.”

 

Yuuri glared at him over the glass but he forced down his breakfast.

They gathered in the lobby.  Yakov had arranged transport to the rink.  Victor greeted his Russian skate family before turning to introduce them to his Yuuri.  They all embraced him and he knew several of their faces from when they cheered him on during Four Continents.  “Where is Yuri?” Victor asked.

 

They exchanged glances.  Yakov, however, was the one who answered.  “He’s spending time with his grandpa but he said to give you a message.”

 

“Oh?”

 

“He is coming to Detroit in April for his program.”

 

Victor smiled.  “He’s going to have to work hard at it.  I didn’t make it easy for him.”

 

“I wouldn’t expect that you to.  I’m giving him three weeks to wrap it up and return to Russia.”

 

Victor touched his index finger to his lips thoughtfully.  “That should be enough time.  I have it ready to present to him.”

 

Later that morning, as Yuuri familiarized himself with the ice, Victor stood next to Yakov.  “Did you leave him home because of what happened to Yuuri?” he asked quietly.

 

Yakov nodded.  “The boy is impulsive.  I couldn’t trust that he’d stay safe.”

 

“Have you heard anything from your nephew?” Victor continued, keeping his voice low.

 

“Nikolai said he’d be in contact with the two of you next month.”

 

“Good.  I know Yuuri wants to get this part over with.”

 

“How is he?” concern creeping into Yakov’s voice.

 

“Good days and bad days.  He’s scared…he’s worried they are here…he is afraid that he won’t be able to recognize them and they’ll get close to him or someone he cares about.”

 

“He seems to be holding up well.”

 

“I hope…sometimes it’s just a tightly wound spring.  It can unravel unexpectedly.”

 

Yakov studied his student for a moment before asking, “How are you, Vitya?”

 

“I-I’m good.  Better,” he insisted as he met the old man’s eyes.  “I have been seeing a counselor.  We both have.”

 

“And are you happy?”

 

Victor’s mouth opened in surprise.  Closing it, he nodded sharply.  “As happy as can be expected given the circumstances.”

 

Yakov nodded.  “My Lilia has been worried.  You could call more often.”

 

“You review my skating with me five to six times a week,” Victor pointed out chuckling.

 

“It’s not the same,” Yakov gruffed.  “We worry about you.”

 

Victor smiled fondly.  “I’ll do better, Yakov.  I promise.  And…thank you for doing what you can to watch out for Yuuri.”

 

“I would do it anyway but…he is important to you, Vitya.”

 

“Very,” Victor confirmed quietly.

 

“You spent a year with that artist.  Six months with Chris.  I’ve never seen you this serious with either of them.”

 

“I can honestly say that I wasn’t.”

 

“That’s how it was with my Lilia,” Yakov responded, his voice growing distant.

 

Victor smiled.  Yakov revealed little about his private life and Victor recognized the privilege he was granted.

 

Yuuri came off the ice and pulled on the guards, shaky from the workout.  Victor leaned in and brushed a kiss on his cheek before murmuring.  “Celestino said to come see him.  He wants you to eat a protein bar or drink a shake.  You look pale and piqued.”  Victor kept a sharp eye on him until he reached his coach before taking the ice for himself.

  
  


* * *

 

 

That evening found the foursome holed up in Victor and Yuuri’s room curled up into a tangle as they watched a movie on Phichit’s laptop. 

 

A stray hand played with Yuuri’s hair.  As Victor was lying in his lap, he turned to find Chris winking in his direction.

 

“Ignore him, Yuuri.  He’s a harmless flirt,” Victor commented dryly.

 

“Where’s Ezio?” Phichit inquired.

 

“Practicing with his sister.  She’ll keep him from coming over tonight.  Too close to competition.”

 

Yuuri looked in his direction, surprised.  “How does that work?”

 

Chris shrugged.  “It’s an open relationship for a reason.”

 

Yuuri felt Victor squeeze his hand and knew not to press.  He turned back to the movie. 

 

Victor cocked an eyebrow at Phichit.  “Tell me you packed something other than _The_ _King and the Skater_.”

 

“It’s a good movie!” Phichit defended.

 

“Don’t worry,” Yuuri added.  “I have the  _ Harry Potter Collector’s Edition _ .  We can marathon our way through Hogwarts.”

 

“I can add some French porn to the collection,” Chris offered.  They all gave him an odd look.  

He grinned and shrugged.

 

“We can always fall back on skate videos,” Victor suggested.

 

As the party broke up and Phichit packed up his laptop, Victor could have sworn he heard 

Phichit ask about Chris’s French porn.  Chris laughed that low seductive laugh of his as his arm went around the Thai man.

 

“So, what about Jaden?” Victor asked, nodding towards Phichit.

 

Yuuri snorted.  “Phichit flits from person to person, too curious to hold still.”

 

“Oh?  And now he’s in Chris’s purview.”

 

“Are they really in an open relationship?” 

 

“Ezio and Chris?  Yes…for now.”

 

“As in?”

 

“I’m waiting for Chris to get fed up with it.  Not the open relationship.  The control of Ezio’s sister.”

 

“Oh.  Is Chris okay rooming with Phichit?”

 

“He’s the one that suggested it.  Something about pretty Thai boys…”

 

“The pretty Thai boy will probably be very complicit,” Yuuri confessed.

 

“Don’t worry.  Chris is good to lay out the parameters before they hit the sheets.  Phichit, if he agrees, will know ahead of time what he is getting into.”

 

“It’s not Phichit I’m worried about,” Yuuri laughed.

 

Victor raised an eyebrow.  “Chris and his apprentice.  Except, Phichit has that wide-eyed innocent look about him.”

 

“Which we both know is a blatant lie.”

 

Victor chuckled even as he nodded in agreement.  Pulling Yuuri into his embrace, he tucked him in as his little spoon brushing a kiss on the back of his neck.  “We need to sleep, love.  Short program tomorrow.”

 

Yuuri nodded.  He reached down and grabbed hold of Victor’s hand, lacing his fingers between them.  Cocoa found a space next in the curl of their bodies.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm taking a break from Lifeline while I put together a chapter for "Semicolon".
> 
> Don't worry...you won't feel a thing. I've backlogged through the World's. Enjoy the ride!


	42. Chapter 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Short program…and POSSIBLE TRIGGERING EVENTS. Yuuri will definitely be triggered. Watch for the double bar. If you choose to skip this section, there will be a brief summary at the end of the chapter. 
> 
> Otherwise, buckle up. Shit’s about to happen!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much, BluSkate, for reading through this. You provided some great insight as well as helped me clean this up.

* * *

 

 

 

**World Figure Skating Championships, Shanghai, China**

 

The skaters arrived to the crowd of press associates.  “Are you ready?” Victor whispered in Yuuri’s ear.

 

He groaned.  “Ready as ever.”

 

The press seemed to have their radar out for Victor and they turned on him immediately.  

“Victor, there’s a rumor that you’re retiring after this year.”  Victor chuckled in response even as he placed a protective hand to guide Yuuri through the crowd.  “Victor, why have you been training in Detroit?”  “Mr. Nikiforov, is it true that you are in a relationship with Mr. Katsuki?”

 

Victor glanced down towards Yuuri.  They had decided after the rink pictures that they weren’t denying it but they hadn’t really discussed how they would handle the press with this matter.  Yuuri cupped his hand over Victor’s ear and whispered, “Let’s give them something to talk about.”

 

Yuuri removed his hand, reaching down to grab hold of Victor’s jacket and turned him his direction with a wink.  He slid an arm around his neck even as Victor’s arms went around his back.  The kiss was tender and chaste but public, leaving little room for argument.  Pictures snapped in a storm of flashes.  Yuuri slipped comfortably into Victor’s embrace, resting an ear against Victor’s chest.  Victor tilted his head towards the press.  “I guess you have your answers,” he responded to the shocked reporters.  He then turned and ushered Yuuri inside.

 

He immediately met with Yakov’s disapproval.  He shrugged.  What could he do?  Yuuri offered him a kiss and Victor would be damned before he’d turn it down.

  
  


Yuuri stood at the barrier watching Victor skate to the center where he began his short program, [ _Once Upon a December_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1zamKoUREI) .  Victor blew a kiss in Yuuri’s direction and laughed as the young man held up his hand to catch it.  Phichit giggled at their whimsy.  As Victor went through his number Yuuri could see the tiny adaptations made to incorporate their story.  He smiled, his heart warmed by Victor’s unabashed love for him. 

 

Victor came off the ice, finding Yuuri standing near the Kiss and Cry.  He scooped the Japanese skater into his arms as he listened to his scores.  He nodded with approval.  The marks were high.  It didn’t break his record but it was the highest this program had garnered.  He met Yuuri’s lips with a kiss then turned and waved towards his fans before moving with Yuuri into the closed off seating set aside for the skaters and other ISU officials, separate from the crowd.  Chris skated next.

 

Yuuri leaned forward to talk in Victor’s ear as they watched.  “Chris sure likes to push boundaries.”

 

Victor chuckled and leaned back.  “He’s referred to as  _ sex on ice _ for a reason.”

 

Yuuri pinked up but nodded in response.

 

The next group prepared to go to the holding area as Chris left the arena for the ice to be resurfaced.  Victor reluctantly let him go but he saw Celestino waiting to receive both Yuuri and Phichit.  There was another skater slated between the two of them.  Chris joined Victor shortly in the stands. 

 

Yuuri moved to the center and took his position for [ _Unravel_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEQf5lcnj_o) .  The opening strains sent him into his opening glide and he focused on Victor’s constant presence, his support, his strength.  He remembered words that Victor wove into him.  Words of love.  Words of strength.  Words of admiration.  With Victor in his corner, Yuuri felt unstoppable. 

 

The step sequence pulled his attention as he moved through the complicated movements.  He then glided into the setup for his next jump.  Quad toe.  The next was a quad-triple combination.  He moved into the setup and laid claim to it.  He finished skating the stepped up program with only a few small flaws. 

 

He skated across the ice into Victor’s waiting embrace.  “I’m so proud of you!” Victor gushed.  

They waited holding onto one another.  The score came up placing him in third with Chris and Victor ahead of him.  Yuuri’s eyes widened in surprise but Victor’s smile told him that his lover had no doubts.

 

* * *

 

POSSIBLE TRIGGERING EVENTS FOLLOW

* * *

* * *

 

Yuuri stood at the barrier watching Phichit while Victor dealt with reporters.  Cocoa diligently watched her human even as he stared at the beautiful skate performed by his friend.  Yuuri was familiar with every nuance but he still enjoyed this complete performance.

 

Engrossed in the performance, he failed to notice someone approach him from behind.  A breath and the brush of a calloused finger against the side of his neck sent a startled chill through him.  Stiffening, Yuuri started to say something thinking at first it was Victor but Victor would have his gloves on or his hands would be ice cold. He froze as he smelled a familiar, sickening sweet scent.

 

“Don’t turn around,” the low voice warned next to his ear. 

 

Yuuri’s breath hitched.  He was in full sight of everyone but he was terrified, exposed.  He began to shake and Cocoa let out a low warning growl towards the intruder. 

 

“I hear you’ve been talking to the police.  You will keep your mouth shut or we will look for someone near and dear to you,” he threatened, adding a leer to the end of that sentence.  The voice continued as he traced that finger down the side of Yuuri’s arm until he grabbed his wrist and squeezed, reminding him that there was physical strength behind those words.  “Your pretty friend or boyfriend would look beautiful splayed out beneath my man.”  

 

Yuuri whimpered as his wrist was twisted.  Cocoa came undone, snapping and barely missing the man threatening her human.  She moved between them in a guard stance as the man took a step back, growling as he retreated.

 

As Cocoa’s growls quieted Yuuri’s panic set in.  He pushed back from the barrier and turned, scanning the crowd for something to tell him who the voice belonged to.  All he had was a smell…and a voice.  He rubbed the wrist, feeling the bruise set in.  His breathing started to disjoint.   _ Where was Victor?  Where was his coach?  How did he get separated from both of them?   _ He moved quickly through the crowd seeking escape, the need to hide pushing his reactions.  Reaching the room where the skaters warmed up, he started searching for a safe place.  He finally pulled open a closet near the dressing room.  Crawling inside, he started to close the door when he remembered he had Cocoa.

 

He opened his mouth to command the dog and realized nothing would escape.  Stamping his foot in angry frustration, he reached into his memory.  They had created hand signals for Cocoa.  Two held fast in his memory:  “Guard” and “Get Victor.”  He waffled between the two commands but knew he needed help.  So he signed for the latter.  The dog barked as Yuuri released him from his lead, taking off as Yuuri latched the door.  Yuuri curled up, trembling, feeling his fears crash around him.  His panic weighed heavy on him.  What was it they practiced?  Five senses.

 

_ What do I see? _  He hung up on that…he couldn’t see the man.  Closing his eyes, he tried to sort his breathing.  He couldn’t get it ordered and he knew he’d black out if he didn’t calm down.  He opened his eyes once more and forced himself to look around.  His eyes adjusted to the darkness.  _  A mop bucket.  Jugs of chemical cleaners.   A broom.  Stepladder.  Rags. _

 

_ What do I hear? _ _ The monitor spouting skate results.  I’m now in fourth.  Phichit is in sixth.  Come back Cocoa!  Bring Vitya! _

 

_ What can I feel? _ _ The cool concrete.  The silkiness of this skate costume.  The clamminess of my skin.  Something trickling down his cheeks.  Oh.  I’m crying.  _

 

_ What do I smell? _  His breathing hitched a little, remembering the sweet scent.   _ No, stick to the present.  I smell chemical cleaners.  Bleach.  Something lemony. _

 

_ What do I taste? _ _ Something metallic.  I must have bitten my lip.  It’s bleeding. _

 

He waited, shivering but feeling more grounded.  Yuuri focused on listening, tears and an occasional whimper slipping from him.  He was still very much afraid.

 

* * *

  
  


Victor came to the stands after shaking off the reporters and immediately looked for Yuuri.   _ Where is he?  _  He found Celestino leaving the Kiss and Cry with a concerned look.  “Where’s my Yuuri?”

 

“I turned to talk to a sponsor and when I turned back he was gone.  I’ve been looking for him since but I haven’t seen him for at least half an hour.”

 

A tightness clutched at Victor’s gut.  Victor began navigating the crowd, asking if anyone had seen him, and learned that a skater was seen with a dog moving towards the dressing room.  He made his way past the crowd and just as he cleared them, he was met with a very anxious and demanding Cocoa.  “Where’s Yuuri?” Victor asked her.  “Find Yuuri!”  Victor followed the dog down past the warm up space and into the hall towards the dressing room.  However, the dog stopped short of the dressing area. 

 

He stood before a door.  Leaning forward, he could hear breathing and soft crying.  He knocked.  “Yuuri?  Are you in there?”  He heard a whimper.  He tried the doorknob.  It was locked.  “Yuuri, honey?  You need to unlock the door.”  He rattled it some more.  “Come on, Yuuri.  Please let me in.  It’s Victor.”  Cocoa barked in echo behind him.

 

Victor heard some movement within then the sound of the lock releasing.  Yuuri fell into his embrace.  “God, Yuuri, what happened?”  Victor studied him for signs of harm.  The younger man radiated fear but he seemed unscathed.  Victor brushed kisses against his forehead.  “It’s okay. I’m here,” he repeated between the kisses as the younger man clung to him.  He held Yuuri’s face between his hands, alarm in his eyes.  “Talk to me, Yuuri.  Tell me what happened.” 

 

Yuuri stared up at him, tears slipping down his cheek, trapped once more in silence. 

 

Victor nodded, acknowledging he couldn’t speak just yet.  “Let me get you back to our room.”  He pulled out his phone and texted both Celestino and Yakov.  By the time the coaches reached them, Yuuri was shivering heavily and clinging to Victor’s hand.  Victor’s team jacket was draped over Yuuri’s shoulders.  

 

Victor held onto the smaller man protectively, the scene too similar to the night of the rape.  “He needs to get out of here.  I want to take him back to the hotel, back to our room,” Victor demanded.  He then smoothed Yuuri’s hair back and brushed a reassuring kiss.  The cold sweat worried him.

 

Celestino knelt before his student and studied Yuuri’s face.  “We need to have him looked at first.  We should take him to a hospital...or at least have the medics here look him over.”

 

Yuuri squeezed Victor’s hand and Victor looked down to see the frightened boy shaking his head feverishly. 

“Hopefully, once he feels safe, I can pull him out of this state,” Victor murmured, his other hand stroking down the side of his face in a comforting action.  “He doesn’t want the hospital.  Let’s try it his way.” 

 

Celestino turned to Yakov.  “Will you make sure Phichit gets back to the hotel safely?” 

 

Yakov was about to nod when he saw the very real fear in Yuuri’s expression.  “Perhaps it would be better if he goes with you.”

 

**CC/ Come to the dressing rooms.  We are headed back to the hotel.**

**P/ Is everything okay?**

**CC/ Yuuri had a panic attack.**

**P/ On my way.**

 

Phichit arrived within minutes with Chris in tow.  Victor was supporting Yuuri as they discussed the method of escape in order to avoid reporters.  Phichit pulled up a stadium map and pointed out a back access.  “It’s not foolproof, but it should get us past the majority of reporters.  Is there a car waiting?”

 

Yakov nodded.  “I’ll redirect our driver to the back.  He’ll get you out of here.”

 

Sure enough, the driver was waiting for them.  He nodded towards Victor before opening the door.  Victor helped Yuuri inside and followed him, slipping a protective arm around him.  

 

Celestino and the other two skaters followed.  Victor spoke in Russian to the driver.   _ “Back to the hotel.  Back door.  Avoid reporters.”   _ The driver nodded in acknowledgement.

Back in the hotel, Victor settled Yuuri into their room.  “You’re safe now, love.  Can you talk to me?”

 

Yuuri met his eyes.  A tear slipped from the corner of his eye.  Victor swallowed down his own sob as he pulled Yuuri into his embrace.  The others surrounded him.  No one knew what to think and Yuuri was locked up, unable to tell them. 

* * *

* * *

 

 

_ SUMMARY OF THE EVENTS ABOVE:  While Yuuri is watching Phichit skate, he hears a familiar voice behind him and freezes.  They threaten those who mean most to him if he speaks.  Yuuri’s PTSD kicks in and he finds a closet to hide in.  Enough of his headspace levels out to release Cocoa and signal her to get Victor.  Victor finds Yuuri who has retreated back into a mute, near catatonic state. _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next update will probably be either Monday night or Tuesday morning...I hope you are liking this! 
> 
> I love to hear from you. Comment, share, subscribe, or send Kudos!


	43. Chapter 43

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get to see Yuuri’s courage come forward here as he skates Heart of Courage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love hearing from you. Kudos, comments, shares, and subscriptions. All are wonderful.
> 
> Also, thanks to BluSkates, the glaring plothole was filled. ;)

* * *

 

**World Figure Skating Championships, Shanghai, China**

  
  


Victor listened for Yuuri in the shower.  He pulled the fuzzy blanket from their luggage, thankful that Phichit insisted they pack it.  Laying it on the foot of the bed, he approached the bathroom as he heard the water shut off.  He lingered by the door.  It wasn’t latched but pushed closed for privacy.  Victor battled between wanting to check on his boyfriend and respecting that privacy.

 

“Yuuri?” he asked tentatively, uncertain how the man would answer him.  He tapped the door gently so as not to disturb it.

 

Yuuri opened it and invited him in.  Victor automatically checked for abrasions, knowing that  Yuuri sometimes scrubbed hard in the shower when feeling threatened by _them_.  He approached Yuuri cautiously.  Yuuri looked over at him, his eyes sad.  He then offered his hand. Victor went to him and enfolded him in his embrace.  “Can I check you over?  Just to make sure you’re okay?”

 

Yuuri nodded his consent, stepping back.  He stood before Victor wearing only his boxers, his chin dropped.  Victor stepped behind him.  He reached around and lifted his chin.  “You have nothing to be ashamed of,” he asserted.  “You are my brave, beautiful Yuuri.”  

 

A tear escaped the corner of one of Yuuri’s eyes.  He drew a sharp breath.  Then he forced a sad smile. 

 

Victor stepped back and studied Yuuri’s skin for marks and bruises.  Turning Yuuri to face him, he spotted the bruising on his wrist.  “Who…Yuuri, were you threatened?”  As Yuuri slowly nodded, the panic attack earlier took on a very real threat.  Victor’s breath caught as he wrapped his arms protectively around the brunette realizing the danger his Yuuri had faced.  He felt his chest tighten and tears edge his eyelashes.  “I’m sorry, Yuuri.  I should not have left your side.  This is my fault.  I’m so sorry.”

 

Yuuri pushed him back.   Lifting up a hand, he caught Victor’s chin and drew blue eyes to brown.  He held those eyes for a long time.  He then patted Victor’s chest and shook his head over and over before allowing his hand to slide up around the platinum blonde’s cheek.  He pulled the other man into a tender kiss before hugging him and resting his head on Victor’s shoulder. 

 

“I’m supposed to be comforting you, protecting you,” Victor breathed his protest even as he held him close.  Yuuri stepped back, his brows knitted together in frustration before grabbing Victor’s hand and pulling him into the room.  Yuuri let him go and searched for something among his discarded clothes.  He finally located his phone and came to Victor’s side.

 

**Y/ We comfort each other.  We protect each other.**

**Y/ We can’t always be there, though.**

**Y/ Not your fault!!!**

 

Victor pulled him into his embrace, brushing a kiss against his forehead before pressing his cheek to his temple.  “Nor is it yours, Yuuri.”

 

Victor took the wrist in his hand and studied the bruising.  “I’ll text Chris and Phichit to get us some ice.  Maybe we can get some of this bruising down.  Then I need to know what happened.”

 

Several minutes later a knock announced their friends' return.  Victor invited them into the room.  Phichit went immediately to Yuuri who was seated in the middle of the bed with Cocoa stretched out in his lap.  Chris joined Victor who began to bag up the ice.  Wrapping the bag in a towel, Victor took the pack and placed it on Yuuri’s hand. 

 

Chris’s eyes widened.  “ _ Sacre’ bleu _ !  What happened?”

 

“Yuuri had a good reason for his panic earlier,” Victor stated flatly.

 

“Oh, Yuuri!” Phichit cried out in distress, wrapping his arms around his friend.

 

**_Y/ Stop!  Please._ **

**_Y/ I need to think._ **

 

Victor wrapped his arms around Yuuri’s waist, grounding him.  Yuuri closed his eyes to organize his thoughts.  Finally, he pulled his phone back out to tap out the answer. 

 

**_Y/ They are here._ **

**_Y/ They threatened me if I talked._ **

**_Y/ They…_ **

 

Yuuri paused, struggling with the next words.

 

**_Y/ They threatened to hurt you._ **

 

His eyes searched his friends, reaching out to grab each of their hands.  

 

**_Y/ I don’t want anything to happen to any of you._ **

  
  
  


“What do you need from us?” Victor asked quietly.

 

**_Y/ Just stay close to me._ **

**_Y/ And maybe…_ **

**_Y/ Pork Cutlet Bowl?_ **

**_Y/ Harry Potter marathon?_ **

**_Y/ So I can keep you all close._ **

**_Y/ I don’t think I can relax if you aren’t all here._ **

 

Victor smiled indulgently.  “I’m not sure if we can get Pork Cutlet Bowls here but I’ll check the room service menu.  Maybe they’ll have something similar.  Phichit, can you hook us up for movies?”

 

“You got it!”  Phichit jumped across the hall to get his laptop with Chris in tow. 

 

Victor pulled up the room service menu and looked it over with Yuuri.  The younger man pointed at a dish that seemed to fit the bill.  Victor called in the order for all four. 

 

They pushed the beds together and wrapped up together to watch the movie.  By the end of the third the group started nodding off.  Yuuri didn’t even make it half way.  Phichit scooted to the edge of the bed to move his computer to safety before returning to the friendship nest. He snuggled up between Yuuri and Chris. 

  
  


* * *

 

 

Victor slipped from the blankets after he was certain Yuuri was in a sound sleep and stood next to the window.  He heard a shifting of the mattress and glanced up to see Chris’s approach.  “They got to him,” Victor murmured.  “We were in a public place surrounded by people and they still got to him.”

 

Chris placed a reassuring hand on his friend’s shoulder.  “We’ll just have to keep a closer eye on them.”

 

“I promised to protect him.  I somehow thought I could keep him safe.  What kind of arrogance is that?” Victor dropped his head against the glass.

 

“We need to make sure Yakov and Celestino knows.  They need to up security."

 

“We don’t even know who to watch for,” Victor murmured, hopeless frustration threading his voice.

 

“We know who to protect,” Chris pointed out.

 

Victor felt the sob release.  Chris tightened his hand on his friend’s shoulder.  “I want him to be safe, Chris.  I want to lock him up and keep everyone away from him.  But I know...that would kill him.  He needs to face this but it terrifies me.”

 

“They will eventually make a mistake.  They may already have.  There is film at the rink.  Yuuri may not know who they are, but something might have been caught on camera.”

 

Victor looked up in surprise the thought never occurring to him.  “I need to talk to Yakov.”

 

Chris leaned over and shook Phichit, whispering quietly that they were going to seek out Yakov and he was to stay there and watch over Yuuri.  Phichit nodded in acknowledgement.

 

* * *

 

  
  
  


Victor banged on Yakov’s door and heard a few Russian curses through the barrier.  Yakov opened it, his face set in angry lines exclaiming that it had best be important.

 

“I’m sorry, Yakov,” Victor began, wringing his hands.

 

Yakov’s eyes narrowed taking in his distressed skater.  He glanced back at Chris standing behind the Russian skater with a hand on his shoulder.  Motioning them inside, he indicated they sit.  The old man went to the mini fridge and pulled out a bottle of vodka, pouring them each a drink in disposable plastic hotel cups.  He placed a cup in each hand.  Looking at Victor who remained still, he ordered, “Drink.”

 

Victor downed the liquid in one belt.  Setting the cup down on the table, he looked up to meet Yakov’s eyes.  “Yuuri was threatened at the rink today.”

 

The coach processed the words slowly.  Finally, he asked, “Did he see them?”

 

“No.  He still doesn’t know what they look like.  They threatened to hurt his friends if he said anything.”

 

“That...could explain why he’s gone quiet,” Yakov suggested.

 

Victor started in surprise.  “I wonder...if they threatened him to stay quiet that night as well.”

 

“It’s possible,” Yakov stated.

 

Chris leaned forward.  “They were close enough to put their hands on Yuuri.  He has a bruised wrist.  There might be something on film.”

 

Yakov reached for his phone.  “Yes.  This is Yakov Feltsman.  One of my skaters was threatened at the rink...he didn’t see them...there might be film that could help us identify them...it was during Chulanont’s skate...Yuuri Katsuki...yes, the Japanese skater.  He would have been near the barrier close to seating set aside for badges...yes, they must have credentials...I know what this means.  You need to do your job and look at that film...call me at this number if you find anything...yes, I can come down there tonight if necessary.  Thank you.”  

 

Yakov hung up and studied the two skaters.  “You need to both go rest.  The film is being pulled.  I’ll let you know tomorrow if anything new has turned up.”

 

“Yakov…”

 

“Vitya, you need to trust me.  You brought this to me for a reason.  Security is aware.  Now, trust me.”

 

Victor nodded begrudgingly.  A squeeze of Chris’s hand, and the Russian skater followed his friend out.

 

They returned to the room.  Phichit sat up but Yuuri still slept relatively undisturbed.  At least his Yuuri was resting.  Victor dropped down behind him, smoothing Yuuri’s hair back tenderly.  He met Phichit’s eyes.  “They are looking at the film from the arena,” he informed the Thai man.  Phichit nodded in acknowledgment.  

 

Chris’s weight shifted the mattress behind Phichit.  Wrapping an arm around the smaller man, he murmured, “Sleep, now...both of you.”

 

They settled down and soon their breathing evened out.

  
  


An insistent knock dragged the foursome from their sleep the next morning.  Chris and Phichit sat up disoriented, but stretched as Victor crossed the floor to the door.  Yuuri rolled over and reached for his glasses.   He picked up his phone and drew his knees to his chest.

 

Scratching his head, Victor asked who was at the door.

 

“Celestino,” came the masculine reply.

 

Victor opened the door and started to see Yuuri’s coach accompanied by two women.  “This is Yuuri’s sister Mari and his ballet instructor from Japan, Minako.  They tried to find him after the short program and Yakov informed them that he was taken back to his room.”

 

“Yuuri?” Mari called out, pushing into the room.

 

“Won’t you come in?” Victor invited, feeling overwhelmed.  He turned to where Yuuri was seated on the bed.  Yuuri tightened his hold on his thighs, closing up in a ball.  Victor hastened past the guests to take a position next to his boyfriend.  Victor could feel Yuuri’s tightened muscles as his sister drew closer.  Or perhaps it was the ballet instructor.  He wasn't sure which.

 

Mari settled on the mattress before her brother, running her fingers around the edge of his face and lifting his chin.  She studied his expression.  Taking his hand, she saw him wince and looked down to see the bruise.  “What happened to your hand?”

 

“He had an unfortunate encounter at the rink,” Victor explained.

 

Mari looked sharply towards the blond before turning back to her brother.  “I’d rather hear that from my brother.”

 

Phichit leaned forward, “Well, you see, that’s kind of complicated.”

 

“Why?” Mari demanded.

 

Victor tightened his arms around Yuuri before responding, “He’s not talking right now.  We don’t have all the details.”

 

“Why isn’t he at a hospital?” Minako demanded.

 

“What good would that do?  He has a bruised wrist which is something every figure skater knows how to treat.”

 

“H-he’s not talking!” Mari sputtered, her eyes wide as she looked from her brother to the man beside him.

 

“Yuuri is still fully capable of making his own decisions,” Victor defended.

 

Yuuri pressed his phone forward.

 

**_Y/ I’m fine.  I don’t know how to find my words when they flee._ **

**_Y/ It takes time.  They always come back._ **

 

She looked back and forth between the two men.  “But you’re not skating.”

 

Yuuri’s mouth opened in surprise.  He looked over at Victor.  Was he out? 

 

Victor tightened an arm around him reassuringly.  “That is for him to decide.”

 

“He needs medical care,” Mari insisted.

 

“He needs athletic tape and a pair of skates,” Victor argued, his voice raising.  Turning to Yuuri, he lifted his chin.  “He doesn’t want to give anything up to _them_.  I support him in this.  It’s his decision whether or not to skate.”

 

Yuuri turned his phone once more.

 

**_Y/ I’m going to skate._ **

**_Y/ No hospital.  Tape it up.  I’ll skate._ **

 

Victor turned towards Mari and stated, “I believe a man of 23 is fully capable of making his own choices.  Thank you for your concern.”  He hated to be dismissive with Yuuri's family but they were upsetting Yuuri and his boyfriend's mental health was more important than politeness at the moment.

 

Minako tugged on Mari’s arm.  “Come on, Mari.  Yuuri has made his decision.  Victor is right.  He is 23 years old.”

 

As Minako pulled her out of the room, Victor heard her saying, “But he’s still my little brother.”

 

Celestino turned back towards the skaters.  “Sorry to interrupt your morning.  I have us scheduled for afternoon ice.  We’ll do a run through of each program.  Meet me in the lobby at one.”

 

“Thank you, sir.  If you haven’t done so, please talk to Yakov,” Victor responded.

 

Celestino held Victor’s eyes a moment before nodding sharply.  The door closed sharply behind him as he exited. 

  
  


* * *

 

 

Yuuri took another fall, twisting so he didn’t catch his wrist.  He drew his face up in frustration as his coach called him to the edge of the ice.  “If you are going to skate, you need to work on your head space.  It’s up to you, Yuuri.  No one will think less of you if you withdraw.”

 

Yuuri huffed, his brows drawing to the center.  Skating to the opening in the barrier, he grabbed his guards and moved to the benches.  Anger and frustration exuded from his form.  He wanted to argue; he couldn’t.  He looked up to see Victor land another quad.  He huffed again.

 

Victor realized Yuuri wasn’t on the ice and began to search for him with his eyes.  He skated directly for the barrier in front of him.  “Yuuri!” he called out, pulling to a stop in front of him.

 

Yuuri pulled out his phone as he walked toward Victor, fingers tapping away his frustration.

 

**_Y/ He suggested I withdraw._ **

**_Y/ I need to clear my head._ **

**_Y/ I don’t know what to do._ **

**_Y/ I’m angry, Victor.  I’ve never been so angry._ **

 

Victor looked over those words, then lifted his eyes to meet Yuuri’s.  “If you are angry, skate it out.  Not  _ Courage _ , though.  You need the stronger tones of [ _Unravel_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEQf5lcnj_o) .  You can always do  _ Courage _ after you find your calm.”

 

**_Y/ Skate with me._ **

 

Victor nodded.  Victor had shadowed him through Unravel so many times helping Yuuri to work through the elements.  Yuuri stepped back onto the ice, slamming his guards on the barrier, looking up to glare at his coach.  He was pissed that his coach would even suggest he’d withdraw.  Hadn’t he made it clear that he would skate?

 

Victor lined up next to him, lifting his arm into the starting pose.  Yuuri queued up the song.  As the piano moved into the quicker movements, the insistency built into Yuuri as he pushed through the movements, the step sequences, the jump elements, the turns,  _ Unravel _ was second nature to him and nearly so for Victor.  More importantly, his anger rolled through the song, driving him, giving him an almost impatient edge.  He realized suddenly that Victor changed his movements, he was forcing a response.  He had to react, building off the routine in answer to the new choreography introduced by his partner.  Then he realized why it was familiar.  It was… _ Duetto _ .  The pace quickened, more demanding but still the same.  He ended up in answering movements, breathless, the tone shifting visibly around him.  Victor controlled the pace, slowing him down gradually.  Calm started to enter his mind.  He met Victor's eyes as they drew to a stop.

 

“So are you going to withdraw or skate your free skate, Yuuri?” Victor raised an eyebrow, his stance a challenge. 

 

Yuuri grabbed Victor’s shoulder for support even as he stretched leg, resting his skate over Victor’s shoulder, the answering glint met him in the eye as he slapped his skate.  Determination.

 

Victor grinned, knowing he could never imagine a better response.  “Good…because I want nothing more than to skate against you, Yuuri.”   _ And someday, we are going to have to repeat that move in private. _

 

* * *

 

Yuuri moved into position on the ice as the announcer finished calling out his name.   Taking up the stance of a fighter, he punched into the initial choreography of [ Heart of Courage](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYKUeZQbMF0) .  As the music picked up he told the story of someone who has to fight their way to the surface, fighting those who would pull him down, until he triumphs and turns to face those who would tear him down.  His skate demanded that everyone see him, no longer invisible, no longer hiding in the sidelines.  Then, as he concluded his program, Yuuri's blood ran cold.  His bows drew him to a stop before the stands that held the skaters and other officials.  His attackers were sitting directly behind Phichit.  They narrowed their eyes at him.  He skated frantically to the exit, needing to alert Victor. 

 

* * *

 

 

Victor realized something wasn’t right immediately.  Yuuri gestured wildly towards the stands, towards Phichit.  Cocoa became agitated by her partner’s alarm.  Yuuri closed his eyes, stilling his mind.  He had to speak.  He had to… “Phichit!  They're behind him!”

 

Victor turned and immediately saw hurried movement behind Phichit.  Phichit met Victor’s eyes as the Thai watched with confusion the scene unfolding with Yuuri.

 

“Yakov, stay with Yuuri.”  Victor took Cocoa, grabbing two men with ISU security jackets, he informed them of the threat as they approached the stands.  The men climbed up in a hurry.

 

“Yuuri saw them behind Phichit,” Victor conveyed.  

 

The guards questioned those around Phichit to find out who was sitting there.  They weren’t skaters.  The others didn’t recognize them.  Cocoa sniffed the area and growled, pawing the seats, confirming the threat.

 

“T-they were really behind me?”  Phichit paled as he turned towards a very alarmed Yuuri over by the Kiss and Cry.  Yakov was holding him back.

 

Celestino was suddenly beside Phichit and pulled him from the stands.  “Yuuri needs to see you.  He needs to know that you are safe.  Come with me.” 

 

Phichit found himself suddenly embraced by a frantic, crying Yuuri.  Yuuri pulled back and smoothed his hair back then hugged him again.  The audience watched the display in interest, curious as to what happened and about the activity with security.

 

“I thought you didn’t know what they looked like,” Phichit finally stated.

 

Yuuri slowed his breathing down to find his words again.  “I didn’t…then all of the sudden, I did.  I knew them, I knew their faces.”

 

Phichit turned back thoughtfully towards the stands as Victor talked with security.  “I took a couple of selfies while I was sitting there,” he mused, squeezing his lower lip between thumb and forefinger thoughtfully.  “I wonder if I caught their image…or maybe someone else did.”

 

Pulling out his phone, he flipped through the last few shots.  No faces, but possibly a badge.  “Can you clear up that image?” Yuuri asked.

 

“Maybe,” he answered, chewing the corner of his lip.  “I need the computer at home, though.  I don’t have the right software on my laptop.  Dark clothes.  I think that’s a watch.  It might be identifiable.”

 

Yuuri had his arm around Phichit protectively as Victor rejoined them.  He handed Cocoa’s lead back to Yuuri with the command, “Guard.”  He met Yuuri’s gaze.  He had to skate soon.  He didn’t want to leave his love unprotected.

 

Yuuri met his eyes and nodded.  “Go, Victor.  Skate for me.  Don’t let them take this from you either.  I’ll stay with Phichit and Celestino.  I’ll be fine.” 

 

Victor met Yakov’s eyes and received a subtle nod in reply that the old man would keep watch over his family.  He nodded and moved towards the barrier, where the final three skaters were preparing to take the ice and warm up.

 


	44. Chapter 44

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I guess you want to know who won…

* * *

 

 

**World Figure Skating Championships, Shanghai, China**

  
  


Yuuri tensed as the police approached him for an official description.  He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to see Yakov standing protectively at one shoulder and Celestino near his other.  Yakov informed the local officers that this was an open case being investigated by Interpol and handed them a card with his nephew’s contact information. 

 

Yuuri provided a surprisingly detailed description of the two men, adding that they had what looked like ISU credentials.  One wore a watch with a purple band.  He also reported the threat made against his friend and boyfriend should he talk.

 

“I’m surprised you are providing us this information since they threatened those you care about.”

 

“They threatened Phichit even before I could speak.  It is obvious they have no intention to keep away from them.  The best way to keep them safe is to get their descriptions out.”

 

The officer nodded.  “I agree.  We can only protect if we know there is a threat.”  Turning to Yakov, he added, “We will share this report with the Interpol agent, Mr. Feltsman.”

 

By the time the police finished with him, Phichit pulled Yuuri to the barrier in time to see Chris slide across the ice to take his position.  Yuuri noticed a smile playing at Phichit’s lips.  Chris’s costume gave him a disheveled appearance.  His skate to [ La Traviata](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvQvcLXHWI4) suggested drunkenness in the loose fluidity of his movements; it included practiced-to-perfection step sequences that enhanced the idea.  Even though miming drunken sloppiness, Chris’ jumps and spins were level fours and he did not waiver, did not wobble.  He finished to the laughing applause from the audience as he took his bows.

 

As Chris exited the ice, he looked over to where the other two boys waited.  His score placed him in first and it was here that Yuuri first noticed the rankings since he skated.  He looked at Phichit in surprise as they announced his standing in second.  Chris joined him shortly after the announcement, his arm going protectively around them both.  “I’m sorry I wasn’t there to look over him, Yuuri.  I thought he’d be safe in the stands.”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “He’s safe now.  Thank you, Chris.  And I was able to give a description.  So it is a break in the case.”

 

Chris gave them both a squeeze and nodded to Victor as he took the ice, an unspoken message to reassure the older skater that his boys were looked after.  Victor lowered his head and waited for the opening strains.  He moved fluidly into the choreography, dancing on the ice the all too familiar movements that he and Yuuri had practiced both on the dance floor and on the ice.  With Yuuri so close, it became very apparent to any who were truly watching that this plea to [ Stay Close to Me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_P0dSlx5CQ) was very personal, directed as surely as a love letter to the Japanese man standing next to the barrier with his eyes fixed on every movement of the older skater.  Victor moved into the final spin and raised his elbows into the finish. 

 

The applause was instantaneous, roses and poodle plushies hitting the ice.  Victor skated around the rink with his bows and stopped before a younger fan who handed him two poodles, one lighter like Makka, and one more chocolate like Cocoa.  He smiled and thanked her as he continued around the barrier to the Kiss and Cry.  Yuuri greeted him with his guards, embracing him in greeting.  He was breathless even as he pulled Yuuri to sit with him as he heard the scores.  Chris was nearby. 

 

Victor took first.  His scores pushed him ten points above Chris who only held second by a two point margin above Yuuri.  Yuuri looked at Victor in surprise, the older man grinned and kissed him.  “That’s right, _ lyobov moya _ , you made it to the podium at the World Championships.  How does it feel?”

 

“I…have no words,” Yuuri stammered.

 

“Even those words are beautiful to hear from your lips, my Yuuri,” he purred.  “You’re going to have to get used to winning.”

 

As Victor stood on the center podium, he wrapped an arm around both his lover and friend, leaning over to kiss the top of Yuuri’s head.  If the world didn’t already know about their relationship, it was just announced on international television.  And to remove any doubt, Victor wrapped his arms around Yuuri as he came off the podium and kissed him fully on the lips.

 

* * *

  
  


**Exhibition skates:**

 

Yuuri took the ice.  His costume, created by three layers of long sleeved t-shirts in brown, green, and black cut artfully in layers, had leaves appliqued to the edges to give it a wilder appearance.  The crystals that bedazzled it seemed to accent the cuts, glittering randomly down the surface.  There was a ragged casual elegance to the look made complete with his black skate pants.

 

Yuuri closed his eyes for a moment as the opening notes of [ Lost Boy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58TBZnvyGwQ) wrapped around him.  Then he opened his eyes and his expression opened into a childlike smile, his innocence coming through his expression.  It shouldn’t be possible for one of 23 to captivate the audience with childlike grace.  The whimsy of his movements captured the tale of Peter Pan and Wendy, Captain Hook and Tinkerbell.  The audience was captivated. 

 

He circled the stadium, waving at fans and as he crossed the space where his lover waited, he blew a kiss.  Victor laughed, catching the kiss midair even as Yuuri skated his direction.  Victor caught him, his hand resting on his waist, his forehead dropping to Yuuri’s.  “You were amazing!  I loved it!”

  
  


 

 

Chris entered the rink in bright animal print pants and a muscle t-shirt.  Although the audience giggled and exchanged glances that ranged from basic curiosity to “What the ----!”, the music revealed there was a madness to Chris’s method.  The first notes to [ Sexy and I Know It](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wyx6JDQCslE) belted through the speakers.  Chris danced it to perfection with vulgar movements that performed to his audience in a light hearted play on the seriousness of the event.  It seemed appropriate for a man not opposed to showing up at an elegant, formal banquet with a stripper pole slung over his shoulder.  And the audience loved it!

  
  


 

 

Victor took the ice dressed in a plum tunic that hit the high points of his shoulder fading to a rose at the end of his sleeves and darkening to a deep plum at the base of the tunic that has a feminine edge, the layers of silken fabric fluttering in sharp angles off of his hips.  The collar draped beautifully adding to the femininity.  Crystals glittered across the surface catching the light. 

 

Victor skids into a turn as he offers a flirty wink aimed towards the Kiss and Cry and Yuuri Katsuki.  He could see the open laugh of his lover.  He crossed his arms, assuming a jaded persona.  The first playful notes of [ I Won’t Say I’m in Love](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPI6nhnmbbg)  echo through the stadium.  Victor fills every motion with drama, rolling his eyes and flamboyantly dancing through the notes, hips swaying, hands giving the attitude until he softens into the closing.

 

He skated to his lover’s side, dropping his forehead to Yuuri.  The younger man reached up a hand to tenderly stroke his cheek.  “Beautiful,” he murmured even as Victor turned into that hand, brushing his lips in the palm.  A clearing of the throat broke the spell as they turned towards their friends.  They still had a banquet to attend.   

 

* * *

 

The added security at the banquet and throughout the hotel made the event even more subdued.  Yuuri stayed close to Victor as they mingled among ISU officials, coaches, sponsors, and fellow skaters.  If anyone noted that Yuuri had a champagne flute in his hand the entire time, they may have overlooked that it was the same glass. 

 

The activities of the past few days, however, caught up to Yuuri and after a little over an hour, he was leaning heavily on Victor.  Finally, his lover took mercy on him and he made the necessary goodbyes, guiding Yuuri to the exit with a protective hand in the center of his back. 

 

Yuuri stared at the elevator as it opened.  Victor took a step forward but realized Yuuri wasn’t moving.  He moved back to stand next to Yuuri. 

 

The door closed. 

 

Yuuri looked up at Victor wide eyed.  “I don’t know if I can do this,” he confessed.

 

A set of arms slipped around the waists of the pair and they looked to find Chris and Phichit standing next to them. 

 

“Let’s take this ride together,” Chris suggested.

 

The elevator opened.

 

Yuuri took a deep breath.

 

With his friends by his side, he took a step. 

 

Then another. 

 

Then he was inside.

  
  


They spent the rest of the evening piled up in Victor and Yuuri’s room watching skate videos and sharing stories of past events.  Chris was a treasure trove of Victor’s antics, dragging Victor into the storytelling process.  Their dramatic exhibitions had Yuuri and Phichit in tears from laughing so hard.  Even as the lights went off and they lay all snuggled together, cocooning Yuuri to make him feel safe and secure, giggles erupting spontaneously from time to time…possibly aggravated by Victor or Chris tickling the younger men lying in the middle.

 

* * *

 

 

Note1:  The worlds would be held 23-29 Mar in Shanghai, China.  I’ll keep true to those dates. 

 

Note 2:  I’m aware that Victor getting permission from Disney is far-fetched…but that’s fiction for you.

 

Note 3:  Chris’s exhibition was inspired by Plushenko’s exhibition of [ Sex Bomb](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogpwrc6oCKM&t=21s) .   Sorry, BluSkates…although, I technically kept my promise!  ;)

 

Note 4:  I don’t know about you but my heart needs a break.  And seriously?!  They didn’t catch those bastards yet?!!  (I know you are thinking it so I said it for you.)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The notes are above this because one of them is hyperlinked.


	45. Chapter 45

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Returning to Detroit…

* * *

  
  


**_Shanghai, China_ **

 

Yakov and Celestino both came to the room the four boys were all sharing at this point.  They knocked and were admitted by Victor, who was half-dressed from a shower.  Yuuri was curled up on the couch in his pajamas but stood up wide-eyed when the coaches entered the room.  Celestino motioned for him to sit back down.  Chris rolled over onto his stomach on the bed next to Phichit who sat cross-legged, phone in hand.

 

“It’s probably good that you are all together,” Celestino began.  “We’ve heard from ISU security.  They’ve managed to isolate stills of the men that threatened Yuuri and Phichit from security film.”

 

“So, who are they?” Phichit asked.

 

“We don’t know.  Did anything in their accent give them away, Yuuri?” Celestino inquired.

 

Yuuri thought hard on it as Victor settled next to him, placing a reassuring hand on his knee.  “I’m not certain.  Their accents sound maybe Russian?  But it’s hard to say.  It’s similar but not the same as Victor’s.”

 

“That could explain why their first international event was Sochi.  It could be a regional difference in the accent,” Yakov surmised.  “The ISU officials are comparing the images to the pictures of the officials listed for the event.  No one has recognized them yet, but it’s a big organization.”

 

Phichit toyed with his device for a moment before stating thoughtfully, “Or they could have faked their credentials.”  Five pairs of eyes locked on him.  Phichit shrugged uncomfortably.  “I’m just saying that it’s not an unlikely assumption.  It would explain why no one recognizes them.”

 

“It would take some skill,” Chris commented.

 

Phichit shrugged.  “Give me a good picture of a badge and a laptop and I could have papers in less than a day.  And it would pass.”

 

“Even if they lack the skill, someone could have created the papers for them,” Yuuri added.  

“They had a…less educated feel about them.  Like they came from a rougher life.  I wonder, though.  Why figure skaters?”

 

He looked up as his friends shifted uncomfortably.  Yakov finally spoke.  “We may not ever know.  However, with your description and the stills, we have a lot more to offer Interpol.  Nikolai has already received the reports and is already working to incorporate them into his investigation.  Yuuri, do you think you could talk with him later this week?  He’d like to interview you while the last incident is fresh.”

 

Yuuri nodded slowly.  “Is this over the phone?”

 

“I believe so,” Yakov confirmed.

 

“Can I…can I have Victor and maybe Phichit with me?”

 

Yakov nodded.  “I already informed him that you’ll probably have Victor by your side.  It may actually be helpful as English is Nikolai’s second language.”

 

Yuuri sighed in relief.  “Then yes, I can do this.”

 

“Good.  The sooner we move on this, the better.”

 

“Thank you, sir,” Yuuri murmured, dropping his eyes.

 

Yakov watched his skater wrap Yuuri up in protective arms, meeting Yakov’s eyes.  Victor murmured soothing words to the younger man who nodded quietly in response.  Tightening his lips, Yakov nodded sharply.  “I’ll leave you to pack.  Regarding your plan, Vitya…it’s not ideal.  But we will try.  I expect to see you in St. Petersburg at the first of August.  Don’t let your conditioning slide.”

 

“Of course, Yakov.  I’ll be in touch.”

 

“You had best.  My Lilia wants to hear from you.”

 

Victor chuckled softly.  “Of course.  I’ll make sure to reach out to her as well.”

 

Yakov gave his shoulder a squeeze before walking out the door.

 

Celestino took in the state of the room.  “Our flight is at one.  Be down in the lobby by 11:30, boys.”  Then he was gone as well.

 

* * *

  
  
  


**Detroit, Michigan**

 

Time slips oddly when traveling.  A fourteen-hour flight.  A twelve hour time difference.  They arrived at three p.m. as if they had just left from New York.  Two hours.  This was the source of the ensuing jetlag.  Victor pulled Yuuri along, knowing he was affected acutely by the travel, guiding him, stopping him, grabbing his luggage, then finally settling him in the taxi that would take them back to the apartment.  Celestino took a separate cab from the three boys and dog.  He would be in touch after a couple of days of rest to see what they wanted to do about practice.

 

The boys entered the apartment where zombie Yuuri collapsed on the couch, stretching his feet down the cushion.  Phichit dragged his luggage to his bedroom and didn’t emerge.  Victor dropped down to the floor next to Yuuri after putting their luggage away.  “We could go to bed,” he suggested.

 

Yuuri studied him, wondering if he was serious.  “I can’t…not until I take a shower.  Give me a few minutes.”

 

“A shower does sound nice.”

 

“Go take yours then,” Yuuri yawned.

 

By the time Yuuri finished his own shower he found Victor in their bed, his breath already even.  Yuuri curled up next to him, running his fingers along the line of Victor’s jaw.  “How is it that I get to sleep next to you?  To wake up next to you?”

 

Victor smiled under his touch, startling Yuuri who thought he was asleep.  “It was one hell of a dance,” he quipped softly, pulling Yuuri tightly into his embrace.

  
  
  


* * *

 

 

They were in Detroit for two days when Nikolai called.  Yuuri put the phone on speaker so that Victor could join into the interview.

 

“You boys have made my job much easier with the connections you have made,” Nikolai stated. 

 

Yuuri leaned against Victor.  “I could no longer just do nothing.  And my friends won’t let me face this alone.  Do you have questions for me?”

 

“Yes.  I’m going to record this interview.”

 

“I expected you would.”

 

“Okay.  Let’s begin,” Nikolai stated.  There was a shuffle and then the two skaters could hear the other man dictate the interview details including their names, the time, and date.  “Now, Mr. Katsuki, I know this interview will be difficult.  We’re not only addressing recent events at the Worlds but also the assault.”

 

“I was raped.  Assault makes it sound nicer.  It was ugly.  I don’t want it to sound nice,” Yuuri stated firmly.

 

“My apologies.  Shall we begin?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Tell me the details from when you were first approached at Shanghai.”

 

Yuuri tumbled out the details from Shanghai beginning with the threat and the injury to his hand and wrapping up with recognizing them in the stands and the events that followed.  He restated his description of the two men including details like the smell, the gravelly sound of the voice that came up behind him, the accents, everything.

 

There was silence after it all poured out as if Nikolai was giving him a chance to relax.  Yuuri breathed in and out several times, holding Victor’s arm to ground himself.

 

With a gentler voice, Nikolai broke the silence.  “I hate to ask you this but I must.  Can you tell me about the night of the Grand Prix Final Banquet?” 

 

Yuuri dropped his head.  His hands were shaking.  He felt Victor’s arms tighten around him.  When did Victor wrap him up in his embrace?  When did he get pulled into the older man’s lap?  “I think so.   I haven’t discussed the details.  Not really.”  He felt Victor squeeze his hand reassuringly.

 

“Take your time,” the voice on the phone encouraged.

 

Yuuri drew a ragged breath.   The story didn’t tumble out like the earlier statement.  It came in staccato pieces, jerky and short sentences.  Yuuri could feel Victor continue to hold him, grounding him.  He knew that this story hurt Victor as well.  Finally, he drew to a close, curling up in Victor’s arms, shaking. 

 

Victor quietly stated, “I think he’s had enough.”

 

“It helps," Nikolai assured them.  "It will give me an idea of their M.O.   Thank you, Mr. Katsuki.  I know this wasn’t easy for you.”

 

Yuuri sniffed and nodded against Victor.  The tears continued to fall freely.  Victor held him, let him cry, rubbing his back. 

 

Victor finally answered for him.  “Will you please keep us informed of the investigation?”

 

“Of course, Mr. Nikiforov.  You have my card, know that you can call and inquire on the progress.”

 

“Thank you.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to take care of Yuuri.”

 

The call disconnected.

 

Victor just sat there for a few minutes holding Yuuri.

 

He then gathered Yuuri into his arms and carried him back to the bedroom, settling him into the sheets.  He located the fuzzy blanket and wrapped it around Yuuri.  Stretching out behind him, Victor pulled Yuuri into his embrace.  He then called in the troops.  “Makka!  Cocoa!  Come!  Give Yuuri love.” 

 

The dogs climbed up and curled around Yuuri, sensing immediately his distress.  Yuuri wrapped one arm around Cocoa.  His free hand stretched out and buried into Makka’s fur.  They lay like that long after Yuuri’s tears had stopped.  Heavy silence rested over them.  Victor eventually knew his lover slept, his breathing evening out as he quietly snored.  He didn’t allow himself the luxury of rest until that moment.

  
  


* * *

 

 

Several hours later, Yuuri stretched, turning to face Victor.  Brushing a kiss over his lips, he slowly kissed his boyfriend awake.  Victor’s arms tightening was the first sign of it working.  His responsiveness to the kiss was the second.  Yuuri finally pulled back and whispered, “I’m hungry.”

 

Victor chuckled, lovingly hugging the younger man closer.  “And what do you want to eat?” he murmured.

 

“Pizza delivery?”

 

Victor grinned.  “Two days out of competition and you leave your diet behind,” Victor teased.

 

Yuuri stuck out his tongue.  Victor responded with tweaking Yuuri’s nose.  They exited the confines of their room.

 

“Oh, that reminds me.  Yuri Plisetsky will arrive on Friday,” Victor shared.

 

Yuuri resisted making a face.  “I remember Yakov saying he was coming to get his choreography from you.  When does his plane land?”

 

“Two?”

 

Yuuri turned to face him.  “You have an appointment at three.”

 

Victor drew his eyebrows in thoughtfully before he suggested, “Maybe I can reschedule.”

 

Yuuri drew an irritated breath.  “No.  I think rescheduling and canceling appointments with the counselor is the last thing we need.”  He tightened his mouth.  “I guess that means I’m going to get him.”

 

“Are you sure?  He can be very disagreeable after a long flight,” Victor warned.

 

Yuuri raised an amused eyebrow.  “As opposed to other times?”

 

Victor shrugged.  “Well...he has his moments.”

 

“You are going to see Cara and I’m going to get Yuri,” the twenty-three year old stated with certainty.  “That’s all there is to it.”

 

“Okay.  If you’re sure,” Victor responded, doubt still resonating in his voice.

  
  
  


Yuuri found Victor in his room later that evening.  “What are you up to?”

 

“Yuri will be staying here.  I was thinking about what I needed so I’m not in his space.”

 

Yuuri settled on the bed next to him.  “You know...you could just move into my room.  It’s not like you really sleep here anyway.”

 

“What if you need space?” Victor asked.

 

“You...don’t intrude on my space.  I’m comfortable with you near.”

 

“It won’t all fit in your room,” Victor stated as he spread his arms wide.

 

Yuuri chuckled.  “I’m going to go and open up some closet space.  Move what you need.”  Yuuri pushed up off the mattress and started to leave when he felt Victor grab hold of his fingers.  He turned to find himself facing the taller man.

 

“Thank you...for making space for me,” Victor murmured.  As Victor brushed a kiss over his brow, Yuuri couldn’t help think that he meant something more than the closet.


	46. Chapter 46

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your favorite angry chaton arrives in all of his bristly glory!

* * *

 

 

The next morning was rough for both of them.  Yuuri had slept restlessly the night before.  His lack of rest was drawn on his face and heavy lids.  Victor wasn’t much better.  He woke with each of Yuuri’s toss and tried to comfort the moans with each turn. 

 

Victor sat worried on the barstool waiting for his Yuuri to come into the room.  His love seemed to be regressing in his recovery.  He rested his eyes on the calendar and was thankful that Yuuri would see Cara today.  He looked up as he heard Yuuri coming  out of their room. 

 

The man stepped directly before Victor, resting his head on the other man’s shoulder.  Victor gently pulled him into the V formed by his long legs and warmed him in an embrace.  Resting his cheek on top of the brunette’s hair, he waited for Yuuri to start functioning once more.  Yuuri finally looked up, putting his forehead to Victor’s and chewing his lower lip uncertainly. 

 

Victor hated that uncertainty.  Victor was constant.  He would not withdraw from this man.  Sliding his hand up to the back of Yuuri’s neck, he used the other to tilt his chin, barely caressing it with the backs of his fingers as if he was something precious.  His lips found Yuuri’s, keeping his kisses soft.  He felt the tremble as he moved his kiss over the younger man’s lips.  He continued to kiss him, showering him with love in hopes it would strengthen the other man while respecting the boundaries Yuuri kept between them.

 

Yuuri pulled back, dropping his head.  “V-victor,” he stuttered and Victor could hear the unshed tears in his voice.

 

“Bad morning,” Victor stated.  It wasn’t a question.  They both knew it.  Victor acknowledged it, acknowledged the rawness of it, acknowledged the pain.  And in acknowledging it, there was an acceptance.  Yuuri collapsed back into his embrace.  He felt the shaking of Yuuri’s body in that embrace.  He tasted the salt as he tilted back Yuuri’s head and kissed the tracks of tears.  He didn’t shush him.  No, he allowed Yuuri to purge out all of these tears.  He held him, offered him strength, accepted the pain.

 

Yuuri finally drew a ragged breath as he pulled back.  Victor watched him with concern as Yuuri worked to find his words that morning.  “I don’t know what’s come over me.”

 

“Don’t you?  We can acknowledge yesterday.  It was a bad day.  Necessary but bad.  Let’s call this a hangover,” Victor suggested.

 

“A hangover…that sounds very right.  I feel like the emotions from yesterday backlogged and now they’ve hit all at once.”

 

“You will see Cara this afternoon.  I’ll go with you.”

 

“Until then, I need ice, Victor.  Let’s get ready and skate.”

 

Victor nodded.  Ice was Yuuri’s escape and now that Worlds was over, it would be less crowded.  

 

There were no scheduled practices for the rest of the week.

 

* * *

  
  


Victor placed a sheltering arm around Yuuri as they waited for Cara.  They had spent three hours on the ice that morning.  Victor worked out choreography while keeping an eye on Yuuri who ran through compulsory figures. 

 

As they sat in the waiting room,  Yuuri no longer shook in his arms.  He just felt a bit lost.  Victor stayed close, grounding him and offering him refuge.  They would go to the dance studio in the afternoon.  Perhaps the exhaustion would at least force Yuuri into a dreamless sleep that night.

 

Cara came through the door and offered a welcoming smile.  “I’m glad to see you back, Yuuri.  Are you ready to come in and talk?”

 

Yuuri reluctantly left the shelter of Victor’s embrace but as he found his feet he met her eyes and nodded.  Victor watched him disappear into the psychiatrist’s office, worry creasing his brow.  He pulled out his phone to check social media as a distraction when he saw a text from Chris.

 

**_C/ I think I’m a single man once more.  :/_ **

 

**_V/ Oh?  What happened?_ **

 

**_C/ Phichit?  Maybe.  I don’t know.  Ezio is not happy._ **

 

**_V/ So you’re fighting?_ **

 

**_C/ I think a little more than fighting.  He packed all of his stuff.  He’s waiting for a ride._ **

 

**_V/ So what happened?_ **

 

**_C/ With Ezio?_ **

 

**_V/ And Phichit._ **

 

**_C/ It’s a bit complicated._ **

 

**_V/ Of course.  Phichit hasn’t said anything.  I know he was seeing someone before Worlds.  I don’t know how involved._ **

 

**_C/ I don’t know.  We didn’t talk about it.  I..._ **

 

**_C/ We talked a lot, though.  About the two of you mainly.  Then I talked about that night.  Phichit could understand what I was dealing with.  Ezio would just tell me to go to counseling.  I couldn’t talk about it with him._ **

 

**_C/ Ezio doesn’t get jealous about sex.  He has always been jealous about the rest, though.  If I became close to someone, found someone I could talk freely with…well, he’s always had issues with you but I pointed out we’ve been best friends for almost ten years._ **

 

**_V/ So he’s jealous that you talked with Phichit although he won’t talk with you._ **

 

**_C/ Yes…basically._ **

 

**_V/ So what do you want to do?_ **

 

**_C/ At this point, I’m done.  He doesn’t put me first in anything and wants me to put him first._ **

 

**_V/ Sounds a bit self-centered on his part._ **

 

**_C/ He is!  I’m just angry…and I’m never angry._ **

 

**_V/ I hate to say it, but I’ve thought the relationship has been a bit one-sided for some time._ **

 

**_C/ I know you are right._ **

 

**_C/ He’s expecting me to chase after him.  To beg him to come back._ **

 

**_V/ What are you going to do?_ **

 

**_C/ …_ **

 

**_C/ …_ **

 

**_C/  Let him go._ **

 

**_C/ Can I come early?  I mean for the recital?_ **

 

**_V/ It’s not a problem.  But YP is here._ **

 

**_C/ Forgive me for the momentary eye roll.  I’ll see what flights I can get.  Then we’ll figure this out._ **

 

**_V/ No problem.  I’ll let the others know._ **

 

**_C/ Thanks._ **

 

Victor put his phone down in his lap and waited, wondering how Yuuri was doing on the other side of that door.

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri curled up in the chair, leaning the side of his head against the back.  He soon had a cup of tea in his hands.  Cara took her chair and waited.

 

Yuuri focused on the warmth of the cup.  Finally, he spoke, “They found me.  I was watching my friend skate.  I thought I’d be safe in a crowd.  They found me…and threatened me.”

 

Cara studied her patient thoughtfully.  “How did you react?”

 

“I froze while they were beside me.  Then I panicked.  I…ran and hid.  I don’t know why I did that.  Once I had a chance to think back on it, I could tell it was the worst decisions.”

 

“Panic blocks us from processing information clearly.  So how can we interrupt the panic?”

 

“When I locked myself in the closet, I felt safe enough to work through the five senses like you taught me.  But I don’t know what to do in a crowd.”

 

“In the crowd you felt alone as well, correct?”

 

Yuuri met her eyes in surprise then nodded slowly.  “I didn’t feel safe, though.”

 

“Of course not.  Your fight or flight was activated and you chose the safest option from that.  This is a strategy session.  What should you have done?”

 

“My coach was tied up with Phichit and Victor was tied up with the press,” Yuuri analyzed.  “I should have found security.  They could have taken me someplace safe.”

 

Cara nodded.  “We are less likely to panic if we have a plan.  What else could you have done?”

Yuuri shifted, twisting his mouth thoughtfully.  “I could have…gone to Victor’s coach Yakov.  Or our friend Chris.”

 

“So when you find yourself away from home it’s important for you to list your allies, your safe places.  Do you agree?” Cara met his eyes and held them.

 

“Yes.  I think…I rely too much on Victor, Phichit, and coach Celestino,” Yuuri acknowledged.  “I need to widen my resources.  I need to realize that others are willing to help me.” 

 

“Good.  And when you list your allies, include people in authority that could help you…like the security personnel.  And just so you know, it is good that you have those three constants to rely upon.”

 

“I hate…feeling powerless.”

 

“Have you thought about taking a self-defense class?  It can be empowering.”

 

“I-I haven’t?” he responded questioningly.

 

“Hold on,” rising from her chair, she went over and rifled through her desk.  She returned with a flyer.  “This just came in today in fact.  It’s on campus, in fact.”

 

Yuuri looked over the flyer.  The lessons offered included martial arts.  However, the one that interested him was the RAD System class.  [ Rape Aggression Defense ](http://www.rad-systems.com/) .  He met her eyes.  “Would they let me attend?  I don’t want to be turned away.”

 

“Yes.  I went to the link provided and they offer courses for men.  It’s about taking back power.”

 

“Thank you.  I think I’ll see if Victor and Phichit will attend with me.”

 

“Of course.  Now we’ve discussed a variety of strategies.  I’m sending you home with this brochure on  [ EMDR ](http://www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/) as well.  It stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.  I want you to consider it as a possible treatment for your PTSD.  We don’t have long before you move.  I can increase our time together if needed but we’ll have to meet for a number of sessions.  I’ll make sure your referrals will follow up with you as well.”

 

Yuuri accepted the pamphlet from her and offered her a small smile.  “Thank you.  I’m not feeling nearly as hopeless as when I arrived.”

 

“Strategies.  That’s what you needed.  Now, I’ll see you for your next appointment Monday at one.  Although, it looks like we have a couple’s session planned for tomorrow.  So until then, you take care and look over that information.”

 

“I will.”

 

Yuuri bowed slightly before leaving her to rejoin his boyfriend.  As they left the office, Yuuri told him about the strategies, the self-defense course, and the EMDR.  Victor had been reading about the EMDR therapy and it had good results.  Of course, Victor would attend the RAD classes with Yuuri.  He’s sure Phichit would as well.  Victor was committed to helping Yuuri find his allies in new places as well.  Simply acknowledging them will help. 

 

They climbed onto the bus.  Yuuri took the window seat and Victor protectively took the outside.  Victor noted that Yuuri was no longer closed in on himself.  Lacing his fingers into Yuuri’s, Victor saw the younger man turn from the window and glance at their entwined fingers then look up at him.  Victor found warm, brown eyes filled with hope staring back at him.  He could see that Yuuri was no longer defeated.  And that was all that mattered during this moment.

 

* * *

  
  


Yuri Plisetsky.  The Russian punk.  He arrived with all the turmoil and upheaval of fifteen years, demanding and determined.  Yuuri had borrowed Celestino’s car to pick him up at the airport.  As the youth flopped into the passenger seat he demanded, “Where’s Victor?”

 

“He had an appointment.  I told him I’d pick you up, take you home, and get you settled.”

 

The youth grunted and stared out the window.  Yuuri sighed and negotiated his way into traffic.  What did he expect?  That Yuri would appreciate that the Japanese man had reconfigured his entire schedule for the day to pick him up?

 

They pulled into the parking garage and Yuuri led his guest into the connecting stairwell.  “Do you have any concerns like allergies that I need to be aware of?” he inquired.

 

The teen looked confused.  “No?”

 

“Our previous roommate…before Victor…he had a peanut allergy,” Yuuri explained. 

 

Yuri shrugged.  “I don’t know of any allergies.  I’m fine.”  He went through the door Yuuri held open and entered the apartment.

 

“Victor is giving you his room during your stay.  We tried to take out anything he would need so that you can have your privacy.”

 

“Just don’t be gross, will you?” Yuri shifted uncomfortably.

 

“Ummm…I don’t know what you…” Yuuri motioned down the hall as he stumbled through the phrases.  “I mean…Victor and I…”

 

“Listen.  I know you two are together.  The whole world knows.  So give up the nervous act.”  Yuri’s exasperation wasn’t even veiled and was that an eye roll?

 

Yuuri’s jaw tightened.  He opened the door to Victor’s old room.  “Please, make yourself at home,” he responded, although his voice sounded strained.  It was going to be a long two weeks.  Victor owed him for this.

 

The teen dragged his bag in the room, glanced around and shrugged.  “Bathroom?”

 

“Across the hall.”

 

“Food?”

 

“In the kitchen.  We’ll order in for dinner but feel free to make a sandwich or something else.”  

 

Yuuri left the boy alone.  Entering the living room, he met Phichit’s laughing eyes.  “Shut up,” he commanded before Phichit could say a word.  Victor owed him big for this.

 

* * *

 

 

Victor and Yuuri were cuddled up on the sofa watching Phichit as he played on the game system.  As Phichit threatened to throw the controller, Yuuri stated flatly with a raised eyebrow, 

“I told you that you weren’t ready for that dungeon.  Your gear isn’t high enough.”

 

Phichit turned to glare when his expression opened up and he grinned.  “Hi, Yuri.  How was your nap?”

 

The youth grunted.  Victor laughed.  “It takes Yuri some time to wake up.  I think he jetlags as bad as my Yuuri.”

 

Phichit looked from one Yuri to the other before stating, “This is going to get confusing real quick.  So, I’m going to call you Yurio,” he stated, meeting the teen’s eyes.

 

“What?!  Why not him?”

 

“I live here.  I am older.  I pay rent.  Pick one,” Yuuri deadpanned. 

 

The teen scowled before sprawling into the chair playing with his phone.  He looked up as Victor stole a kiss.  “Gross!  There are minors present!”

 

Phichit turned from his game and leveled a stare at Yuri.  “This is their home.  They are allowed to be affectionate in their own home.”

 

“Doesn’t it gross you out?” he complained.

 

Phichit’s eyes widened in mock surprise.  “Why would it gross me out?”

 

Yuri growled.  “Get a room,” he groused.

 

Yuuri leveled a gaze at Yuri, holding it for a moment before turning to Victor purposefully and kissed him long and drawn out.  Yuri dropped his gaze after the initial shock to his phone muttering under his breath.  Victor laughed at the cantankerous youth.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I pretty much decided Yuuri is at the point where he takes no more shit. 
> 
> It's kind of like my end of the second semester attitude with my kids.


	47. Chapter 47

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Choreographies are revealed.

* * *

 

 

Yuri stood next to the barrier glaring at Victor.  “Why is he here?” he demanded, nodding towards Yuuri.

 

“I thought I’d unveil both short programs at once.  I’ve prepared two different choreographies to the same song.”

 

The two Yuris met eyes.  “The same song?”  “Why would you…”

 

Victor held up a hand cutting them both off.  “It’s the same song, but a different arrangement.”  He played the first.  “This is  _ Agape _ …unconditional love.  It is like the love of a parent, the love of god.  It has an ethereal quality to it.  It is selfless.  Pure.”  Victor let the notes finish their dance before switching to the next.  “This is  _ Eros _ …sexual love.  It is passionate, provocative.  The love between lovers.  It is heat.”

 

The two skaters watched as Victor demonstrated both pieces.  

Once he finished, he came before the two of them.  “What do you think?”

 

Yuri didn’t hesitate.  “I want  _ Eros _ !” he demanded.

 

Yuuri smiled secretly.  He already knew Victor intended  _ Agape _ for the youth.   _ Eros _ , though…this was new.  He wondered why Victor would pick this for him.  He was anything but  _ Eros _ .  How can a virgin personify sexual love?

 

“Let me see,” Victor tapped his index finger on his lips making a show of deciding before he smiled.  “I know.  Yurio, you will skate to  _ Agape _ !  My Yuuri, I want you to perform to  _ Eros _ .”

 

“What?!  That’s not me at all!” the youth protested angrily.

 

“If you wish to surprise your audience, Yurio, you need to step outside of yourself.”  Victor then turned to look at Yuuri, to gage his reaction.

 

Yuuri tilted his head to the side curiously.  “Why did you select this piece for me?”

 

“Because,  _ lyubov moya _ , it is a side of you that you rarely acknowledge.  I want to see it come alive in you.  Am I being selfish?  Perhaps.”  Victor’s finger stroked down the line of his chin, his thumb brushing over the younger man’s lips.

 

“Get a room!” retorted the teen.  Victor laughed in response as Yuuri dropped his forehead to the older man’s shoulder then snuggling up to the turn of his neck. 

 

“Okay, Yurio,” Victor began.  “I’m going to start with working with you.  My Yuuri has a recital to work on.  Yuuri, we can work on this tonight after dinner if you are not exhausted.”

 

Yuuri nodded, tracing his finger shyly along the barrier.  “Don’t forget to come to the studio this afternoon.  I’m expecting you at three.”  Yuuri then called Cocoa to his side and reattached the lead.

 

Victor watched them leave before turning back to the youth.  “Are you ready?”

 

“Is it hard?” he asked quietly.

 

Victor tilted his head uncertainly, “Is what hard, Yurio?”

 

“To watch him leave like that.”  Victor followed Yuri’s gaze back to the entrance before turning back to the youth.  Yuri murmured, “I heard about Worlds.”

 

Victor sighed and shrugged.  “Honestly, I want to put him someplace safe and keep him there but locking him in a tower would take away his happiness.  He needs his independence.”

 

“So what do you do?”

 

“We go to counseling.  We each have individual sessions and then a couple’s session.  I was at my counseling session when you arrived yesterday.” Victor drew a ragged breath and continued, “And I watch him.  I watch for signs that he needs more from me and signs to back off.  We communicate much better, now.”

 

“I don’t know how to act around him,” the teen confessed.

 

Victor smiled gently.  “You act the same.  Be yourself.  That’s all he wants.  You will know if he needs more.”

 

Shrugging, he murmured, “I doubt he’d need anything from me.”  Drawing a deep breath, he met Victor with fierce eyes, declaring emphatically, “But I won’t let anyone hurt him while I’m around.”

 

Victor reached out to ruffle the blonde’s hair.  “He would want you to be safe first of all, Yuri,” 

Victor stated softly.  “I know you are dauntless, that you think you are indestructible.  These men…they do not use physical strength.  They use an aerosol spray that renders their victim defenseless.  He would rather you get away first and foremost.  He would never want you to put yourself in harm’s way.”

 

“I wouldn’t be able to stand by and let a friend be hurt,” Yuri stated, his hands forming a fist.

 

Victor pulled the teen into a reluctant embrace, resting his cheek on the top of his head.  The teen ceased resisting and allowed it.  “Hopefully your courage won’t be tested in this way.  Hopefully both you and Yuuri will stay safe.”

 

Yuri broke away and turned back towards the ice.  “Why  _ Agape _ ?  It seems more like Yuuri,” the teen asked, returning their thoughts towards the skating program.

 

“You don’t think you understand unconditional love,” Victor stated, smiling because the boy just showed it with his words.  “However, I know you have it within you.  It is evident in the fierce way you defend your friends.  It is visible when you see your grandpa.”

 

“You gave Yuuri  _ Eros _ .  After all that he’s been through, isn’t that mocking him?”

 

“Not at all.  I have seen that part of Yuuri but he keeps it hidden from most.  The banquet.  Our date…”

 

Yuri held up his hands to stop him.  “I don’t want to get into your personal lives,” he protested.

 

Victor chuckled softly.  “I guess what I’m saying is this.  Often when people are sexually assaulted, a part of them shuts down for the most part.  It isn’t uncommon for therapists to suggest something like pole dancing or belly dancing classes to reawaken that part of them.  Yuuri, though, speaks his words best on the ice.  Therefore, I presented him a program to reawaken his charms.”

 

“So this is about him?”

 

“Yes.  Now, let’s see if we can get the choreography in place for  _ Agape _ .  Come on, Yurio.  Warm up!”

 

* * *

  
  
  


Yuuri stretched out in the studio.  The first and second year students had just left him and he prepared to work through his solos.  Julia tilted her head thoughtfully.  “You know, if you’d quit changing the order of your choreography, you might actually get this ready in time.”

 

Yuuri looked up at her with a wry expression.  “I know.  My perfectionism is creating the very definition of this performance.”

 

“It’s ambitious...I see how it shows your struggle with anxiety,” she simply states.

 

“What is it they say here? ‘Go big or go home’?”

 

Julia laughed sharply.  “Yuuri!”

 

He grinned.  “My adviser told me to make the performance around an hour.”

 

“You barely added in any relief and it is at the beginning.  I know your stamina is legendary, but this…”

 

Yuuri made a face.  “Not all of it is intense.  And I can do  _ Stammi Vicino _ in my sleep as well as  _ Unravel _ .”

 

“I’m glad she let you include those for that reason.”

 

“Well, I have you helping me perform the duet with  _ Broken Wings _ .  And Victor is involved in the last two numbers.  It will be fine.  We can schedule a full rehearsal at the end of the week.”

 

“Friday?”

 

“No.  We have counseling.  I want to keep things flexible that day.  Either Thursday or Saturday.”

 

“I’ll get with the corps and figure out which will work best.”

 

“Thank you for helping me with the stage management, Julia.  I don’t know that I could do this without you.”

 

“You have a number of friends helping you out.  You aren’t alone, Yuuri.”

 

“I-I know.  I’m coming to terms with that.”

 

“It took you long enough,” she responded, playfully punching him in the arm. 

 

He offered her a beautiful smile.  “Shall we take it from the top and work through the solo pieces?  If I can’t do that, I won’t be able to perform the entire show.”

 

Julie faced him with her hands on her hips.  “I want to see how you handle the lifts after you’ve gone through all of those pieces.  We’ll practice once more when you’ve danced your solos.”

  
  


* * *

 

 

Victor found Yuuri stretched out on the studio floor.  “Phichit said you didn’t come home for lunch.  So I took the liberty of bringing it to you.” 

 

Yuuri turned his head to Victor.  “I went through the solo pieces three times.”

 

“All of them?” Victor stated with a raised eyebrow.

 

Yuuri nodded.  “We’re going to do a complete run through on either Thursday or Saturday.  Julia has doubts about my stamina.”

 

“I don’t doubt your stamina.  I just know this is very emotional for you, Yuuri  _ lyubov moya _ ,” Victor responded.  “However, a complete rehearsal would be smart.  We should probably dress rehearse next week including costume changes.”

 

“Agreed.  How’d it go with Yuri?” he asked, turning on his side and rising up on an elbow.

 

Victor grinned.  “He has the mechanics but not the artistic interpretation.  Such a determined boy.  His ambition is hampering his performance.”

 

“Well, you didn’t make it easy on him,” Yuuri pointed out.

 

Victor shrugged, spreading his hands widely.  “What would be the point if he can’t grow as a skater?”

 

“And that brings us back to  _ Eros _ …why?” Yuuri raised an amused eyebrow towards the other skater.

 

“Three words,” Victor stated, counting them off with his fingers as he explained, “Six inch heels.”

 

Yuuri narrowed his eyes, amusement still dancing in them.  “It all comes back to your shoe fetish?”

 

“Not exactly.  It comes to the sexuality I know you can exude.  I felt it at the banquet when you danced around a pole and then danced the flamenco and tango with me.  I see it in the seductive way you dress ritualistically…knowing I am watching you.  And each time you purposefully choose a pair of shoes knowing it would short circuit my brain when you sent those videos.”

 

Yuuri smiled on that last one.  It had been a strategic move on his part.  “I can’t speak much for the banquet.  My memories of that evening are fuzzy after I believe the tenth glass of champagne,” he confessed.

 

“You were completely cognizant through the rest of that list,” Victor pointed out.

 

Yuuri nodded, shifting his eyes slyly towards Victor.  “Perhaps,” he murmured.  He rolled over and pushed himself into a seated position.  “What did you bring me?”

 

“Rice, egg rolls, green beans, and sesame chicken,” Victor listed as he pulled out the Chinese containers and laid out their picnic.   “I figured you burned quite a few calories this morning.  Three times?  Really?”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “I can’t flag for the performance.  At least the pace is nothing like figure skating.”

 

“True…but you put the programs involving pairs at the end of your show.  That’s equivalent to stacking the jumps in the second half of a free skate.”

 

“Which you know I can do.  And you have the lifts for the final two.  I only have to lift with Julia,” Yuuri pointed out as he filled his plate.  He started eating hungrily.  “Mmmm, thank you for this.”

 

“Of course,” Victor responded, running his fingers through Yuuri’s crop of hair.  “I love taking care of you…when you let me.”

 

Blush creeped up his cheeks but he remained quiet.  His chopsticks stilled until Victor ordered softly, “Now eat,  _ zolotse _ .”

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri lay curled up in the bed he shared with Victor, his laptop screen open to his research on the proposed treatment plan.  Victor stretched out behind him and read over his shoulder.  “I think…we’ve already completed phases one and two.  She knows about the trauma incidents.  That’s history.   She’s also given me strategies for coping.  Do you think it can be over in five hours of treatment?”

 

Victor pursed his lips thoughtfully.  “I’m not sure if that’s the best case scenario or not.  But based on what I read, this could be a good treatment for you.  It will allow you to move forward.”

 

“And you?”

 

Victor sighed.  “I don’t know if I’ll ever get over my protectiveness,  _ malish _ , but it may help with the nightmares.  I would love to be rid of the nightmares.”

 

“So we’re going to do this.”                        

 

“I think we should try.”

 

Yuuri nods.  “I think so, too.”  He turned his face towards Victor to catch his lips in a kiss.  “Maybe then we can move forward,” he murmured against the older man’s chin.

 

Victor brushed a kiss  across Victor’s forehead.  “I’m here however long it takes, my beautiful Yuuri.”

  
  
  



	48. Chapter 48

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of suicide.
> 
> This is a hard chapter because...things spiral out of control that quickly.

* * *

 

 

TRIGGER WARNING:  Mentions of suicide.

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri sat with Cara in her office, agreeing to move forward in the treatment process.  “Now, Yuuri, I’ll be seeing you more often during this process.  I understand that your graduation is approaching and you are planning to move back to Japan.  However, I want to make sure that we’ve laid proper groundwork.  So we are not going to bypass Phase 1 and 2 just because we’ve been meeting over the past month.”

 

“Oh, okay,” Yuuri nodded, adjusting his mindset.  “How often do you want to meet?”

 

“I’d like to meet with you two to three times a week.  Can you accommodate a Monday-Wednesday-Friday schedule?”  With Yuuri’s nod, she pulled out her appointment calendar.  “I can fit you in just before Victor on Friday.  The sessions may run as long as ninety minutes, though.  I just want you to be aware.”

 

“If that’s what it takes.  Will I still struggle with my symptoms in the meantime?” Yuuri asked, his voice holding an edge of concern.

 

“Honestly, you may struggle for a while but they will lessen over time,” she explained.  “It’s like…rerouting your mind.  We are going to work to bypass the mental wound formed by the rape.  That will allow the wound to heal because we aren’t constantly picking at it.”

 

“So what are we working on today?” he asked, tapping his foot.

 

“I want to establish the negative thoughts we want to target.  Because we live in a culture where the blame is partially shifted to the victim, we often have negative thoughts we don’t realize buried in our thoughts.  What are your thoughts on this?”

 

“I know I drank a lot that night.  I’ve received several comments suggesting that I could have at least prevented it if I hadn’t drank.  I also…I’ve been told I deserved it for my poor decisions.  And then…the skater that tried to attack me after I came back…he told me men couldn’t be raped.  He kept saying I liked it rough.  I know these things aren’t true…but when my anxiety kicks in, sometimes these comments unravel like an earworm and fray at my edges.”

 

“Some people say things like this out of fear.  They are convincing themselves if they do everything right they’ll be safe.”

 

Yuuri nodded, hugging a pillow he had retrieved from the floor beside him. 

 

“I need to know that I have a complete history of the events.  You’ve told me about the banquet night.  You’ve also shared with me what happened with the skater at your home rink.  Since then, we have the events at the Worlds.  Is there anything else we need to delve into?”

 

Yuuri tightened around the pillow, shifting uncomfortably.  “I had a roommate when I first moved here.  His name was Kyle.  He was a senior and I was just a freshman.  He pushed me into a relationship…and tried to push me into sex.  When I refused, he became abusive.  My coach helped me to get an apartment after that.  I had to get a restraining order against him.  I haven’t even told everybody about that part.  Does that count?”

 

“Coercion and sexual harassment definitely counts,” she stated.  “He used his position to try to gain an advantage on you.”

 

Yuuri shifted, drawing himself inward, his eyebrows furrowing.  “Does this mean I invite such things to happen?”

 

“No,” Cara was quick to assure him.  “You do not bring any of this on yourself.  I want to make this clear.”

 

Yuuri nodded, not quite accepting her words but allowing them to plant a seed in his thoughts.

 

“Now let’s look at future events.  Are you involved in an open investigation?”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “Interpol is looking heavily into this case because it involves a number of skaters on an international scale.”

 

“It is possible they will call on you to testify.  Is this something you are worried about?”

 

Yuuri considered her words.  “I know I struggled with the phone interview.  In a courtroom, I could be openly attacked by the opposing attorney.”

 

Cara nodded, looking over a list she had created.  Looking up to meet his eyes, she continued, 

“When we set up our targeting plan, we rank our greatest concerns to our least.  I am seeing the following targets.  First of all, the rape at Sochi.  Secondly, them confronting you at the World Championships.  Thirdly, the events involving Craig.  Fourth, the future, the court case.  And fifth, I believe we should address Kyle.  Would you change the order as I’ve listed them or is there anything else you feel we should add?”

 

Yuuri considered her words before shaking his head slowly. 

 

“Okay.  Then let’s move forward,” she responded, offering him a warm smile.  Flipping the page on her notepad, she continued, “I want to give you plenty of tools at your disposal.  We’ve talked about the five senses technique.  Can you walk me through that approach?”

 

Yuuri nodded, focusing inwardly as he answered, “Ask myself these five things:  What do I see?  What do I hear?  What do I smell?  What do I feel?  And what do I taste?  List several items in my environment in the process of grounding myself and removing my panic.”

 

“Good,” she praised.  “Now you can also use guided visualization to take the edge off of anxiety.  There are several available to download that walk you through the process.  You can listen to them through your headphones.  Some of my clients use meditative techniques such as yoga to help them find their center.”

 

“I dance or skate.  Walking the dogs help, too.”

 

“Yes, those are good ways to relieve the stress,” she responded.  “However, I want you to practice controlled breathing.  You have shared that your friends walk you through that technique.  Meditation helps you to control your breathing.  Once you master this technique, you could control your own breathing.”

 

“Okay.  I will.”

 

“Now, we’ve listed several strategies and we know the approach we are going to take.  During your next visit, we will delve into the third phase.  I want you to practice these techniques in the meantime.  If it is already habit, then it’s easier to access when you need it.”

 

“Yes, ma’am,” he responded with a nod.  She handed him a paper and he saw she had taken notes for him as they went through the process. 

 

“We will first discuss your strategies before we start phase three.   So, Wednesday.  It’s a lot to put two sessions in one day.  Do you mind if I call your partner in to discuss possibly postponing couple’s therapy until we get you established solidly into your therapies?”

 

Yuuri nodded in agreement.  Cara unfolded her legs from the chair.  Her fluid movements carried her across the room where she opened the door and beckoned Victor into the room.

 

“Yes?  Is everything okay?”  His brow furrowed with worry because he was never called into the room.

 

“Yes, Victor,” Cara reassured him.  “We were discussing, with the demand of the schedule I’m proposing with the EMDR, that we might forgo the couple’s therapy until Yuuri is through it.  Of course, if you both need to speak with me, you can give me a heads up during your regular appointments.  I always have space between appointments so that we can run over a bit.  I just don’t want to overwhelm you or Yuuri with multiple sessions.”

 

“I see.  Of course.  Whatever we need to do to insure success.”  Victor studied Yuuri with concern.

 

“Good.  Yuuri, you will return to me on Wednesday for your next session.” 

 

* * *

 

 

Victor furrowed his brow as he watched the younger Russian work through the choreography once more.  “Yuri!  You are not capturing the emotion!”

 

Yuri growled in frustration at the ridiculous silver haired man.  “I told you I’m not  _ Agape _ !”

 

“Ah.  But you can capture it.  Personify it.  Perhaps…you need a change of location.  Change to your street shoes.  Let’s take a walk.”

 

Soon, they left the rink and began walking across campus.  Yuri noticed several of the students waved at Victor and Victor returning their wave with a smile.  They drew up before the Fine Arts Hall.  “Have you considered dancing the choreography?  That way you can focus on the emotions of the piece rather than the technicalities.”  Victor opened the door and motioned him inside.

 

He stumbled across Julia wearing a worried expression.  “Hello, Julia.  This is Yurio.  He’s staying with us.”

 

She nodded, her mouth drawn.  “Have you talked to _him_ today?”

 

“My Yuuri?  No.  I left before he woke up.”

 

“Something has him stirred up.  He’s in studio B.  Go look through the window.”

 

Yuri stumbled after Victor as the older man picked up his pace and led the way into the viewing room.  The boy caught his breath when he saw the frenetic dancing of the brunette.  “What’s wrong?”

 

“I’m not sure.  I’ve seen him like this before…when the anger overwhelms him.  I don’t know what has set him off.”

 

“I thought you both were in therapy.”

 

Victor nodded, worry etched across his expression.  “We’ve started a new therapy.  I don’t know if it’s pulled things to the surface or if something else occurred.”

 

Yuri drew his brow in as he watched the man on the other side of the glass breaking down.  “What are you going to do?”

 

“Watch over him.  Make sure he doesn’t hurt himself as he works through it.”

 

Yuri opened his mouth in surprise then turned back to the glass.  He felt his fists tightening.  No, this wasn’t right in his young mind.  He turned on his heel and left the room. 

 

* * *

 

 

Victor looked up but didn’t think anything of it until he watched the door open to the studio.  His eyes went wide.

 

“Katsudon!  Is this all you’ve got?” the youth challenged him.

 

Victor went to the glass, panic in his movements.   _What was he doing?_

 

Yuuri focused his eyes on the blonde.  Reaching towards the sound system, he switched the playlist.  “Show me what you’ve got,” he returned.

 

The dancing between them was brutal, entering into one another’s space aggressively.  Yuri pushed the older dancer and kept pushing.  He was relentless. 

 

Victor waited on bated breath and barely glanced up when he heard someone enter.  Julia came to his elbow.  “What’s he doing?” she whispered as if they could hear through the soundproofing.

 

“I…think he challenged him.”

 

“Hell!  I don’t even want to be in the studio with him when he’s like that.  Kid’s either brave as fuck or dumb as fuck.”

 

Victor nodded numbly.

 

Yuri kept pushing the brunette pulling out his anger, posturing and challenging him move after move, until…he broke.  Yuuri dropped to his knees.  He drew in a choked sob.  The youth looked up towards the window as if saying “my work is done here.”

 

Victor shoved open the door and soon found himself in the studio kneeling before his boyfriend.  “Yuuri,” he murmured soothingly.  “My beautiful, beautiful Yuuri.”  He pulled the other man into his embrace.

 

The man sobbed, hiccupped and sputtered trying to regain control but he couldn’t seem to stop the shaking in his body.  Victor let him cling to him, smoothing his hair.  The blonde Yuri returned from the locker room carrying a jacket that he draped over his Yuuri’s shoulder.  Victor glanced up with a “thank you” before returning his attention to the other man.

 

Yuuri finally started to draw in his breaths deeply, evening them out as he fought for control.  Finally, he lifted his eyes and Victor knew something was wrong.   “I-it was on the news.  The French skater that was attacked.  H-he committed suicide.  I-I didn’t know what to do.  I felt like my soul was imploding.  I knew I needed to get out of the apartment.  Everyone was in class.  S-so I came h-here.  I tried to go through my solos.  All I felt was more anger.  They stole that boy’s life, V-victor.  H-he was only nineteen.  That’s Phichit’s age.  Something’s got to be done.  They h-have to be stopped.”

 

“Let’s call Nikolai,” Victor suggested. 

 

Yuuri nodded, taking Victor’s hand.  It was then that his eyes rested on the blonde.  “I-I’m sorry.”

 

“I don’t know why you’re apologizing.  I’m the one that pushed you.”

 

“Th-that’s okay.  I think I-I needed the push.  Thank you.”  Yuuri reached out and squeezed the teen’s hand.  “Please be careful.  I would hate it if anything happened to you.”

 

 

The teen’s lips parted in surprise.  He glanced up at Victor uncertainly.  Victor took control of the situation.  “Let’s go home now.  Let’s get you changed.”

 

Yuri watched them walk towards the dressing room when the brunette turned with panicked eyes.  “You can’t stay here alone!” he demanded.  Yuri did the only thing he could think of and followed them. 

 

* * *

 

 

The three of them finally left the studio.  Yuri kept glancing uncomfortably at the man that held his hand protectively.  Victor had an arm around Yuuri’s waist as he guided the other man home.  Cocoa kept tugging at Yuri’s other hand checking on her partner.  It was all-together an uncomfortable journey home. 

 

When they finally stumbled through the door, Phichit looked up in surprise.  Yuuri ran over and held onto his friend, petting him, sobbing.  Phichit looked at the rest of them in confusion.  Yuri sent the Thai the link to the article.  “Of course I’m alright,” Phichit assured the other man who kept making disjointed statements of concern. 

 

Victor pulled his phone out and made a call to Nikolai only to learn that the other man wasn’t in his office.  He’d get a call when he returned.  Victor sighed; he was at a loss.  Phichit looked over at the two Russians in askance.  Finally, Yuri moved into the other Yuuri’s reach.  The older man latched onto his hand and Phichit extricated himself.  He disappeared into his room and Victor exchanged a confused glance with Yuri.

 

Phichit emerged with a medicine bottle.  “Get a glass of water,” he ordered firmly to Victor.

 

Victor’s eyes widened, on the defensive for Yuuri.  “What are you giving him?”

 

“His anxiety meds,” Phichit explained.

 

“He doesn’t like taking them,” Victor argued.

 

Phichit looked from Yuuri to the bottle to Victor considering the best course of action.  Finally, he suggested, “If it will make you feel better, call his psychiatrist.”

 

Victor hesitated then pulled out the phone.  He had Cara’s cell number and made a point not to abuse it.  He waited impatiently for the call to go through. “Hello, Cara?  This is Victor Nikiforov…Yuuri is having a bad episode…His roommate Phichit has his prescription but we wanted to check with you before giving him the dosage…Here he is.”  Victor handed the phone to Phichit.

 

Phichit took the phone and stated the situation and the response from Yuuri.  After discussing the prescription he had on hand and relaying the specific details, he handed the phone back to Victor where she conveyed the dosage instructions she gave Phichit along with the instructions that she wanted him in her office when it opened at eight the next morning.

 

Yuuri took the meds that were placed in his hand and swallowed the water.  He then laid down on the floor, staring straight ahead.  Phichit carded his fingers through Yuuri’s hair.  Yuri was still caged in the older man’s embrace, Yuuri’s arm wrapped around the blonde’s waist.  Yuri finally gave into and relaxed against the other man’s torso while scrolling through his phone. 

 

Victor settled behind him after placing the cup in a safe place and rubbed his back in a circular motion.  When he began to sing [ Fly, Little Feather](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IlaqjRxHueU) , the younger Russian looked up in surprise.  At first he listened before quietly joining in during the next lyric, his deeper voice blending in beautifully with Victor’s tenor. 

 

Yuuri slipped off to sleep as they continued through the lyrics.  An unspoken rule fell into place at that moment that one of the three of them would stay by his side so that he wouldn’t wake up alone.  Victor took the dogs out while Phichit cooked dinner.  Yuri stayed next to the Japanese man.  Victor returned settling the dogs and gave Yuri a break.  Then they took turns making a plate, filling one to heat up for Yuuri later should he wake up hungry.

 

* * *

 

 

When Yuuri did wake up later, he felt foggy and muddled.  Victor helped him to sit up while Phichit brought him a plate.  Victor ended up helping him to eat and drink but he did get some food into him.  When Yuuri turned into his body, Victor finally decided it was time to move him to his bed. 

 

“I feel clammy,” Yuuri complained as Victor helped him undress.  “I need to shower.”

 

Victor shook his head.  “You’re in no shape to shower.”

 

Yuuri pleaded, scratching at his hands. “You can stay with me.  Please.  My skin feels crawly.  I need to…get them off me.”

 

Victor knew this was a PTSD response.  He wasn’t completely down from his meds.  Victor sighed.  He had only entered the shower with Yuuri when he had a panic attack.  It’s not like he hadn’t seen the other man completely naked, though.  Finally he nodded.  “Okay.  I will help you if you let me bring Phichit in as well.”

 

Yuuri nodded even as he started to scratch at his arms.  Victor called to Phichit who came immediately.  After explaining the situation, they made a plan that Victor would accompany Yuuri wearing his boxers and Phichit would remain in the bathroom in case he was needed. 

 

Soon they maneuvered Yuuri into the shower.  Yuuri stood before Victor, leaning his head on Victor’s shoulder.  “Get them off me, Victor,” he begged. Victor began to work the cloth on his skin trying to sooth the other man.  He added soap.  “I don’t want to feel them.  I’m dirty.” 

 

Victor met Phichit’s eyes with alarm but started soothing him, telling him he was clean, they were nowhere near him, he was safe.  Yuuri finally started to relax under Victor's cadence as Victor rinsed off the soap.  As he opened the shower door, Phichit was waiting with a towel ready to receive Yuuri.  They carried him into the other room where Phichit wrapped him in a fuzzy blanket.  

 

Victor called the dogs into the room.  He looked up as the dogs entered to see a very worried blonde watching them from the door.  “I’ve got this, Phichit.  Go see to Yuri, please.”

 

Phichit nodded and went to the youth, guiding him from the sight of Yuuri curled up in bed. 

Victor wrapped his body around Yuuri protectively, singing  _ Fly Little Feather  _ softly until his boyfriend slept.  He reached over and set the alarm so they would make the morning appointment with Cara.  They would take a cab this time.      

 

* * *

 

 

In the other room, Yuri listened to Phichit explain that Yuuri’s anxiety combined with the PTSD sometimes work against each other. 

 

“I pushed him…did I make it worse?” panic edged the youth’s voice.

 

Phichit shook his head, his voice soothing as he assured him gently.  “No…he was already on this spiral.  He would have bottomed out regardless.  You brought him down sooner which allowed us to take care of him.”

 

Yuri shifted uncomfortably, looking anywhere but at Phichit.  “Does this happen a lot?”

 

“In the beginning, after the rape, it happened a lot.  That’s why I never left him alone at the house,” Phichit explained, his calming tone starting to wash over the boy.  “Then Victor came.  It got better.  Yuuri started coming out of his head more and more.  Victor became his safe place.  He had fewer and fewer episodes.  However, from time to time something will still trigger it.”

 

“Then what?”

 

“We ride it out like we did today.  Yuuri has people that watch over him at the rink, at the studio, and here.  We all keep an eye on him.  Even before the rape, he struggled with anxiety and we all made it our mission to support him.”  Phichit placed a hand on the youth’s shoulder and Yuri met his eyes.  “He’ll need that no matter where he goes.”

 

“Victor is planning to go back to Russia in August,” Yuri whispered.

 

Phichit tilted his head to the side, holding the Russian Yuri’s eyes.  “And you now know what life with Yuuri is like.  Will you be his family in Russia?  Will you be part of his support?”

 

Yuri nodded slowly.  “I think I already committed to that.  I’m just now starting to understand what it means.”

 

“It’s a lot for a fifteen-year-old,” Phichit admitted.  “But you are made of stern material.  I think you are a good friend for our Yuuri to have.”

 

The blond nodded, blushing slightly. 

 

“Now, get some rest.  I know this day was emotionally draining.” 

 

Phichit watched the youth disappear down the hallway and then leaned against the wall.  He reached over and read through his messages.  Julia was worried.  He followed up with an update.  He called their coach and updated him about the day’s events.  Finally, he moved to his bedroom.  A FaceTime call from Chris greeted him and he welcomed the smile from the older skater.  “Your timing is perfect,” he answered then went through the day’s events.

  
  


* * *

 

 

Victor answered his cellphone at three a.m.  Slipping into the living room, he greeted, “Nikolai!  I’m glad you called.  Yuuri did not react well to the French skater’s suicide.  I was hoping you had some news.”

 

“We’ve got their faces out on all of the international agencies right now.  It’s a waiting game.  I suspect they are lying low as they’ve realized they screwed up approaching Yuuri like that.”

 

“So no new incidents.  That’s at least something.”

 

“Yes, but regional events pick up in August.  I can only do so much.  An international press release would do some good…especially close to August.”

 

“We talked about it but weren’t sure if it would hurt your investigation.  Yuuri and I plan to move to St. Petersburg at the first of August.  Perhaps we can coordinate at that time?”

 

“I’m adding that to my notes.  Will my uncle know how to reach you?”

 

“Always,” Victor affirmed.  “He’d hunt me down if I dropped off his radar.”

 

Nickolai chuckled.  “That sounds about right.  Good.  I’ll let you know if anything breaks in the case.  Otherwise, plan on August.”

 

“Thank you.  I will.”  Victor disconnected the call, lost in thought.  

 

Wondering back down the hall, he crawled across the bed and pulled his boyfriend back into his arms protectively, brushing  kiss against his forehead.  "My Yuuri," he whispered.  "If I could bear all of your pain, I would,  _zvezda moya._ "


	49. Chapter 49

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh, poor zombie Yuuri is back! And Yurio is getting far too much love! Can you have too much love?

* * *

 

 

“Yuuri, come in,” Cara invited him, cup of coffee in hand.  “You as well, Victor.  Let’s talk about what happened yesterday.”  They settled onto the sofa together, Victor wrapping his arms protectively around his lover, fingers carding through his hair.  Cara turned back towards them with a small smile.  “Do you prefer coffee in the morning or tea?”

 

“Coffee please,” Victor answered before resting his cheek against Yuuri’s head. 

 

Cara waited for a moment for Yuuri’s response before she prompted him.  “Yuuri, are you with me?”

 

He looked up at her dully.  She dropped down before him checking his responses.  “Talk to me, Yuuri.  I want to hear your words.”

 

He drew his brows together, struggling to put together a response. 

 

Cara changed tactics.  “Answer yes or no,” she guided him, demonstrating each action.  “Tea?”

Yuuri blinked a couple of times before he slowly nodded.

 

She smiled warmly.  “Thank you, Yuuri.”  She turned to prepare their beverages.  Settling them both on the table, she asked Victor, “Did you bring the meds he has on hand?”

 

Victor handed over the bag.  “I didn’t know he had these.  Phichit kept them in his room because, apparently, Yuuri will throw them out.  He said that they’ve only had to give him meds a couple of times in the last year.”

 

She studied the prescriptions furrowing her brows.  “I know Yuuri doesn’t care for the use of meds.  And apparently Xanax does not like him.  He’s not talking much.  You gave him one tablet?”

 

Victor nodded.  “I kept watch over him all night, Cara.  I’ve dealt with his crashes over the past few months but this…it was different.”

 

“Can you text me the article that triggered the episode?”

 

Victor nodded and pulled his phone out.  It was tricky as he had the use of only one hand but he managed to get the article to the psychiatrist.  “He doesn’t like taking meds.  He told me it affects his performance.  I didn’t expect this response.”

 

“I’m going to pull these meds and switch him out.  He’s only using it as an emergency response to his panic attacks.  What you described to me, though, sounds more like intrusive symptoms.  It’s like flashbacks.  You said he was clingy?”

 

“Yes.  He became very protective of Phichit and Yurio.  They are 15 and 19.”

 

“So you think it is related to their ages.”

 

“Definitely hypervigilance.”  She studied her patient thoughtfully.  “Yuuri, do you think you can drink some tea now?”

 

The younger man shifted like he was in slow motion.  He reached for the cup of tea.  Settling back next to Victor, he slowly sipped the liquid. 

 

Cara smiled encouragingly.  “Good work,” she praised.  “Now, do you think you can give me a few words?”

 

He tightened his jaw but he didn’t shake his head.

 

“Tell me your name.”

 

He blinked a few times before opening his mouth.  His words were soft, barely a whisper.  

 

However, he did answer, “Katsuki Yuuri.”

 

Cara smiled and nodded.  “Very good.  Does it take a while to understand me?”

 

Yuuri blinked slowly before shaking his head.

 

“Is it a struggle to form your answers?”

 

Yuuri stared at her a moment then opened his mouth to say, “Y-yes.”

 

Cara grinned.  “You are improving.  I don’t want you to take Xanax anymore.  I’m taking your prescriptions.   Okay?”

 

Yuuri looked from Victor to Cara before nodding slowly.

 

It took over an hour of questioning before Yuuri felt alert again, although he still complained of being in a fog.   Cara discussed other alternative medications with him and, at Yuuri’s request,  the doctor included Victor in the conversation. 

 

The decision was finally made that should he hit a dangerous low once more while he was in her care, they would meet at the hospital where Cara had attending privileges.  “You are sensitive to medications, therefore I want you thoroughly supervised if you are going to be sedated.  If you ever decide to go on a drug therapy for your anxiety, I suggest that you go into an in-patient facility to sort out your levels.”

 

“Thank you, Cara, for being there last night and coming in early today,” Victor stated.

 

“Of course.  I care a great deal  for my patients.  I think given the circumstances, we’ll take the next step for EMDR on Friday, Yuuri.  I need you to stabilize.  No news for the next few days.  That’s an order.”

 

Yuuri nodded and held up the phone.  “Lock me out?”

 

“Perhaps from things that trigger you.  Okay, I’m going to let you go now.  You know how to reach me if something else happens.”

 

* * *

  
  


Victor walked hand in hand with Yuuri down the sidewalk towards their apartment.  The effects of the drug seemed to be wearing off and Yuuri looked around himself more alert.  Yuuri stopped just short of entering the building.  “Did I upset you?”

 

Victor turned to look at his lover.  Reaching out with his free hand, he brushed his hair back.  “I was worried.  It’s the worst I’ve seen you in awhile and you weren’t responding to me like normal.”

 

The brunette dropped his chin down.  “Poor Yuri.  It had to have terrified him.”

 

“Phichit talked with him.  He’ll be fine.  Yuri is very…resilient.   He grew up in a rougher neighborhood before Yakov found him.  So…he’s probably seen things we can’t imagine.”

 

“Oh.  I hope I didn’t make bad things come up.”

 

“No.  He’s worried like the rest of us,” he stated gently.  Then, firming his voice up, he stated, “Now, I want you to hand your phone over to Phichit when we get inside.  He’s going to lock you out of everything except phone calls and music.  Am I clear?”

 

Yuuri nodded, not daring to argue.  “If you don’t know how to do that, you probably should find out.  It’s necessary during competition.”

 

“I’ll have him show me,” Victor conceded.

 

* * *

  
  


Phichit handed the phone back to Yuuri and echoed the Japanese man’s words.  “I’ll sit you down later, Victor, and show you the steps I take to lock him out of his phone.  He can’t do it because he’ll be able to unlock it when his anxiety kicks up.”

 

Victor nodded, studying his boyfriend.  “It’s amazing that such a seemingly small thing could have caused so much damage.”

 

Yuuri laughed bitterly.  “Welcome to the Land of Anxiety…where every little thing grows exponentially in your mind until you are drowning in your own thoughts.”

 

Victor pulled Yuuri in, brushing his lips over his forehead before embracing him. 

 

Yuri watched the exchange before shifting restlessly.  “So what do we do now?”

 

Yuuri turned and self-consciously pushed his hand up through his hair.  “Well, I was actually planning to attend a class this evening on campus.  It’s called Rape Aggression Defense or RAD for short.  I…could use some support and it wouldn’t hurt you all to go through it.  It’s a twelve hour commitment, though.”

 

The blond tilted his head, drawing his lips into a pensive expression.  “It’s good to see you take action.  I won’t miss seeing you learn how to kick some ass.  Sign me up!”

 

Yuuri laughed and the blond suddenly found himself enfolded in the Japanese man’s embrace.  He stiffened at first but was so relieved to see the change in the older man that he relaxed into it, returning the embrace.  Stepping back, he turned so that the brunette wouldn’t see the sudden tears.  “Yeah, well…are we going to practice or something?”

 

The other skaters laughed.  They soon disappeared to gather their gear before the four of them left for the rink.

 

* * *

  
  
  


The blond skated up to the barrier in front of Victor.  The man who was very much a big brother to him lifted his chin and held his eyes.  “I know you have agape in you, Yurochka.  You can’t tell me you haven’t felt it over the past few days.  You have your own way of reaching out to others but it’s still agape…your agape.  Let me see that in your skating.”

 

The blond nodded and moved into position.  Phichit started the music.  [ On Love:  Agape ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPiwk6d6So4) filled the rink with its ethereal tones as Yuri began moving through the choreography.  Yuri lost himself in the music as he centered on his stay over the past week remembering how he responded to the other Yuuri with feelings of protectiveness, wanting to cover him with his own armor.  

 

Moving his thoughts back, he remembered the fight he had with Vitya and how those emotions had boiled out of a place of hurt.  When he dug a little deeper, though, he knew he was afraid of losing Vitya as his brother and part of him wanted to protect the older man.  When he found out why the man left, though, he broke.  The shell around him shattered.  And once more he stepped forward as Vitya shared his story and offered himself as a shield.  

 

Reaching further back, he remembered when Yakov came into his life.  He stepped in and jerked him from the care of his mother, or lack thereof.  The woman was lost in her addictions and had neglected the boy of seven.  His grandfather had turned to the coach who had inquired about the boy when he saw him skate.  Yakov had used his connections to help his grandfather gain custody of him and had become his shield as his coach.  That was his agape: the shields used to protect those you love. 

 

When he drew his skate to a close he looked around at the stares that focused on him.  He shifted unconsciously.  Finally, he kicked off and skated to the barrier, his eyes searching out Victor’s.  The silver haired man smiled beautifully.  “Remember that feeling, Yurochka.  That is what you want to show your audience.  That is agape.”  Then Victor kissed the top of his head before ruffling his hair. 

 

Yuri then turned towards the other Yuuri.  He was surprised to see tears in the man’s eyes.  Really, the man cried too much.  But these tears…they were for him?   He remembered how the man held him protectively.  The blond wasn’t in danger but in his anxiety, Yuuri wanted to protect him, wanted to be his shield…even though he had been injured, even though he was broken, he would still put himself between Yuri and danger.  This unexpectedly touched something inside the blond.  Once more, he found himself embraced by Yuuri…and once more he found his stiffness melting into that embrace.  He had to get home soon.  They were going to chip away all of his armor at this rate.  He buried his head, though, against the other man’s chest.   Maybe for now, though, he could savor that warmth.  

 

* * *

  
  


The first of four three-hour sessions in the RAD program proved enlightening.  According to the initial orientation, the participants will be able to “ raise their awareness of aggressive behavior, recognize how aggressive behavior impacts their lives, learn steps to avoid aggressive behavior, consider how they can be part of reducing aggression and violence, and practice hands-on self-defense skills to resist and escape aggressive behavior directed toward them. This program is designed to empower participants to make safer choices when confronted with aggressive behavior.” [ [ SOURCE ](http://www.rad-systems.com/rad_men.html) ]  These skills would not have prevented the initial assault.  However, having a game plan might have made Yuuri and Phichit less vulnerable during the World’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to highlight the RAD course a little but there just isn't enough info for me to do it justice. So I hope you forgive me for the brochure quote.


	50. Chapter 50

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Best laid plans and all. Victor’s EMDR therapy and the first full rehearsal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Five chapters left in this part then off to Hasetsu! It’s been fun in Detroit but where will the next leg of their journey take them? Make sure you are subscribed to the series so that you won't miss the transition.
> 
> I love comments, kudos, and subscriptions. And remember, sharing is caring.

* * *

 

Victor looked up as Yuuri came out of his session.  Standing up to meet him, he asked, “Are you going to be okay?”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “Yes…”  He picked up his phone out of habit then put it away.  Smiling, he shrugged.  “I brought a book…French lit…oh, joy!”

 

Victor chuckled.  “I’ve read it.  We can discuss it when you’re through.”

 

Yuuri nodded, smiling warmly.  Victor brushed a kiss against his forehead before turning towards the waiting Cara.

 

Taking a seat in her office, he sighed heavily.  She studied him even as she brought him a cup of coffee.  “Thank you,” he responded automatically as he took the cup.

 

“Of course.”  She took the opposite chair, folding her legs beneath her.  “We’ve been talking about the rape and how witnessing it has impacted you.  Becoming so involved with Yuuri, its effects continue to bombard you.  How are your nightmares?”

 

“Vivid.  It’s like reliving finding him over again.  I sometimes can even smell the scents in the room.  Metallic smells, like blood.  A residual sweet odor.  Smoke.  I think cigarettes.  I can hear myself talking from a distance as if I’m outside of myself.”

 

“Are they more or less often?”

 

“They were becoming infrequent until the Worlds.  Now they happen almost every night again.  I don’t know if I wake Yuuri with them but sometimes I wake up holding him tight, like his life depended on it.”

 

“I want to target this through EMDR therapy.  It will take less because it is a single behavior, a single memory.  However, I want to make sure there are no other memories that torment you.”

 

“That event is the core of all of my nightmares.  I sometimes dream, though, that I am unable to get to Yuuri in time.  That stems from when Craig attacked him and I hadn’t arrived in Detroit yet.  Also, I feel powerless because I wasn’t able to get to Yuuri in the initial attack.”

 

“Do you experience any episodes of panic?”

 

“Not like my Yuuri.  It’s more moments where my heart seizes because I don’t know where he is.  Once I figure it out, then I relax.”

 

“How do you handle when you are apart?”

 

“If I keep myself occupied, I’m good.  Sometimes, though, I follow him…just to check on him.  He knows that I do.  It’s almost an acceptance on his part.  I try to keep my distance unless he invites me in.  If I know he is home, though, I’m fine.”

 

“Do certain places bother you because you are less in control?”

 

“The crowds.  They never affected me before.  Now when we are in a crowd, I’m looking around to see if someone is paying more attention to us than they should.  I’m constantly checking on Yuuri and I tend to set up tag teams as to who is with him at all times.  The press separated me at Worlds.  That’s how they found him.”

 

“What techniques do you use to calm yourself?”

 

“Besides skating?”

 

“Well, you can’t always skate.”

 

“I can usually adopt a mask when necessary until I can find a quiet place.  Then I play music and mentally skate through the program until I can relax.”

 

“That is a good start.  Nicely done, adapting to what you know.”

 

“Thank you, I’ve had to adapt to the pressure of my career.  I handle it well for the most part.  But…with Yuuri, sometimes I…can’t keep up.  I find myself…seeking out more…quiet places.  I-it was ten minutes.  I walked away for ten minutes.”

 

Cara watched the man unravel before her, uncertain at the moment what just opened up.  Offering encouragement, she stated firmly, “There is no shame seeking help, seeking a quiet place.  You know this.  You encourage Yuuri to do this.”

 

“I know.  I know there isn’t…it’s just that I can’t afford to be weak.  I can’t afford not to be present for him.  I was…seeking a quiet place at the Worlds.  I thought…he would be safe.  He was in a crowd.  Close to the barrier.  He was as far from any danger that I could conceive of…in plain sight of so many people.  I took a moment for myself…and Yuuri, my beautiful Yuuri…he was harmed once more.”  He was shaking…the secret tearing him apart from within as he plastered on a firm face, recreating the mask he wore to keep anyone from looking too deeply.

 

She reached out a hand and grasped his.  “When we are caring for someone, especially someone with great need, it is imperative that we take care of ourselves.  You did what was necessary.  You could not predict the attackers would come out into the open as they did.  You must not blame yourself for this.”

 

“If I had been there…”

 

“We can’t always be there.  This is something you need to accept.  What happened afterwards?”

 

“He ran and hid.”

 

“And?”  She knew the story.  She knew about Cocoa.

 

“He sent Cocoa to look for me,” he answered, barely a whisper, staring unseeing at the floor in front of him.

 

“Why do you think he did that?”

 

“Because…he says I’m his safe place.”  Looking up to meet her eyes, he asked, “How can I be his safe place if I’m not there when he needs me most?”

 

“Perhaps…you were.  He needed you to come find him and bring him back.  Each time.  And each time, you were there.  You brought him back to safety.”

 

Victor’s breath hitched. But then he shakily nodded.

 

“Now, I want you to focus on that peaceful place.  You are skating on the rink.  Your breathing is steady, even.  Your heartbeat is calm.”  She watched him as his breathing began to settle, as he slowly started to relax.

 

Meeting her eyes, he asked, “Should I tell Yuuri?  I don’t want there to be a lie between us.”

 

“Does not telling him prevent you from forgiving yourself?”

 

“I-I think it does.”

 

“It might help to let it go.  Would you like to bring him in?”

 

Victor nodded.  “We’ve had such a rough week.  I’d like to have you present.  Just in case.”

 

“Okay.  I’ll call him in.  You stay seated.”

 

A few minutes later and Yuuri was seated before Victor on the floor holding his hands and studying his eyes, tear stained and puffy, with concern.  Victor drew ragged breaths.  Finally, he gathered himself together enough to speak.  “Yuuri…that night…at the Worlds.  I-I should have returned to your side sooner.  I n-needed a moment.  I found a quiet corner to reset my thoughts.  If I had returned to you, you wouldn’t have been hurt.  I’m so sorry.”

 

Yuuri drew a deep breath as he continued to hold Victor’s eyes.  Reaching up, he lifted his fringe.  “I never want you to ever blame yourself for something they did.  Do you understand me?  You are allowed to take care of yourself.  I’ve told you this.  I need you to take care of yourself.   Is that what you need to hear?  So do not blame yourself in this.”  He slid his fingers down the side of Victor’s face and traced around his chin as he continued to hold his eyes.  

 

Yuuri tilted his head and continued with a soft but firm voice.  “And do not blame yourself for the rape.  I left by myself.  I left your side although you would have walked me back to my room.  The most important part is that you came to me when I called.  You’ve come to me every single time I called.  Even when I couldn’t call you, somehow you managed to reach out when I needed you most.  So please…do not blame yourself.”

 

Victor’s breathing was uneven as he listened, his tears falling quietly.  “I’ve held onto that blame for so long,” he whispered.  “I keep hearing my thoughts tell me that I let them hurt my Yuuri.”

 

“You didn’t _let_ them do anything.  They took.  They stole.  They had no permissions.  You could not and would not give them permission.  I need you to believe this.”

 

“No…I would never give them permission.  I…would have fought for you.  I would take every pain from you if I could.”

 

“I know.  I wouldn’t want you to but I know.”  Yuuri rose up on his knees and brushed his lips against Victor’s tear stained cheek and then his lips.  Leaning forehead to forehead, he whispered, “You are always my safe place.  I want to be yours.”

 

Victor’s arms wrapped around him and pulled him close, hugging him tightly.  He didn’t know how it was all going to work out but for once as he held this man, this strong, beautiful man, he felt like there might be light at the end of the tunnel.   

 

Cara smiled quietly, waiting out the encounter.  Next session she might be able to move to Phase three with Victor.

 

* * *

 

Saturday dawned with the pressure of running Yuri through his skate, offering him critique, in the morning and then full rehearsal of Yuuri’s ballet in the afternoon.  Yuri chose to spend the afternoon volunteering at a cat rescue center he found near campus.  Phichit walked him there and offered to pick him up after the rehearsal.  Yuri, knowing that the other Yuuri would freak out otherwise, agreed to the terms.  Really, he just needed some cat therapy being away from his own cat for so long.

 

Everyone gathered for the rehearsal and stretched in preparation.  Phichit dragged Natalia to the soundbooth to help him run the audiovisuals.  He flipped the video on of Victor’s skate while the dancers warmed up.  Finally the stage cleared and Yuuri gave them the signal.   _Unravel_ began to play.

 

The corps joined him in the next selection tearing him down like anxiety tears at him from within and sometimes without.  He slipped down under their hold until he was in a ball.  The corps backed off to the fringes of the stage, present actively reaching toward him as he began to fight from within on the next song.

 

The second act brought him through a journey all alone showing a man who refused to accept help.  Julia reached from one side and he withdrew.  Victor reached from the other side.  The dancing continued as he continued to spiral, lost from within.

 

During the third act, Yuuri started to open himself up for help.  This is when he danced with Julia, her movements offering help, holding his hand, becoming his wings when his own were broken.  Then Victor entered, sharing his tears until finally he came out the other side where Victor embraced him in his love.

 

Yuuri was breathless at the end of it all.  He had pushed hard but the cuts he had made to the program made it much more achievable and kept the story tighter, more focused on his anxiety and the triumph in the end.  As the dancers disbursed, they all felt more confident about the program.

 

* * *

 

Victor gathered Yuuri in his embrace.  They had retreated into one of the private studios.  It was smaller and had no viewing windows.  Yuuri was shaking and Victor wanted to get Yuuri into a space where he could stretch out his muscles.

 

“Drink,” Victor commanded, handing him a water bottle as Yuuri settled into a full center split.  

 

Yuuri tipped up the bottle and drank generously before handing it back to Victor.   He then walked his hands forward until he laid flat on the floor.  Victor reached down and carded through his hair as he relaxed into the stretch.

 

Yuuri then pushed himself back upright and shifted the split into a left front split.  He reached forward down his left leg.  Sitting back upright, he leaned back to take his right foot in hand as it curled up behind him.  Stretching the leg back out, Yuuri switched back to center and walked back down again before repeating with a right front split.

 

When he centered out once more, he pulled his legs forward.  Breaking his focus, he spotted Victor working through a series of stretches.   “Will you help me to stretch my shoulders?” he asked.  Victor nodded, moved into position and helped Yuuri to put additional length into the various shoulder stretches.  Yuuri then moved into a thread the needle stretch followed by a hamstring and then a hip stretch.  He then accepted the water bottle from Victor once more and finished it off.

 

Drawing his legs together, he curled into a ball in Victor’s embrace.  “It was a good practice?”  It wasn’t quite a statement and not quite a question.  

 

Victor wrapped his arms around the smaller man and nodded.  “It went well.  We have some transitions to work on.”  Even though he didn’t choreograph dance, his choreography experience helped him to spot out the inconsistencies.

 

“Phichit filmed it,” Yuuri considered thoughtfully.  “I want to review the film but I’m thinking one of the pieces could use a bit of interaction…if you are willing.”

 

“What do you have in mind?” Victor responded with a raised eyebrow.

 

Yuuri sighed against his chest.  “Nothing too intricate.  I’ll show you tomorrow.  I think you’ll understand once I show you.”

 

Victor brushed his lips against Yuuri’s head.  “Whatever you need, Yuuri.  And right now, I think you need to go home and rest.”

 

Yuuri nodded but didn’t move.  “I think…I am home,” he murmured softly.

 

Victor couldn’t help but smile into the kiss he was brushing against his lover’s cheek.  “Come, _lyubov moya_.  The walk will do you some good then you can stand in a hot shower.”  He climbed to his feet and then reached down to offer a hand.

 

Yuuri sighed and took the offer.  “A shower does sound lovely.  Do you know what sounds better?”

 

Victor shook his head and waited.

 

“Soaking in my family’s hot springs.  I think you’ll like the onsen, Vitya,” Yuuri murmured as he wound an arm around Victor’s waist.

 

“I’m looking forward to it, my Yuuri,” he answered tenderly.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE 1: EMDR sessions go through specific phases. I touched on how one might work based on this link: https://emdria.site-ym.com/?120. (This is different from the previous link and offers a little more detail.) However, the experience will likely vary based on the recipient and the therapists. The unique thing about EMDR is that the therapist doesn’t have to get in depth. It is up to the client how detailed they go. Some feel more comfortable talking about the targeted events than others. 
> 
>  
> 
> NOTE 2: Victor’s therapy schedule is lined up with Yuuri’s now. They will rotate between the two. I know you are thinking...three days a week? Three hours between the two? Racking up some costs. Victor would pay for it all. However, Yuuri’s parents are covering the costs of Yuuri’s treatment through Coach Celestino. They may not be able to be physically present, but they do worry about their son.


	51. Chapter 51

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rehearsals and our poor Yuri must return home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of fluff! Enjoy!

* * *

  
  


The next week went fast between rehearsals, therapy, and skating.  A full dress rehearsal was set for Thursday so Yuri, who had to leaving on Friday, could attend.  Yuuri even made katsudon on Wednesday with the double intention of treating his guest and to comfort his own nerves for the dress performance.  Victor nuzzled him from behind as he cooked his favorite dish. 

 

“You’re so gross,” came a disgusted complaint.  “Can you not do that over the food?”

 

Victor and Yuuri laughed warmly.  “Don’t worry, Yurio,” Victor teased.  “Affection will not transfer like germs through your food.”  He then turned a teasing gaze.  “It will transfer, however, through tickling!”

 

The teen squealed and both Phichit and Yuuri laughed as the blonde took off across the room.  He danced across the couch and jumped towards the hall in an attempt to escape only to be intercepted by Victor’s long arms. 

 

Gasping and giggling, they were cut short when Yuuri announced dinner was ready.

 

As they enjoyed the warm comfort food, Yuri smiled sadly.  He actually enjoyed staying with 

Victor and Yuuri.  Even Phichit.  Returning to Russia did not seem nearly as appealing.  He had no choice.  His ambition demanded it.  Still, part of him yearned to remain with these three.

 

“Yuri, since you have to leave before the performance, would you like to come to the dress rehearsal?” Yuuri invited with a smile.

 

The blond’s eyes widened.  “You wouldn’t mind?”

 

“As long as you don’t post to social media…at least until  _ after _ the performance,” Yuuri stipulated.  The blond nodded eagerly.  Yuuri smiled and looked towards Phichit.  “He gets to hang with you, Nattie, and Marc.  He might like to see how the soundbooth works.”

 

“Yes!” Yuri responded with excitement.  The others laughed warmly.

 

* * *

 

Yuri moved around backstage along with Phichit as the performers were putting on their makeup and costumes.  “You kept things simple,” he commented.

 

Yuuri looked over and smiled.  “We are on a college budget.  That’s why it’s a projected set.”

 

“Victor said I can look at some of his old costumes when he returns to Russia.  I don’t have near the sponsors he has at the moment,” the teen confessed quietly.

 

“Nor do I.  And honestly I’m nervous about  _ Eros _ .”

 

“Victor said you were waiting until after the ballet to start practicing.”

 

“Don’t worry.  I’m still keeping up my skills.  Where do you think we go when we slip away at night?” Yuuri responded with a wink.

 

The blond made a face before answering, “I tried not to think about it.”

 

Yuuri laughed.  “It’s just skating.  I have worked on the choreography.  Just not the emotion.  

Mostly, though, I’ve been working on adding another jump to my arsenal.”

 

The teen picked up the makeup brush and began adding contours to Yuuri’s makeup.  “I-I never apologized for yelling at you at the final.”

 

“Why did you do that?”

 

“Because…I knew you were better than that skate.  It pissed me off.”

 

Yuuri chuckled.  “Do you want to hear a secret?”  The teen nodded, brush stilling in his hand.  “I was pretty pissed off about it, too.  I blamed myself.  It was an unfortunate mixture of anxiety and losing my dog.  I could not get my head straight and my focus in order.”

 

“Are you better now?”

 

Yuuri laughed.  “In the short time you’ve lived with me you should have figured out that any given day can go either way.”

 

“You seem open about it.”

 

Yuuri shrugged.  “It doesn’t help to not be.  Now, can you give me a steady waterline?”

 

The blond grinned.  Picking up the liquid liner, he made a face as he applied the makeup.  Stepping back, he nodded with approval.  “Who will do your makeup when I’m gone?”

 

“Well, I can actually do my makeup.  But you seemed to be enjoying yourself,” Yuuri responded with a wink. 

 

The blond gasped and blushed as he took a step back.  Running his hand through his hair nervously, he stated gruffly, “I’d better get up to the sound booth.”

 

Yuuri grinned as he watched the boy go.  Victor slipped his arms around him from behind.  “Be easy on the boy,” he teased.

 

“I didn’t expect to see such a sweet side of him,” Yuuri responded as he turned warm brown eyes towards Victor.

 

Victor chuckled softly.  “You’ve put a chink in his armor.  He’ll fill it in once he realizes it.  But…I think he might have a little crush on you.”

 

Yuuri’s mouth opened in surprise.  “No!  I’m far too old…” he protested.

 

Laughing, Victor teased, “Yes, ancient…just be careful with that charm.  It’s disarming.”  Victor hugged him once more before releasing him.  Yuuri would need to go onto stage soon. 

  
  


* * *

 

 

Yuri asked Marc a number of questions about the lighting before settling down in the soundbooth.  The three adults watched him with amusement like they would a kid brother.  Yuri finally settled down as the show was signalled to start. 

 

He stared transfixed throughout the performance, moved on several occasions to tears.  He realized quickly how personal the story Yuuri told with his dancing was.  He saw the overlying theme of anxiety but it wasn’t lost to the young blonde that the raven haired man was showing his journey out of the darker events of the past few months.  Sniffs from around him told him he wasn’t alone in his emotions.

 

Finally, the curtain fell and they all just sat in silence processing the emotions.  Even Marc who didn’t know the whole story was moved.  “I’ll never look at my cousin’s anxiety the same way,” he confessed.  The others just nodded. 

 

Finally, the dancers started to emerge in their street clothes.  “I guess we should…” Phichit started, gesturing towards the stage.  The others nodded as they moved to make their way out of the booth.

 

“Yuuri!  That was amazing!” Phichit exclaimed as he hugged Yuuri close. 

 

Yuuri laughed.  “You act as if you haven’t seen it.”

 

“I haven’t seen the full effect.  The changes you incorporated are perfect.  Just what was needed.”

 

“Thank you,” Yuuri responded with a smile.  “Although Victor helped me fix the transitions.  I don’t know what I’d have done without his help.”

 

Victor slipped an arm around him and gave him a squeeze.  “You would have been fine.”

 

Yuri dragged his suitcase and carry-on bag to the living room.  He could tell Katsudon and the old man were a mess.  “I guess…I’ll see you in Russia.”

 

“Unless you visit in Hasetsu,” suggested Yuuri with a little bit of hope.

 

“I-I don’t know.  Yakov may not let me go a second time.  I’ll see, though.”

 

Yuuri nodded, pulling the blond in a hug.  He was getting used to these hugs.  So used to it in fact that he automatically wrapped his arms around the brunette.  “My mother’s katsudon is much better than mine.  You have to come and try it.”

 

“I-I will.  I just don’t know if I can come this summer.  Okay?”

 

Yuuri nodded, tightening his lip to stop the quiver. 

 

Victor wasn’t much better.  He walked down with Yuri to the cab.  The old man was riding with him to the airport.  “It’s not like we won’t see each other in a few months,” Yuri offered.

 

“I know.  I am just spoiled with having you here.”

 

“I didn’t expect to get so close to Katsudon,” Yuri whispered.

 

Victor smiled.  “He gets under your skin, doesn’t he?”

 

Yuri nodded, twisting the hem of his hoodie.  “You better not hurt him,” he declared under his breath.

 

Victor reached an arm around Yuri’s shoulder and pulled him into a hug.  “I wouldn’t hurt him for the world.”

 

“Well, I know you’ve had a lot of past relationships.”

 

Victor looked towards Yuri fondly, “They don’t even touch this.”

 

“Good.  Because you know, Victor, I won’t hesitate to kick your ass.”

 

Victor laughed warmly as they climbed out of the cab.  “You have my permission to knock some sense into me if I’m ever that stupid.”

 

“Fuck that!  You let him slip away, you might not get him back!” he warned.  Turning on his heel, he entered the airport, not looking back. 

 

Victor watched him check in from a distance but knew Yuri well enough to know that he had said his goodbyes.   _ Definitely a crush, _ Victor thought, smiling to himself.

 


	52. Chapter 52

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And with the departure of Yuri, enter Chris! You wanted some Chris and Phichit fluff, why not a double date with our Victuuri couple?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Show your love through comments, shares, and kudos! ;)

 

* * *

 

Chris arrived almost a week before the recital on Sunday.  Victor met him laughingly at the airport. 

 

“It’s so good to see you again,  _ mon cheri _ ,” Chris greeted with kisses on the cheek.  “Where are Yuuri and Phichit?”   He looked around wide eyed.

 

“You’ll have to forgive them.  I left them in the middle of studying to pick you up.  Phichit has an exam tomorrow and Yuuri is trying to get ahead on his online courses so he can focus on dancing.  He says he’s almost finished with all but French lit.”

 

“French lit?”

 

Victor grinned.  “I’ve refreshed myself on several classics while helping him with that course.  I believe it was an upper level elective.”

 

“Does he know you minored in French?”

 

“He knows I’m fluent.  I haven’t exactly talked about my major or minor in college.  I mean, it’s not like I ever set foot in a classroom.”

 

“Whether you achieved the goal traditionally or nontraditionally, it still counts.”

 

Victor laughed quietly.  “I don’t know if he’d be too impressed.  He’s working on a Fine Arts major in dance.”

 

“And you didn’t know what you’d be doing after you finished skating so you majored in Sports Administration.  Those courses are demanding in their own way and you are well versed in the legal aspects.”

 

“Which is useful when I go to renegotiate contracts.  However, if I choose to coach, I’m going to have to pick up some certifications.  In fact, I’m working through the first level of certifications as we speak.”

 

“Can you do that online?”

 

“Yes.  Coach Celestino helped me to get started.”

 

“You’re mad, you know, if you plan to coach Yuuri and compete.”

 

Victor laughed.  “I’ve shown definite signs of madness over the last few months.  However, I’m mainly choreographing Yuuri’s programs and getting him started.  Yakov is taking us both on when we join him in August.  We are under Celestino’s guidance while here.  So really, there is only the two and a half months in Japan that he is solely in my care.”

 

“Well, at least you aren’t attempting this on your own.  When I heard you were planning to coach Yuuri and skate I thought you had lost your mind.”

 

“We are trying this so that Yuuri can spend time with his family.  Yakov isn’t sure how it will work but he knows how stubborn I am.”

 

“One of your finest qualities,” Chris commented as he examined his nails.  “So what are we doing while the boys study?”

 

Victor laughed.  “We’re making dinner.”

 

Chris widened his eyes.  “Russian or French?”

 

“I thought piroshki unless you want to go for Swiss meatballs.”  

 

“Hmmm...perhaps Phichit would prefer the Swiss meatballs,” Chris responded with a wink.

 

Victor chuckled, shaking his head.  “We can pick up the necessary ingredients on the way home, then take over the kitchen.”

 

“There must be wine.  Do they have decent wine here?”

 

“There is…wine,” Victor conceded reluctantly.

 

Chris laughed with understanding.  “We’ll see what they offer. “

 

* * *

 

The two older skaters arrived at the apartment and were greeted by two restless dogs and two students buried in their books.  “We’re here!” Victor announced.  The other two men squealed and jumped up, running to greet Chris at the door.

 

As Chris wrapped them up in his arms, he looked at Victor with a wink.  “This is how you greet a friend,” he teased.  Turning he dropped a kiss on each of the shorter men.  “You spoil me.  Not that I’m complaining.”  And if one hand drifted a little lower down the Thai boy’s body, so be it. 

 

Yuuri took his hand, though, and Chris found himself led into the room.  “How was your trip?”

 

“Quite well, thank you.  Now where do I deposit my things?”

 

“Come with me, Chris,” Victor redirected.  The Swiss man reluctantly released the other two skaters to follow Victor down the hall and into the first bedroom.  “I’ve pretty much moved out all essential items.  There’s a bathroom across the hall.”

 

“So you are staying with Yuuri full time,” Chris commented with a raised eyebrow.

 

Victor shrugged.  “I have been for awhile.  I only stay here if he needs space.  Otherwise, it’s where I store my clothes and other things I brought with me from Russia.”

 

“Do you mind if I freshen up and shower?  I hate smelling like airports.”

 

Victor grinned.  “Not at all.  I’ll be in the living room when you are ready.”

 

* * *

 

Chris reentered the living space to find Yuuri curled up around Victor, one hand playing with the man’s hair and the other reading a book on a tablet.  Victor had another book on his lap and they were discussing E’mile Zola’s  _ The Masterpiece _ .  Chris listened in quiet amusement, meeting Phichit’s eyes over their heads.

 

Clearing his throat, Chris was awarded with Victor’s attention.  The older skater closed the book and placed it next to Yuuri.  The brunette reluctantly allowed him to leave.  Getting to his feet, 

Victor stated, “I’m making piroshki tonight.”

 

“It’s been awhile since I’ve had your cooking,” Chris commented.

 

“My Yuuri is a good cook as well.”

 

Yuuri looked up at the mention of his name.  “I’ll make katsudon at some point while you are here, Chris.”

 

Chris’s eyes lit up.  “I’m looking forward to it.”

 

“I’ll cook tomorrow,” volunteered Phichit.

 

“Why don’t I take Tuesday?” suggested Chris.

 

“Wednesday or Thursday, Yuuri?” Victor inquired.

 

“Late rehearsals on Thursday.  However, why don’t we go out on Wednesday?  I’ll cook Sunday or Monday of next week.”

 

Victor smiled indulgently.  “Sounds like a date.  Do you have anything in particular in mind?”

“We could go to Lindy’s.  It’s a swing club with a 1940s art deco vibe,” Yuuri suggested.

 

Victor’s eyes sparkled.  “Will I get to see you in heels once more?”

 

Yuuri tilted his head to one side and winked.  “That may be arranged.  Someone else needs to join me, though.”

 

Phichit looked up without hesitation and stated, “I’m in.   Just don’t leave me.  I hate it when people start trying to pick me up.”

 

Yuuri laughed.  “It’s because you go all out when you dress in drag.”

 

Phichit shrugged.  “It’s my legs,” he argued.

 

“I don’t know.  My Yuuri has beautiful legs,” Victor argued.

 

“Your Yuuri also has to fight off offers,” Phichit stated.  “Especially once he takes the dance floor.  And that’s dressed in drag or not.”

 

Chris leaned languidly on the bar and watched the exchange.  With a smirk, he points out, “You can dance, Yuuri, I’ll give you that.”  He then winked.  “It’s a war, though, as to what your most attractive feature would be.  Your legs?  Your thighs?  Your ass?  It’s hard for a man to decide.”

 

Yuuri blushed even as he laughed.  “We’ll let Victor decide,” he suggested with a wink.

 

Chris liked this more relaxed version of the Japanese skater.  Victor’s love and affection did much to raise this brown eyed beauty’s confidence.  Chris turned to look at Victor expectantly.

 

“You want me to narrow it down?  There is just so much!”  Victor washed his eyes over Yuuri thoughtfully but settled on his face.  “I’m going to say it’s your eyes, Yuuri.  They disarm me more quickly than your smile.”

 

And that smile appeared on queue along with a lovely blush sweeping across his cheeks causing the beautiful brunette to duck down into the book he was reading. 

 

* * *

 

 

Date night and Yuuri and Phichit disappeared into Yuuri’s room to get ready while Victor and Chris dressed in the other bedroom. 

 

“I have to admit, I’ve never been to a swing club,” Chris commented.

 

Victor grinned.  “Sasha and I took lessons once.  I don’t know if they will compare to Yuuri, though.  I’m sure he took a class or two for college credit.”

 

“And Phichit?”

 

“He probably dragged him along to be his partner.  I have learned that Phichit was dragged into the pole dancing classes with him.”

 

“So that’s how…”

 

Victor shrugged.  “At least my man has a secure future.  You know…if the skating thing doesn’t work out.”

 

“Well, if he goes that route, I want the first lap dance,” Chris teased.

 

“Excuse me?” Victor responded with mock offense.  “Yuuri will only work at classy clubs.”

 

Chris laughed.  “You do realize you are talking about him swinging on a pole practically naked.”

 

Victor winked.  “It doesn’t mean we can’t have high standards.”

 

They walked into the living room to wait for their dates.  Makka was sleeping on a pillow in the corner and Cocoa was likely in with Yuuri.  Cocoa would stay home on this night.  Yuuri felt secure in his company. 

 

The sound of heels hitting the hard floor caused the men to turn.  Both mouths fell open as Phichit and Yuuri stepped around the corner and into the living room. 

 

They were both dressed in black but with a different cut.  Phichit’s [ dress](https://www.bloomingdales.com/shop/product/lauren-ralph-lauren-sequin-cutout-back-dress?ID=1827714&pla_country=US&cm_mmc=Google-PLA-ADC-_-Dresses-NA-_-Ralph%20Lauren-_-190232582167USA&CAWELAID=120156070004101763&CAGPSPN=pla&CAAGID=40577069966&CATCI=pla-300992136925&CATARGETID=120156070005139228&cadevice=c) was more of a sheath cut emphasizing his slim form and a strappy [ pump](https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQwvnlYyV3gsDBTbrho4788QvAg3xxcurF3C4oI36t19atM1g90) in black.  Yuuri’s [ dress](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/80/ec/e0/80ece038443dbd9002f22aa284aacc01.jpg) went vintage with a 1940’s feel to it and cherry blossoms accenting the bodice.  He finished the look with three inch [ Mary Janes](https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQi9vfe-z00kZOfJxlEVNagf9GBzaFt0gEVsjANfmPEnP4kk0Sv) .  Victor was glad he’d gone with a vintage looking cardigan and a more casual slacks that seemed to match well with Yuuri’s look.  Chris wore a dressier suited up look that complemented the more glitzed up look Phichit wore.  The older gentlemen offered their arms to the younger two and escorted them out the door.  Their ride was waiting for them downstairs.

 

* * *

 

 

[Note…here’s a [ playlist](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RD1u_Cb-i6Y&index=4&list=RDQMD8vr5u0vJDE) to get you into the Swing Dance mood.]

 

The quartet arrived at Lindy’s and found the dance floor in full swing.  Yuuri in his excitement was bouncing on the balls of his feet as he grabbed Victor’s hand and pulled him towards the dancefloor.  “Do you Lindy Hop?” he asked as he swept him into the crowd. 

 

Victor had never seen Yuuri so comfortable in a crowd.  He found himself magnetically drawn towards Yuuri as he moved to both traditional songs and modern songs pitched to a swing vibe.  The big band music seemed to provide its own high to the brunette.  Finally after the fifth song, Victor had to call a break and led his date to the bar where they enjoyed a couple of house special mixed drinks straight off of the Stork Club [ menu](http://www.foodtimeline.org/storkclub.html) .  Yuuri chose the Singapore Sling with its fruity mix and Victor went with the vodka infused Devil’s Tail.  Drinks in hand, they walked the perimeter of the club and found a little table occupied by Chris and Phichit. 

 

Chris laughed as they joined them.  “You two looked great out there!”

 

“You aren’t dancing!” Yuuri commented. 

 

“We were about to head out onto the floor,” Phichit answered as he downed his Julius Special.  He slipped his hand into Chris’s and dragged him out onto the floor.

 

“I thought the drinking age was twenty-one in the States,” Victor whispered in Yuuri’s ear.

 

Yuuri shushed him with a finger to his lips and a wink.  “We don’t ask how he manages these things.”

 

Victor nodded in understanding and savored his drink as he watched their friends on the dance floor.

 

Soon Phichit and Chris came bouncing back and Phichit grabbed Yuuri’s hands.  “You’re dancing with me!” 

 

Yuuri agreed with a laugh almost skipping out onto the floor. 

 

Chris leaned forward and murmured to Victor, “I think your boyfriend is enchanting.”

 

Victor grinned in response.  “I know!  Phichit has his own charm, as well.”

 

“He’s an adventure.  That’s for certain.  But the two of them together.  That’s a perfect storm.”

 

Victor grinned.  “I think it’s a great combination.  Phichit can bring out sides of Yuuri with his excitement that I wouldn’t otherwise see.”

 

Chris offered him a saucy grin.  “I suspect you bring out sides of Yuuri that Phichit has never seen.”

 

Victor turned back to the dancefloor, a secret smile and a bit of blush on his cheeks.   _ It was worth waiting on Yuuri to be in the mood to go to a club _ , he thought to himself.   _ His charm is in perfect step with the evening.  Yuuri is always worth the wait. _

 

* * *

 

 

NOTE:  Okay, I am actually picturing the club scene from [ Blast from the Past](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nXi7mCd7JAQ) when I came up with this date night.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I left a note above but I wanted the link.


	53. Chapter 53

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri's Senior Recital!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The format is a bit different but I hope you catch some interpretation of my vision. Costuming notes at the end. 
> 
> "Stammi Vicinno" link is fixed (for now). I went with a cover performance. The direct link in the script is to the soprano version. The one in the playlist is a piano/tenor cover by the National Opera in Ukraine. I'll put the soprano version at the end of the playlist. 
> 
> Also, the cover I have for Duetto is only a soprano voice. If you find a link for a tenor/soprano cover, please drop me a line. I've looked at a couple but the quality was lacking. 
> 
> Please drop me a line in the comments if another link breaks and I'll look for a replacement. Thank you.
> 
> Comments, kudos, and shares are the best!
> 
> So much thanks to BluSkates who helped me figure out what I was trying to say with her brilliant edits! You're the best!

* * *

 

 

Chris took a seat next to Phichit in the sound booth.  Video Victor’s skate to _Stammi Vicino_ was projected on loop against the white silk backdrop.  “How is Yuuri?”

 

Phichit shrugged.  “I finished his makeup half an hour ago.  He’s…nervous?  It’s not full blown anxiety, though.  Julia and Victor are with him keeping him calm.”  Phichit checked the video line up on his computer.

 

Natalia raised an eyebrow as she adjusted the volume.  “Nervous is understandable.  He’d laugh and tell us that at least that’s normal.”

 

Chris nodded.  “Thanks for letting me join you up here.  I feel bad about Ashley, though.”

 

“Don’t.  She has a date.”  Natalia pointed to the man sitting next to her in the front row.  “She’d want to be where Yuuri could see her and Cocoa anyway.  They’re his ground.”

 

“Appropriate,” added Phichit.  “She’s his oldest friend in Detroit.  Celestino is coming to tomorrow’s performance.  He’ll sit with her then.  You can decide if you want to hang with us or with them.”

 

“I may go watch from below just to see it from the audience’s perspective,” Chris murmured.

 

A fourth member flashed the house lights to settle down the audience.  He glanced over at the rest.  “I’m Marc,” he introduced.

 

Natalia chewed her lip and scrunched her nose.  “Sorry!  Marc, this is Chris.  He’s Victor’s friend.”

 

“Good to meet you,” he stated, leaning on Phichit’s chair as he reached out his right hand to shake Chris’s.  “I know most of the dance and theatre students.”

 

“Nice to meet you,” Chris greeted, shaking his hand before slipping an arm around Phichit.

 

Marc held the Chris’s eyes before nodding and backing over to the other side of the booth.  He faded on the spotlight, with the blue filter to represent moonlight as Natalia queued up the soprano area of _Stammi Vicino_.

 

* * *

 

 

[ Recital Playlist ](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kJKMAg_HwGnNRbUIsEqsbgG) :   **_Anxiety’s Journey_ **

 

_(NOTE:  The playlist is in the order of the performance or the individual pieces are laid out below in the playbill.  Parentheticals reveal the story behind the performance but is not included in the playbill.  Costume links are found in the notes.)_

 

[ Stammi Vicino (Aria) ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IlTPFIMDO64) – Victor Nikiforov performing on ice.

_(Victor’s skate is projected on loop while the audience assembles.)_

 

**ACT 1:**

 

[ Unravel ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEQf5lcnj_o) – Katsuki Yuuri

 

 _(Yuuri dances the choreography to_ Unravel _but uses his body to personify his breakdown through staged failures in his movements.)_

 

[ Pulse ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwP3UogewdY) – Katsuki Yuuri as prima accompanied by the Freshman/Sophomore ballet corps

 

 _(The first and second year dancers come forward and begin to pull on Yuuri symbolizing anxiety overwhelming him…Sections ends with Yuuri left crouched as the corps retreats  off stage.  Inspirational_ [ _image_](http://au-di-tions.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/lbc.jpg) _.)_

 

[ In My Head ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZvCKVygLzI&index=5&list=PLqQR2rKU30kJKMAg_HwGnNRbUIsEqsbgG) – Katsuki Yuuri

 

 _(Yuuri’s dancing personifies the struggle in his mind.  He pulls at a scarf wrapping around his body during this performance to further demonstrate the concept of anxiety and to take the emphasis from social to an internal, personal struggle.  The scarf in the_ [ _first_](http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-haELPg0YFZI/VUpMGbS-78I/AAAAAAAAA8c/fmDBeoo7oAk/s1600/Martha%2BGraham.jpg) _and the_ [ _second_](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/e4/51/d7/e451d77c6074f413cebbf1278ad1c594.jpg) _inspirational images represents feeling trapped.  It also represents being overcome by his attackers as they break him down.  As he ends in a broken position, curled up on the floor the lights fade out.)_

 

**ACT 2:**

 

[ Why ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2F2gw9u9cQ&index=7&list=PLqQR2rKU30kJKMAg_HwGnNRbUIsEqsbgG) – Katsuki Yuuri

 

 _(The lights slowly fade back up to reveal Yuuri dancing alone portraying his time trapped in his silence, questioning why this happened to him.  It goes through the torment and sorrow of innocence loss.  For most of the audience, they will see the sorrow of struggling with the depression that goes with anxiety.  Inspirational_ [ _image_ ](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/a9/d7/33/a9d7334e90d8dd913c5264008a66ba7d.jpg) _.)_

 

[ When All Hope is Gone ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpxpWjD7dL0&index=8&list=PLqQR2rKU30kJKMAg_HwGnNRbUIsEqsbgG) – Katsuki Yuuri

 

 _(Folding in on himself, Yuuri demonstrates his losing internal_ [ _battle_ ](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/aa/02/4b/aa024bdd0876fdb69d13b2f20096b12e.jpg) _.  Using his body to explain, at the_ [ _end_](https://az616578.vo.msecnd.net/files/responsive/embedded/any/desktop/2016/04/16/635964343487586447497740911_Early-Warning-Signs-of-Depression-in-Adolescents-C.jpg) _of the song he reveals the moment in the bathroom locking out Craig to protect himself.)_

 

[ Narrow Is the Road ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TelwXAa2dy0) – Katsuki Yuuri with an appearance of Victor in the background

 

 _(Yuuri rises to face the audience, communicating the realization that he can’t remain in this state.  Victor dances along the edge of the background in quiet, subtle movements to symbolize his attempt to reach out from afar.  First inspirational_ [ _image_](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/xy1RimRIfI4/maxresdefault.jpg) _.  Second inspirational_ [ _image_](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/63/9c/ab/639cabac4f95b14b273bbde7cb54f464.jpg) _.  And for_ [ _Victor_](https://static1.squarespace.com/static/520d449de4b06ca52b3ee4be/5463ce7ae4b06a8d7865803a/58ddb00a403c662dd9de9f7c/1490923538710/) _.)_

 

**ACT 3:**

 

[ Choices ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6p2labYkD7M) – Katsuki Yuuri with Julia Warren dancing in the background.

 

 _(Yuuri and Julia demonstrate the affect his anxiety has on those around him.  Julia is dancing closer in and then withdrawing over and over, drawing closer to Yuuri.  Yuuri notices her movements, but prevents her from coming too close at first.  Julia slowly closes the space between them as Yuuri demonstrates the need for her help.  The dance_ [ _ends_](http://cmdans.org/Site/themed_images/portfolio-large-8.jpg) _with Julia finally entering Yuuri’s space.)_

 

[ Broken Wings ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ka_96MHzdGw) – Katsuki Yuuri and Julia Warren

 

 _(Yuuri still dancing as if injured, moves forward with the help of friends. This is the period where Yuuri starts to use his phone to reach out to others and “break his silence”.  First inspirational_ [ _image_](http://www.paulajosajones.org/cgi-local/db_images/page_photos/cache/320-photo-600-600-fit.jpg) _.  Second inspirational_ [ _image_](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/a5/cc/b2/a5ccb2e09e87254049c406dda172ddff.jpg) _.)_

 

[ Shared Tears ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nULXNDYOykI) – Katsuki Yuuri and Victor Nikiforov

 

 _(Victor joins Yuuri on stage, freely moving into the man’s space Victor helps him to pick up the pieces and finally find his voice._ [ _Image_ ](http://hemisphericinstitute.org/hemi/images/e-misferica/9.1_images/91_lg_fortuna_05.jpg) _providing inspiration shows the support of one man to the other.  Second image provides the emotional acceptance of that support.)_

 

[ Stammi Vicino (Duetto) ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8YieBmQtew) – Katsuki Yuuri and Victor Nikiforov

 

 _(Yuuri and Victor remain on stage together, choosing to continue this journey together. Besides the Duetto figure skate, the other inspiration for this ballet performance comes from this image of_ [ _Pas de Deux_](http://discover.sfballet.org/sites/default/files/styles/slideshow_image/public/Technique_Partnering_Sofranko.jpg?itok=Mb0XJju7) _.  Second inspirational_ [ _image_](http://features.jerseyarts.com/content/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/3.jpeg) _.)_

As they took their final pose, the applause began slowly as people came to terms with their emotions and then built to a crescendo.  Many faces were wet with tears and felt a bit shaken.  Victor twirled Yuuri out of his embrace and stepped back for him to take a bow.  Stepping forward, he took his hand and they bowed once more.  Julia joined them on the third bow.  The corps filed out and joined them for the fourth.  It was a success.

 

Stepping forward, Yuuri invited the audience to the reception and exhibit featuring the photography of Phichit Chulanont.  As the dancers left the stage, the audience reluctantly started to leave but most began to make their way to the reception.

 

* * *

 

 

Ashley moved back stage to greet Yuuri with Cocoa in hand and a bouquet of roses.  “This is from all of us, Yuuri.  We are so very proud of you.”

 

Yuuri swallowed.  “Th-thank you,” he managed to get out before the tears fell.

 

Ashley found her arms full of an overwhelmed Yuuri…but for once, it was a good kind of overwhelmed.  She spied Victor standing behind him, a soft smile resting on his face.  Finally, they stepped back and Yuuri wiped his tears, sniffing and trying to regain control.  She caressed his cheek.  “I’ll see you soon…at the reception.  I’m going to let you get ready, now.”  She handed him the lead and slipped out of the backstage area.

 

* * *

 

 

Phichit greeted the guests entering the gallery wearing a purple dress shirt that hinted towards his Thai heritage.  For opening night, a simple reception was laid out for guests as they browsed through the gallery depicting moments in Yuuri’s and Victor’s lives.  Skating moments.  Dancing moments. Private moments.  Several moments focused on feet, both Yuuri’s and Victor’s…skates, dance shoes, pointe shoes, and bare feet showing the damage created by skates and dancing, the pain of their sport, of their art.  Some photos caught the pain of Yuuri’s struggle and of Victor as he supported the brunette.  Some caught moments of pure bliss, spontaneous laughter caught off guard.  Some caught stolen kisses…on the forehead, the cheek, the fingers, the lips.  Some caught the embraces.

 

The guests wandered through the gallery, stopping to greet Phichit, hoping to catch a glimpse of the danseurs.  Yuuri and Victor joined Phichit once they changed clothes.  Yuuri’s quiet was taken as contemplation after such a heavy performance.  Victor stayed close, watching over his lover while still charming the guests that greeted them.  Finally, he whispered in Yuuri’s ear, “You are tired.  Let’s go home, love.”

 

Yuuri smiled and nodded.  They made their way to Phichit and conveyed they excuses.  With Cocoa in hand, they slipped out the door into the night.  Chris stayed behind to walk Phichit home once the gallery showing shut down for the evening.

 

* * *

 

 

NOTE:  This modern ballet performance would be very personal to Yuuri as he shows his pain.  However, only those who are closest to him would know the true story ties to the rape as well.  The rest could interpret the struggle to the one he bears with anxiety.  For Yuuri, this performance is cathartic, a way to release the pain.

 

NOTE 2:  Clothing inspirations:

Yuuri’s costumes:  The base costume for Yuuri’s performance is[ this](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/ba/9d/15/ba9d1587a8a33c02577b52e003b030ae.jpg).  For the first act, he wears the blue layer.  For the second act, he wears the black.  For the third act, he has them layered as in the picture.

Julia’s costume:  Basic in[ style](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/30/ce/a6/30cea663f89f547f680a0ca300691737.jpg) like this but fading from black to gray.

Victor’s costume:  Victor serves as Yuuri’s ground.  He is dressed similar to Yuuri in the final act except, his color layer is in a plum.  His peripheral dance is all in black.

Corps costumes: In shades of gray, smoke, and black…something along these[ lines](https://www.pinterest.com/pin/532691462157152707/) for the ladies.  More along these lines for the [ men](http://www.balletboyz.com/home/)…this picture also gives another idea of the pulling motion.

 

Phichit’s shirt was along these lines: [   shirt ](https://www.pinterest.com/pin/372813675375174075/)

 

NOTE 3:  I love the movement of all male dance troops such as[ BalletBoyz](http://www.balletboyz.com/home/) .  Some take on traditional ballets but more and more, choreographers are stepping up to keep the dance more masculine.  Of course, there is the other side with [ Trockadero](http://trockadero.org/) rocking the drag vibe. [   10 Hairy Legs ](http://features.jerseyarts.com/content/index.php/nj-dance/2015/03/from-presenters-to-presented-shifting-traditional-roles-of-male-dancers/) is U.S. based…there is a good video at the bottom.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Several linked notes above. Hope you enjoyed this!


	54. Chapter 54

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the pressure of performances off their shoulders, Victor and Yuuri are drawn together for some post-recital celebration.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This scene teases on the explicit side. I just wanted to give you fair warning.

 

* * *

 

 

The second and third shows of the recital sold out.  And based on the buzz of their phones, the performance went viral, passed among fans and then others with the #anxiety tag.  Yuuri and Victor both ended up turning the devices off for some peace.  

Saturday, the lovers slipped away from Chris and Phichit at the reception/art show and made their way back to the apartment holding hands, stealing kisses and giggling.  “I’m so proud of you, my Yuuri,” Victor squeezed in between kisses.

 

“I can’t believe it sold out.  Twice!  All I wanted to do was tell our story.”  Yuuri danced around Victor holding his hand, laughing.  Victor felt his heart tighten as he watched Yuuri’s joy.  God, how he loved this man!

 

They returned to their apartment.  Victor pulled Yuuri into another kiss and Yuuri answered with demanding lips of his own as they danced down the hall towards their bedroom.  “Vitya,” he moaned into the kiss, desire burning up their bodies.  Victor followed his lead, felt Yuuri’s hands free the hem of his shirt slipping beneath the surface to slide over his abdomen and around to his back, fingers squeezing into the muscles and silk of the skin.

 

Victor’s breath caught as he murmured Yuuri’s name, Yuuri’s lips moving down his neck.  He broke long enough to pull the shirt over Victor’s head, tossing it to the floor.  Victor came back to him with answering kisses trailing to his ear.  “God, I love you, my Yuuri,” he breathed as he began nibbling the shell of his lover’s ear.  His fingers teased just beneath the hem of Yuuri’s shirt even as he felt the sincere exploration of Yuuri’s hands over the upper half of his body, occasionally straying to the band of his pants before pulling back up.

 

Victor dropped down to his knees, pushing Yuuri’s shirt up as he began to kiss his stomach enjoying the darker skin contrasting his ivory, dark hair barely there but peeking over the surface of the waistband.  Yuuri’s legs buckled and as he slid down before Victor, the older man supported him as he lowered, his kisses roaming higher, pushing the shirt up until he was forced to remove it.

 

Their lips found one another and Victor heard the moan pulled from Yuuri’s throat, his kisses answered with equal fever.  Victor’s fingers found their way into Yuuri’s hair.  He heard words murmured from Yuuri in his mother language as he lost himself in the feelings Victor elicited from him.  “So beautiful,” Victor whispered.

 

They found their feet long enough to move to the bed.  Victor stretched out over his lover, his hands exploring Yuuri, learning his body.  He dipped to the waistband then pulled back up.  He didn’t know how far Yuuri wanted to take this moment, he didn’t want to push him.  He continued to let Yuuri set the pace.  Victor would take what he was offered and give back in return.

 

Yuuri shifted their bodies, turning Victor onto his back and Victor’s eyes closed as those hands and lips explored him, tasting him, touching him.  His breath hitched as he felt those digits brush over his steadily hardening length through the fabric of his pants.  God, he wanted this man!  Yuuri’s fingers found the button and he looked up to meet Victor’s eyes seeking permission.  Victor nodded, not trusting his words.

 

He heard the zipper give, felt the fingers remove the next fabric barrier as the pants were pulled down his hips, deposited to the floor.  Yuuri crawled back up his body.  His fingers explored the sensitivity of Victor’s length through his boxers even as he continued to kiss Victor’s chest.  His tongue swirled around his nipples and sucked.  Victor’s breathing quickened by the combination of sensations created by Yuuri’s hands and mouth, losing himself to the moment.

Yuuri pulled back and Victor watched as the younger man removed his own pants.  He returned, rolling their hips together.  God, he needed this man.  And it was clear that this man needed him as well.  Victor turned them over and began to move his lips over the other man’s body tasting the salt on his skin, smelling the floral scent of his cologne.  “My beautiful, beautiful Yuuri,” he praised tenderly.  A soft keening released from his lover as Yuuri reached towards his hardness.  He allowed Yuuri to free him from the fabric even as he reached down to remove Yuuri’s boxers. Yuuri’s hand reached down to stroke him.  Victor groaned in pleasure of the direct touch.  He reached down and touched Yuuri in answer.

 

The atmosphere shifted dramatically.   He felt Yuuri freeze beneath him.  “Yuuri?”

 

The man beneath him began to shake.  Victor immediately pulled back, reaching for a blanket to slide between them.  “Yuuri, are you with me?”

 

Shadows filled his expression, lost somewhere in a nightmare.  Yuuri turned to his side, pulling his knees up towards his chest.  Victor reached for him but Yuuri’s head shook back and forth in refusal.  His hand pushing him away.

 

Victor watched his boyfriend shut down on him from the far side of the bed, as Victor respected his space.  Finally, the shaking stopped.  He laid still.  “Yuuri,” he whispered.

 

“Please, Victor,” he responded quietly.

 

“Do you want me to hold you?”  He received a shake of the head in answer.

 

“Do you need space?”  The response was slow, hesitant, but Yuuri finally nodded with a deep ragged sigh.

 

Victor slipped from the sheets, gathering his pants and boxers on the way to the door and slipping them on.  “I’m here when you are ready,” he whispered before slipping out the door.

 

Yuuri curled up on himself.  The pressure in his chest was crushing him worse than any anxiety attack he’d known.

 

 _You can’t have this,_ he cried out in his mind.    _You can’t have him. You can’t have…me.  I will be free of you somehow, someday._

 

He pinched his eyes together to fight the tears but they found their way to the surface.  He cried bitterly until he lay there spent, breathing ragged breaths.

 

He finally pushed himself up from the bed and went to the bathroom.  Splashing water on his face he looked at his appearance.  He felt so vulnerable.  So broken.  He pushed the hair back from his face, pulling at it.

 

He turned on the shower and stepped into the warmth, allowing the water to wash away more of the pain, cleansing his soul.  For once, he was gentle to himself.  For once, he refused to punish himself.  He closed his eyes and thought about how Victor would care for him if he allowed him.

 

When he stepped from the showers he looked at his reflection, happy for once that his breakdown did not lead to self harm, driving him to tear at his skin.  He was spent, hurting, but he didn’t feel them on him.

 

He returned to his room dressed in his boxers.  He hesitantly moved towards the door.   _I can’t go to him just yet._  He spotted Victor’s discarded shirt on the floor.  Reaching for it, he held it to his chest, smelling it as fresh tears fell.  Finally, he pulled the shirt over his head and crawled into bed.  Exhaustion overtook him and he finally succumbed to sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

Victor sat in the common space fighting the emotion clinching his heart at the moment.  He wasn’t angry.  He knew things were complicated with Yuuri. He wasn’t even frustrated.  So why did tears threaten to fall.

 

Soft laughter filtered from Phichit’s room and then a few French phrases.  A smile touched Victor through his pain.   _I thought I spotted something still going on between the two of them._  Of course, that meant Victor’s room was free.  He pushed up and slipped down the hall.

 

Chris kept the space neat with his suitcase on a chair and the bed made.  Clothes were neatly put away.  Victor moved over to the empty bed.  He no longer relished sleeping alone but Yuuri needed space.  He curled up into the cold sheets and allowed the grief of the moment to consume him as he sobbed quietly into his pillow.  He wasn’t angry.  He couldn’t even say that he was disappointed.  But there was pain deep within him.  He continued to cry bitter tears until sleep overtook him, falling into a dreamless sleep.

 

Morning greeted Victor with bitter fingers clenching his forehead.  Tears had seeped into his head leaving him feeling broken and alone.  A headache edged through the fog.  He moved to the door and stopped as voices filtered down the hall.

 

* * *

 

 

Phichit faced Yuuri at the counter.  “So you pushed him away.”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “He’s going to one day grow tired of me.  My inability to move past this will become a real issue.  It’s like my freshman year all over again.”

 

“You mean that thing that went on between you and your first roommate?”

 

“Kyle.  Yes.  I kept pushing him away until he stopped coming back to me.”

 

“If I remember that story correctly, he pushed you into a relationship to begin with.  You were a freshman and suddenly had a roommate that was a senior.  He figured out that you were gay and pushed you hard into a relationship.  But you always said you didn’t love him, didn’t really want him.  You just felt trapped.  Is that what you feel here?”

 

Yuuri shook his head adamantly.  “No.  I l-love Victor.  I just can’t seem to become intimate with him.  I mean, Chris is here for less than a week and the two of you…”

 

Phichit laughed and waved his hands to cut him off.  “Oh, please don’t compare the two.  Chris and I…we’re different.  I don’t really know what is between us.  What you have with Victor, though, is something truly special.  Don’t sell it short.  I think you will find that Victor would say the same.”  Phichit then turned and caught Victor watching them quietly from the door of his bedroom although he had been aware the moment Victor opened the door.  Nodding towards him, Phichit offered an invitation to join them.

 

Victor moved into the kitchen and Yuuri’s mouth opened as he took in his appearance.  

 

“V-victor!”

 

Victor ran a hand through his hair and was very aware of the puffiness around his eyes and the pinched expression.  “Hello, my Yuuri,” he greeted softly. “Can we talk now?”

 

Yuuri nodded even as Phichit slipped away from the room.

 

Victor led Yuuri to the sofa.  “I have told you I will wait for as long as it takes.  You don’t have to worry about that.  I love you, too.”

 

“I don’t know how to move past this.  I thought…the EMDR would make everything better.  I thought I could…”  Yuuri broke off with a sweep of his hand downward.

 

Victor gave him a hug and reached for his laptop.  Opening the screen, he pulled up the YouTube app to a private page.  “There is more than one kind of intimacy, Yuuri.  I’m always taking pictures of our love.  I just want to hold onto you in any way possible.  I created this video with Phichit’s help.”

 

The Ed Sheeran[ music ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSDgHBxUbVQ) filled the room as the photos and videos began to slide from one to another.  Victor leaned forward and brushed a kiss to his forehead.  “Nothing you could do will send me away.  It’s not easy but without you, I can no longer exist.  I’d rather lose myself in this complicated relationship for moments like these than return to the bitter loneliness of my life without you.”

 

Yuuri’s tears flowed easily.  “What if I never catch up?  What if I constantly push you away?”

 

“Oh, baby, I’m not here for what happens at the end of that hall.  I’m here for this.”  He motioned the pictures capturing moments of their world. “Everything between us is love.   Every moment is intimate.  Love isn’t just expressed in the bedroom.  It is everything that we do together.  I will not give that up.  I don’t want to ever let you go.”

 

“I don’t want to let you go, either.  I want to get better.”

 

“Cara said that it will take time.  We will talk to her about this next week.  It is another trigger to work through.  We’ll find someone in Japan that will help us continue our therapy.  We’ll find someone later in Russia…or, if you are comfortable with her, return to the counselor that worked with me before.”

 

Yuuri nodded, drawing a ragged breath.

 

Victor dropped his forehead to Yuuri’s.  “Can I kiss you?” Victor whispered and when Yuuri nodded his finger traced Yuuri’s jawline to his chin, tilting it up so that their lips met in a tender brush.

 

“One day, Yuuri, I’m going to marry you,” Victor murmured.

 

Yuuri’s breath caught and he blinked in surprise fresh tears flowing.  “You want to marry me?”

 

Victor chuckled, nodding as he pulled Yuuri into another kiss.  As they broke, he clicked to another song.  “[ This ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lp-EO5I60KA) will play as we dance.”

 

Yuuri watched the video with a soft smile.  “We could dance just like that,” he whispered softly.  “You are amazing, Victor.”

 

“No, you are the amazing one, Yuuri.  I’ve just been trying to catch my breath since you waltzed into my world.  You say you will never catch up.  I’ve been chasing after you in awe since I laid eyes on you.”

 

“I want you to catch me…I do.  But…I am fragmented.”

 

“I know it feels that way.  But even if I have to hold you together by the bare strength of my arms, I will.  Whatever you need, Yuuri, is yours.  Take what you need.  I am yours.”

 

Standing, Yuuri reached for Victor’s hand.  “Will you hold me?  I did not sleep well last night.  I missed your warmth.”

 

“I missed yours as well,” Victor responded, taking the offered hand.  They walked down the hallway to the room they shared, somber but comforted by one another’s presence.  Victor slipped into bed and pulled Yuuri into his embrace.  “And it hasn’t escaped my attention you are wearing my shirt once more,” he teased as he nuzzled the brunette’s neck.

 

Yuuri chuckled softly before replying.  “I needed you close but…I didn’t think I could go to you.  Not after…”

 

Victor drew another ragged breath.  “You can always come to me.  We could have the worst fight imaginable, but you can always come to me.  I will never refuse you, Yuuri.”

 

“It didn’t seem fair to you.  Not after I pushed you away.”

 

“I wanted you in my arms as well.  I didn’t see it as you pushing me away, Yuuri.  I saw it as giving you the space you needed.  Now you are here in my arms once more.  Rest, love.”

 

Yuuri nodded and curled into Victor’s embrace.  His breath evened out within minutes and Victor found sleep soon after.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I woke up at four a.m. to write this scene and, yes, it demanded Ed Sheeran. That song accompanied this scene in my thoughts and when the next one clicked over on YouTube, I knew it belonged as well.
> 
> Thank you, BluSkates, for the edits! You're the best!


	55. Chapter 55

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is it! The last chapter of Detroit! Graduation! Chris's return home! Moving day!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This first leg of the journey has been great! Thank you for joining me. If you subscribe, make sure you are subscribed to the series. Otherwise, watch for Lifeline (Part 2: Hasetsu). Yes. Our Yuuri is heading home!
> 
> As always, I love kudos, comments, and shares!

* * *

 

 

Yuuri and Victor went to their Monday appointment with the counselor.  Yuuri held Victor’s hand with a subdued expression while they waited.  “It will be fine,” Victor encouraged softly.

 

“I know.  I just…don’t want this to be a setback.  I want to move forward,” he murmured.

 

“I know, _malysh_ ,” Victor whispered quietly, kissing the top of Yuuri’s head.  “I’ll be out here if you need me to come in.”

 

Yuuri drew a deep breath and nodded.  The door opened and Cara invited Yuuri into the room.

 

“Would you like some tea, Yuuri?” she offered.  Yuuri nodded and she took note of his subdued demeanor.

 

They had been working through the eight phases over the last week with good results.  However, Yuuri showed signs of a disturbance.  As she handed him the mug, she asked quietly, “Is there something you need to talk about?”

 

He looked up and nodded, welcoming the opening.  “I…well…Victor and I tried to…and I couldn’t…” he stumbled with his words and she studied him trying to put together his meaning between the small phrases and his body language.

 

Cara narrowed her brows and finally asked.  “Are you talking about sex?”

 

Yuuri nodded, flushing pink.

 

“This is the first time you’ve been this intimate?” she inquired thoughtfully.

 

“Yes,” Yuuri whispered, concentrating on his mug.

 

Cara knew she was going to have to dig a little deeper.  “When you said you couldn’t, what do you mean?”

 

“I was fine…with kissing…and touching to here,” he responded shyly.  She followed his hand and realized he referred to the waistband.

 

“So when the touching became more intimate…you became uncomfortable?”

 

Yuuri shook his head uncertainly.  “It wasn’t that,” he stated.  “I…was back there…again.”

 

“It triggered a flashback,” she surmised.

 

Yuuri nodded.  He lifted his eyes and noticed she was adding to her notes.  “I don’t want a setback.  I thought I was getting better.”

 

She smiled encouragingly.  “You are getting better.  You just uncovered an underlying problem.  We didn’t know about it because you had not tested that boundary.”

 

Yuuri considered her words with a furrowed brow before nodding thoughtfully.

 

“We are going to include this as we work through the EMDR therapy.  However, you will have to continue this when you return to Japan.”

 

“I know.  It’s just…sometimes it feels like we aren’t moving forward in our relationship.”

 

“I can tell the both of you communicate well.  That’s key.  But it doesn’t have to be all or nothing.”

 

“That’s what Victor says,” he conceded.  “You know...that we can make small steps forward.”

 

“Exactly.  Set small goals.  It may be simply becoming comfortable sleeping without being fully clothed.  It may be finding yourselves comfortable dressing and undressing with one another in the room.  These are all steps in intimacy.”

 

Yuuri nodded contemplatively.  He opened his mouth then closed it.  He again tried to force the words out but then held back, studying his hands.

 

“Is it the wording or does the suggestion feel awkward?” trying to help him pinpoint the struggle.

 

“I guess…awkward?”  Yuuri studied his hands, as he worked up the nerve.  Finally, he whispered, “I haven’t…you know…I don’t…touch myself,” he finished, looking towards the floor.

 

“Since the rape?” she prodded gently.  He nodded in response, keeping his eyes down, pulling at the edges of his jacket.  “Then…that is a goal.  It is possibly something you need to break through before you will be open to Victor’s touch,” she responded delicately, sensitive to his discomfort.

 

“Maybe,” he conceded quietly.  He continued to squirm uncomfortably.  Cara studied him a moment longer before redirecting the conversation.  

 

“I know we only have a couple of weeks to go.  I’ve interviewed a few therapists over the phone and I think I’ve found one very similar to me in personality.  I’m listing her as the primary referral.”  She studied her notes and was about to add to that statement when Yuuri broke through.

 

“Will I have to start all over?” he asked, meeting her eyes.

 

“It depends on how long it takes to establish trust.  That’s key.  Once the trust is established, you will be able to move forward.”

 

“Does she speak English?  Victor doesn’t speak Japanese.”

 

“Well, I don’t either.  So I was limited to the ones who speak English.  Yuuri?  If you continue to have intimacy difficulties, I can set up a referral to a therapist specialized in these issues.”

 

He looked horrified.  “A sex therapist?  I don’t think…I shouldn’t…”  He cast his eyes downward.

 

“It’s just that they may be able to help you to become more comfortable in your sexuality as well as work through some of the specific issues associated with the rape,” she suggested.

 

“I-I don’t know…”  He tugged at his sleeve and worried it heavily.

 

“It’s not a decision you have to make today.  However, I can go ahead and prepare a few referrals.  It’ll be your decision to follow through.”

 

“Okay,” he responded, his voice small.

 

At this point, she moved forward through the protocols of his therapy.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Victor noticed Yuuri was quiet as they left Cara’s office.  He took his boyfriend’s hand and squeezed it encouraging.  He looked up, a little frazzled.  “We can talk when we get home,” he offered quietly.  Victor nodded.  Yuuri normally left their therapist in a more relaxed state.  His discomfort troubled him.

 

As they settled in the room they shared, Yuuri slowly stumbled through the discussion at the beginning of the session.  When Victor reached for him, he hesitated only a moment before crawling into his lap.  “It’ll be fine.  We just need to take smaller steps.  I like the suggestions she made.  And if we get stuck, we will have resources.  This is a good thing, Yuuri,” he reassured the smaller man he cradled in his lap.

 

Yuuri frowned.  “How is this a good thing?”

 

“Well, we now know where your boundaries are so we can nudge them.  We have some direction to build our intimacy comfort levels.  And, Yuuri, if we do get hung up, we know where to get help.  When you are ready.”

 

“I…I guess,” he whispered.  He snuggled into Victor’s embrace.

 

Victor rested his head on the brunette’s hair.  “In case you don’t realize this, _zolotse_ , this too is intimacy,” he murmured.  “Thank you for sharing it with me, Yuuri.”    

 

* * *

 

 

The next week kept the two students busy with studying for final exams.  Chris and Victor skated, went out a few times, and talked a great deal.  One evening, they were in Victor’s room as Victor sorted through his things deciding what would be sent to Russia and what to Hasetsu.

 

“So what do Yuuri’s parents think of you and Yuuri?  Are they expecting you?”

 

“Yuuri has told them we are coming for a little over two months.  There was an awkward exchange over sleeping arrangements.”

 

“Surely they knew you were together.  I mean, there was that very public press conference kiss.”

 

“Oh, they knew that…remember his sister coming by our room during Worlds?”

 

“Oh,” Chris stated.  Then his eyes widened.  “Oooh!  Yeah, that wasn’t the best first impression.  Are you nervous?”

 

“As hell…and I’ve never been nervous to meet parents.”

  
“Well, you never met Sasha’s parents,” Chris pointed out.

 

Victor chuckled.  “And I guess I already knew yours.  I spent a couple of summers with you before we started dating.”  Victor wrapped a couple of more delicate objects in paper before boxing them.  Dumping some packing peanuts around it, he sealed the carton and placed it in the Russia stack.

 

“So, you aren’t taking much.”

 

“Well, we might end up in Yuuri’s childhood room, which he said is small.  The bed is a single.”

 

“Oh, that’s a tight squeeze.”

 

“We are going to look around for a place for when we come back in the spring.”

 

“So when you retire, do you think you will live in Russia or Hasetsu?”

 

“Hasetsu unless Yuuri doesn’t want to live there.  I don’t have family, other than my skating family, that I talk to that much.  I have an aunt but we rarely speak.  That’s why I want this to go well.”

 

“You want the family.”

 

“I envy you your family.”

 

Chris smiled, remembering how Victor always responded to his parents’ attention.  “Me’re and Pe’re adore you still.  You know you are always welcome.  Maybe we can plan a gathering with Yuuri.”

 

Victor returned his smile and nodded.  “I’d love to introduce Yuuri to Me’re and Pe’re.”

 

“They would love to meet him.”

 

Victor opened up the closet and began sorting clothes.  Most items left in the closet would go to Russia.  He folded and put them in boxes as he hummed pleasantly.  Chris smiled as he played on his phone and watched his friend.  “You know, this is the happiest I’ve seen you in a long time.”

 

“My Yuuri makes me happy, Chris.  Even though we have bad days, I’m glad I came to him.”

 

“I can safely say he feels the same,” Chris responded pleasantly.

 

Victor nodded then turned to his friend thoughtfully.  “So Ezio?”

 

“Definitely history.  I’m done with his drama.”

 

“And Phichit?”

 

“He’s…not ready for a steady relationship.  Besides, it would be hard to tie him down from a distance.”

 

“So you are thinking monogamous?”

 

“I…don’t know?”

 

Victor chuckled under his breath.  “He is young.  But where Yuuri and I have four years difference in age, you two have five?”

 

“Something like that.  I figure if it’s meant to be, we’ll come back together later on in life.  Besides skating, there is the constant of mutual friends.”

 

“And until then?”

 

“We’re…keeping it casual,” Chris stated, his expression showing mixed emotions.

 

“I hope this isn’t one sided,” Victor responded with a raised eyebrow.  “Yuuri always calls Phichit a free spirit.  He’s hard to tie down.”

 

“I know…but not long ago you could say the same about me.”

 

Victor dropped the item in his hand and stared at his friend.  “Oh, god…you are gone!”

 

Chris pressed his hands over his face and sighed resignedly.  Victor then heard the chuckle behind the hands.  “Very much so.  Who would have thought I’d fall for a pretty Thai boy?”

 

“Well, I fell for a beautiful Japanese boy.  So who am I to judge?”

 

Chris looked between his fingers for a moment before dropping his hands.  “I don’t want to tie him down,” he stated, then hesitated.  With a twinkle in his eyes, he edited his statement.  “Well, I do, just not figuratively.  I want him to come to me willingly.  I don’t want him to feel trapped.”

 

“So you are going to wait?”

 

“I’m not saying I won’t enjoy myself during the wait,” he answered with a shrug.  “But I will be watching for signs of his willingness to settle down.”

 

Victor resumed packing and humming.  He’d compare notes with Yuuri later.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri’s commencement exercises were on Sunday, May 10th.  His parents were unable to attend but he had Victor, Phichit, Chris, Celestino, Natalia, Julia, and Ashley all in attendance.  As he met them after the ceremony, they all fussed about who would have pictures taken with the new graduate.  Phichit took quite a few nice pictures for his parents and showed Yuuri that he had a video of him receiving his degree.  His Instagram feed filled up with pictures of his graduation and congratulations greeted him from fans around the world.  He felt a bit overwhelmed.

 

Natalie pulled him to the side after they returned home.  “I have something for you.  You can use it or not but I reworked the instrumental piece we did a couple of years back.  I know it never felt complete the first time.  After I watched your senior recital and watching you go through this fight this semester, I felt I could complete it.   So, it’s your song.”

 

She handed him the CD and he went over to the player to hear it.  Closing his eyes, he felt it and could almost see the choreography come together in his thoughts.  He felt a pair of hands on his shoulder and knew Victor stood behind him.  “That’s your music, Yuuri.  Your free skate,” he whispered softly in the other’s ear.

 

Yuuri nodded.  “I know.  I can feel it.  I can even see it.”  Turning to Natalie, he smiled warmly.  

 

“Thank you, Nattie.  This means a lot to me.”  He reached towards her and she found herself embraced warmly.  “I’m going to skate to this,” he promised as he dropped his forehead to hers.  “Just watch.”

 

She grinned.  “I can’t wait!”

Chris left the next day.  He had to return to his coach and work through his programs.  However, he made use of his time with Victor and Yuuri, solidifying one of his jumps and cleaning up the edges of his step sequences.  Yuuri embraced him as they waited at the airport.  

 

“Thank you for coming to support me,” he murmured.  “I appreciate all of your support.”  Yuuri stepped back so that Victor could hug him.

 

Victor squeezed his forearms, and whispered, “If you need anything at all or just to talk, you know how to reach me.”

 

Chris grinned.  “It might be my turn to lament on your shoulders for a change,” he answered quietly.

 

“I’m here for you,” Victor answered with a wink.

 

The other two stepped away as Phichit came forward.  His kiss was friendly and chaste.  “I look forward to when we meet again,” he promised with a wink.

 

“As do I,” Chris answered.  He raised his arm and waved as he departed.  “ _Adieu_!”

 

The rest of the week Yuuri and Victor finished packing and shipping the rest of their belongings.  

“Will Sasha sign for our things going to your apartment?” Yuuri asked.

 

“Yes.  I’ve already given him a heads up and told him when we plan to arrive.  He says he’ll have his things out in plenty of time and put it back in order.”

 

“Good.  It’s hard to believe that I’ll be living in Russia in three months.  I don’t know the language at all.”

 

“I don’t know Japanese.  We’ll work on our deficiencies together.  Don’t worry.”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “I’m excited.  I’m also nervous.”

 

Victor answered with a self-deprecating laugh.  “You’re nervous!  My first impression with your family involved me telling your sister to back off!”

 

Yuuri hugged him.  “It’ll be okay.”

 

* * *

 

 

Phichit and Coach Celestino took them to the airport on Friday.  Yuuri shifted before throwing his arms around Phichit.  “I’m going to miss you,” he murmured.  Backing off, Yuuri could see that he wasn’t the only one in tears.  “Skype me.  At least three or four times a week.”

 

“Or Facetime!” Phichit answered.  “And don’t go silent on social media.  I don’t want you to disappear on me.”

 

“I won’t,” Yuuri sniffed.  “Besides, Victor tags me in everything.”

 

Yuuri turned to Celestino.  With a bow, and said, “Arigato, Coach Celestino.  Thank you for taking care of me these last few years.”

 

“I know I’m leaving you in good care, Yuuri, but I’m only a phone call away if either of you need me.  And once we move to Thailand, we’ll be a little closer than Detroit.”

 

“You’ll both contact us once you get settled?” Yuuri asked.

 

“Of course,” Phichit answered.  “And you’ll let us know you arrived safely.”

 

Yuuri hugged Phichit once more and Victor reached out and shook Celestino’s hand.  When he reached to shake Phichit’s hand, he pulled the younger skater into a hug.  “Thanks for being a great friend.  Hopefully it won’t be too long before we see each other again.”

 

Phichit sniffed once more.  “Damn.  You two are determined to keep me in tears.”

 

“We’ll call from Hasetsu!” They waved as they walked towards the concourse, bags in tow, Makka and Cocoa in their carriers.  Detroit was now behind them.

 

Yuuri looked over towards Victor as they boarded the plane.  “I am happy you are with me.  Going home is much easier this way.”

 

“You’ve been away for a long time.  It’s time,” he murmured, giving his lover a hug.  “It’s time.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what's going to happen in Hasetsu?


End file.
